


Breathe Me

by Gigimadz



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Lust, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sex, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:29:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 105,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24748366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gigimadz/pseuds/Gigimadz
Summary: Kiara and JJ have always had chemistry, it's part of their charming friendship. But one day it gets the better of both of them, and it leads to some cosmic tension relief. They decide that it's better for their friendship if it's only Friends with benefits, they get what they want and they get to keep their friendship. Except Kiara starts falling, quickly and shes left in a JJ Maybank rabbit hole. They soon learn that friends with benefits almost never works out, not when you're secretly in love. She cant seem to say no to something that makes her feel so good.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara & Pope (Outer Banks), Kiara/John B. Routledge, Sarah Cameron & John B. Routledge, Sarah Cameron/JJ/Kiara/Pope/John B. Routledge, Sarah Cameron/Kiara
Comments: 157
Kudos: 297





	1. Come Undone

It’s hot, like dripping with sweat even though a fan is blowing right at you, hot. I pile my hair up on my head, sighing in relief. I lean back onto the chair, that’s already reheated from the sun. It burns my bareback, but it’s also sort of comforting. I place my hand on my cheek, and it gives me some relief because my hand is cold from my drink.  
“This is terrible” I groan loudly, the coolness of my hand long gone.  
“It’s called a heatwave for a reason Kie” JJ mocks, a teasing grin on his face.  
“Really JJ I didn’t know that” I glare at him, he chuckles.  
“Just imagine yourself in a walk-in fridge” Sarah smiles widely her eyes shut.  
“That works?” I huff, she shrugs.  
“It’s nice to dream” she responds making me let out a short laugh.  
“Where is John B with the ice?” I ask looking behind me like he might magically appear.  
“Probably enjoying the air conditioning of the store” Pope replies, making JJ laugh. I suddenly notice that he’s fully clothed. His shirt is still on, and that’s especially confusing for him because he’s always half-naked.  
“Why don’t you take your shirt off?” I blurt suspiciously. He turns, smirking, but I notice it’s more dull than usual.  
“If you wanted to see me naked you could just ask me, I’d be happy to oblige” he winks and I roll my eyes.  
“I’m sure you would” I comment, and a shit-eating grin replaces his smirk. I look away but I still have a weird feeling about the situation. He stands quickly, running a hand through his mop of hair.  
“I’m settling for a warm beer,” he says before he starts towards the house. I look over at Pope, who’s eyes are glued to a book, oblivious. I move my gaze to Sarah, who’s smiling widely at her phone, oblivious as well.  
“I’m gonna go to the washroom” I comment standing, Sarah nods. I find JJ in the kitchen rummaging through the empty fridge. He turns when he hears the screen door shut.  
“No beer” he points to the fridge, a weird look on his face. I move to the small island nodding. He shuts the fridge before leaning back against it.  
“You wanted to get me alone right” he winks but it comes out flat and forced.  
“Yes, you know how obsessed I am with you” I respond curtly, he lets out an airy laugh. I start towards him, and his eyes bulge slightly. I stand so close, I can feel the heat radiating off of him. His tongue darts out to lick his lips, his eyes on mine. I reach out gripping the hem of his shirt, our eyes never leaving each other. I start pulling it upward, and I can feel the heat of his skin against my knuckles, it makes me suck in a sharp breath. As if something clicked his hands are on mine stilling my motions.  
“Don’t” he stammers, his cheeks pink.  
“Let me see” I whisper, my eyes softening “please” I add. His breathing quickens, and then he drops his hands and I continue to pull his shirt up. I finally move my eyes down towards his defined chest. A small gasp escapes my lips, as I notice the dark purple bruise across his ribs. It blooms upwards, a stark contrast from his tanned skin. I feel like my heart is being squeezed tightly, making it hard to take a full breath. I move my finger from gripping his shirt to lightly tracing the bruise. I can feel him wince at the contact so I quickly pull away.  
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he says, his voice tight. I pull down his shirt starting to feel nauseous at the thought of how this happened. I move my gaze back up to his, and his eyes are unbearable soft. It breaks something inside of me. I don’t know what comes over me but I find myself gripping his face in my hands and pulling his soft lips to mine. He doesn’t move at first obviously shocked at my bold move, but then he’s circling my waist and pulling me flush against his chest. The kiss turns frenzied and sloppy, like we can’t get close enough, or deep enough. My hands wander up into his hair, and I rake my nails across his scalp lightly. I feel myself tugging on the strands, he lets out a strangled moan, which makes heat coil through me. We break apart, our breaths rapid and hot. I keep my eyes shut, trying to regain some composure. I let my hands drop to his shoulder, gripping the material of his shirt. He leans in, his lips grazing mine, feather-light. My tongue darts out licking my swollen lips, and catching his as well. His fingers dig deliciously into my hips, causing heat to diffuse over me. Finally, I open my eyes, and I find his staring back at me. He looks confused, but the heat in his eyes reassures me that he felt it too. I shift onto my tiptoes and press a soft chaste kiss to his lips before I pull away from him completely. He continues to stare at me confused, as I run a steadying hand through my curls.  
“Beers here” I hear John B’s voice, and I use it as an excuse to run out of the kitchen. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, and the heat in my cheek.  
“Took you long enough” I hear JJ say behind me, I freeze. He walks past me, his shoulder brushing mine, and towards John B.  
“Ya, kind of got lost” John B laughs as JJ grabs a case from his hands.  
“Lost in the air-conditioning?” Pope puts his book down, an amused smile on his face. At the mention of heat, I suddenly feel the hot sun stick to my skin. The rays radiating over me, making sweat pool at every crevice. I notice Sarah’s eyes catch mine, and she gives me a confused look. I notice now that I’m about ten feet away from everyone, standing frozen in spot. I shake off the heat and start towards them in desperate need of something refreshing.  
…  
I kissed JJ. I, kissed, him! My heart hammers loudly as I pace the small expanse of my room. Back and forth, back and forth. The pressure of his lips still rings out on my lips. I shut my eyes, a tingle floating through me. The kiss was good, more than good, transcending. Dramatic but fitting. I move my pointer finger up to my lips, pressing lightly. The tinge burst through me again, making me let out a small guttural sigh. I shake the feeling off and continue pacing my room. I tire myself out and plop onto my bed, staring off at the window. The bruise on his ribs comes to mind, and the tingling is replaced with repulsion towards his father. He looks so soft in that moment like a small frightened kid. The urge to kiss away his pain came so naturally it kind of scared me. This kiss wasn’t a pity kiss, or a comforting kiss like with John B. It felt different, like more of a promise. Promise of what, I don’t know. I move my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly. The feeling of his fingers digging into my hips makes me blush and my heart stammers. This kiss was definitely more than I had with John B. It was my choice first off, and it wasn’t trying to prove anything or to comfort him. It was just as much for me as for him. Maybe more for me than him. I move my chin to my knee, sighing loudly at the thousands of thoughts running around in my head. I hear a knock at the door, and I feel the wicked thoughts of doing more with JJ dissipate.  
“Come in,” I say not moving from my bed, just tilting my head to look at the door. Sarah walks in, a wide smile on her face.  
“Hey, I came to get ready for tonight” She plops down a big overnight bag on the floor, huffing slightly.  
“Tonight?” I ask blanking on what was happening, her smile drops.  
“Tonight the party John B and I are hosting” She explains in a duh tone.  
“Oh, your couple party” I nod, she sighs moving to sit next to me. “It’s not a couple party, it’s just something we did together” She smiles blissfully. “As a couple” I reiterate, and she sighs but her smile doesn’t drop.  
“Fuck you” She nudges me, a giggle bursting out of her. I move my gaze back to the window, feeling my lips tingle lightly. “What’s wrong?” She asks  
“Nothing, just tired” I lie, my heart hammering.  
“Tired?” She asks, I nod nonchalantly. “Kie” She urges  
“It’s nothing, come on let’s get ready” I stand plastering a smile onto my face. It doesn’t look like she believes me but she nods and moves to her giant bag.  
“So I brought options” She laughs starting to pull out clothes.  
…  
The parties pretty packed by the time I get there. Sarah left right after getting ready. She wanted to set up with John B. I think they probably just wanted to make out in peace. I make my way to the back, pushing through groups of rowdy teenagers. I notice the small fire, with people laughing around it. My eyes travel over trying to find anyone of the Pogues. Finally I spot Pope, he’s by himself against a tree, sipping from a plastic cup.  
“Pope, what have I told you about plastic cups” I start, he chuckles and shrugs.  
“I’ll recycle it” He responds, and honestly I don’t have it in me to remind him of all the harmful effects of plastic. I move to lean against the tree beside him.  
“Where is everyone?” I ask my eyes moving across the yard.  
“Socializing,” He remarks sounding less than enthused at the idea.  
“Fun” I laugh. My eyes land on a familiar mop of blonde hair, and I freeze. He’s talking to some Touron, who’s laughing widely as he explains something in probably tantalizing detail. She arches into him, and I hate the surge of jealously that course through me. He smiles at her, and anger surges through me.  
“He’s been a hit tonight,” Pope says, and I move my gaze away from the pair to him. He’s looking straight ahead at JJ. “JJ, I mean” He explains  
“He’s always a hit” I blurt, he turns to me a gentle look on his face.  
“What do you think it is about him?” Pope asks, his smile turning shy. I could tell he was asking because he was comparing himself.  
“You shouldn’t do that” I muster, he looks confused “Compare yourself, JJ’s awesome, he’s kind and hilarious and ya good looking but so are you. You just go about it differently, he’s more outwards with his confidence” I explain, my eyes on his, I notice him gulp lightly his eyes moving to my lips. The air between us seems to shift, and I quickly look away not wanting to give him the wrong idea.  
“You think we’re good-looking” He laughs, his cheeks pink  
“Yes and you all know that” I respond shoving him lightly. He chuckles and nods.  
“Wonder how you get that confident” He muses lightly. My gaze moves back to JJ and the Touron, and I shrug. “Sometimes I think he’s just trying to make himself feel confident, you know with all these girls. It makes him feel something other than all that shit with his dad” Is what I wanted to say that but it felt too personal like I was giving up a secret about him. So instead I just shrug. JJ stands turning in our direction, his eyes finding mine. He says something to the girl without looking back at her, his eyes still on mine. Then he’s walking towards us, a beer in hand. That signature JJ smile is glued to his face, his eyes are saying something different, something he’d never admit.  
“When did you get here?” He asks sipping his beer.  
“Couple minutes ago” I respond, my voice light. He nods turning to Pope his smile amused.  
“That girl I was just talking to, she’s totally into you,” JJ says, and my eyes widen.  
“What?” Pope asks, his cheeks flushed.  
“She was asking about you, and I was being the best wingman, talking you up, so I set it up, go talk to her” He pushes pope slightly in her direction. Pope looks flustered. “Dude” He retorts, and JJ shrugs sipping his beer.  
“Her names Amanda, no Annie, Annie, and she’s visiting from Texas” he winks, and I try not to groan out loud. “Also no talk about dead bodies” He adds a grossed out look on his face.  
“Cadavers” Pope correct making me smile.  
“Whatever, go” he shoves him again, and Pope turns to me a panicked look on his face, I nod urging him on. He walks over to her slowly, you could see the nerves from here.  
“Annie from Texas,” I say, and JJ nods staring after Pope. Pope sticks out his hand in a formal greeting, his face stony, and nervous. She looks over at us, her eyes on JJ before quickly looking away. Pope sits down next to her, and her wide over the top smile falls slightly.  
“She wasn’t asking for him was she?” I ask, noticing her gaze move once again to JJ.  
“Sure she was” JJ responds, and I smile despite being annoyed.  
“You could never lie to me,” I remark confidently, he turns to me then his eyes intense.  
“She wasn’t my type and I know Pope has… confidence issues so” he brushes it off, and I nod.  
“awfully nice of you Maybank” I smile, feeling the thud of my heart speed up.  
“Kinda selfish really” he whispers, his eyes once again on my lips.  
“Why?” I ask, my voice, airy. He shifts so his body is now facing mine, his shoulder against the tree.  
“I really wanted to be alone with you” He smirks, and I feel the heat in my cheeks. JJ always flirted it was part of his charm, but it felt different now, loaded.  
“Alone in a party of people?” I laugh, turning back to Pope and Annie. My skin felt too hot, and my breathing was coming out too fast.  
“I thought you always said single-use plastic was terrible for the environment,” He says, and my gaze springs back to him confused. Then I realized I picked up a discarded solo cup. I stare at the red plastic in my hands and smile.  
“I found it here so I thought I’d pick it up before the wind pulled it into the water” I explain, and he nods. I notice he’s drinking from a glass bottle. He always drinks from glass. Probably because of the time I made a PowerPoint about single-use plastic, and how it’s harming sea animals. “So you actually know how to listen” I tease smiling. His eyes swirl, and I feel something coil tightly in my stomach.  
“Only to you I guess” he shrugs, his face stony almost too serious. I should look away to break the moment, but I can tear my eyes away. Suddenly I remember this afternoon, and my lips tingle so much so I move my hand up to touch them. He notices, and his eyes darken noticeably, making me shiver, despite the warm night. I inch closer, more like shift it’s so small but I can tell he notices. His hand that’s not holding his drink reaches up, gently grazing my fingers. He’s moving slowly, cautious of spooking me I assume. I move my eyes down to out connected fingers, and I feel a pang shoot through me. I should ask what he’s doing, but I’m too afraid he might stop. His fingers move from my fingers to my wrist, sending pinpricks of heat over me. His touch is gentle and feather-light. He continues ghosting up my arm, the heat trailing behind him. I shift again, my head leaning against the hard tree. He smiles, a small happy smile. I feel like I might explode if I don’t get to taste him again, it’s a crazed feeling, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  
“Inside?” I whimper so quietly, I don’t know if he heard me. But he did, he takes my hand and intertwines out fingers pulling me through the crowd. We quickly duck behind Pope who’s still chatting with Annie. I don’t see John B or Sarah, and I’m thankful because all I can think of right now is getting to kiss JJ again. Some guys try to stop him, begging him to join the beer-pong game, but he makes an easy excuse, with an easy smile. He pulls me into his darkroom, the room that he’s had at John B’s since he was thirteen. He shuts the door and I don’t think I’ve experienced a better sound. Before I know it his lips are on mine and his hands are roaming frantically over me. I move my hands up to his hair, relishing in the soft strands. He moves backward until I feel the bed behind my knees. I move my hands down to his chest, under his shirt. His skin is warm and soft, but hard, and tight. He breaks away and I let out a tiny yelp of disagreement. I can hear the chuckle he lets out but I can’t seem to care. “I want you to be sure” He whispers against my lips, so softly it makes me shut my eyes and suck in a shaky breath.  
“I’m sure” I nod before pulling him back to me, my hands back under his shirt. I move to peel it off, and he breaks away just enough for me to tug it off. I let out a small giggle as his lips move to my neck and collarbone.  
“You smell so good” He comments, his voice strangled.  
“It’s sunscreen, reef safe” I mumble, my lips squished against his neck now. I can feel the vibration of his chuckle and it only urges me on. He pushes me back, and we both bounce onto the bed. I giggle, feeling giddy. The lights outside gives us enough light to be able to see each other, and I’m so thankful because his eyes are so dark and filled with lust, it makes me moan. I pull him back down to me, grinding myself into him for some relief. He pulls away and I can feel his hands under my shirt, I nod eagerly as he pulls it off me. He quickly attaches out lips. I feel his hands slip under me, working to unclasp my bra. The click is quick and then he slowly peels it away. He breaks away again, this time his eyes moving down to my exposed chest. I arch into him, and he lets out a low moan, making heat spread over me.  
“Like what you see?” I smirk, feeling the spike of confidence from the way his eyes trace over me. He looks up, and he looks wrecked, like it’s hard for him to catch his breath.  
“More than you know” He mumbles and before he can attack my lips I flip us so that I’m straddling his hips. His eyes go wide, as I grind down into him. I move my curls so they don’t fall between us.  
“Fuck Kie” He whispers, his voice hoarse. I smirk and move down to capture his swollen lips. His hand moves up my ribs and over my nipple sending goosebumps over me.  
“JJ” I whimper  
“What do you need Kie, tell me what you want” He whispers, as his fingers continue to trail over my chest. Fuck what didn’t I want him to do. My eyes connected with his, and I was met with an awe-struck expression. No one has ever looked at me like before. I move down catching his lips with mine, my hands flat on his chest, as I lull back and forth. My hand slips, and I feel him wince slightly. I pull away to make sure he’s okay. And that’s when I remember the bruise.  
“Sorry” I mumble, he shakes his head. I try to pull off of him “We should switch positions” I explain, he grabs my hips tightly keeping me in place.  
“I want to see you ride me Kie” His voice is rough and low, and it makes heat pool at my core. “Trust me” He adds. I nod and he leans up placing his lips against mine.


	2. Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day leaves Kiara confused, and distracted. Add in Sarah trying to set her up, and JJ's intense stares, it makes for an overwhelming day. Will things be able to go back to normal or will their obvious chemistry get in the way again.

My eyes flutter open, a loud sigh escaping my lips. I shift slightly, and I can feel the weight of something draped across my side. Last night comes fading back in, the memory feeling more like a vivid dream than reality. I feel JJ shift behind me, and I can feel myself freeze, my breathe stilling. Last night happened, last night was real. JJ and I slept together. When he stills I shift just slightly to see if it’ll wake him, he doesn’t move. I move his hand as slow as possible, the warmth of it sticking to my side, in a pleasant way. I sit up carefully, so carefully I even watch my breath. My eyes move to his sleeping figure. He’s face down in the pillow, his face towards me, and his arms are spread. I can’t help the flutter inside my chest, which only confuses me more. I quickly look away and stand, quickly realizing I’m naked. I instinctively cover myself up, before realizing he’s asleep, and he’s already seen everything. I quietly start picking up my clothes, and putting them on, praying JJ doesn’t wake up. I couldn't possibly have this conversation right now. I’m too confused, and honestly, I wouldn’t know what to say. I give in and turn my eyes back to him, he hasn’t moved an inch, his soft breathing filling the quiet room. I feel a pang in my chest at the sight. Suddenly he shifts and I freeze, my heart pounding. He groans and turns the blanket falling off of him, leaving him stark naked. I can’t seem to peel my eyes off his incredibly toned butt. A butt that I got to touch last night. I feel my cheeks heat, and a warm feeling spreads inside of me. I quickly recognize it as lust, and turn away, shaking my head viciously. I shut the door quietly and start tiptoeing to the front door. I make sure to keep my eyes peeled but I don’t see anyone. I do see a bunch of empty cups, which Id usually pick up but right now I needed to get out of here. I hear a loud giggle and I freeze. I recognize it as Sarah, and it’s coming from down the hall in John B’s room. I can’t take the chance so instead I run, my feet moving quicker than I thought they could this early in the morning. I peel out of the driveway just as quickly, my heart hammering in my chest. What the fuck did I do? A vivid image of JJ on top of me clouds my brain, making my heart race. I can't get the distracting image out of my head, it only seems to intensify bringing the rest of the night along with it. I notice my dad’s truck upfront, which means he hasn’t left for work yet. I try to tame my wild curls, but to no avail. But I do make sure my clothes look normal and not like they’ve been lying on JJ Maybank’s floor all night. I tiptoe inside hoping he’s in the kitchen and I’ll have time to run upstairs to my room.  
“Kiara” My dad’s voice booms, and I groan quietly. Of course, he’d hear me come in. I straighten out my shirt and head to the kitchen, plastering a fake smile onto my face.  
“Morning” I chirp walking into the kitchen. His face is hard, as he looks me up and down.  
“Where were you?” He asks, his tone firm  
“I slept over at Sarah’s after the party” I respond easily.  
“You didn’t tell me or your mother” He states hands flat on the countertop.  
“Sorry I just assumed you guys knew, I don’t know why” I give him an innocent smile, his face doesn’t soften. “I’m really sorry, I should have called” I nod at him.  
“Kiara how many times do we have to tell you, you can’t be out all night without us knowing where you are” He states, his eyes wide and intense. I give him the best, soft girl look I can. Trying to pull the little angel card.  
“I know, I feel horrible and I’m so sorry if you guys worried” I try not to gloat when his face softens.  
“Next time call, God knows I pay enough for the bill” He points out, and I nod.  
“Of course” I smile, he returns the smile.  
“See you later at work” I kiss his cheek before making my way upstairs. I shut my door behind me, before sliding down it. I fucking slept with JJ, and the worst part is I don’t regret it. Worse than that I want to do it again. I shove my head in my hands groaning loudly.  
…  
Work doesn’t go any smoother. I keep messing up or getting distracted and dropping things. It doesn’t go unnoticed either, my dad keeps starring over, a disapproving look on his face. The easiest explanation being my head isn’t in it, it’s far away, or I guess I should say it’s stuck thinking about last night. The night keeps replaying, leaving me flustered and angry. I’m wiping down my last table when I hear the bells at the front door ring out. I turn and spot John B, Sarah, Pope, and JJ. I freeze, his eyes connecting with mine. I quickly look away, feeling my cheeks flush.  
“Sup bitch” Sarah pops up, a huge smile on her face. I can’t seem to find mine, not when my heartbeat is filling my ears.  
“Hey” I muster, her smile drops  
“You good?” She mouths I nod plastering on a fake smile.  
“Came to rescue you Kie” John B sidles up to Sarah, his arm dropping over her shoulder.  
“My hero” I glare, he chuckles.  
“Kiara” Dad’s voice rings out. I’ve never hoped he’d keep me behind but there’s a first for everything and today's the day.  
“I can close up by myself” He smiles lightly, and I nod.  
“Perfect” Sarah says, I nod. “Just going to get my bag” I smile, they nod. I rush back to the staff room and sit down on the bench. Fuck how was I suppose to act like I hadn’t seen him naked, or touched him naked?! I grab my bag and take a steadying breath. When I walk out the group is laughing loudly, JJ making some joke as per usual. He spots me first and he freezes, his eyes quickly moving away from me.  
“Surfing?” I ask  
“No, the boneyard” Sarah remarks, and I sigh  
“Again?” I huff feeling less than social. “Maybe I should just skip this one, I’m kind of tired” I shrug, hoping no asks why.  
“No Kie” Sarah interlocks out hands, shaking me slightly  
“Don’t worry JJ has weed, which will help” John B smiles at me, I groan but all of them let out a loud laugh. Sarah ends up dragging me to the ban despite me driving to work today. I plop down reluctantly, JJ sitting down next to me. I shift closer to the window creating more space between us. I sit there stiffly staring out the window. I’m also hyper-aware of JJ’s musky deodorant mixed with his signature sea breeze smell. It doesn’t usually cause goosebumps to break out onto my skin, but since having it surround me last night, that’s changed. I can also fee the heat of his skin radiating against mine, it’s oddly enthralling and very distracting.  
“Kie” Sarah’s voice breaks through my JJ trance. I turn to her quickly, feeling my cheeks heat.  
“What?” I ask slightly breathless. She gives me a weird look  
“I ran into Ethan” She explains, and honestly I’m blanking at the name, she huffs. “The hot surfer, remember we met him when you were teaching me” She tilts her head, a goofy smile on her face.  
“Ya, Ethan” I remember, she nods.  
“He asked about you” Her voice peppy. I’m still sort of distracted by how much I like JJ’s smell, so I just nod. “Geez kie, are you oblivious” She laughs, and I shift forward hoping for some different air.  
“Why?” I ask  
“He’s into you” in a duh tone.  
“He met me once” I sigh running a hand through my curls.  
“He finds you attractive which is the first step, plus he’s yummy” She coos, and I let out a light laugh.  
“Boyfriend here” John B interrupts, Sarah sighs  
“Not as yummy as you” She reaches out to lay her hand softly on his arm, he smiles. “Anyway, he said he’d be here” She grins widely. I lean back shaking my head.  
“Not really looking to date” I mumble, a lucid image of JJ naked pops into my head.  
“What? Why?” She whines “We could double date” She urges  
“Sarah” I sigh, she smiles.  
“Having a hot friend won’t hurt” She says simply, and I decide not to argue with her. She shifts back a triumphant smile on her face. I can suddenly feel JJ’s eyes on me, heat blooms over my skin. I don’t look back, I can’t.  
…  
Sarah makes it hard to escape down to the water, her arm locked firmly with mine. I know she’s looking for Ethan, she’s not very subtle. I finally risk taking a peek at JJ who already has a drink in his hand. His face is hard, even as Pope whispers something funny to him. I notice his fingers clench the neck of his beer bottle tightly, as he nods curtly in response. Then his eyes drift to me, so quickly I don’t have time to look away. His stiff features soften almost immediately. I can see the question in his eyes, the same one mirrored in mine. I’m also aware of how heart my heart is beating against my ribs, something not usually linked to JJ staring at me.  
“He’s here” Sarah states excitedly, and the trance between us is broken. I move my gaze to where she’s pointing my eyes landing on Ethan.  
“Stop pointing” I huff, and she drops her hand.  
“Ethan” She calls, her tone loud and bubbly. He turns a smirk on his face. Sarah starts towards him, dragging me along.  
“Hey” She smiles stopping right in front of him. His eyes move to me, an easy smile on his face. He is cute, with his mocha skin, and big brown eyes.  
“Hey” He responds, his eyes still on me.  
“Hey” I nod, tucking a stray curl behind my ear.  
“Oh John B’s calling me, you two talk” Sarah lets go of my arm, a wicked smile on her face. Both of us watch her run off, towards John B, who’s talking animatedly to Pope and JJ.  
“She’s not very subtle” I sigh, he chuckles his cheeks pink.  
“I don't mind” He responds, and I smile. “You want a drink?” He asks, and I nod vigorously. We walk together to the keg, and other drinks in various coolers. He hands me a cool beer from the cooler.  
“Hope that’s okay, it’s just Solo cups are super harmful for the environment,” He says, pointing to the beer.  
“No, I totally agree, I would have said something if you poured me one” I laugh, kind of shocked and happy at the common interest.  
“You’re into the environment then, I mean we all should be but” He laughs, and I nod.  
“We only have one earth” I reply, and he nods in agreement.  
“There’s actually a beach cleanup next week, you should come” He exclaims excitedly.  
“I actually organized it” I blush, his jaw drops.  
“Should have guessed” He muses with a soft smile breaking out onto his face.  
“I try to organize one every month, but not a lot of teenagers want to give up their time” I groan, he nods.  
“Ya, me and my brother go kayaking all over, as part of like a cleanup, taking all those stupid single-use plastics out of the water” He grunts annoyed.  
“Fucking single-use plastic” I nod, and he chuckles.  
“Well, maybe we could organize something together sometime” He suggests, I nod.  
“That sounds fun” I nod.  
“I’m actually kind of protesting plastic straws, and plastic grocery bags, and I was looking for someone who could help me with a flyer, or like a social media thing cause I’m not very artistic or affluent in social media algorithms” He explains a small chuckle escaping his lips.  
“Affluent, so you’re definitely smart” I laugh, and he blushes. “But ya that would be great, anything to help” I nod. He pulls out his phone and hands it to me to put my number in.  
“Yo Kie” I hear someone call, I turn and see John B, JJ, and Pope rushing towards me and Ethan.  
“Which one of us could chug a beer fastest” John B, rushes out, I stare at them trying not to laugh.  
“JJ,” I say, and they all groan while JJ cheers a wide smile on his face. “Is that all?” I ask laughing  
“Guys what the fuck” Sarah comes rushing over her eyes on me. “Sorry for the disruption” She smiles at Ethan and I groan.  
“Sarah” I laugh, she shrugs, her hand going around John B.  
“Kie told me JJ could chug a beer faster” John B whines to her, she laughs  
“I could chug one faster than you” She smiles adoringly, and he sighs.  
“Hey, I actually have to go, my brother just texted,” Ethan tells me, his eyes apologetic.  
“Ya, of course, it was nice talking to you” I smile, he nods and then he’s hugging me.  
“I’ll definitely text you maybe we could grab a coffee and talk about the flyer” He smiles widely, I nod. I watch as he walks off, turning to wave again. I smile and wave back, I can see him chuckle lightly before rushing off.  
“Oh god” Sarah cheers loudly  
“Stop” I laugh, she squeals again in delight.  
“He likes you and you two are so cute, also what about getting coffee?” She asks, her eyes wide with curiosity.  
“Just something he needs help with” I explain, she grins. My eyes move to JJ, who seems to be standing back awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. I feel the sudden urge to comfort him, but I quickly shake the thought away.  
“I have to grab something from the van” I blurt, Sarah nods. I take the keys from John B and start back to the car. I take a steadying breathe a salty breeze passing over me. I don’t end up going to the van I just continue down the beach, needing the space. I plop down on the sand, pulling my knees up to my chest. I stare at the waves, entranced by the bubbles where the water meets the sand. A sharp breeze passes over me, and I clutch my knees tighter, huddled for some warmth. I lean my head on my knee inhaling the calming scent of the ocean. I drop my hand to the damp sand, squishing it tightly in my hands.  
“Kie” I hear, and quickly turn to the voice. JJ stands a couple of feet away, his hair whipping wildly around his head.  
“Hey” I respond, my voice stiff.  
“Can I sit?” He asks moving closer. I hate how awkward this feels.  
“Sure, ya of course” I nod, moving my eyes back to the waves. I feel his body heat once again, and I almost lean into it. He coughs lowly, shifting slightly.  
“I hate how weird this feels” I blurt, my skin prickling from the chilly ocean breeze.  
“Me too” He agrees, his tone soft.  
“Why does it have to be?” I ask annoyed turning to him, he sighs.  
“I’m not the one avoiding you, and I didn’t leave right when I woke up” His features hardening. Wait was he offended that I left?! I shake the thought from my head.  
“I was freaked out okay, I’m sorry” I mumble, he nods biting down lightly on his lip.  
“It doesn’t have to be weird, we could chalk it up to being horny” he explains, and the words send a sharp pain through me.  
“Ya, I mean it was only one time:” I nod, "Technically more than once" He smirks, and I feel my cheeks burn. Then he starts laughing loudly, and it brings a bubble of laughter out of me. Then we’re laughing, and it feels normal and nice.  
“See, we’re fine” he shoves me with his shoulder, his eyes bright with amusement.  
“I’m glad” I smile, and his smile drops slightly a darker look taking over his features. Heat coils in my stomach at the hunger in his eyes. I move my gaze to his lips, and I find myself licking my own.  
“Kie” He whispers lowly, and it vibrates through me. I can feel the heat coursing through my veins, and it makes my skin flush.  
“I know” I reply, my voice hoarse. Then he’s leaning forward, and I’m meeting him halfway with eager lips. The kiss is warm and I can taste the beer he was drinking earlier. I move my hand to the base of his neck pulling him tighter to me, wanting, needing him closer. I shift up on my knees before I straddle his lap. His hands move to my hips, rocking me slowly back and forth. I trail my lips down his neck, sucking lightly. Relishing in the quiet groan he lets out, and the way his fingers dig into my hips.  
“Kie” he sounds wrecked and it only urges me on. I rock forward, and then he grips my chin pulling me back to his lips. I lean forward, pushing him so he’s now laying back onto the sand, my chest pressed against his. His hands move up my side, under my shirt. The feel of his calloused hands against my soft skin, makes me shiver and press further into him. He pulls back, and I let out a strangled moan in annoyance.  
“Why are you stopping,” I ask breathless, his eyes are shut tightly, and his lips are pink and swollen.  
“I, can’t,” he says, and a rush of embarrassment courses through me. I shift about to get off him and run, but he clutches my hips. “I can’t fuck you on the beach Kie, we could get arrested” He whispers, and I shiver at his use of words.  
“Okay,” I nod, licking my lips. His eyes go dark again, and my heart stutter in my chest. It’s the same awestruck look from last night, which makes me feel dizzy. He leans up capturing my lips in a bruising kiss.  
“I’m willing to risk it,” He says again my lips, and If I’m honest I would be too.  
“We can't” I laugh against him, he chuckles too. “How long do you think they'll want to stay?” I ask, he looks at me confused.  
“John B’s drunk so I assume a while” He answers.  
“Then the cars free” I whisper, the look in his eyes giving me confidence.  
“Don’t tease me Kie” He responds, and I smirk.  
“I’m not” I peck his lips. He pulls us both up quickly making me giggle. Then we both rush to the Van, the excitement and lust surging us forward. We both freeze, and JJ’s hand instantly drops mine.  
“There you guys are” Sarah huffs. John B is leaning against the van, his eyes shut. “John B is wasted” She explains and I shuffle forward handing her the keys.  
“I’m drunk too, can you drive?” She asks, I nod. I can still feel the heat of JJ’s lips. I move to the driver's seat as everyone piles into the car. Pope sits up front, claiming he’ll get carsick in the back. Which definitely means that they’re all pretty drunk.  
“Kie could you drop us off first, then you can take the car, we’ll pick it up in the morning,” Sarah says, hiccuping.  
“Sure” I nod. The drive is short and quiet, but I can still feel JJ’s hands on me and it makes for an uncomfortable drive. I pull into the chateau and park the car. Everyone piles out, even Pope.  
“I’m staying over my parents will kill if they see me like this” Pope slurs, John B groans in response.  
“See you Kie” Sarah blows me a kiss, I wave after them.  
“JJ I’m taking your bed” Pope calls as he rushes inside, as JJ stays back. I can feel my heart pound in my chest. He moves to the passenger's side window that’s open. He places his crossed forearms on the window, a smirk on his face.  
“I guess I kind of overestimated how long they’d want to stay” He quips and It makes me chuckle.  
“I guess” I nod, a smile stuck on my face.  
“Next time?” He asks, his tone low, and I can feel goosebumps break out on my skin.  
“In your wettest Maybank” I wink putting the car in drive, he grins.  
“I guess that’s tonight then” He winks backing up. I blush and drive the car forward. I can see him in the rearview mirror, he doesn’t move until I’m off the driveway. I still feel tingly all over, and now I’m even more confused. Fuck JJ Maybank.


	3. Crazed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teenagers with hormones, that's all it is. Kie's heard of people claiming love instead of what it actually was insatiable lust. Insatiable lust is what she has with JJ, that's all. It's time for her to finally satiate her cravings for a certain blonde Surfer.

The heatwave only got worse, and the no air-conditioning at the Chateau is not helping. That's how we find ourselves on the HMS Pogue, with chilled beers and JJ rolling a joint. The water spits up creating a very refreshing mist. I lean back against the warm leather, my curls whipping violently around me. Sarah stumbles towards me on shaky legs, her eyes wide with concentration.   
“Still getting used to being this close to the water” She laughs sitting down beside me. She hands me a beer, and I smile thankfully at her.   
“So, any details about Ethan?” She asks, her voice loud against the wind. I sip my beer while shaking my head. This is the fifth time she’s asked today.   
“Sarah, believe me when I say that Ethan and I are just friends working on a project” I respond, she sighs.   
“Why won’t you even consider it?” She huffs. My eyes automatically shift to JJ. He’s still rolling the joint, very meticulously. A wide smile pops onto his face and his eyes spring up to meet Pope’s.   
“I’m just not looking right now” I look away feeling my cheeks burn.   
“Fine, but he is into you” She continues, making me chuckle. John B cuts the engine just as JJ finishes rolling the joint. I stand and grab the anchor, throwing it into the water.   
“Let's hurry up, it’s already hot again” Sarah mutters pulling her hair off her shoulders. JJ lights the joint, inhaling a couple times. His face contorts lightly as he holds it in his mouth, passing it to John B, who passes it to Sarah. My eyes are still glued to JJ as he releases the smoke from his lips. It billows around him, and the sight makes my mouth go dry.   
“Kie” Sarah’s voice rings out, and I quickly look away. She looks amused, as she holds the joint for me to take.   
“Sorry” I take it from her, feeling the heat in my cheeks burn. I can feel JJ’s eyes on me as I take a small drag. I catch his eyes, and he has a satisfied smirk on his face. Annoyance shoots through me, as he lightly licks his lips. A sudden burst of confidence shoots through me, so I lean forward just enough so that my hair falls into my face. I keep my eyes on his as I inhale the smoke, pulling my curls over my shoulder, much like I did the first night. I notice his smile slip just slightly, that’s when I exhale similar to him the smoke billows around me, but I lean my head up, so he has a good view of my neck. I smile sweetly, as I pass the joint back to him, his eyes dazed.   
“Do you guys know Sabrina?” Pope brings us both back to reality. He looks at me, so I shake my head in response.   
“What’s her last name?” Sarah asks  
“Lewis, I think” He answers her, a small blush on his cheeks.   
“Oh ya I know her since kindergarten” Sarah smiles “Kie you know her too,” She says, and I pout slightly. “Everyone always calls her Bree” Sarah explains   
“Ohh, shit ya” I nod “She’s…” I put my hands up, and make a sour face like that’ll explain her.   
“Bitch” JJ asks  
“She can be, but you know I don’t like calling other woman bitches” I scold shoving him with my toe  
“I was merely pointing it out” he smiles back.   
“Why?” I ask Pope, he blushes again.   
“She asked me out” He shrugs  
“When?” JJ asks, his tone, excited.   
“Yesterday at the boneyard” he answers. “She asked for my number” he affirmed. Sarah gives me wide eyes and I return them.   
“Just be careful Pope,” I say, his eyes move back to mine slowly. His eyes are soft, but there’s something in them I can’t quite decipher.   
“Dude you might as well try, what’s holding you back:” JJ interrupts in an encouraging tone.   
“JJ” I groan   
He looks at me exasperated “What Kie, it’s true” I can’t argue with his reasoning so instead I just turn away from him. I zone out for the rest of the conversation, my eyes glued to the water rippling outwards, as the boat sways.   
…   
I met Ethan for coffee after getting high with the Pogues. To say I’m baked is accurate enough. It’s mostly worn off but I still feel light and a small buzz lays under my skin. I sit inside the cool air blasting over me. Ethan’s not here yet, so I decided to order for myself, and pull out my phone to text Sarah.   
“Here,” I write, she made sure I’d text her when I got here.   
“Ethan there?” She responds lightening-quick.   
“No” I type back, placing my phone face down on the small wooden table. My eyes fall on a couple in front of me. They laugh quickly to each other, their smiles splitting their faces. He leans in whispering something in her ear, in which laughter bubbles out of her in response. Most of the time I brush these couples off, with only a slight annoyance for the eye-soar but today I can’t seem to look away. He reaches for her hand as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. Their fingers intertwine, and her amused smile becomes softer and more gentle. She blushes, and her lips move but I can’t make out what she’s saying. He blinks, his eyes wide, and his smile drops slightly. He stays like that for a couple of seconds, almost like he’s absorbing what she just said to him. She blinks a couple of times, her already pink cheeks becoming darker. Finally, he smiles, and it’s not just a regular funny smile it’s adoring and even catches me off guard.   
“Sorry I’m late” Ethan sits down blocking the couple from my view. I blink a couple of times, my mind still preoccupied with the pair a couple of feet away.   
“No, it’s fine” I stammer lamely, stretching my fingers around the cold coffee. He pulls out his laptop, his breathing a bit rapid and uneven. I notice his hair is messier than usual, and his mocha skin is flushed and gleaming with a layer of sweat.   
“Did you run here?” I ask, my eyes traveling over his face.   
“Ya, I had a meeting a couple of blocks away” He shrugs, running a hand through his curls.   
“I could have picked you up, it’s boiling outside” I declare sticking my thumb out towards the window.   
“I didn’t think of that, but next time” He smiles, his cheeks finally returning to normal. The waitress comes over and takes his order before giving us both a very forced smile.   
“Looks like maybe the break room AC is broken” He whispers. I laugh loudly, it echoes off the walls making me cover my mouth quickly. Ethan chuckles lightly, a fond smile on his face.   
“So I have some ideas” He cuts right in turning his computer towards me. He has a whole list of words and phrases as well as coordinated themes for the flyers.   
“You’re organized” I smile pulling the laptop closer to me.   
He scratches the back of his neck, an embarrassed look on his face. “I didn’t want to be unprepared for this” He explains, and I nod.   
“It’s really helpful” I nod my eyes scanning over the clear and precise points and lists. “I think you could do them all, for social media I mean, a new pop-up each week to keep people interested” I push the laptop back to him. He looks down at the screen, and nods, his face becomes oddly serious.   
“I didn’t think of that” He muses more to himself than me. “That’s brilliant” he looks up, a wide, toothy smile on his face.   
“Thanks” I blush sipping my drink.   
…  
The gravel crunches under my feet as I make my way to the back of the Chateau. I can hear John B’s laugher, and I can imagine Sarah’s adoring eyes smiling along. The heat is still sticking to my skin, even with the sun low in the sky. I wipe my hand across the base of my neck, the humidity drenching me with sweat. Pope is the first to see me, his easy smile widening, and his eyes bright. “Kie” he calls, and they all turn bright smiles. I wave and give them a broad smile. I sit down between Pope and JJ, my usual seat. I place my backpack between my legs, sighing loudly as the slight breeze swirls over me.“So” Sarah’s voice is cheerful, and her smile matches tenfolds.   
“So?” I mock, and she groans making John B chuckle. I unzip my bag and pull out the six-pack I bought before I came over.   
“Kie, you know the way to my heart” JJ remarked a smirk on his lips. I pass him the six-pack and glare, but put no real heat behind it.   
“Come on Kie please tell me” Sarah steps in, her tone stuck between peppy and annoyed. I shrug and start playing with a loose thread common off my shirt.   
“We’re friends,” I say, keeping my eyes on the whites of my shoes. I can hear her soft snort of disappointment, but I just shrug again.   
“Do you not like him?” She asks  
“I like him as a friend” I explain, my tone firmer now.   
“That means she thinks he’s nice but doesn’t find him attractive” JJ interferes, his voice smug and confident. I look up from my shoes and glare in his direction. “It’s true” He shrugs, and I shake my head vigorously.   
“He’s very attractive, I just don’t want the stress of a boyfriend” I huff, his eyes moving lightly across my face. For some reason, I felt my cheeks burn, and it only angered me more. “I’m serious, boys are fun to look at but they’re too much work” I stammer, and he nods but in a condescending way.   
“That’s sexist” Pope points out, and I sigh realizing it does sound pretty bad.   
“I mean immature boys” I start but shake my head. “Fine that was stupid I just meant for me right now I’m not looking for the intense loved-up relationship” I try to explain, Pope looks away, his eyes on the beer in his hand.   
“So friends?” Sarah adds in, her tone dubious, I nod curtly feeling my cheeks blazing now. I could feel JJ’s eyes on me, and I felt so uncomfortably seen it made me squirm. I take one of the beers mostly so I could have something to do other than think of JJ’s eyes on me.   
“I think I’m gonna go out with Sabrina” Pope blurts his tone sounding unsure and choppy.   
“Congrats man, she’s cute’ JJ smiles encouragingly.  
“Ya could be your first girlfriend” John B tears leaning over to clap him on the shoulder. Pope pushes him but a small smile plays at his lips.   
“It’s a date” He blushes, his eyes moving to mine. I smile trying to be encouraging rather than dubious of Sabrina’s intentions.   
“To Pope’s date” I lift my beer bottle, and his eyebrows shoot up a look of embarrassment on his face. Everyone cheers and the clink of glass echoes around us.   
…  
JJ started a small fire for light when the sun finally disappeared. We all move away from it, the heat still clinging to the air around us. Sarah and John B are snuggled close, whispering sweet nothings to each other. It would be sickening if I didn’t love both of them. My eyes move away from the happy couple towards a certain blonde mess of hair. He’s facing the water, leaning back on one of his palms, so I can only see the back of his head. I’m glad to have his eyes face the other way. Every time he looks at me lately I freeze or it feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I attribute it to being horny, which sort of helps with all the confusing thoughts swarming my head. Lust is easy, it’s simple. Attraction is chemical and it’s human nature. Which is only normal for two teenagers in the prime of all their hormones. So when I feel the pressure of his lips on my lips and skin, it’s easy to call it hormones. My mouth goes dry, so I tip my beer up, but to my dismay, I finished it. I stand, going inside to grab another pack that Sarah brought over earlier.   
“Where are you going?” Pope asks, his voice startling me slightly. I freeze, and point to my empty beer in hand, he nods understanding. The usual hard dirt has softened from all the heat in the air, so I left a slight impression in the soft mud as I walked to the backdoor. The screen door creaks loudly, slamming shut behind me. I pull on the rusty door handle to open the ancient refrigerator. The loud familiar buzz ricochets out from the fridge. The cool gust of air that follows makes me shut my eyes and sigh in relief.   
“Hogging all the cold air” JJ’S voice booms behind me. I move so fast my heart beating loudly that the fridge rattles.   
“Fuck JJ” I exhale, my eyes wide. “You scared me” I add noticing his amused smile. He leans forward both hands on the countertop, and his tongue darts out to lick his lips. I try not to stare so instead I move my gaze back to the fridge pulling out the beers.   
“Beat you to it” I gloat. His face however isn’t playful, but intense. The thrum is thick behind my skin, as our eyes stay connected.   
“I wanted to talk,” He says, and I nod, not trusting my words right now. He steps away from the counter, and I’m oddly aware of how my body arches forward the tiniest bit. He walks forward, his eyes never leaving mine. Whereas I feel stuck in place, like someone glued the soles of my shoes to the old wooden floors. He’s suddenly right in front of me, so close I can smell the sunscreen I’d given him earlier, on his skin. I don’t move, I just wait for what feels like the inevitable.   
“I know things have been” He whispers, his tone soft but somethings hidden under it.   
“Weird” I supply, surprised at how confident it comes out. I don’t feel confident. He runs a hand through his already messy hair, a quizzical smile on his face.   
“Weird” He nods, his voice so quiet I don’t know if I imagined it. “I can’t get you out of my head Kie, and I know it sounds so fucking stupid but It’s true” he states louder. The words slice through me, bringing me back to reality. To how much I wanted to reach up and run my hand through his hair, and bring his chapped lips to mine.   
“I can’t get you out of my head either” I admit, licking my lips. His eyes follow my movement, a dazed look takes over his features. He steps closer, and I instinctively step back. The cold metal of the fridge is against my back and JJ’s arm moves to cage me in.   
“What do we do about it?” He asks, and I suck in a shaky breath. I’d never seen JJ like this before, so hungry, and for me. The thought enthralled me, made a new kind of heat soak through my skin. I could feel the beat of my heart, and the swoosh of the blood in my veins. Everything felt so animated and amplified.   
“I could think of something” I retort boldly. I didn’t care if it came off as needy, I did need him right now. I needed him to fulfill this sudden primal need I had. I wanted him to kiss me, and I wanted to feel his lips move down my body making my body break out with goosebumps. “You should do something about it now” I murmur, a sly smiling working its way onto my face. His eyes were dark and his smile sent a chill down my spine. He leaped forward, his mouth again mine, feverish, delirious. It was all lips and tongues fighting for dominance. Hands clawing at each other's clothing, searching for the soft skin underneath. Everything felt so intense. I could feel unadulterated need for the first time in my life, so bright and bold in front of me. I wanted him so much I didn’t care who walked in. His fingers moved under my top, trailing heat wherever he touched. I raked my fingers through his hair pulling him roughly against me. He moaned into the kiss which made heat pool inside me. He was suddenly lifted me, my legs wrapping easily around his waist. He brought me to the island, his hands moving from under my butt to my hips. I arched into him, needing some kind of friction. His fingers dug deeply into my hips, which I’ve noticed he does when he wants to regain some semblance of control. I pull away, a crazed smile on my face. He looks dazed, and just as needy as me. His lips move to the column of my neck, sucking gently. It felt intoxicatingly good, my brain started to cloud with ecstasy. I move my hand down his chest and start clawing at his belt. He pulls away from my neck to my dismay a serious look on his face.   
“Now?” He asks. His voice a low timber vibrating straight through me. I could feel my blood coursing so loudly, it filled my ears. The need to have him now was so strong I don’t think I could stop if I wanted to, and I didn’t want to.   
“Now” I confirm, my voice hoarse. He needed no other reassurance, as he pushes his pants down, and pulls me into a frantically beautiful kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked the chapter!!  
> Feedback is encouraged and appreciated :)


	4. A Deal

Sarah and I sit in her room as she gushes about how it’s her six month anniversary. They plan to go out to dinner, per her request. I honestly don’t know if I’d celebrate six months of dating, but she seems beyond excited. She continues to ramble about what she should wear, spewing out option after option. While my mind runs wildly with vivid images of JJ from the other night in the kitchen. His wild eyes, glued to mine as both of our bodies sync together. The thought makes my skin go warm, and a tingle works its way through my center. Thank god no one walked in on us, I couldn’t imagine being caught like that. The most embarrassing part was that I didn't think I’d be able to stop if we were caught. I move my finger slowly to my lips, a smile on my face. I trail down to my neck where the purple spot I found this morning is. It took a lot of coverup and color-correcting but it’s hidden. There are more spots tailing down my chest, imprints of JJ’s lips on my skin. It’s going to be hard to cover them for surfing, but the image of them inflicts warm, delicious thoughts so I don’t mind too much. When I press my finger down a zap shoots through me, making heat coil through me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, it’s on a loop in my head. I’m perpetually turned on, and I don’t know what to do to satiate it. Another image of JJ thrusting into me burns behind my eyes, making me shift in my seat. It’s like I could still feel his hands all over me, exploring the expanse of my skin. The worst is I could still smell him on me, even after numerous showers. It was like it was ingrained in me, the smell bursting over me like a reminder of how much I want him.   
“Kie” Sarah’s voice is loud and I freeze, my heart pounding. I turn to her eyes wide and face flushed. She has her hands on her hips, a small amused smile on her face. “Are you listening?” I shift again, clearing my throat before I answer “Sorry I zoned out” She nods, her eyes curious but accepting. She turns back to her closet, and I sigh in relief, my heart still thumping loudly.   
“So, blue dress or white?” She turns both dresses hanging delicately off hangers. I examine both dresses a bit out of my element.   
“Blue” I note, since it is her color, she beams at me.   
“I thought the same thing” She cheers, and I smile back at her. She puts the white dress back, throwing the blue dress onto the bed lazily. “Now shoes,” She says offhandedly. She pulls out her white chunky heels a victorious smile on her face.   
“Could you curl my hair, I would do it myself it’s just I can never do the back right” She asks, her head tilting slightly.   
“Sure” I agree, and she grins. She places her outfit out on the bed, quickly moving back to her vanity. I stand knowing she’ll want me to start while she does her makeup. She continues to ramble on about John B and all his sweet gifts he’s given her so far. I try to pay attention, but it’s hard, incredibly hard. So instead I focus on not burning myself or her with the curling iron. Watching the heat conform her usually straight hair into tight ringlets is distracting enough, but it doesn’t last long. Soon she’s finished and asking me if she looks perfect, which I tell her she does because she does look absolutely flawless. Then I’m watching as John B picks her up in his old Van, his smile just as wide as hers. They hug tightly before he pulls back pecking her lips lightly. They were adorably in love, it’s was almost annoying, but mostly it made me smile. Then I found myself driving to the chateau where I knew JJ would be, like always. Pope was still working, and then he was going to meet us there to drink and watch movies on my laptop. It was a weird feeling knowing that we’d somehow end up making out, inevitable really. It was a new feeling one I hadn’t had before, but I was experiencing a lot of firsts with JJ already.   
…  
When I get to the Chateau, I can feel the heat sticking to my already warm skin. As soon as the AC shuts off I’m drenched with sweat. This heatwave wasn’t letting up, and now we were stuck in the chateau with no form of air conditioning. I grab my bag which has my laptop and head inside.   
“JJ” I call once I’m inside, already walking to the couch, the heat exhausting me.   
“Be right out” He calls back as I plop down on the couch. The Chateau is even being affected by the heatwave, the paint seems to be chipping, and the old wood is dewy. JJ walks out from the bathroom, his hair wet and dripping water all over the floor. Of course, he just got out of the shower, why make it easy on me! He smiles at me an easy JJ smile which makes me smile in return.   
“Dude the floor is damp from the heat” I point out, he moves to the fridge, looking inside its contents.   
“I know, it’s rotting” he explains, and I wince staring down at the floorboards.   
“Maybe we should replace it?” I offer, knowing it might give in soon. He walks back holding two beers in one hand.   
“By we you mean me right?” He chuckles handing me a beer.   
“Well obviously, you’re the only one of us good with a hammer” I explain “Okay I take that back I’m good too but it’s too hot for me to work” I add quickly making him chuckle loudly.   
“You’re definitely better than Pope” He admits and I shove him lightly with my hand. “That’s a compliment” He exclaims, and I roll my eyes. I twist off my cap and take a long sip of the cool beer. I shift moving my feet under me, while grabbing my backpack that I dropped a foot away. I almost slip forward but JJ’s finger loops into one of the belt loops of my jeans holding me steady. He pulls slightly helping me straighten up.   
“Thanks” I smile and he nods. I feel the heat of his eyes as I pull out my laptop, it excites me. “What do you want to watch?” I ask before I sip my beer. My eyes are glued to the Netflix queue, as I scroll through it.   
“Can I ask you something?” He blurts, and I turn to face him. His head is back against the couch, but his eyes are still on me.   
“Sure” I nod, my finger hovering above the touchpad. He licks his lips before he says anything, his face becoming serious.   
“What happened in the kitchen?” He inquired.   
“We had sex” I answer, and he lets out a small airy laugh.   
“Really?” He mocks, making me smile. “I meant, what the fuck does it mean…. Not that it has to mean anything, but I’m curious cause I don’t know if..” He struggles nervously. I’d never seen JJ nervous, not while talking to a girl. He’s almost always calm and collected. “I just want to know the rules, and ya” He finishes, his tone clumsy. He’s fingers are flexing around his beer, as he leans forward elbows on his knees.   
“I don't know” I reply honestly. I didn't know what the fuck that meant or why I seemed to suddenly be so insanely attracted to him.   
“So we’re both confused” He laughs   
“All I know is..” I stop, should I tell him that I have this attraction towards him that I can’t seem to shut off? I felt nervous all of a sudden, with his curious eyes on me. “I’m horny” I blurt, and his eyebrows shoot up a small smile bursting onto his face. “I mean I have needs and so do you and we’re good at it.. right,” I ask with a hammering heart.   
“We are definitely good at it” he agrees with a wolfish grin. Relief flooded me, and I suddenly felt confident and determined.   
“So why can’t we just do that, and stay friends?” I shrug, and I can see the surprise on his face.   
“So you actually want to be friends with benefits?” He asks, the disbelief evident in his voice.   
“Yes for some unknown reason you’re good in bed” I reply and he chuckles.   
“I turn you on, that’s why right?” He smirks, and even that stupid cocky smirk makes heat bloom over me.   
“Yes, and I know I turn you on so..?” I quip, and he nods leaning back.   
“I’m in” He agrees  
“Okay” I smile   
“But what are the rules because I know you’re gonna have rules” He stated, and I chuckle.   
“Well, I don’t want an STD so no other people for both of us okay, just this. And if either of us wants out for any reason then this ends. Also if it starts effecting out friendship this ends okay” I explain, he nods.   
“What if we want to have sex with someone else?” He asks, and I refrain from rolling my eyes.   
“That’s fine as long as you tell me and I tell you. Honesty always” I answer “But if this is too much for you, the not being with other girls then just tell me cause it’s not a big deal” I add, and he winces slightly shaking his head.   
“No” he blurts out quickly “I mean sex is sex and sex with you is… good to say the least so” He explains, his cheeks pink. “I rock your wold Maybank” I mock with a gleeful smile, he rolls his eyes but chuckles anyway.”Also, no telling the others, just between us okay” I say, and he nods.   
“Just us” he agrees. I notice him shift forward, just an inch, his eyes on my lips. My skin broke out into goosebumps, when his finger started inching up my thigh, slowly.   
“Pope’s gonna be here soon” I scold, but I sounded unbothered. How could I be when I’d been fantasizing all morning about this.   
“We have twenty minutes” He mumbles, his lips pressing so lightly against mine.   
“Twenty minutes” I agree before smashing our lips together. I slide my laptop to the side and shift so I’m now straddling his lap.   
“I’m going to like this” He smiles against my lips. I arch into him, moving my lips to the crook of his neck. I suck lightly on his pulse-point, and he tenses under me. His fingers move under my shirt, trailing over the expanse of my stomach. We both spring apart when we hear a car pull up, fixing our mused clothing. Pope walks in annoyed from a stressful conversation with his dad so he doesn’t notice out flushed faces. He plops down between us in desperate need of a beer and a mind-numbing movie.   
…  
I stare at my lit-up screen in my darkroom, my fingers hovering over the send button. I couldn’t sleep and it was mostly due to flashbacks and hormones. So now I’m debating whether to text JJ to come over and help me out. The lust raging inside of me won out over my nerves so I hit send. I quickly shut off my phone staring up at my ceiling. Maybe he’s not awake or maybe inviting him over for sex is weird. Was the agreement just for sometimes if we were together and both of us were in the mood? Is this uncharted territory? My phone beeps and my thoughts freeze.   
“Be right over” He writes, and I feel relief flood my body. Of course, he’d be down, it was just sex in a very comfy bed. I’m expecting him to text me so I can let him in, but instead, ten minutes later I hear a soft knock at my window.  
“You could have texted” I whisper as he moves strategically from the branch of the tree to the window.   
“I didn't want to walk through the whole house” He responded, and I rolled my eyes. He steps in with a soft thud, and I close the window behind him. Now that he’s here I feel apprehensive and confused. Was this the right call? He drops his bag and turns to me with a big smile.   
“I’m glad you texted” He smiles warmly at me, and all that stupid fear of awkwardness washes away. It’s JJ and me, it’s not weird. I move first pulling him into a feverish kiss. He kisses back eagerly, his hands moving under my sleep shirt. His big hands grip my waist, as he deepens the kiss, making me slightly dizzy. He breaks away and I stare confused until he pulls off his shirt, so I do the same. He pulls me back in moving us so we fall onto the bed, me under him. His lips trail hot kisses down my neck and chest. My breathing becomes hollow and rapid, as I arch into him. I can feel him chuckle against my hip bone and it makes me free.   
“What?” I ask, sounding breathless.   
“You have bears on your underwear” He explains, and I sigh.   
“JJ” I scold as he moves back up my body, his face now above mine. “Don’t tease me about my underwear, just take them off” I quip, and the look on his face sends a shock wave through me. He captures my lips in a bruising kiss, the kind you feel the next day.   
“Bears are my new favorite animal” he mumbles moving down my body making me chuckle. The chuckle gets lost in my throat as I feel his lips at the apex of my thigh.   
…  
“It was so romantic Kie” Sarah coos, her eyes glazed over with glee. We’d been sitting at the beach for over an hour as she explained in great detail her date. “He bought me flowers, and chocolates like a fucking romance movie” She chuckles, her cheeks pink from the sun. I lean back on my palms, tilting my head up to the sun. “Don't even get me started on how sexy he looked” She squeaks, making me chuckle.   
“Can I ask you something?” I blurt, she turns to me and nods the sun in her eyes. “Do you feel..” I stumble over my words. “Do you ever feel like you need him, you know like sexually?” I ask and she looks confused.   
“Are you asking me if he turns me on?” She asks making me chuckle.   
“No, I’m asking if it’s uncontrollable” I turn away staring off the crashing waves. “Like a physical need you know” I add   
“Ya definitely, sometimes even I’m overwhelmed by how much I want him” She giggles, “I think that comes with loving someone?” She quips  
“You don't think it can just be physical?” I ask her, she hums lightly.   
“I don't know, I think you need to be connected with someone. It comes with knowing someone I should say, like really knowing them” She clarifies.   
“That makes sense” I nod   
“Why are you lusting over Ethan?” She laughs, her eyes bright with amusement.   
“No” I shake my head in repose. I kind of wanted to tell her, explain this overwhelming feeling to someone, but I refrain.   
“Have you ever been turned on by someone random?” She blurts, and I laugh.   
“No, have you?” I ask in return, she shakes her head.   
“Honestly the only person I’ve been with is John B” She blushes   
“You lucked out then” I grin, and she nods. We both fall silent, our eyes trailing over the water. I wonder if the reason I’m so attracted to JJ is because I know him so well and he knows me. We have been friends since we were kids. Or maybe it’s because of the experience JJ has, he’s just naturally good. The thought kind of annoys me, but I shake it off. I’ve only been with one person besides JJ. The guy I lost my virginity to, James Baker. We had been on three dates, and I guess I was just curious and he was well he’s a teenage boy so he’d been thinking of it since the first date. He was nice, but clumsy. It was quick, which I expected, and it was painful, kind of like a cramp. I was glad when it was over, my curiosity was cured and now I just felt.. I guess I didn't really feel anything. I had sex one more time after that, seeing if maybe it’d be better, maybe I’d feel better about it. I didn't feel better. I ended it a couple of days later, telling him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. He seemed fine, we had only been on together a couple of weeks, nothing to write home about. Afterward I kind of felt empty, and awkward like I had given into being the cliche teenage girl who wanted to feel something. I couldn’t talk to John B about it, he was working through problems with his dad, and I guess it just didn't feel right to tell him. Pope was Pope, and I knew he’d make it medical and super clean which I didn't want. I guess I told myself JJ was my only option but if I was honest I knew he’d be able to make me feel better about it. He always made things clear for me, it was our thing. With JJ I knew he was being honest and not just being nice. Honesty is our thing, we never lie to each other. So when I told him, he explains his first time. He didn't try to tell me it was fine or that I was being dramatic he just gave me another example, his example. The feeling of guilt washed away, and I realized that it was a normal thing to do, and that next time I’d really want it. Well, the next time I really did want it. This time felt so much different, it wasn’t me trying something, it was me needing something, needing JJ, primally. Now I was so lust-filled I had made a deal with one of my best friends for sex. So besides this time being way more climactic than the first, it was also more fulfilling, more mature.


	5. Can't Get Enough

My back slams roughly against the wall, shaking the shelves of cleaning supplies. I freeze, but JJ’s lips continue their path along my neck, oblivious. He stops at the crease where my neck meets my shoulder, sucking lightly. I shiver and let out a small moan, my brain drifting away from the prospect of spilled bleach. I bring his lips back up to meet mine in a hurried, sloppy kiss. His hands move under my crochet tank-top sending pinpricks of heat over me. His finger shimmy along my bra, waiting for my approval. I break away from his intoxicating lips just enough to catch my breath.  
“Someone could walk in” I breathe, my heart hammering. He nods, looking around the small janitors closet.  
“Larry’s on break till four” He replies as if he’s just remembered. That’s enough assurance I need to bring his delicious lips back to mine. I can’t say I was expecting us to have sex in a janitor's closet when I came to visit him at work. It was more of an invitation for later, tonight after our usual hangout with the Pogues. But one thing lead to another and now we were here, clawing at each other.  
“We can't” I huff against his lips, actually disappointed. His chuckle vibrates through me, and he leans in capturing my lips again. The worry of being caught suddenly feels so far away, maybe it’s just because of the way, his fingers brush lightly over my thigh. He breaks away a wicked smile on his face, I arch my brow confused. Then he’s down on his knees looking up at me and I feel like I can’t breathe again.  
“Better than nothing” He smirks, and I feel my body burn with desperate desire. His fingers hook into the loops of my shorts, pulling down lightly. I should stop him, tell him that this isn’t responsible, and that anyone could walk in. But the smile on his lips combined with the dark lust swirled in his eyes is too much to deny. He kisses the inside of my thigh lightly, and I have to accept that the real reason I don't want this to stop is because I’m too far gone, and I need this, him.  
…  
We stumble out of the dimly lit janitors closet clumsily, both of us fixing our mused clothing. Thankfully no one was around to see the embarrassing walk of shame. I could still feel my heart thrum with panic and desire.  
“That was too close” I mumble as we walk to the main garage where JJ works. His wolfish grin makes it known that he doesn’t regret it one bit. “JJ” I groan but I can’t help the smile that sticks to my face.  
“You had fun” he winks, and I blush “I know you had fun” He adds, and I shake my head grinning.  
“Maybank, breaks over” The guy I’ve learned is JJ’s boss calls, his eyes moving between us. Derek’s a big guy, burley is the most accurate. He’s bald, and he has bags under his eyes that come with running a business, they match my dad’s.  
“Sorry to keep him” I smile sweetly, trying to get him off the hook. Derek's hard eyes soften just slightly, and he gives me a short, curt nod.  
“I’ll see you tonight” I turn to JJ, he has a soft smile on his face. “What?” I ask noticing his eyes travel over me.  
“Nothing, see you tonight” He nods already moving back to his work station. I’m suddenly being pushed roughly, so I turn to the guilty party.  
“What the fuck?” I ask, the person who pushed me looks at me with wide eyes. It’s a scrawny kid, maybe thirteen, fourteen, he looks scared out of his mind.  
“Sorry” he stammers, I drop the glare.  
“No it’s fine” I smile reassuringly, but he still looks terrified.  
“First day?” I guess, he nods.  
“Don’t worry the guys in here are all big softies” I whisper, and a wide wobbly smile forms on his lips.  
“Thanks, I’ll remember that” he nods, and I grin.  
“Kiara, but you can call me Kie” I stick out my hand, he moves the wrench he has in his grip under his arm shaking my outstretched hand.  
“Kyle” he introduces himself, I nod.  
“Well, I’ll probably see you around Kyle.” I pat his shoulder gently before moving past him towards the parking lot.  
…  
“Tada” Sarah cheers as she moves her hands from my eyes. There are two big fans sitting in John B’s living room. They look expensive, the type with no actual blade inside pushing the cool air out.  
“Good choice” I smile, and she nods.  
“John B told me not to but I couldn’t resist. It’s more for me actually I can’t stand the fucking heat” She plops down in a heap. I sit down beside her as she clicks the remote turning on the fan. At first, it’s just warm air being pushed around the living room, but then it starts to lighten, and cool.  
“See” She sighs happily leaning back into the couch. Just then I hear the familiar laughter of the boys as they clamber inside. They all turn to us, with wide confused eyes.  
“Sarah got fans” I spread out my hands in a tada motion similar to Sarah’s. John B steps forward, scanning the two fans.  
“I told you not to,” he says, his voice kind of tight and uncomfortable.  
“It was more for me, I can’t stay here when it’s this hot” She complains, and he turns to her his eyes sharp. The tension in the room thickens, and I shift up, curling my legs under me. “What?” She asks her eyebrows knit together.  
“I don't want the fans,” He says, and she shakes her head.  
“Why, it’s fucking hot in here?!” She states matter-of-fact, he looks away, his shoulders stiff.  
“Could we maybe talk outside?” He asks, his tone clipped, she looks at me, and I give her a gentle look.  
“Fine” She huffs standing. They head to the backdoor in silence, all of us staring after them.  
“I already told you not to get them, Sarah,” He says once the door shuts behind them. I turn towards JJ and Pope, who is still staring at the door.  
“Guys,” I say, and they both turn to me quickly. “Beer?” I hold out my hand expectantly. Pope’s holding the pack, so he surges forward, placing them on my lap. I take one out as Pope plops down next to me in the seat Sarah was just in.  
“These fans are pretty great” He hums melting into the couch. JJ walks forward standing directly in front of one, his eyes closed, and a smile on his face.  
“If he doesn’t want it, I’ll take one” JJ says, his eyes still closed.  
“I think he’s just embarrassed,” I say twisting off the cap. “You know how you boys get” I mock, and Pope shoves me.  
“I would take them” JJ moves from in front of the fan to sit on the other side of me.  
“You would not” I chuckle, and he glares  
“Would so” He disagrees  
“You’re terrified of everything, and this would seem like too much of a commitment to you” I explain, and he turns away from me.  
“Well, I want them now” He shrugs nonchalantly.  
“She’ll convince him” Pope speaks up, and we both turn “He loves her” He explains simply, his eyes on mine. I feel the sudden urge to turn away, so I do and I take a long sip of my beer. JJ reaches for a beer from my lap, opening it and taking a long swig. All of us stare ahead, waiting for John B and Sarah to come back. A couple minutes pass before we hear the screen door swing open, we all turn. John B’s sour face is gone, and Sarah is smiling widely.  
“So.. what movie tonight?” She asks plopping down on the love-seat. John B sits on the edge of her seat, beer in hand.  
“Tonights action night,” I say, and she groans  
“Sarah you know this, Tuesday equal action” JJ states, and I can't help the small bubble of laughter that slips out of me, he smiles.  
“I know but..” She tampers off an annoyed look on her face.  
“Diehard it is” I stand, and the boys clap loudly, making Sarah laugh  
“Wait,” She says, and I turn to her confused.  
“What If instead we go to the boneyard?” She asks, and I sigh  
“Again?” I ask, and she nods vigorously.  
“Come on, we can drink and not watch Diehard” She encourages, her pleading eyes moving to the easiest victim, John B.  
“Don’t’ I point, and he sighs, sipping his beer.  
“Please” She coos, her tone soft and so Sarah it almost makes me roll my eyes in amusement.  
“I’m down” John B grins, and I groan. JJ agrees next, and obviously Pope follows with a simple nod of his head. They all turn to me with expecting eyes.  
“Fuck this” I state  
“Come on Kie, I’ll give you dibs on this” JJ pulls out a rolled joint. I reach for it quickly snapping it out of his grasp with a satisfied smirk. “Kie” he groans, but he’s laughing.  
“Fine” I sigh already lighting the joint. Sarah jumps out of her seat a big grin on her face. We all pile into the van, me with much less enthusiasm, but the joints helping. I pass the burning joint to JJ after I’ve taken a couple hits, he accepts easily. I’ve always been intrigued by the way JJ smokes, so methodical. He takes his time with it, not like others who puff quickly trying to inhale the smoke quickly for a faster high. JJ takes his time, letting the smoke swirl around in his mouth before he lets it billow out into a thick cloud around him. Now when I watch him, it’s not curiosity that fills me but a deep need. A deep thump low in my belly that grows with every drag, and expands with every exhale. It’s distracting and beautiful all at once. His eyes meet mine, and I can see the look from earlier has returned. His usual sea-foam eyes are darker more like the water during a storm. It never fails to send a shiver through me, and bring a tingle to my skin. Our stares are so charged I’m surprised no has noticed, but their all oblivious. Pope’s staring out of the window quietly humming to the song on the radio. While John B and Sarah chat quietly. I feel the familiar swoosh run through me, so I cross my legs, and suck in a shaky breath. His smile turns wolfish, as his eyes travel up my legs. I notice him shift just a fraction of an inch, and my eyes travel down his body. He’s turned on too, I can tell by the way his hand is clutching tightly onto the seat cushion. I try not to stare at the bulge in his pants, that would be too obvious. But I do glance down, and it only makes the desire swimming inside of me grow. I quickly look away, fighting the incessant urge to climb onto his lap and kiss that stupid grin off his face.  
…  
I’m sitting cross-legged in the sand, with a warm beer in my hand. Sarah is giggling loudly as John B whispers in her ear, no doubt something disgustingly romantic. I take another sip of the beer, the liquid tart on my tongue. I let my eyes scan over the crowded beach, taking in the loud teenagers dancing wildly. My eyes land on Pope, who’s talking with Sabrina, a wide smile on his face. She had her blonde hair up in a tight ponytail, and she was wearing a bubblegum pink mini dress. She reminded me of Ariana Grande. I couldn’t help the disdain I felt when I looked at her, but Popes smile kind of helped simmer it. I wanted him to be happy, and I hope she’s being genuine. I feel someone sit down beside me, and I already know it’s JJ. His familiar scent of sunscreen, the ocean, and a little bit of weed wafts around me.  
“Shouldn't you be flirting with the Touron’s?” I ask a smile on my lips.  
“Flirting tends to give the wrong idea” he responded, and I sighed against my beer bottle. “You know what I mean Kie” He adds  
“Do I?” I ask turning to him. His eyes are still dark and filled with lust, which makes a shiver run down my spine.  
“You do” He nods, and I let out another long sigh.  
“What is wrong with me?” I ask myself, and he lets out a low laugh.  
“When you’re good you’re good” He grins and I shove him lightly with my shoulder. “You know it confuses me too,” He says, and my eyebrows knit together.  
“Should I be offended?” I ask, and he shakes his head.  
“Not that you’re as good as you are” He reiterates, his eyes back on mine. The comment makes me blush, so I sip my drink for a distraction. “It’s confusing that..” He pauses again, a blush now on his cheeks. “It’s weird how good we are together” he points between us. “Like this might sound stupid but I can’t... I can’t get enough, and it’s just..” He’s rambling nervously now, and I can’t help but smile.  
“I get it, not that your ego needs any compliments but I can’t get enough either” I whisper, and his grin widens immensely.  
“Why?” He asks “I mean why do you think it’s like this?” He questions, I shake my head.  
“I’ve been asking myself that, and I don't know. Maybe we’re just that good, or teenaged hormones” I laugh, and he nods smiling.  
“I need advice” Pope comes scrambling by, his eyes wide and panicked.  
“What?” JJ asks, looking up at him. Pope scratches the back of his neck while he fixes the hat on his head.  
“Sabrina wants me to go home with her, she says her parents are out of town” he exclaims quietly, my eyes widen now too.  
“Shit” JJ quips, and Pope nods. “Do you want to?” He asks. Pope’s eyes move to mine and I can’t really describe the look on his face.  
“Should I?” He asks me now, and I look at him confused now.  
“I don't know, it’s a big deal” I reply “If you think you’re ready” I shrug, and he sighs loudly.  
“I don’t know” He stammers cheeks tinting pink.  
“Maybe wait,” I say, and he nods  
“Or don't” JJ adds in, and I glare at him.  
“You two suck” He glares before rushing back to a waiting Sabrina. We both watch intently as Pope explains something to her. Her wide smile drops, and I know for sure he said he couldn’t. She looks over his shoulder, her eyes locking with mine. I freeze, but she glares directly at me. She probably thinks I told him not to because of all the shit she pulled. Finally, she looks away back at Pope, a softer smile on her face now. She touches his shoulder gently, and responds, he nods along.  
“She hates you,” JJ says, and I nod in agreement. She leans in placing a gentle kiss to Pope’s cheek before sauntering off. Pope stands there, his arms hanging by his sides, and I can see the regret in his stiff body. He turns back, his eyes landing on us, and he shrugs.  
“There’s always next time” JJ pats him on the shoulder when he plops down beside him.  
“With my luck, she won’t want me after tonight” Pope quips  
“Well fuck her then because she’d be lucky to have you” I smile at him, he looks dubiously at me but I smile harder making him chuckle lightly.  
“John B” Sarah giggles running past us with John B chasing after her.  
“They need to stop” Pope comments and all of us laugh loudly.  
“They're in love” I defend even though It was slightly cringe-worthy.  
“It’s too much” Pope retorts  
“I agree” JJ nods, and I sigh “Come on Kie you totally find it annoying too” JJ nudges me a smile on his face.  
“She does” Pope agrees which makes me laugh. As if on cue John B and Sarah come rushing back laughing loudly as John B swings Sarah around in a circle.  
“Fine” I relent, making the boys chuckle lowly.  
…  
“Home” Sarah hiccups as she tries to scramble out of the van, luckily John B is holding her.  
“I’ll pick up the Van tomorrow Kie,” John B says as he helps Sarah out of the van  
“Kay, make sure she takes Advil” I advise, knowing how terrible her hangovers get, he nods. I wait till the pairs inside, which takes longer because of how many times Sarah stumbles, or wobbles.  
“You not going?” Pope asks JJ who’s still in the van.  
“No, they tend to be loud” JJ explains, his eyes brows scrunched up in disgust.  
“Ugh,” Pope says sitting back in his seat. “I’d let you stay but Dad’s waking me up at the crack of dawn to help him with work” Pope sighs dramatically  
“It’s okay, I’ll go home” JJ assures, but I can hear the tension in his voice. His voice always gets really stiff, and tight when he brings up his house or his dad.  
“You can crash at mine, my mom and dad are out at a conference for small restaurant owners,” I say, pulling out of the driveway.  
“They have those?” Pope asks, his tone ambiguous.  
“Ya, they almost forced me to go” I state, making both of them laugh. “Shut up” I groan.  
“You sure you can resist me Kie?” JJ asks, his usual fuck-boy smile. This joke doesn’t make Pope flinch, JJ’s always been super flirty with me. He’s flirty with everything that has boobs, except Sarah because of obvious reasons.  
“I don’t know it’ll be hard” My sarcasm heavy, he chuckles. “I guess you can sleep outside to stop the temptation” I smile widely, Pope laughs. We drop off Pope, who asks us to drop him off at the end of the street because his parents will hear the van.  
“You okay with me staying over?” He asks once Pope’s out of eyeshot.  
“I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t” I exclaim. “Plus it’d be beneficial for me” I smirk, and he laughs lowly. He doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride, and I can tell he has something on his mind. I finally ask him what’s wrong when we’re parked in the driveway.  
“I haven’t been home in a month,” He says, his gaze still turned out towards my house.  
“Do you want to go back?” I ask. His fingers move up and down his thighs, a nervous tick of his.  
“I don't, but..” He pauses, obviously hesitant. “I feel guilty” He turns to me, his eyes dazed. I wait for him to explain. He bites down on his lower lip, another nervous habit of his. “It’s like I feel obligated to take care of him, and I haven’t seen him in a month” he finally says, his voice wobbling slightly. I shift and let my hand fall on top of his flinching one.  
“He should be taking care of you JJ, and I know I’ll never be able to understand your complicated relationship, or how you feel, but I do know you deserve better. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to worry about any of this.” I exclaim, hoping some of it resonates inside his head. He flips his hand under mine, and intertwines our fingers, squeezing lightly.  
“Thank you” He mumbles quietly, his eyes glued to our joined hands  
“You don't have to thank me, I’m not doing you a favor I’m telling you the truth” I respond. He looks up now, his eyes bright. His eyes travel over me, and I feel myself shiver. Then he’s pulling me into a hungry kiss, that makes my whole body tingle. I cutch his shoulders desperately, as his arms circle my waist.  
“We should go inside” I break away breathing hard.  
“I thought I had to sleep outside,” he remarks, his breath fanning against my lips.  
“Well you still could” I smile “but I think we’d both regret that” I whisper against his lips. He lets out a soft sigh before he quickly opens the door, and hops out.


	6. The Rush

I wake up to soft snores floating around me, and an arm thrown around my waist casually. Memories of last night with JJ float back in, and I smile, stretching out my stiff legs. I felt soar, but it wasn’t painful, more like a stiffness in my bones. I can feel JJ’s chest again my back, and I can feel his soft snores against my neck. His skin was soft against mine, and the ache in my legs made me push back into him. I let my hand run-down his arm, scraping my nails lightly along. He moans lightly, tightening his arm around me, pulling me flush against his chest.   
“JJ” I state, continuing to run my fingers up and down his arm. He grunts in response, still very much asleep. “Hey, JJ,” I say again, this time pushing my butt into him more. I can hear his sharp intake of breath, and It makes me smile. His fingers stretch out before falling back onto my stomach. I crane my neck, trying to see if his eyes are open, their not. I decided I didn’t want to wait, so I spun in his arms facing his direction. He sighed, but his eyes remained shut. “JJ” I whisper my lips lightly against his. “You know I’m not patient” I add, my hand trailing down his chest, his eyes finally open. He blinked a couple of times before his eyes settled on mine.   
“God, woman again?” He asks, his voice hoarse with sleep I shift us both so that I’m now straddling his lap.   
“What can I say” I shrug, pushing my curls behind my shoulders. His eyes are bright now, and he licks his lips lightly. I rake my nails up and down his chest, grinding down into him.   
“Kie” He stutters, his voice so low it vibrates through me. I shut my eyes, smiling as I arch further into him. “Fuck, Kie,” He says again, his hands moving to my hips, to still my slow movements. I drop my gaze down to him, confused. His eyes travel slowly over me, like he’s devouring every inch of my naked body. His hands move up my sides, teasingly slow. I wiggle involuntarily, and he grins biting down on his bottom lip. The sight sends heat straight to my core, making me let out an airy moan.   
“JJ” I sigh his name, my skin on fire. His fingers move over my nipples, and I arch into his grip sighing contently.   
“What do you want?” He asks, his voice shot through me like an arrow. I let my gaze fall back down to him, a small smile on my face. His grin drops, slightly, a more possessive look taking over. He then flips us, so quickly it makes me slightly disoriented. His lips are on mine in an urgent kiss, his hands still roaming over me, teasing me. His lips travel to my neck, probably leaving blooming spots across my skin, but I couldn’t find it in me to care. I was too engrossed in the pleasure swimming through me, with JJ on top of me.   
…  
“Is that a hickey?” Sarah squeals, her voice loud. I instantly cover my neck, and her eyes widen a smile growing on her face.   
“No” I shake my head, she claps her hands together and I can feel my cheeks burning.   
“It’s a hickey” She points to my covered neck, and I shake my head again. She turns to John B and Pope “It is right?” She asks them, and I can see Pope's cheeks turn pink. Fuck, I forgot to cover the bright hickey on my neck this morning. Thankfully JJ is at work otherwise I’d be tempted to glare at him.   
“Let me see?” John B steps forward, I shove him with my foot, and he laughs.   
“Kie, details now” She urges, and I groan loudly.   
“It’s a burn” I try, and she squints her eyes at me. I sigh uncovering my neck, her eyes widen even more.   
“Woah, who’s the vacuum” She chuckles, and I feel my cheeks heat. I feel blood whoosh through my veins and my breath quickens. I didn't know what to say.   
“Ethan” I blurt, and she freezes   
“Ethan?” She asks, I nod feeling beyond stupid. “I knew you liked him” She squeals, I sigh   
“It’s just a hookup thing” I mumble, feeling even more mortified.   
“Oh, well that’s still something” She laughs “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asks, her smile falling.   
“I didn’t want these bozos to know, and I know you suck at keeping secrets” I lie, hoping she buys it.   
“I don’t” She pouts   
“You tell me everything Sarah” John B affirms, and she huffs, but her smile grows.   
“Fine whatever” She sighs “I need details” She adds quickly, I take a sip of my drink to bye myself some time. What the fuck was I suppose to tell her, fuck!   
“It’s not a big deal, we’re just hooking up” I murmur quietly, she sighs.   
“Is he good in bed?” She asks, I blush remembering this morning vividly. “He is” She squeals happily noticing my flush. “I knew it” She giggles   
“Sarah, I’m right here” John B quips, and she laughs harder   
“Don’t worry babe” She beams at him, he sighs but smiles back at her. I pull my hair up into a bun, as Sarah gives me that go on look.   
“It’s really nothing,” I say, she huffs loudly.   
“Fine, but you should invite him to hangout you know” She nudges me, I shake my head.   
“No” I stammer, she laughs   
“How long has this been going on?” Pope asks this question, his eyes on the ground.   
“Since that beach party” I reply, he nods, still looking at the ground.   
“Was it your idea?” He looks up now, a curious look on his face. I’m surprised he’s asking any questions, he’s usually the most unbothered.   
“It was mutual” I answer him  
“So his then” He murmurs quietly   
“No, I’m not looking for any relationship, plus we wouldn’t work as more” I blurt suddenly defensive, he nods.   
“Why wouldn’t you work?” Sarah interjects, I blow out a loud breathe.   
“We just wouldn’t” I exclaim, she doesn’t look convinced but she doesn’t push the subject. What was I going to do if we ran into Ethan at any party? I’m sure one of them would bring it up, and then they’d all know I was lying. I sip my drink, feeling panic rush through me.   
…  
I grab JJ’s arm pulling him behind the tree, blocking us from everyone sitting a couple meters away.   
“What the fuck?” He winces pulling his hand back. I notice a look of pain pass over his face.   
“Shit sorry, did I pull too hard?” I whisper, worry rushing through me. I go to grab his arm to see, but he shakes his head.   
“No, I’m just sore from work” He smiles lightly, shaking off my worried look.   
“Sorry” I mutter, he shrugs, pushing me back against the tree to capture my lips.   
“You have no patience Kie” He whispers against my lips, making me shiver slightly.   
“It’s not about that” I stammer, even though my mind was quick to fog over with lust. He pulls back, his face stony and hard.   
“What’s wrong?” He asks stepping away from me, I instantly miss his warmth against me. I shake off the weird realization and stand up straighter.   
“Sarah saw this hickey” I point to my neck. His eyes travel down my face landing on the bright spot on my neck. He grins reaching out to touch the spot with his finger, lightly. It felt weirdly good, that mixed with the way he was looking at me set my skin on fire. “It’s not a good thing” I cough, moving away from his touch.   
“What did you say?” He asks, dropping his hand to his side.   
“I told her Ethan and I are hooking up” I explain, his eyes widen.   
“Ethan?” He asks, I nod. “Why Ethan?” He questions and I sigh.   
“Because he’s the only guy I could think of that would make sense” I whisper yell, he sighs running his fingers through his messy hair.   
“Fine whatever” he mutters annoyed, I tilt my head inspecting his hard features. He was annoyed, really annoyed. I couldn’t help but think that he seemed slightly jealous, but I quickly shove the thought out of my head.   
“The problem is that we could run into him, and Sarah with definitely ask and then they’ll know” I explain, the words rushing out of me. He nods, his eyes drifting towards the ground.   
“You could talk to him?” He suggests, and I look at him incredulously.   
“What?” I huff, he sighs stepping closer to me.   
“Tell him you lied and you need him to cover you, I’m sure he will” he explains quietly, his warm breath fanning against my lips.   
“That’s mortifying” I respond, he rolls his eyes.   
“What other option do we have?” He remarks sarcastically.   
“Well you could start by not leaving these all over my neck” I bark, he doesn’t seem phased, his grin only widens.   
“You weren’t complaining then” he whispers, and I glare   
“I was distracted, and that’s not the point” I state, my voice hard.   
“I know you like the hickeys Kie” he blustered, and my eyes widen.   
“Fuck off” I spit out   
“I know you like them because I know when you look at them you think of me on top of you” He steps closer, his eyes dark. My stomach clenches tightly at his words, but I keep my face straight and hard. “I think you also secretly like that I’m marking you, telling everyone that sees it what you’ve been up to” His mouth is against my ear, and I want so badly to smash out lips together, but the smugness in his voice helps me refrain.   
“I think you like seeing them on me JJ” I retort, my voice low. My back is now against the tree, and he shifts so now is eyes are back on mine. “The hickey reminds you that you were the one who made me scream out, it makes you think of me under you, and you inside of me” I grin, my heart hammering in my chest. His jaw drops slightly, his eyes foggy and dazed. I lean in closer my lips almost against his. “Or maybe that’s still me” I smile before pushing past him, heading back to the group.   
“Sorry, my dad called,” I say plopping down next to Sarah, who nods. After a couple of minutes, JJ walks in, his signature easy smile in place.   
…  
I was sitting at the coffee shop, my leg bouncing wildly up and down. I shift in the hard wooden chair, sighing loudly while my eyes drifted around the cafe. Finally, Ethan comes rushing in a toothy smile on his face. I wave him over.   
“Hey I ordered you an espresso” I smile as he sits down  
“Thank you, I need it” He laughs placing his bag down on the ground beside his chair. “So I finished the flyer, and with your design, it looks amazing” He exclaims, I nod enthusiastically. He pulls out his laptop, opening it before he turns it in my direction. The flyer is bright and has lots of animated fish scattered across it.   
“I love it” I smile, he grins. The waiter places our drinks down, Ethan smiles politely up at him.   
“This is really cool E” I exclaim my eyes travel over it again  
“Thank you, I really appreciate all your help” He responded, I shut the laptop and nods. “So what did you need to talk about?” He asks leaning back into his chair while taking a small sip of his espresso. I shift in my seat, feeling embarrassment coat my insides. He looked at me gently, a small smile on his kind face.   
“I kind of have a favor” I start  
“Sure, anything” He leans forward his elbows on the small table. I smile back at him.   
“So I’ve been kind of…” I freeze, the words stuck in my throat. Why was this so hard to say? “I’ve been kind of hooking up with someone and not telling my friends” I finally blurt, he sort of stills, his smile kind of stiff now. “And well they saw this hickey on my neck and I blurted that it was you” I finished quickly, feeling the immense heat in my cheeks. He just stares at me, his whole face confused.   
“Why?” He asks, and I let out an airy laugh   
“I don’t want them to know who it really is” I reply, he nods.   
“Why?” He asks again   
“Well if I tell you, you can’t say anything” I mumble, he nods. “It’s JJ, and if they knew it’d be really weird and awkward and they wouldn’t understand that it’s just a sex thing” I rush out.   
“So you’re hooking up with one of your friends and your other friends found a hickey on your neck so you panicked and said my name and now you need me to fake it if they ask?” He clarifies.   
“Yes, and I know it’s a lot to ask and it sounds very stupid but” I sigh shrinking in my seat.   
“Sure” He agrees, and my eyes widen.   
“Seriously?” I ask, he chuckles lightly.   
“It’s not a big deal” He shrugs, and I stare completely confused.   
“You're too nice” I confirm, he laughs   
“It's seriously not a big deal, you’re my friend” He explains and I smile.   
“Thank you” I reach for his hand, he shrugs.  
…  
“He was fine with it?” JJ confirms, his tone was doubtful.   
“Ya, he told me it wasn’t a big deal” I explain my hand still gripping the end of his t-shirt. We were in my room making out when JJ stopped me to ask about Ethan.   
“Kinda weird,” he says, and I sigh  
“JJ, he’s a friend” I exclaim, annoyed that his lips weren’t on mine. He nods but he still looks concerned. “He wasn’t even a little annoyed?” He asks, and I groan.   
“No, now do you want to sit here talking about Ethan, or do you want me to get naked?” I asked tilting my head, he grins leaning forward to capture my lips. I’m about to tear his shirt off when he pulls away a panicked look on his face.   
“What?” I ask breathing hard. He winces slightly, and I freeze. “What hurts?” I ask, he grimaces again his cheeks pink. I move to lift his shirt slowly, and I can feel him tense up slightly. He has a bright bruise blooming on his ribs.   
“What the fuck?” I gasp, my eyes trailing over his chest.   
“It was an accident at work” He explains, but his voice sounded too high.   
“JJ” I breath looking back at him. His eyes are hard, and he shrugs.   
“I’m okay” He insists, and I feel a twinge in my chest. “It’s just a bit sore” he adds when he notices I’m unconvinced.   
“What really happened?” I ask, looking back down at the bruise.   
“Kie” He warns, and I know he doesn’t want to say it. I feel sick now, and I slowly pull his shirt back down. “I’m okay” He insists, but I don't believe him. I can see the hurt in his eyes, it makes me shiver. I lift my hand to graze his cheek lightly, he flinches slightly, not expecting it. I bring his lips slowly to mine, pecking his lips very lightly. I move my hand around his neck, pulling him into me, while I wrap both my arms around his neck.   
“I’m sorry” I whisper against his lips, his gaze is unbearably soft now. I trail my hand up the base of his neck into his hair, he closes his eyes leaning into my touch. I peck his lips again before moving down to his jaw. I hear him suck in a shaky breath and it urges me on.   
“I’m sorry” I repeat as I move my lips down to his neck, sucking lightly on his soft skin, he moans. He shifts, moving so he’s now laying back on my bed, with me hovering over top of him. His eyes are open again, and he has a gentle smile on his face. I sit up, my hands moving to the hem of his shirt. He stills clearly uncomfortable.   
“Can I?” I ask gently, he seems surprised, but he nods. I peel his shirt up, he shifts so I can pull it all the way up. I throw it behind me sitting back up, my knees on either side of him. I look down at his chest, my eyes grazing the deep purple bruise. I let my finger trail around it slowly, tracing it with a feather-light touch. I felt a dark knot form in my stomach at the thought of how this happened. I lean down placing a light kiss across the bruise. Goosebumps break out onto his skin, and I look up at him with a soft smile. He looks back at me with a straight face, but there’s something in his eyes that makes my throat feel tight. I still my motions on his chest and lean forward pressing my lips softly against his. He deepens it, but it doesn’t feel frenzied or rushed like usual, it’s deeper and slower. I can feel this kiss in my legs, and arms, it’s like he’s kissing all of me at once. I shiver and arch into him. He breaks away slowly, our breaths mixing. My heart hammered in my chest and I suddenly felt nervous and jittery. That look is back in his eyes, and it makes my heart squeeze, and my throat constrict. I’d never seen him look at me like that before, and I didn't understand what it meant. So instead of letting it consume me, I capture his lips again, sloppily. I didn’t want to think if his eyes on me, and I definitely didn’t want to think of how hard my heart was beating, or how loud the rush of blood was in my veins.


	7. Beautiful

“Can you please, please bring Ethan to my party tonight?” Sarah begs for the fifth time today, I glare lightly at her. “Please Kie, I promise not to pry I just want to see you guys together” She begs again  
“Why it’s not like we’re dating” I huff, my gaze drifting over to JJ who’s staring between us. The beer bottle in his hand is resting against his lips, his eyes hard.  
“Ya, but if you’re having sex with him I want to get to know him” She nudges me a goofy grin on her face.  
“What if I told you it was just a once time thing?” I blurt, and she tilts her head clearly not buying it.  
“Not with all these hickeys on your neck Kie” She points out, and I cover my neck instinctively. “See Kie, now just bring Ethan okay” She exclaims. I notice JJ’s satisfied smirk and it makes me blush. Lately, I’ve been kind of nervous around him, ever since that weird look he gave me a couple nights ago. I shift in my seat, as his eyes travel slowly over me. He locks eyes with me now, a smug smirk stuck on his face. He knew I was squirmy, and he liked it.  
“Fine, I’ll bring him” I agree smiling brightly back at JJ, who’s smile drops slightly.  
“Yay” Sarah cheers, leaning back in her chair happily.  
“Actually I’ll go call him now” I stand feeling JJ’s stare become heated again, I needed some air away from him.  
“Get it bitch” She slaps my butt as I turn away from her, making me chuckle lightly. I walk inside of the chateau, sighing quietly to myself. I felt flustered and I hated it, why was I being so weird. That look in JJ’s eyes burns behind my eyes again, making my heart stammer in my chest. It was confusing and disorienting, to say the least. I leaned against the counter shutting my eyes. That night was so different from our usual hook-ups, it was slower for once. We weren’t rushing for out release, it was like we were prolonging it. I bite down on my lip as a rush of heat courses through me. His movements, usually frantic and rough which I like were slow and deep which I liked just as much, maybe more. The most confusing part was that I count to keep my eyes off of him, it was like they were locked on each other the whole time, which is so completely.. bizarre, weird, off-putting. Except it wasn’t off-putting it made it better, and that just fucked with me more. I’ve been avoiding him ever since, avoiding every advance with a stupid excuse. It wants because I didn't want to anymore it was because I wanted to even more if that was possible.  
“I thought you were calling Ethan?” I hear JJ’s voice and turn quickly. He’s against the screen door, his eyes amused like always.  
“I was just about to” I reply, my voice squeaky even to my own ears. He steps closer to me, and I step back feeling my heart race. He quirks an eyebrow at me, his smile slipping slightly.  
“You okay?” He asks, the teasing out of his voice. I shift against the counter, and nods simply. I could smell his familiar scent, and it was starting to make me dizzy.  
“Just hot” I add, wiping my sweaty hands on my shorts, he nods. He steps closer again, and I’m already as far back as I can get, so I just stand there. He saw my tense stance and stopped a worried look on his face.  
“You’ve been avoiding me right?” He asks, I shake my head immediately  
“No, I’ve been busy” I respond, hoping he buys it.  
“Kie” He sounds upset and it makes guilt swarm my body. I didn't want him to think I was blowing him off.  
“I promise” I add taking a tiny step forward, he notices and nods.  
“So then, tonight?” His smile back, and it makes the blood in my veins gush quickly.  
“Um…” I stammer, feeling the flush in my cheeks. “Sure, maybe” I stammer, and he nods his face stiff. “I should call Ethan,” I say, and his smile falls, a hard look replacing it.  
“Sure,” He says and quickly rushes back outside with the others. I wanted to pull him back and kiss him until he understands I’m not blowing him off but I don’t. The chaos in my head was too loud and consuming.  
…  
Sarah’s place was packed with sweaty teenagers grinding and drinking. Usually, I’d be dancing wildly on the dance-floor, but tonight all I wanted was to sit in a corner and drink. I felt confused and annoyed at myself so it seemed like the best option. I sip on my beer, sighing loudly to myself. I had my eyes glued to JJ who was being gawked at by a group of girls. He was nodding along as one of the girls spoke quietly to him, waving her hands around for emphasis. Heat worked its way through my veins, and it wasn’t the good kind either, it was gross and made me feel nauseated. I down the rest of my beer, before standing to grab another, or maybe something stronger. I’m pouring myself a drink when I feel someone tap me lightly on the shoulder. I crane my neck, still pouring the vodka in my cup, it’s Ethan.  
“Hey” he smiles brightly. He’s wearing a simple white tee and jeans with a pair of rounded reading glasses perched on his nose.  
“Hey” I smile back. “Want a drink?” I ask  
“No, the designated driver” he laughs, I nod sipping my very strong drink. “You okay?” He asks, this time closer to my ear.  
“Fine” I retort, lifting my drink, he nods. My eyes find JJ and the girls again, this time the girl is sitting so close to him, she’s basically on his lap. The heat was back, and this time it burnt a little.  
“Want to dance?” I ask Ethan before downing the rest of the liquid in my cup.  
“Sure” He agrees. I take his hand in my pulling him into the only small gap from other people dancing. The beat of the music thumped through me mixing well with the alcohol in me. I wrap his arms around me from behind, so my back is against his chest. I start swaying lightly to the music, the alcohol starting to loosen my limbs up slightly. Ethan's hands were on my hips as I swayed from left to right, moving my hands up into my hair. The heat from earlier has lessened, turning into a soft warmth coating my insides. I thank the alcohol. I shut my eyes, leaning back into Ethan’s soft embrace. Ethan’s arms tightened around me, holding me steady against him. I could feel the steady thrum of my heartbeat in my cheeks, making my head fog slightly. Ethan leaned into me, and I could feel his chin touch my shoulder, moving to the crook of my neck. JJ’s face burned in my head, the impossible look in his eyes. Suddenly the arms around me felt too soft, they were wrong. The smell that surrounded me was some spicy cologne, not the sea breeze, and musk I wanted. Everything felt wrong, and the thought made my heart stutter and spurt in my chest. I wanted JJ’s strong arms to wrap around me, his calloused palms to rub against my skin, warm and strong. I wanted his lips on my neck and his scent around me. I still my movements, and open my eyes hoping to feel steadier. My eyes immediately land on JJ’s, but he’s not stuck in conversation with the Touron’s he’s staring back. His eyes are glued to me, a sharp, hurt look in his eye. I freeze and feel the breath leave my body. He was watching me dance with Ethan, watching me sway against him, in retaliation if I’m being honest with myself. His eyes moved down to Ethan's hands on my hips, and I think I saw him wince, but it could have been my eyes playing tricks on me. I pulled away from Ethan so quickly it made me stumble, but I quickly catch myself.  
“Kie?” Ethan asks, and I feel panic wash over me. I was using him, and the thought made me sick to my stomach.  
“Sorry” I stutter, but he shakes his head  
“For?” He asks, his smile bright.  
“I’m sorry Ethan, I just have to um go get some water” I point behind me  
“I’ll come with,” He says and I shake my head.  
“No, dance some more I’ll be right back” I smile, and he nods. I turn back, and JJ’s gone, the group of girls looking perturbed. I rush towards them, needing to talk to JJ. “Hey, did you guys see where JJ went?” I ask, my voice slurring slightly. The girls look me up and down, a sour look on their faces. “I need to talk to him” I add  
“He went to get another drink,” The redhead said, her smile small, I smile back.  
“Thanks” I nod rushing off to the drink table. I spot him right away, he’s grabbing another beer from the mini-fridge.  
“JJ” I rush out, he doesn’t turn, and I move so I’m now in front of him. “JJ,” I say again, he looks up at me and nods in acknowledgment. “Can we talk?” I ask, he shrugs.  
“What’s up?” He asks, the hard mask back on his face. I take his hand and pull him past the drink towards a small empty clearing closer to the water. “Kie” he sounds annoyed.  
“I’m sorry” I blurt, and he just stares unmoved. “I’m sorry I’ve been weird” I add, and he nods. “It’s fine Kie, honestly,” He remarks stiffly.  
“You’re mad,” I say, and he shakes his head. “Come on JJ just admit it” I say, and, he sighs, his indifference morphing into slight anger.  
“I’m mad because you said we’d be honest with each other, right?” He states, and I nod “So if you’re over this Kie be honest about it don't avoid me” He exclaims and my heart squeezes in my chest. “If you want to be with Ethan now that’s fine remember this was just an agreement, but you need to grow up and actually tell me” He continues, and I nod.  
“You’re right,” I say, and his anger slips slightly. “Okay” he nods  
“About me avoiding you and not being honest,” I say, and he nods again stiffly. “But I don't want to be with Ethan, and I don't want to stop with agreement either,” I say, and he looks confused.  
“Then what the fuck Kie?” He asks hesitantly.  
“I don't know okay, I just got a little weird okay, and that Ethan thing well it was just cause I was drunk and I saw you talking to those girls” I explain, the words slipping out, he smiles and I sigh. “Don’t” I urge, but a chuckle escapes his lips.  
“You were jealous?” He asks and I shake my head.  
“Was not, I was horny and you were busy” I shrug, and his grin widens.  
“You were so jealous” He exclaims and I shove him.  
“I wasn’t” I repeat, he chuckles.  
“Agree to disagree” He nods, and I roll my eyes. “But why have you been weird and avoiding me?” He asks. I wrap my arms around myself and shrug. There was no way that I was telling him about the weird possibly delusional thoughts I was having.  
“I don't know honestly” I reply, he nods.  
“Kie, it’s okay to like having sex with me you know” his grin back, I sigh loudly. “I’m serious, if you think it’s too much or you’re too horny for me, don’t” He explains stepping forward, his hands grabbing my hips and pulling me flush against him. “Because It’s the same for me” he whispers, his lips millimeters away from mine. I nod, my throat feeling too tight to reply verbally. His finger reaches out, tucking a loose curl behind my ear slowly, it makes my skin burn where his finger trials.  
“So you’re saying, you want me to release all of my sexual needs on you?” I ask, feeling confident again.  
“Yes” He nods, and I smile moving my hands to hang loosely over his shoulders.  
“You’re in for a ride Maybank” I exclaim, and he chuckles lowly against my lips.  
“Here’s to hoping Carrera” he grins, and my skin flushes. I finally close the distance between us, melting into him. His lips are warm, and I can taste the alcohol on his lips. I moan into the kiss, and he runs his hand through my hair, pulling slightly.  
“Fuck” I break away, my skin on fire.  
“That’s what I’m hoping to do,” He says, and I can’t help the airy laugh that leaves my lips. I pull back enough so I can see his face, his eyes soft and filled with amusement. I let my finger fall to his lips, tracing the outline of them, he stills. I trail my finger down, his bottom lip catching and dragging downwards. That look his back in his eyes, and instead of running, I embrace it, letting it weave its way through me. I shift forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his bottom lip, and then his cheek.  
“We should head back before people notice,” I say, even though all I really want is for him to push me against this tree, and do unspeakable things to me. He nods pulling away, but I hold onto him, pulling him back against me. “I’m staying here tonight, make an excuse to stay, act drunk or something” I explain quickly, he nods. I crash his lips again mine again, relishing in the small groan he lets out. We both head back separately, and I find Ethan waiting by the drink table.  
“Hey,” I say, he turns and smiles. “Sorry, Sarah had a thing” I lie, and he nods. He doesn’t seem to notice my swollen lips or my suddenly mused hair, which I’m grateful for.  
…  
I’m laying in partial darkness in Sarah’s spare bedroom, a small light shining out from the bathroom. I was waiting for JJ who said he’s sneak in after Pope fell asleep. I shift on my side, pulling the blanket up, on my naked body. The tingle was still dancing through me from earlier. I hear light footsteps, and I sit up facing the door. The door opened slowly, and the first thing I saw was the outline of JJ’s messy hair. He shut the door quietly behind him, and my heart rate sped up.  
“Hey” He whispers, his voice hoarse “Sorry, Pope was talking to me about a lot of shit before he finally passed out” He explains, moving towards the bed.  
“It’s okay” I reply, feeling nervous again. He moves slowly up my body, and I sunk back down into the bed. He pulls the blanket back, and a chill breeze washes over my naked body. His eyes travel down me, a small smile on his face.  
“Impatient again?” He asks, the words sending heat straight to my core.  
“I want what I want” I shift up on my elbows, a smirk growing on my face. He places a soft kiss just above my breast, heat spreads over the spot.  
“I’ve been wanting to do this all night,” He says moving his lips lightly across my clavicle. I arch into him automatically. I fall back and he moves up, kissing along my jaw slowly.  
“Fuck, JJ” I moan as he sucks lightly, making my head fog over. I let my hands roam under his shirt, scraping my nails along his soft skin. He finally captures my lips in a burning kiss, the mind you feel all over your body. I grip him tighter pulling him flush against me.  
“Kie” He moans against my lips, urging me on. “Wait” he pulls back slightly, I let out a shaky breath.  
“What?” I breathe out, he licks his lips, a soft look on his face.  
“I want to look at you” He states so simply, it makes my heart sputter.  
“What?” I ask again, my voice shaky. He leans up, pulling the blanket fully off of me now. He sits up, on his knees, his eyes falling over me.  
“I want to look at you,” He says again, his eyes swirled with lust and something else I couldn’t pinpoint. He looked down at my body again, his eyes devouring me. I felt prickles erupt over my skin, and the sudden urge to hide. He was looking too intently, and I felt insecure. My hands fall to my chest quickly, feeling too seen. “You are a fucking masterpiece” He breathes, and my heart thuds loudly against my ribs.  
“I’m a masterpiece?” I ask, he leans down again, his eyes on mine.  
“You’re a fucking masterpiece” He nods. I’d never felt so beautiful, and the feeling scared me. I shift up, my heart beating too loudly in my ears.  
“I’m not” I shake my head, and he shakes his head back.  
“You are Kie, you’re so gorgeous that sometimes I don’t think you’re real” He shrugs, and the words sounded so sincere, and honest. I let out a small laugh, and he smiles widely at me. “You deserve to be worshiped, like actually worshiped” He exclaims, and I laugh again feeling bubbly. He captures my lips mid-laugh, and I melt into it quickly. “Don’t ever say you’re not a masterpiece” He whispers against my lips. I’m about to pull him into another bruising kiss, but he pulls back making me open my eyes. “Say it Kie” he urges, his voice steady and strong.  
“I’m a masterpiece,” I say, my word stronger than I expected. He always made me feel so strong and powerful. I had that unstable feeling deep inside of me again, the one that feels like it might explode every time he looks at me like that. His eyes were too soft, too beautiful it made my heart squeeze tightly in my chest. I flipped us, my confidence and neediness taking over. He grinned up at me, and it made me slightly dizzy. “Now fuck me” I order, a wicked smile taking over, he nods vigorously. I’d never felt so empowered in my life, it made a bubble of excitement pop inside of me. He grips my hips tightly, making me shiver before he crashed out lips together in a delicious kiss.


	8. Best I've Ever Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, the next one will be extra long!!  
> Just some filler, fluff.😊

My eyes flutter open, landing on JJ’s sleeping face. He was sound asleep, soft snores filtering out from his slightly agape mouth. His face was so close to mine I could feel his warm breath against my lips, while his arm was slung casually over my bare hip. I reach up, dropping my finger softly on his pouted lips, he doesn’t flinch, Affection wells inside of me, and I can’t resist the urge to shift forward and press my lips lightly against his. He grunts, surprised, against my lips making me giggle in response. He opened one of his eyes when I pull away.   
“God woman, I basically just felt asleep” He groans. His eyes are shut again, but an amused smile grow on his face. I shift so that my bare chest is flush against his, and my arms swing around his neck pulling him closer.   
“You promised to fulfill my every need Maybank” I retort, dropping down to peck the corner of his mouth lightly. His eyes spring open, and the heat pools out of them into me. He shifts, his arms circling my waist and pulling me on top of him swiftly. I let out an airy laugh, feeling dizzy with desire. He trails one of his fingers up my side, to my cheek, pushing the stray curl behind my shoulder, but it falls right back. I giggle again, blowing it away from my face, he chuckles along, it vibrates through me. He then takes the soft curl between his fingers, gently pulling it so that it straightens before he lets it go, springing back into shape. He repeats the motions, his eyes mesmerized by the movements. Emotion swells through me at the sight, and my throat tightens. With the curl in his fingers, he tilts upwards, waiting for me to meet his lips with mine, so I do. The kiss is soft and sweet, so unlike our usual feverish kisses. I sigh into the kiss, contently, which makes him deepen it, his hand moving to cup my cheek lightly.   
“Kie” I hear behind the locked door, we spring apart like opposing magnets, out eyes wide and frantic. “Kie, you up,” Sarah asks again, her voice muffled by the door.   
“Ya, sorry just gonna wash my face” I reply, shaking my head. JJ slips off the bed, his eyes moving quickly to find his discarded clothing.   
“Okay, breakfast is downstairs,” She says   
“Okay thanks” I reply, hoping my voice isn’t too shaky.   
“Also have you seen JJ?” She asks, and my eyes widen, while he looks completely bewildered.   
“No, I haven’t left my room” I lie, grabbing my shirt and shorts “Why he’s not downstairs?” I ask  
“No, Popes asleep on the couch, but JJ isn’t there,” She says “Probably snuck off to meet some Touron” She adds giggling, JJ’s grins in my direction, and I shove him lightly.   
“Ya probably” I agree, feeling my heart race inside my chest. I hear her retreating steps and my breathing starts to go back to normal.   
“Fuck!” I mumble quietly in case she’s still outside. “What do we do?” I ask, feeling frantic   
“You go down and I’ll come down like five minutes after, I’ll lie and say I passed out in the upstairs bathroom or something” He explains, I nod pulling my shirt over my head. JJ shoves his shorts on, and my eyes fall onto the fading bruise on his ribs. I step towards him, and his eyebrows knit together, confused. I bend down, inspecting the bruise, and letting my fingers trace it very lightly.   
“Does it still hurt?” I ask, noticing some of the purple around the edges has faded to a nasty yellow color.   
“It’s just sore now” he responds, his tone resistant. I look up, and that soft look is back in his eyes. I stand quickly and nod, taking a tiny step back.   
“Good, just keep icing it,” I say, he nods, running his fingers through his freshly mused hair. “Also if me being on top is hurting you” I start, and he gives me a wolfish grin that makes my heart sputter.   
“Trust me Kie when you’re on top of me I’m not thinking about how much it hurts” He whispers roughly, and I nod swallowing a lump in my throat. I pull on my shorts, and quickly tie my messy hair up out of my face.   
“Okay, five minutes,” I say, he nods. I go to grab the door, but then JJ’s pulling me back to him. I stumble slightly, but his hands steady me.   
“We’re finishing this later,” He remarks, and I nod not trusting my voice. He grabs my chin lightly and pulls me in connecting our lips with a soft thud. He breaks away, and I think maybe he can hear how hard my heart is pounding, but he just gives me his signature smirk. I head downstairs on shaky legs, but I quickly shake it off when I step into the kitchen.   
“Morning” I smile, taking a seat at the counter. Sarah is flipping pancaked while John B grabs the plates and cutlery.   
“Morning” John B nods. I shift grabbing one of the glasses filled with orange juice, to quench my dry mouth.   
“So, I saw you last night” Sarah winks, and I freeze the glass halfway to my mouth.   
“What?” I ask, she chuckles, flipping a pancake.   
“With Ethan,” She explains “Dancing” She adds quickly, and I breathe a sigh of relief.   
“Ya,” I say before taking a chug of my drink.   
“Well it looked pretty, you know. Plus it was so public” She grins, and I sigh, placing my glass down with a soft clink.   
“It was just a dance,” I remark, still hating the fact that I danced like that with him.   
“Ya, ya” She waves me off, making John B chuckle. Pope stumbles in suddenly with a loud groan. He looks like shit, so I assume he drank last night.   
“Have fun?” I mock, and he shoves me before plopping down beside me. He grabs my orange juice and downs the glass quickly. “That was mine,” I say, but he only groans louder.   
“I’m hungover, and I do not get hungover” he moans leaning his lead on the cool granite countertop.   
“Well that happens when you do shots with Kooks” John B laughs handing him another glass filled with orange juice.   
“Fuck shots” he mumbles before he chugs the drink. That's when JJ decided to make his entrance, by also stumbling, while he pulls his shirt over his head.   
“Terrible morning,” He remarks, groaning lightly.   
“Where the fuck have you been?” John B asks his eyes traveling over him skeptically.   
“I passed out in the bathroom last night” He mumbles  
“But you were on the couch when I was there” Pope turns his head slowly before wincing.   
“Ya I had to take a leak and I guess passed out” He shrugs, grabbing a drink and a hot pancake from the plate.   
“I checked the bathroom,” John B says, his tone accusatory.   
“I was in the bathtub man” JJ responded expertly, with his mouth full. John B nods, but he still looks confused. Sarah hands him another pancake, which he takes with a wide toothy smile. He cranes his neck, his eyes passing me to meet Pope's closed ones.   
“Hungover Pope?” JJ asks, sounding excited “I’m witnessing hungover Pope” he adds chuckling, Pope groans and then winces.   
“Shut up” Pope whispers, and I chuckle lightly, placing my cool hand against his forehead. He was warm, heat radiated off of him.   
“You want a washcloth?” I ask gently   
“Please,” He asks, his tone muffled by his arm, I nod and stand heading to the washroom. I soak a small washcloth with cold water, and head back to the kitchen.   
“Dude that’s fucking huge” John B remarks as soon as I step in. I place the cold washcloth over Pope’s head, and he sighs in relief.   
“What’s huge?” I ask turning to the pair.   
“Look at his neck” John B laughs, and my eyes bug-out when they land on the big bright hickey I left on the left side of his neck.   
“Shit” I mumble, and he turns to me grinning.   
“What can I say man” He turns back to John B who’s still staring at it.   
“There’s like three” John B mumbles, and that’s when I spot two more trailing down onto his collarbone and shoulder.   
“Let me see,” Pope says standing and coming around to JJ.   
“That one is definitely a bite mark” Pope points to the one on his shoulder, and I blush. I did bite him last night, it was so I wouldn’t be too loud. “Shit man, how good were you?” Pope laughs pointing out the fourth one on the other side of his neck.   
“When you’re good, you’re good” JJ winks, and Sarah laughs looking at me with amused eyes, I nod.   
“So who was it?” John B asks, and I look away grabbing a pancake so I have something to do with my hands.   
“I don’t kiss and tell” JJ answers, sipping his drink.   
“Since when?” Pope shoves him, and JJ shrugs. “Was she embarrassed by you, and made you swear not to tell anyone?” Pope asks, and JJ shoves him but they both laugh.   
“None of your business” JJ shrugs, and John B gives him a confused look.   
“Since when?” He asks, and JJ shrugs again, staring down at his plate.   
“Did it hurts?” Sarah butts in, curiosity in her eyes.   
“No it didn't hurt, plus I was busy with other things ” JJ answers, and she makes a grossed out face to him.   
“Why biting?” She huffs sounding completely bewildered, I blush. JJ swipes his fingers across his plate picking maple syrup up, on his finger. He sucks his finger lightly and smiles mischievously. The sight sends heat straight to my core.   
“She’s loud and I’m good” He explains, a shiver runs through me.   
“Ugh” Sarah mumbles making me laugh lightly. JJ turns to me his eyes bright with amusement, I shove him but I”m smiling.   
“Was this the same girl you told us was the best you’ve ever had” Pope asks, and JJ turns away from me to him glaring. I turn towards them a wide smile on my face.   
“Best you’ve ever had?” I ask, and he turns to me, his cheeks pink.   
“Shut up” He states, and I let out a small laugh   
“What qualifies her as the best?” I ask, and he sighs.   
“He said she..” Pope starts, a grin on his face   
“Dude!” JJ interrupts, and Pope laughs   
“What it’s Kie?” Pope shrugs, and JJ sighs twisting his glass.   
“Ya, since when am I out of the loop?” I ask JJ a smirk on my face, he glares lightly, but I can see his small amused smile.  
…  
“No that’s bullshit” I exclaim before popping another chip into my mouth. Kyle chuckles and shakes his head at me, chucking the towel in his hand onto the tire.   
“I swear,” he says, his smile wide.   
“Stupid” I spit out and he shakes his head lightly. We were talking about some shit an asshole customer demanded for the detailing of his car. I spin around on the stool, while Kyle wipes down the tire rims. I came here right after work, thinking maybe JJ could use some food. He never brings lunch. Kyle’s the only person I know here besides JJ, and JJ was out back working on a broken motorcycle, that’s what Kyle told me anyway. So now I’m waiting for him to come in for a break.   
“Kie” I hear JJ’s voice, so I turn towards him, the stool squeaking.   
“Hey” I smile a chip in my hand. His hair is mused with dark grease stains, as well as his cheeks, It’s uncomfortably cute, to be honest. I get off the swivel stool while he stays frozen in place.   
“What are you doing here, is your car okay?” He asks, a worried look on his face.   
“It’s fine” I assure stepping forward. “I just got off work and thought I’d bring you some lunch” I move to grab the bag of food I brought. He tilts his head and the guy beside him pats him lightly on his shoulder a small smile on his face.   
“I’m Sam” he steps forward extending his hand after wiping it on his overalls.   
“Kie” I introduce shaking his hand and giving him a small smile.   
“Kie” he repeats his smile morphing into a smirk, I nod pulling my hand back. I turn back to JJ who’s still staring at me confused.   
“I had nothing better to do” I explain handing him the bag, he nods. “So entertain me Maybank” I smile, and his confused look grows into an amused smile. I turn back to Kyle, who is still wiping down the car.   
“Hey, you on break soon?” I ask him, he turns, his cheeks pink.   
“Not for another hour,” he remarks quietly, I nod.   
“Okay well then I’ll see you another time” I smile kindly at the young boy, he nods. He looks back at the car and I rustle through my bag to grab my phone.   
“Number?” I ask him, he turns back confused. “In case you need anything especially if you need my backup on another shitty customer” I smile, he chuckles, and stands up grabbing my outstretched phone. He hands it back quickly and I give him one last wave before turning back to JJ and Sam.   
“How do you know Kyle?” JJ asks as we make our way outside.   
“I met him last time I was here” I blush pushing my curls from my face.   
“When?” He asks   
“A couple of weeks ago” I look at him, he chuckles.   
“I meant when did you meet him? We were together the whole time” he shrugs and I blush again.   
“Just as I was leaving, he’s sweet,” I explain  
“Ya, he’s pretty smart too” JJ responds already ruffling through the bag. Sam turns into the workshop backroom while we continue outside to the picnic tables. We sit down at one of the wooden tables, across from each other.   
“Thanks for this” he points down at the bag, I nod, pulling out another handful of ruffle chips.   
“I thought after last night I should probably help you regain some energy” I grin, and he chuckles lightly. “You know being the best sex you’ve had” I add smirking and he sighs lightly, his eyes traveling over me.   
“You had to” be remarks making me laugh loudly.   
“I did” I shrug, and he nods.   
“Is it that much of a surprise?” He asks, and I blush.   
“You never said it to me!” I exclaim, he tilts his head and gives me a frustrated look.   
“I thought it was pretty self-explanatory” he responded, and I pause, making him chuckle lightly. “So..?” He asks biting into the sandwich.  
“So, what?” I ask pulling my legs under me on the bench. He gives another blank look, but I just shrug.   
“So, as in how do I compare” He drops his voice, and I flush.   
“I’ve only had sex with one other person” I whisper back, he chuckles.   
“Compare It to that then” He quips a wide amused smile on his face.   
“It was definitely better than that time JJ and you know that” I exclaim, he nods.   
“So then technically I’m the best sex you’ve ever had to” He points out, and I sigh, but I can’t help the smile that pops onto my face.   
“You're stupid,” I remark quietly, his smile widens.   
“Why is it so hard for you to compliment me Kie?” He asks, and I scoff.   
“First off you have a huge ego so, and second I compliment you enough” I wave him off, he takes another big bite of the sandwich. He looks at me with bright eyes, and I sigh loudly. “You’re actually gonna make me say it?” I huff, he shrugs as if he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. “You're annoying” I blurt.   
“But?” He urges and I roll my eyes.   
“You're also the best sex I’ve ever had” I mumble, and he chuckles loudly. “But you said it first and you’ve had sex with more people so” I smile widely, and he grins.   
“Doesn’t matter” He shakes his head, childlike.   
“Fuck you” I throw some chips his way  
“I’m sure you want to” he snips, and my jaw drops.   
“I’m never bringing you lunch again” I state, about to stand but he grabs my hand gently.   
“Kie, it’s a joke, shut up and sit down” he laughs, but his eyes are soft, remorseful. “Please” He adds, and I sit down triumphantly. “Half of my sandwich for chips” he offers lightly, a playful smile on his face. I take the half from his hands and pass him the half-eaten bag.   
“Don't know why I didn't just bring two” I mumble biting into the sandwich   
“Next time,” He says, the words bring an unexpected surge of happiness through me.


	9. Jealousy

I drag my surfboard behind me, the soreness in my arms making me wince. I drop next to a sunbathing Sarah, completely exhausted. My wet curls stick my cheeks, but I’m too tired to move them. My whole body is sore, and it’s not only from surfing.   
“Done already?” She asks, turning her squinted eyes to me. I sit up and suck in a long breathe.   
“Ya, didn't get much sleep last night” I explain, feeling the flush in my skin.   
“Why, is something wrong?” She asks concern lacing her words.   
“No, I’m fine” I smile leaning back on my palms, watching the boys cheer each other on. I’m surprised JJ isn’t as tired, adding the heavy lifting he does at work, he should be about ready to collapse. JJ paddles out, about to catch the upcoming wave. I watch as he duck dives under, I lean forward without noticing. He pops up and turns as the wave builds under him. I’ve always been mesmerized by him when he surfs, before it was jealously that he was genially the best surfer we knew, now it’s something else. After a couple more waves the boys paddle in, wide smiles on their faces. Sarah’s eyes are still shut as she lets the sun wash over her, baking her body. JJ rushes up shaking his hair so that water flies over Sarah and I. Sarah squeaks sitting in with a glare on her face.   
“Fuck you” She spits, making all of us chuckle.   
“I was cooling you off” He smiles before plopping down beside me in a huff. I twist my body grabbing my bag a couple feet away and dragging it towards me. I rummage through it trying to find my reef-safe sunscreen. It’s at the bottom under my towel and other miscellaneous items. I place it on JJ’s lap, and he looks at me confused.   
“Put it on dumb-ass” I explain, he sighs dramatically but squeezes some onto his hand. He hands it back and I pass it to Pope.   
“Mama-Kie” Pope laughs, I throw sand at him.   
“Sorry I care about you guys not looking like wrinkly old balls, and getting skin cancer” I retort, he laughs. He passes it to John B next while Sarah hands out drinks from the cooler.   
“Kie could you get my back?” JJ asks turning his back to me. I notice a thick layer of sunscreen that stops at his shoulder and chuckles lightly. His skin is warm and soft as I rub the excess down his back. I try not to get too distracted by the way his muscles tense under my hands.   
“All done,” I say, rubbing the cream on my hands up my arms and shoulders. I take the drink from Sarah and hand it down to JJ before she hands me another one. I shift and wince slightly as the muscle in my leg contracts.   
“You okay?” JJ asks noticing my stiffness.   
“Ya, just sore” I reply, he looks confused. Before I can respond Sarah blurts out “A sex injury” and I turn to her wide-eyed.   
“What?” I huff, she laughs   
“That’s why you're sore right?” She shrugs   
“I.. no” I mumble feeling all eyes on me now.   
“Well you said you got zero sleep last night and now your legs hurt so” She laughs, her eyes bright with humor.   
“Sounds like a sex injury” John B laughs, I sigh loudly.   
“It’s not a sex injury” I blush, and they all laugh “It’s more like soreness from.. god just shut up” I mumble, waiting for the outburst of laughter.   
“Oh so it’s just like muscle soreness from having a lot of sex, not an actual injury,” Sarah says in a duh tone, I glare but she smiles sweetly in response.   
“Fuck you guy” I mumble   
“You have Ethan for that” John B jokes and I move, shoving him harshly, but that only makes him laugh harder.   
“Ethan’s a beast” Pope comments, and I move my glare to him. “I mean Kie, have you seen your neck?” Pope laughs, I shove him making John B laugh loudly.   
“This is why I don't tell you guys anything,” I say, and they all laugh   
“How is JJ the most mature right now?” Sarah points out. JJ’s staring off at the water, a dazed look in his eyes.   
“What?” He asks, turning to Sarah.   
“Did you not hear about Kie’s sex injury?” Pope asks  
“Not a sex injury” I interject.   
“Close enough” Pope muses making me sigh loudly.  
“Ya I heard, sore from lots of sex, congrats” He nods at me. I shove him, and he groans.   
“Fuck off, I have my own sex injury,” He remarks, and my eyes widen.   
“From that same girl?” Sarah asks  
“Ya,” He nods turning away from us.   
“That’s still going on?” Pope asks   
“Let's talk about Kie’s sex injury again” He mocks, and I shove him lightly this time.   
“I’m more interested in the girl that's finally captured all your attention” John B muses, but his eyes are on me, and I nod in agreement.   
“You guys don’t know her” He grunted  
“So she’s a Touron?” Pope asks, and JJ sighs running a hand through his damp hair.   
“She’s none of your business” JJ expresses.   
“Someone's touchy” John B laughs, and JJ shuts his eyes, turning his head up to the sky.   
“Are you like in love?” Sarah mocks, her tone humorous. JJ turns to her with a steady glare, which only makes her laugh harder.   
“How come you two are in secret sex-relationships that you refuse to talk about?” Pope comments before he leans back on his elbows.   
“Hey, mine is not a secret” I stammer, feeling my cheeks burn.   
“Fair enough” Pope nods, his eyes closed “Is it still only sex with you and Ethan?” He asks quietly. I pull my knees up to my chest, placing my chin on my knees.   
“Ya,” I nod even though his eyes are closed.   
“So like no feelings what so ever?” Sarah butts in, her tone hopeful. I tilt my head to face her, and she’s looking at me with wide bright eyes. I could also feel JJ’s eyes on me, and it made me nervous. Of course, it was only sex, right? I shifted slightly, feeling my skin burn as I remember JJ’s soft looks that night.   
“Ya,” I mumble, kind of disoriented.   
“Ya, you have feelings?” Sarah smiles, I shake my head.   
“No, sorry I meant no, no feelings” I explain quickly, my heart beating loudly in my chest.   
“You sound unsure” She beams and I roll my eyes.   
“Kie” I hear, and turn towards the person. Ethan stands right in front of me a soft smile on his face.   
“Ethan” I mumble, feeling my cheeks burn at the thought that he might have just heard everything. “What are you doing here?” I blurt.   
“I’m with a couple of friends” he points back towards a group of guys a couple of feet away. “I just wanted to say hi” He adds, looking around the group.   
“Did you put up the flyer” I ask, feeling Sarah’s eyes on me.   
“Ya, you want to see?” He exclaims excitedly.   
“Sure” I manage as he steps forward, and kneels down beside me. He smells like cologne and sunscreen. He hands me his phone, with the online flyer. “This looks amazing E” I smile up at him  
“Thanks to you” He grins widely. I hand him back his phone, and I notice his eyes travel over my face. Then he leans down and pecks my lips, very quickly, too quickly for me to pull away.   
“I’ll see you around” He states before he rushes back to his group of friends. I stare after him, my jaw dropped.   
“Okay well, there’s obviously some feelings” Sarah quips. My gaze shifts to JJ who’s staring down at the sand with a blank look. “Kie” She squeals and I turn towards her quickly.   
“It was probably just a reflex, nothing” I blush, hating all the lies I’m telling.   
“What if he likes you?” She whispers, her eyes darting over to Ethan.   
“He doesn’t” I respond, she gives me that worried look and I give her the not now look. I stand my confusion becoming too much, especially with everyone’s eyes all over me. I grab my board and rush into the water, needing to escape for a bit.   
…  
I text Ethan that we need to talk, as Sarah rummages through her closet. She’s looking for the perfect beach outfit, for tonight's boneyard party. The boys are at the Chateau, and Sarah begged me to help her out with the outfit, so we’re at her place. She pulls out a sundress, looks it up and down before placing it back into her closet. I wanted to talk to JJ, tell him nothing was going on. I don't want him to think I’m using him for sex, while I’m dating Ethan. Even though it was just sex, so he probably doesn’t care, but I couldn’t help the deep need to explain myself to him. I was feeling guilty about it all and JJ and I aren’t dating, we’re having sex until one of us wants out. Why was I feeling guilty? JJ’s soft gaze pops into my head, and I felt myself soften immediately. I push away the thought and sit up straighter.   
“Any options yet?” I ask, trying to get my mind off of JJ and his stupidly handsome face.   
“No, but can I ask something?” She turns to me, her face scrunched up. I nod, and she steps forward, sitting down beside me. “What’s going on with Ethan?” She asks. I shift, pulling at the loose thread on my shorts.   
“It really is just sex” I mumble, the guilt consuming me. Honestly, I wanted to tell her, it would be so much easier, but I couldn't get the words out. She nods, pulling a pillow to her chest.   
“Okay, well if something was going on, you’d tell me..right?” She affirms, her tone comforting.   
“Sarah” I whisper, she scoots forward nodding. “There’s something going on” I mumble, and her eyes widen.   
“That’s good” She smiles, I shake my head.   
“No, not with Ethan, it was never Ethan,” I say, and her eyes widen “I have been having casual sex, it’s just been with JJ” I blurt, my words rushing together. Her face doesn’t move or flinch, she just stares at me. “We’re just having sex, and we didn't want to tell anyone because well we didn't want it to be weird. You know cause one day it’ll be over for whatever reason and then John B and Pope would make it weird” I ramble, but she doesn’t flinch. “And I promise it’s just sex, and it’ll end when one of us wants to date someone else, or for whatever reason” I add quickly. The silence stretches between us as she clutches the pillow tightly to her chest. She opens her mouth, but then closes it immediately, blinking a couple of times. “Say something,” I say  
“I don't know what to say” She responds “I’m completely shocked” She adds, and I nod “Except that I’m not surprised because it makes sense and I’m confused that I didn't recognize it sooner” She continues, her eyes darting around the room.  
“Okay there is no way you could have known” I state, she nods   
“No, the way you guys look at each other, and you’re always sneaking off” She huffs dropping back onto the bed.   
“Sarah, that’s absurd,” I tell her, she shakes her head.   
“It’s obviously not” She springs back up, her eyes wide. I chuckle lightly as she sighs loudly. “So, tell me everything” She turns to me, a smile growing on her face.  
“Everything?” I ask, she nods excitedly.  
“I want details” She laughs, I nod scooting forward.   
“Okay well honestly It came out of nowhere, like one day we were just us and the next I kissed him and he came onto me and I couldn’t resist him” I revealed   
“You kissed him first?” Her eyebrows knit together   
“It was the heat of the moment I was like an instinct” I try to explain, she nods. “Anyway, I thought it was gonna be a one-time thing but that didn't last” I let out an airy laugh  
“The first time was too good?” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.   
“Ya, like fantastic” I admit, and her eyes widen.   
“So he’s actually good” She laughs “I always wondered” She adds  
“Ya, honestly I don't want to boost his ego, but he’s really good, it’s like I can’t seem to get enough of him. Everything he does just turns me on, and he can be annoying” I scoff, and she laughs again. “Okay, an example before when I watched him smoke it was like JJ really likes to smoke, not just to get high but likes to smoke. Now when I see him smoke all I think about is his mouth, and other things” Her eyes widen, and I nod.   
“So that’s why you’ve been so distracted lately” She comments   
“Ya” I nod   
“So the soreness is from JJ?” She asks, I nod “and the hickeys” I nod again, feeling my cheeks flush “And the bite mark on his neck?” She squeaks. “Also the best sex he’s ever had is you” She blurts  
“I know that was a surprise to me” I laugh, she grins   
“You're good” She chuckles “So I’m assuming he’s better than your first” She adds   
“You could say that, yeah” I laugh “Can I ask you a question?” I muse, she nods eagerly. “When I’m with him it’s like…. It’s like I can’t breathe or something. Everything fades away and it’s just him, is that normal?” I ask, feeling my cheeks flame. Her eyes travel over me curiously and I look down at feeling like maybe I told her too much.   
“I’ve only been with John B” She answers, I nod “When I’m with him it feels like he’s the only one around, and I do always want to be around him” She adds  
“It’s different though, with me it’s a sex thing, it’s just really good sex” I described, she nods but she still looks unconvinced.   
“Well I mean he must be pretty good with the bite mark you left on him” She laughs, and my face falls onto the bed before breaking out into laughter myself.   
“If only I could explain it for you,” I say, and she laughs harder “Fuck you” She whines   
“You have John B” I state, and she nods sighing lightly.   
“I know, and he’s good, it’s just he’s been busy and ugh” She groans loudly “And you’re not helping” She points out, I shrug as she throws a pillow at me. I grab the pillow and throw it back, and she lays it on her face letting out a muffled groan.   
…  
Sarah runs to meet John B, throwing her arms around him with a loud giggle. He spins her before moving to capture her lips. Pope looks at me, rolling his eyes, which makes me laugh. They continue making out, and I notice JJ’s not with the guys. Pope hands me a drink, and I smile in response.   
“Where’s JJ?” I ask casually sipping my drink.   
“Probably flirting with some Touron” He laughs, and my stomach clenches. “Or drinking his face off, not the best night for him” Pope adds.   
“What happened?” I ask, concern lacing through me.   
“Stuff with his dad, and he got into a fight with some Kooks” Pope explains. My eyes automatically search for him, but it’s too crowded.   
“What happened with the Kooks?” I ask  
“I wasn’t there, he just told John B and I about it at the Chateau” He explains, “He said it was stupid stuff like the Kook made some snarky comment” He adds noticing my urging glance.   
“How bad?” I ask, a dark knot forming in the pit of my stomach.   
“He has a black eye” I grip my drink tighter, “He says it’s nothing, but you know how he is KIe” Pope winces, and I nod in response. I did know, JJ hated sympathy, he usually mistook it for pity.   
“Know-how who is?” Sarah joins the conversation, her arm around John B.   
“JJ got into a fight” Pope answers, her eyes widen slightly, before moving to meet mine.   
“Shit is he okay?” She asks  
“He said he’s fine, probably drinking it off,” John B remarks, and again my stomach clenches tightly. Sarah gives me a worried look, but I shrug it off, letting my eyes drift over the hoards of people. My eyes land on a mop of blonde hair, I know it’s JJ from his navy blue pelican marina tank-top. He’s wearing sunglasses, and I wonder if it’s to avoid questions about his eye. He laughs, and leans forward, his face inches away from some girl I don’t recognize. I can see his lips moving as she inches closer, a wide bubbly smile on her face. I look away, hating the weird feeling that swims through me at the sight. Here I was worried when he’s fine, flirting with his usual swarm of touron’s. I notice Sarah’s eyes on me, and I smile, hoping it looks convincing enough. I try to fight the urge to look back at JJ, and it works for two minutes, and then my gaze springs back. He’s still smiling, but now he’s nodding along as she waves her hands animatedly. I felt cold and irritated watching them, which only made me more annoyed at myself. Why was I annoyed, I’d seen JJ flirt a million times, with a million different girls. His smile is wide and toothy, and he has a beer bottle in his hand, so I assume he’s already tipsy. The girl runs her hand down her sundress, her eyes traveling over JJ appreciatively. Her smile morphs into a seductive smirk, and my heart squeezes in my chest. She laughs loudly, tilting her head back as her hand moves to grip JJ’s bicep.   
“Kie?” My eyes spring back to Sarah, who’s giving me a blank stare.   
“Sorry?” I mumble, my cheeks warm.   
“Come with me to the bathroom” She takes my hand, and pulls me forward.   
“Have fun” John B calls after us, Sarah giggles.   
“We plan to” Sarah responded. Sarah pulls me past JJ, and I quickly look away embarrassed for some unknown reason. I hated how awkward I felt suddenly. Sarah shuts the door behind us, her eyes wide.   
“You okay?” She asks   
“Ya” I nod, and she tilts her head an unconvinced look on her face. “I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” I ask leaning back against the wall.   
“Well I.. ya I guess” She smiles before moving towards the sink and mirror. “Is it weird, seeing him flirt with someone?” She asks as she applies some lipgloss. I cross my arms over my chest and lean my head back against the wall.   
“Not really, it’s JJ, so it’s kind of expected” I let out an airy laugh, and she looks at me through the mirror. I could see the pity in her eyes, and I felt my body flush and my throat constrict. “It’s just sex, Sarah,” I say, and she nods turning away from me quickly.   
“Kind of lucky honestly, you don't need to worry about all the emotions and shit, it’s easy” She laughs, and I grin “You know John B, he’s a lot more sensitive than you think” She explains, and I nod.   
“He’s a romantic for sure” I mumble, and she chuckles lightly.   
“Honestly it’s my favorite thing about him” She grins, her cheeks pink, I smile.   
“I know” I nod, and she shrugs turning back to the mirror.   
“Okay, come on, I need a drink” She sighs, I realize I left mine back with the boys. We head to the makeshift drink table, where Pope and John B are. Sarah moves into John B’s arms, as he drops a kiss to the top of her head. I move to grab another beer from the table, while Pope walks towards me.  
“Save me” Pope mumbles, I’m about to ask why, when I spot Sabrina making her way towards us with a big smile. She looks between us, before her eyes land on Pope.   
“Hi” She sounds even bubblier then I remember. I take a small sip of my drink, and notice Pope shift closer to me.   
“Hey” He responds, his tone clipped. I’m confused, I thought he liked her, what the fuck happened. “How are you?” He asks, as Sabrina’s eyes move to me. She looks me up and down, her eyes filled with subtle disdain.   
“I’m great, I’ve been thinking about you” She giggles, and I try not to roll my eyes. “God, is that too weird” She laughs, her arms moving to Pope’s forearm.   
“No, I mean I don’t think so” Pope chuckles, but it’s awkward and choppy. Her eyes move over to mine once again, and I smile widely on purpose.   
“I’m so rude, Kie, long time no see” Her tone is peppy and polite, but I know she’s just acting.   
“Ya, long time” I nod, she laughs   
“You look so cute, love the shorts. You always look so comfortable” She points at my simple cotton shorts.   
“Thank you” I snip back, she nods clueless to my underlying snark.   
“So, Pope, you want to go for a walk?” She asks, her tone airy and light, Like she’s trying to come off as a woodland fairy. He turns to me, and I give him wide confused eyes.   
“Um, I mean sure” He turns back to her, she grins.   
“Not too long Pope, you promised me a game of beer pong” I try. He looks back, and smiles, thanking me for my effort, even though it was kind of useless.   
“Kie” I hear JJ’s voice, and quickly turn towards him. He’s rushing forward, a wide smile on his face. He pulls me for a tight hug, a sigh escaping his lips.   
“Hello to you too,” I say, and he chuckles loudly, pulling back. He’s still wearing the sunglasses, and I feel a pang hit my chest. I’m about to ask him if he wants to go talk, but that’s when I notice the girl from earlier. Her eyes are moving over the drinks before she looks back at us.   
“What’s the drink?” She laughs, and I take a small step away from him.   
“Everything” He laughs, but it’s the fake one, the one he uses when he’s trying to sound sexy. “Kie tried it once and gagged” he points back to me. The girl's eyes move to me, an amused look on her face.   
“He’s making me try his special drink” She laughs, I nod, not knowing what to say to her. “I’m fucking scared” She laughs, her eyes moving over to Sarah and John B. “Have you guys had it?” She asks, John B nod.   
“Fucking terrible” John B remarks, she looks even more frightened. “John B’s a cheap drunk” JJ laughs   
“Fuck you, everyone's a cheap drunk compared to you” John B shoves him, the boys start wrestling while the girl who’s name I still don’t know watches intently.   
“Sarah” Sarah introduces, the girl turns her eyes reluctantly.   
“Amy” She smiles, Sarah nods   
“You new around here?” Sarah asks, her eyes dart back to JJ distractedly.   
“I’m visiting my aunt actually, for a couple of weeks” She explains, Sarah nods.   
“That’s cool” Sarah exclaims, Amy nods, her smile slipping just a little.   
“Ya, everyone's super nice” She runs a hand through her short black hair.   
“Tourons are super welcome here” Sarah giggles, and Amy looks confused.   
“Touron?” She asks  
“A tourist, we get so many during summer” Sarah clarifies, Amy stares at her confused.   
“You guys have a name for it,” She asks, her tone stiff   
“Ya, it’ a just a play on words kind of thing” Sarah explains, giving her a blank stare   
“It’s a joke” I add-in, feeling like maybe she was offended “Torouns” I add, she turns to me and nods.   
“What’s a joke” JJ’s arm goes around me, but I move out of his embrace.   
“You call tourists tourons,” Amy says, he nods.   
“It’s just because we get so many” He explains, a wide sexy smile on his face. I can see Amy soften, and she nods a smile growing on her face.   
“Ya JJ would know” I smile, Sarah lets out a sharp burst of laughter, while John B chuckles lightly.   
“Funny” JJ mumbles I smile widely at him. “Anyway, that drink” JJ says moving to grab a solo cup from the table.   
“You have to drive me back to my aunts If I get too fucked up” She laughs, her hand moving to his shoulder. Another surge of jealousy spikes through me, and I quickly turn away.   
“Kie” I hear a familiar voice. I spot Ethan walking towards me with a wide smile. I haven’t seen him since that day at the beach, when he kissed me.   
“Hey” I smile.   
“Hey man” JJ goes to pat him on the back roughly, Ethan’s smile falters but then it swings back into place.   
“Hey” He responded, his eyes move back to mine. “You look nice,” He says, his eyes traveling over me.   
“I honestly didn't try” I laugh, he chuckles along. “But thank you” I add quickly. I catch John B’s stare, and he looks beyond amused.   
“Can we talk for a second?” I ask Ethan, he nods. I take his hand and pull him away from the group.   
“You have a really strong grip” he laughs. I stop when we’re far enough that they won’t hear us.   
“Sorry,” I say, he shrugs. I run a hand through my curls, feeling my cheeks blaze with embarrassment. How was I suppose to bring up the kiss?  
“You want to talk about the kiss right,” He asks, I nod, thank god he brought it up first. “I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable I was just playing the part” He explains, stepping closer to me. I can smell his spicy cologne, as well as alcohol on his breath.   
“Oh” I mumble, he nods. “Well that’s really sweet it’s just I told them were just a hookup thing, and now they’re asking questions” I clarify, his smile drops.   
“Shit I’m sorry Kie,” he says, I shake my head.   
“No, don’t be, it’s my fault” I sigh “You were just helping out” I smile giving his hand a gentle squeeze.   
“You could just say I’m obsessed with you” He laughs, I laugh along.   
“Ya, maybe,” I say before I sit down on a log. “Honestly I should probably just tell them the truth,” I say, he moves to sit beside me.   
“Why haven’t you?” He asks, I lick my lips and look out at the crashing waves.   
“I guess it’s so things don’t change” I explain, he nods. “I just don’t want it to be weird between us, all of us” I clarify  
“Well if It helps I can keep pretending, without the kissing” He laughs, I smile up at him.   
“You’re a good friend” I assert, his smile widens.   
“I know” he replies, and I laugh. I sigh “But thank you, it means a lot” he smiles, I nod. “So what’s up with JJ?” He recounts, I shrug. There was no way I was telling him about the fight that I didn't even know if I believed was true.   
“He’s drunk” I disclose, he nods curtly.   
“Can I ask you something personal?” He quips, I turn to face him and nod in response. “Don’t take it the wrong way okay” He pauses “Do you like JJ as more than just friends or sex?” He asks.   
“No, not at all” I reply quickly “Why?” I ask, he shakes his head.   
“Just asking, no reason, I swear” He lifts his hands up, I sigh.   
“JJ and I are just friends” I point out, my eyes moving back to the water. Why was it so hard to get that we were just friends having sex. Yes, I was acting jealous but that was only because of our pact to not be with anyone else unless we were honest about it. I’m annoyed that he’s not being honest, and I’m mad about his black eye.   
“I didn't mean to upset you,” He says, his hand moving to touch my knee lightly. I turn to him, and he looks softly at me with apologetic eyes.   
“You didn’t, It’s just tedious” I smile, he nods. “Anyway, this is a party, want to get a drink?” I ask standing quickly. He looks a bit shocked, but he stands and nods. We walk back to the makeshift table, where everyone’s still gathered. Sarah catches my eye with a curious look, I smile reassuringly, she nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're gonna see some drunk affectionate JJ in the next chapter!!


	10. Metallica

I notice Amy’s still sipping that outrageous drink, her eyes getting more and more glossy. Her face is flushed, and she’s staring at JJ affectionately.   
“Can I get you two some drinks?” JJ asks, the reflective glasses still in place.   
“Sure” Ethan nods  
“Not that one” I order, he salutes.   
“Anything for you Kie” he smiles, and I glare. He hands me a beer while he mixes a drink for Ethan.   
“Trust me, man, it’s good,” He says as he hands the drink to Ethan, she smiles gratefully.   
“You don’t have to,” I say  
“Kie, let the man decide” JJ interjects, his voice stiff, I sigh sipping my beer.   
“No, I mean it smells good” Ethan laughs gently before taking a small sip. His face twists slightly, but he doesn’t gag.   
“See” JJ smiles at me, I shove him lightly.   
“I’m halfway done and I don’t feel anything” Amy stands, swaying. She steps forward, and JJ catches her, as she lets out a loud giggle.   
“I’m just clumsy” She waves at us, Sarah nods smiling widely, holding in a laugh.   
“How about some water now Aims?” JJ asks, and I almost groan at the nickname.   
“Nah” She laughs again, loudly. John B hands him a water bottle, and I refrain from telling them once again about single-use plastic.   
“I’ll recycle it” JJ affirms, and I nod, holding in a wide smile. Amy takes the bottle as JJ places her back down on the log.   
“Drink it all” he instructs, she nods up at him. Then she giggles again and raises her hand to touch his cheek.   
“You are adorable” She smiles, and JJ nods.   
“Thanks, now drink,” He says, and she nods. I hand my beer to Ethan before I rummage through my bag to find my bottle of Advil. I pull it out and shake two pills out.   
“Here” I step towards her, she gives me wide eyes.   
“What’s that, drugs?” She whispers the last word, and I hear John B chuckle.   
“Advil, to help with your hangover,” I say, she sighs dramatically.   
“I think I’m fine” She waves me off, but I take her hand and place the two pills in her palm.   
“Drink it,” I say, she nods popping them into her mouth. “This is why you don’t mix every alcohol JJ,” I say standing, he sighs.   
“How was I suppose to know she hadn’t eaten all day,” He says, and laughter echoes around me, but I’m angry again.   
“Maybe just make it a rule, you know not to get tourons drunk off their asses,” I remark angrily, he sighs lightly.   
“Kie” he starts but I shake my head and he stops. “Fine, no more special drink for the tourons” He agrees gently stepping forward. I couldn’t see his eyes, but I know he was trying to be funny.   
“I’m serious JJ,” I say, he nods stepping even closer. I could smell the saltwater and sunscreen on him, and it made my body flush.   
“I promise” he smiles, and I fucking hated how hard my heart pounded in response. The urge to smash our lips together only grew when he reaches forward, moving a curl from my face. The wind was crazy, so it just blew back which made him let out a soft chuckle.   
“You have so much hair” he mumbles, reaching again to tuck it behind my ear. I could feel my heartbeat in my cheeks, and my mouth was suddenly very dry. His finger brushed down my cheek before quickly retreating.   
“I’m done my water,” Amy says standing, her legs still wobbly. He turns to her, and she sighs leaning into him.   
“I want to dance” She giggles, and JJ nods.   
“Hey did you come with anyone?” JJ takes her hands to steady her, she looks confused.   
“Sammy” She nods at him, he nods.   
“Who’s Sammy?” He asks her, she shrugs, he turns back, and John B laughs.   
“Amy” We hear, and all of us turn, a girl with very bright red hair comes rushing forward. “Where have you been, your aunt is going to kill you” The girl who’s name I assume is Sammy yells.   
“Sorry, it’s my fault,” JJ says, she turns her glare to him.   
“Well, we should go” She grabs Amy’s hand, glaring at JJ, who nods.   
“She’s pretty tipsy right now, I gave her some Advil, just make sure you have a bucket next to her” I inform Sammy, she smiles and nods.   
“You're an ass” Sarah laughs, JJ nods grabbing his beer.   
“I know” He responds, his voice quiet. I watch as he downs the rest of his beer, before going to grab another. I could finally see the anger in his face, his mouth was set in a hard line. “A hot one at least, right?” He asks Sarah, his voice filled with humor again.   
“No,” She says, and he laughs,  
“A lot of girls disagree” he points at her, she sighs loudly.   
“Dude, maybe we should head back too” John B steps forward, noticing the harshness in his voice. We could always tell when something deeper was going on, it comes naturally after years of friendship.   
“No, come on the nights still young” he laughs, pulling John B into a side embrace.   
“I’m ready to leave” Pope pops up suddenly. “When did you get here?” JJ laughs   
“Like ten seconds ago, finally got away from Sabrina” He whispers loudly.   
“What’s wrong with Sabrina now?” JJ asks, as John B pulls away from him, moving back to Sarah.   
“Dude, you know” Pope's eyes widen, and JJ eyes find mine as he nods. “Anyway, I’m ready to leave, so?” He points to the lot with the cars.   
“Ya I should go find the group I came with Kie,” Ethan says, I nod. I pull him in for a short hug before he walks off.   
“Hugging now?” John B asks  
“Fuck off” I reply, and he laughs.  
“Guys come on, we basically just got here,” JJ remarks, Pope eyes him, a curious look on his face. “No, no-one wants to stay?” He asks, his eyes moving over all of us, no one says anything.“Fine, but I’m gonna stay” He salutes, his gaze landing on me. He takes a sip of his beer before he pushes past us, towards the masses.   
“What’s up his ass?” Sarah asks, John B looks at me with worried eyes, I nod.   
“He’s just being JJ,” Pope says.   
“You guys go, I have Sarah’s car, you guys take the van,” I say.   
“You sure you can handle him by yourself?” Pope asks  
“I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who can handle him” I laugh, and they nod in agreement. Sarah pulls me in for a short hug before she hands me her keys.   
“You sure Kie?” John B asks, his eyes filled with concern.   
“Ya, he just needs to sleep it off” I confirm, the concern doesn’t leave his face, but he nods.   
“Maybe don’t push him, he’s had a rough day,” He says, I let out an airy laugh, and nod. I wave after them before turning towards the crowd. JJ’s again talking to a group of girls, I roll my eyes at the sight. His eyes land on mine as I walk forward, a smile stretching over his face.   
“You stayed,” He says, the group looks over at me.   
“Ya, come on” I hold out my hand, he looks down at it.   
“I don’t want to go home,” He says, still looking at my hand. His words were heavy with deeper meaning, but I simply nod. He takes my hand, and I pull him out of the group of girls who are staring daggers at me. I’m about to turn to the cars when he pulls my hand away. “I’m not going home” He spits out, his voice sharp. I turn to him, my eyes wide with confusion.   
“I was taking you to my place, Idiot” I state, he shakes his head.   
“I’m not in the mood Kie, and... It’s fine you can go” He stammers, and I stare at him trying to understand what he’s running from.   
“You know you can be a real ass-hole,” I say, and he nods.   
“I know” He agrees, which doesn’t help.   
“I’m your friend JJ, just because I’m taking you home doesn’t mean we have to have sex, You’re my friend first” I explain, annoyed. He runs a hand through his hair and shrugs.   
“I don’t want to go,” he says, and I place my hands on my hips.   
“Why?” I ask, he shrugs   
“I just don’t” he responds. I let my eyes travel over him, and they land on his hands, which are in tight fists.   
“JJ,” I say, looking back up at him, he steps back.   
“I’m fine, geez Kie, It can be just that I don’t want to go home” He states harshly. “Something doesn’t always have to be wrong in my life, you all just assume because I’m JJ, the town lowlife” He yells now. He lets out a deep breath, his mouth set in a hard line. “I’m fine Kie, I’m always fine” He lets out a bitter laugh, that slices through me. We stand there staring at each other, JJ’s breathing rapid and uneven. I step forward, and he stays in place. I reach forward and pull off his stupid glasses in one quick motion. His eye is dark purple, and almost swollen shut, it makes my stomach turn, and a nauseous feeling float through me.   
“Let me guess, it’s not as bad as it looks, right?” I ask, my voice cold, he swallows and nods. “What happened?” I ask  
“Some asshole Kook” he recites  
“What really happened” I ask again, he tongue darts out to wet his dry cracked lip.   
“Some asshole Kook” he repeats, like maybe this time I’ll believe him.   
“I don’t believe you JJ” I state, and he shuts his eyes, wincing slightly. I reach up, running my finger lightly below the bright bruise. He winces again, but I feel him lean into me. “I’m sorry he did this” I whisper, my skin burning as his hand moves to grip my hip. I lean up on my tiptoes and place a soft kiss on his bruise, he sucks in a breath. “You don’t deserve it, please” My voice cracks, and he opens his eyes. “Please tell me you know that” I continue, his eyes soften and he lets out a small huff of air.   
“I..” He stammers, and my heart physically aches. I shake my head and move my hands so that they’re around his neck, pulling him closer to me.   
“You don’t deserve it, you never have. I’m telling you now, and I need you to believe it JJ, I need you to hear me.” I exclaim, my eyes glued to his.   
“What’s wrong with me Kie?” He asks, his voice wobbly. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed, and my throat is tight and burning.   
“Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you, you’re so great, and kind and loyal. It’s him. I know it’s hard for you to understand or believe me but I promise you it’s him. You’re JJ and it’s more than enough” I explain, my voice sharp. I needed him to understand, I needed him to believe me. “Okay,” I say, he leans his forehead against mine and sucks in a breathe. “Say okay JJ” I beg, my voice shaky.   
“Okay” He whispers, and a small cry of relief escapes my lips. I shut my eyes breathing him in.   
“I’m so sorry” I whimper   
“Hey” He pulls back, but I keep my head down, scared if I open my eyes tears will fall. “Hey, Kie” he takes my chin and pulls it up so that I’m facing him. “Look at me kie” he begs, and I shake my head, my heart hammering. “Please” he adds, and my eyes spring open. His face is so soft it makes my insides burn.   
“I’m sorry I.. I should have said something earlier” I murmur, guilt swarming through my veins.   
“Stop Kie, you, Pope and John B have always been there for me, you have nothing to feel sorry for, nothing” He states “You are the reason I..” He pauses, and I blink back tears “You guys are the reason I know I’m not like him, that I’m capable of more” He finishes, and I let out a small watery laugh.   
“You're so much more than him” I nod, and he smiles. His finger moves to wipe under my eyes gently.  
…  
I place the glass of water on the side table next to JJ, as he strips off his shirt. I watch as he falls into my bed facedown, mumbling lightly.   
“Watch your eye, idiot,” I say, as he turns, groaning.   
“Stupid I know” He laughs, I place the bottle of Advil next to the water and move to my closet. I grab my Metallica sleep shirt and quickly change, my back facing JJ, who I’m sure is sound asleep.   
“I’m not that tired,” He says, and I turn, smiling.   
“You need to sleep,” I say, even though seeing him half-naked on my bed is definitely hard to resist. He pouts and I shrug, grabbing my lotion from my desk.   
“You're a tease” He smiles, I send him a sharp glare.   
“If I remember correctly, you’re the one who said you’re not in the mood” I recount, and he sighs loudly.   
“I didn't” He shake his head before he places both arms under his head, which is incredibly attractive.   
“Verbatim,” I say  
“I don’t know what that means,” He says, and a sharp laugh escapes my lips.   
“It means it’s what you said exactly” I giggle, and he nods, licking his lips.   
“Well, I was obviously out of my mind” His eyes roam over me appreciatively.   
“Probably ya, but you know” I fake yawn, stretching my arms over my head, my shirt rising slightly, exposing some of my stomach. “I’m exhausted, and you need your sleep so I’m gonna sleep In my parent's room” I smile coyly, and he groans loudly.   
“You are not serious,” He asks  
“As a heart attack” I laugh, and he chuckles lowly.   
“Kie come on, at least let me cuddle you” he lifts the blanket up and pats the bed. “Please” he adds, his voice softer.   
“It was my Metallica shirt right?” I ask  
“Definitely” he nods in agreement. I finally relent and hop into the bed, shifting so I face the wall instead of JJ.   
“Just because I like my bed better than my parent's bed,” I say. I feel him move closer to me, his arm, moving to circle my waist and pull me back into him. “Sure Kie” He smiles against my neck before placing a soft kiss there. I shiver and arch into him, so that my ass is right up against him. “Kie” he groans, I laugh.   
“Sorry,” I say, and he chuckles, squeezing me slightly. His finger moves under my shirt and begins tracing a pattern across my hip. The movement actually start lulling me to sleep.   
“I’m sorry about Amy tonight” He whispers and maybe he thought I was asleep, or that I was to distracted to hear him.   
“Why?” I ask, my voice hoarse.   
“I was using her, and I’m sorry it was selfish” He explains, and my skin burns under his touch.   
“Why were you using her?” I ask  
“To make you jealous, and because of everything else. To make myself feel better I guess” He rambles quickly, and I nod. I feel him shift, and I realize maybe my hair is in his face. I’m about to pull away and move it, but he has me locked in his arms. “Don’t, it smells good” He explains, and I blush.   
“It worked,” I say, and I can feel my heart start racing again. “I was jealous” I clarify, as he continues the pattern on my hip.   
“I was jealous of Ethan” he responded, and a small smile grows on my lips. “What does that mean?” He asks, and I suddenly feel panicky. What did it mean?”   
“Maybe that we’re both possessive” I laugh, and his chuckle vibrates through me.   
“Maybe we stop trying to make each other jealous?” He suggests, and I nod.  
“Is it weird that jealousy kind of turns me on?” I ask, and he laughs again, squeezing my hip lightly.   
“Fuck Kie, everything you do turns me on, so I guess not” He replies, and my heart stutters.   
“I am pretty cute” I smile, and he chuckles lightly. I crane my neck so that I can see his face, he gives me a toothy grin. My gaze lands on his eye, and I feel like I can’t breathe again, my heart sputters in my chest. He leans forward and places a gentle kiss right next to my mouth, I close my eyes, relishing in the heat that erupts from where his lips touched.   
“It’s okay,” He says, and I nod turning back to the wall. He shifts closer, our bodies basically attached. I didn't mind, to be honest, it’s the warmest I felt in a long time.”Night Kie” he says, his voice already sleepy.   
“Night” I smile, letting his embrace lull me to sleep.   
…  
We’re all at Sarah’s house, taking full advantage of her pool, and air-conditioning. I think the guys are a bit taken back at how big her house actually is, I’ve been here enough that I’m only sort of use to it, now. I’m lounging on one of the chairs, sipping Sarah’s famous margaritas, while the boys splash loudly in the pool. It’s rare now that all of us have a day off of work, and luckily today was that day. The boys were skeptical when Sarah suggested her house, but once she said her parents were out of town, they were all down for it. Now I don’t think any of them will want to leave. Sarah emerges from inside with a pitcher, and a couple of beers for the guys. She places them down at the outdoor bar, and brings the pitcher to me. She sits down on the lounge chair beside me, placing the pitcher between us.   
“I don’t think they’ll want to leave” I point out, she laughs   
“Wait until my parents come back” She responds, and I nod. JJ lifts himself out of the pool, his arms tense and bulging. The sight makes me tingle all over, as heat pools in my core.   
“You’re staring” Sarah whispers, and I shrug. I couldn’t seem to care right now. “Kie” She laughs, and I finally turn away.   
“I told you” I mumble sipping my drink, she giggles loudly.   
“Ya, well unless you want everyone to know I’d suggest not looking that intently at him” She quips, and I nod, flushing.   
“So how did it go with Ethan that night?” She asks turning to me, I kind of forgot that Ethan kissed me, so much happened after that, it kind of got lost.   
“Fine, he just said he was playing the part, and he apologized,” I tell her, she nods.   
“So you told him about you and JJ” She whispers  
“Ya, I thought you’d bring it up to him, and I wanted him to know,” I say, she gives me a weird look. “What?” I ask, she shakes her head, sipping her drink slowly.   
“Well, it’s kind of weird that he kissed you then” She explains. I shift in my seat, giving her a blank look. “Well if you told him everything, it kind of seems weird” She adds noticing my confused look.   
“Really?” I ask, she shrugs.   
“It could’ve been an honest mistake” She shrugs, I nod.   
“Kie” I hear JJ’s voice, so I turn towards the pool. He shakes his hair, the water flying out everywhere.   
“What?” I ask, he steps forward, but he’s still a couple of feet away.   
“Could you help me?” He asks, then he picks up the sunscreen, and I squint.   
“Ya, Kie, go help” Sarah whispers to me, and I shover her gently. I stand and walk towards him, he hands me the bottle of sunscreen.   
“Hey, I didn’t have to remind you this time” I muse, smiling at him, he nods turning his back towards me. I squirt some onto my hands and place a think layer across his back. “Guys, you have to put some on too” I turn towards the pool, where John B and Pope wrestle. JJ turns to face me, lifting his arms up. “You can do your front” I laugh, and he shakes his head.   
“Ya, but you do it so much better” He smirks, and I groan, hiding a smile. “Please” He smiles, and I sigh loudly, but I give in. I start with his shoulders and move to his chest. I could feel him tense, and it made me flush. I move slowly up to his face, gently spreading it around so I don’t press too hard on his bruise.   
“There” I smile, he nods.   
“Thanks” He grins back. I’m about to pull away from him when I feel his hands grip my hips and pull me towards him. My eyes widen in shock, but he has a shit-eating grin on his face.   
“What are..” But then we’re falling into the pool, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I push off him, and swim up to the surface, sputtering. “What the fuck” I laugh as I start treading water. JJ pops up, his hair falling into his eyes. He’s laughing loudly along with Pope and John B. “Fuck you” I push him before I start towards the edge of the pool.   
“You looked hot, I thought you needed to cool down” He laughs, pushing his hair from his face.   
“Ya, hilarious,” I remark, but my laugh makes them laugh harder. I’m about to pull myself back up when I feel a pair of arms wrap around me, pulling me back in. “JJ” I yell, as he spins us. I can’t help the bubble of laughter that explodes out of me. I wiggle free and swim a couple of feet away from him. I turn back to him, and he has an amused smile on his face. Then I see Pope making his way towards me with a smile on his face. I try to swim, but I’m too late and he’s wrapping his arms around me before he throws me back into the deep end of the pool. I swim up and all of them are laughing loudly.   
“Guys” I groan, which only makes them laugh harder. I duck under the water and swim to John B. I grab his leg and pull so that he slips and falls under. I bob up laughing as Pope and JJ cackle loudly.   
“I didn’t do shit” John B spits when he surfaces.   
“You were the easiest target,” I tell him, he groans and rushes forward grabbing me.   
“John B” I squeal, as he pulls me under. When I swim up, I notice Sarah at the edge of the pool, she’s laughing and filming.   
“Kie, I got it all on my phone, you look like you were drowning” She laughs loudly, and I finger her, which only makes her laugh harder.   
“Get in here and shut up” I state, and she shakes her head. I notice John B has snuck out, and is quietly coming up behind her. “Sarah” I groan, she shakes her head again. That’s when John B grabs her phone, chucks it into the grass before he pushes her into the water. The water ripples around us, and we all laugh as she stands, her long hair covering her face.   
“Babe” She yells, as John B rushes over to grab her phone from the grass.   
“Your phones fine” He assures placing it on the table. She swings her hair off her face, glaring at John B.   
“You’re gonna regret that” She points at him, and his eyes widen as we laugh loudly. JJ swims towards me, and I back up hitting the edge of the pool.   
“Don’t” I push my hands out, they land firmly on his chest.   
“Just let it happen Kie” he whispers, and I shake my head. He tilts his head and I groan, giving in as he picks me up with a wicked look.   
“Fuck you,” I say, and he raises his eyebrows smirking before he throws me back into the water.


	11. Favorite

“Stop” I laugh loudly as JJ nuzzled deeper into my side. His arms locked around me, as I try to wiggle free, to no avail. He pulls me tighter against him, chuckling against my bare skin. I spin in his arms, so that his face is now against my stomach, hoping to gain some leverage. “JJ” I laugh as he begins worming up my body landing between my boobs. “You’re too much,” I say, as he sighs happily, which only makes me chuckle harder.  
“Shh, I’m trying to sleep” His voice sounds muffled, and I roll eye eyes.  
“It’s morning and you woke me up” I clarify, and he only lets out a small grunt in response. “Don’t you have work” I say, carding my fingers through his hair. He looks up at me, his hand darting under his chin.  
“Don’t remind me” He groans, making me smile. I scratch lightly at his scalp, and he shuts his eyes, sighing contently.  
“Come on, I’ll even bring you lunch,” I say, wiggling slightly, but he only falls back onto me.  
“Kie, I’m too tired” he huffs.  
“Well, I’ll take responsibility for that, but you chose to wake us up early” I blush, and he sighs loudly.  
“Fine” he grunts, he moves up and pecks my lips before fully sitting up. I watch as he rushes around the room, collecting his clothes. I pull my knees up to my chest, and watch intently as he pulls his clothes on. He runs his fingers through his hair, before heading to the washroom. I hear the sink start, so I assume he’s brushing his teeth. I move off the bed, and grab my discarded t-shirt, pulling it over my head.  
“Are you sleeping at the Chateau tonight?” He ducks out, his toothbrush hanging from his mouth. Tonight we’re having a party at the chateau, thanks to the boys deciding they needed to throw a tiki party before summers up.  
“Depends” I reply, he nods and moves back into the bathroom. I pull on my shorts before heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth. JJ is rinsing out his mouth as I spurt toothpaste onto my toothbrush. He splashes some water on his face, running it back into his hair. He groans quietly as his hand brushes past his eye, the bright blue bruise now green and yellow. I open my drawer and pull out a bottle peroxide, and a cotton swab. I douse the cotton swab with the peroxide, and take his face in my hand. My toothbrush is still In my mouth, so the white foam starts to leak down my chin. As I place the peroxide on the cut and bruise, JJ’s finger darts out to wipe at my chin and lip.  
“Thank you” he smiles, I nod, tossing the cotton swab into the trash. I finish brushing my teeth and start washing my face, noticing JJ is leaning against the counter watching intensely.  
“What?” I ask, he shrugs. “You want some?” I point to the bottle of face-cream in my hands. He stares blankly, as I scoop some out of the container, and move towards him. I place a couple of dots on his cheeks and forehead, placing the rest on my face. I start rubbing it gently into his skin. “You should totally let me do a face-mask on you” I laugh, and he chuckles. “Okay,” I finish. He reaches for my face, massaging the cream gently into my skin. He looks so focused, it makes me chuckle lightly, and he looks into my eyes confused.  
“What?” He asks, his cheeks pink.  
“Nothing, you’re cute” I blurt, and my cheeks immediately flush. Cute, really Kiara!  
“I’d say Sexy, but I’ll take it” He responds, and I’m glad he didn’t read too much into my comment. After JJ finishes rubbing my face, I pull my hair up into a messy bun.  
“I’ll check if they left,” I tell him, he nods. I sneak out into the hallway, listening for any sign that my parents are home. I don’t hear anything, but I stand on the steps and call out “Mom, Dad.” There’s no response, so I quickly rush back to the room to get JJ. He’s staring at his phone when I open the door, his eyes moving quickly to meet mine.  
“It’s clear” I smile, he nods. I still find myself tiptoeing and moving slowly down the stairs, just in case they didn’t hear me. I relax once I see both of their cars aren’t in the driveway.  
“Thanks again Kie, for letting me stay,” he says, I shrug smiling. He looks hesitant before he steps forward quickly, pecking my lips before he rushes off to the Van he borrowed from John B. I stare after him, stunned, and happy. I move my fingers to my lips, smiling to myself. I quickly shook away the excitement and turned inside. It was only a thank you, that’s all it meant!  
…  
“How did I get roped into this” I groan, pushing a tiki-torch into the soft dirt. Sarah called me and asked if I’d help set up even though it was supposed to be Pope, JJ, and John B’s party. I reluctantly agreed, mostly because I kind of wanted to talk to Sarah about JJ and I. Things had changed since that night, and I didn’t know what to think of it. I don’t know if I even wanted things to change. All I really knew was that I liked it when he kissed me, and I like it when he pulls me against him before he falls asleep. The thought that maybe I had the tiniest feelings for JJ was making me anxious and irritable. I felt like a complete idiot, there was no way he felt the same. It was only supposed to be sex, and of course, now I’m overthinking. Sarah hands me another tiki torch, a wide smile on her face. I was going to tell her, but I can’t get her alone.  
“We got roped into this because the boys are useless without us Kie” She explains, pushing her hair from her face. I nodded simply, and shove the other tiki torch into the dirt. “You okay?” She whispers, I nod even though my stomach was in knots and I couldn’t get JJ’s stupid smile out of my head.  
“I’m just tired” I lie, she smirks and I shake my head.  
“Tired, I see” She winks making me laugh lightly. Her face suddenly becomes somber, and her smile falls from her face. “Can I ask you something?” She muses, her cheeks pink.  
“Anything” I nod, stepping closer to her.  
“Well lately John B has been, well he hasn’t wanted to… you know” She tries to explain, but I can tell by how red she’s getting, she’s embarrassed. I look past her towards Pope and John B. They’re laughing loudly as Pope dancing around with a grass skirt on.  
“Have you asked him why?” I ask, she gives me wide eyes.  
“Kind of, well whenever I try he gets weird and makes an excuse to leave” She huffs, clearly annoyed. “I don’t know if maybe I did something or maybe he’s..” She stops, her eyes becoming glossy. “What if he’s cheating Kie” She whimpers, and I shake my head taking her hand in mine.  
“No way, he loves you” I state confidently, she lets out a shaky breath.  
“Well obviously something wrong, I mean you and JJ are doing it contently and you’re not in love, and he never wants to” She exclaims quietly.  
“I don’t know but you need to get him to discuss it,” I tell her  
“How?”  
“Sit him down and say that you need to talk and if he tries to leave tell him it’s important” I advocate, she sighs, but nods.  
“What if he refuses,” She asks, her tone filled with worry. I squeeze her hand reassuringly, and she takes a big breath.  
“Then you need to reevaluate things, but I don’t think he will if you tell him it’s important” I smile, she nods but I can see the fear in her eyes. I pull her into a hug, and she melts into me, placing her head into the crook of my neck.  
“I’m scared Kie” She whispers  
“It’s okay, I promise” I soothe. I notice John B look towards us, his eyes filling with concern. There has to be a good explanation! Sarah pulls away, letting out a small laugh. I notice John B look over her, but he doesn’t move, he just observes silently.  
“I’ll do it tonight,” She says handing me another tiki torch.  
“Ya, I’m sure you guys will figure it out” I smile, she nods.  
…  
I’m waiting for JJ in the driveway. He said he’s on his way, he had to stay late because some guy called in sick last minute. The parties in full swing, people fill the chateaus backyard. Loud music echoes around, mixed with the cheers of teenagers. I decided to wait for JJ in the driveway, deciding I’m gonna ask him about John B, maybe he knows something. I spot the Van, and stand quickly, wiping the butt of my shorts. He parks, but I see him pull his backpack up on his lap, he starts rummaging through it. He hasn’t spotted me, so I decide to wait. He pulls out some deodorant, and swipes it under his arms, the sight makes me smile. Next, he pulls out, what looks like a cologne bottle and sprays himself, a couple of times before shoving everything back into his bag and opening the car door. I decide to make myself known now, so it won’t come as a complete shock. “Maybank” I call, he turns quickly, his eyes wide, I chuckle. “Sorry, didn't mean to scare you” I laugh, he relaxes as his eyes land on me.  
“No, it’s fine” he grins, shutting the car door. He walks towards me while running his fingers through his hair. “You waiting for me?” He asks, a triumphant smile on his face.  
“Ya” I nod, and his smile grows wider if that’s possible. His hands move to circle my waist, which makes me giggle. “Missed me” he whispers before his lips touch mine. The kiss is warm and soft, but he quickly deepens it, making my head spin wildly. I lay my hands on his chest and gently push him back. His eyes are glazed, and his lips are swollen, which only makes me want him more.  
“I needed to ask you something” I breathe, my skin on fire. His hands are still firmly on my hips, and he’s only an inch away from my mouth.  
“Oh” he smiles, I nod, and run a hand through my curls. My heart was pounding, and my lips tingled but I tried to focus on Sarah and John B.  
“Do you know if somethings up with John B” I ask, his eyebrows knit together, clearly confused. “Sarah said something to me, and I was just wondering if you knew something” I try to explain, he licks his lips and shakes his head slightly.  
“What did she say?” He asks  
“I don’t think I can tell you” I answer, and he nods. “But has John B said anything to you?” I ask.  
“No, nothing about Sarah and him” He responds. “But maybe if you told me what it’s about” He adds, squeezing my hip.  
“I can’t, she wouldn’t want me to” I clarify, he nods again. “But if you know anything, please tell me,” I remark.  
“Ya, I will” he smiles before pulling me in for another dizzying kiss. I giggle against his lips, which only makes him deepen the kiss. I run my fingers up the base of his neck, into his hair, tugging lightly on the strands. He moans into my mouth, and heat erupts through me. “We should probably not be doing this right here” He murmurs, his lips still on mine. I break away, my heart pounding loudly against my ribs, and nod.  
“The house is pretty much full” I reply, my hands falling to his shoulders.  
“Well then I guess, no monkey business for us,” He remarks, and I burst out laughing.  
“Monkey business” I laugh, he nods.  
“Ya, I regretted it immediately” He states. Another loud laugh escaped my lips, and he groans lightly, before an amused smile grows on his face. “We should probably go inside” He reaches out, grabbing one of my curls between his fingers. I’ve noticed he loves to play with my curls, which usually I’d hate but now it only turns me on. I reach out to touch his lips lightly with my fingertip, he stills, his eyes glazed over.  
“Or we could use the van” I whisper, feeling my body flush at my boldness. His eyes widen immensely, and his jaw drops open. “Unless you think it’s a bad idea,” I say, smiling. He pulls away from me, and rushes back to the van, opening the back door, I let out an airy laugh.  
“You’re fucking with me,” He remarks, mistaking my laughter.  
“No, but I do want to fuck you” I quip, moving past him and into the back of the van. I know he’s shocked at how forward I’m being, I’m shocked. Honestly, I couldn't find a reason to be shy, not when I had what I wanted right in front of me. He climbs in and shuts the door behind him. He seems to hesitate by the door, his eyes roaming over me. “Come on” I urge, sticking my hand out towards him, he takes it and makes his way towards me. His lips find mine, immediately, as we settle onto the roomy back seats. He’s hovering over me, as I try to wiggle out of my shorts, while still keeping my lips laced with his. “What” I breathe as he breaks away, he chuckles lightly, moving down to my half off shorts.  
“You know my favorite part is getting to undress you” He murmurs, and my body tingles with desire. He hooks his fingers into the waistband of my pants and underwear, pulling them both down slowly.  
“Favourite” I doubt, my voice breathy.  
“Well second favorite” He mumbles, his lips hovering over my hipbone. I arch into him, and he chuckles lowly.  
“What’s your favorite,” I ask, wiggling as his lips burn kisses over my inner thighs. He looks up at me through his eyelashes, his eyes burning and intense.  
“You should know that by now Kie” He smiles wickedly before his head ducks back down, and intense pleasure fills my body. My eyes roll back into my head, and I instinctively card my fingers through his hair, holding myself steady. When the familiar tightness in my stomach begins to build, I can’t help the loud moan that escapes my lips, filling the space around us. “JJ” I breathe, my body shaking intensely. White-hot pleasure bursts behind my eyelids, as another moan falls from my lips. I was always in awe of how fast he could get me off with his mouth, it would be embarrassing if it didn't feel so good. He kisses lightly back up my body, as I try to catch my raging breath. I wrap my arms around him as he hovers above me, his lips brushing lightly against mine. “Fuck JJ” I mumble against him, he chuckles lowly, sending vibrations through my already sensitive body.  
“I think that’s what you’re doing” He laughs in my hair, I shove him lightly, my arms feeling like jelly, from gripping onto him so tightly. I take his face in my hands and move them slowly through his hair, a no doubt dopey smile on my face.  
“You want to know what my favorite is?” I ask, already feeling heat coil tightly In my lower stomach. He grins and tilts his head expectantly. “Feeling you inside of me” I whisper, my heart hammering. His smile slips from his lips, and I can see the darkness return to his bright eyes, which makes me giggle lightly.  
“Your wish is my command” He grins, before capturing my lips in another demanding kiss.  
…  
“You sure my hair doesn’t look too messy?” I ask, running my fingers through my tangled curls. JJ looks over me again, his eyes turning up in amusement, I shove him.  
“If you’re asking if you look like we just fucked in John B’s van, the answer is no” He smiles, and I roll my eyes, flattening out my cropped tank. I spot Pope, and rush past JJ to make my way towards him.  
“Hey” I smile, feeling the heat in my cheeks. He turns and smiles, but his smile slips when his eyes fall onto my neck. “What?” I ask, my heart hammering.  
“Nothing, sorry” he smiles, turning away.  
“What’s up fuckers” JJ barges between us, a wide happy smile on his face.  
“Finally man, I thought you were off work like an hour ago” Pope looks confused, as JJ grabs himself a beer.  
“got caught up, Kyle needed my help” He explains, his eyes moving to mine, to give me a wide grin, I look away. “So what have you two been doing?” JJ asks before he sips his beer.  
“Avoiding Sabrina, and Kie, well, looks like she was having some fun” Pope remarks sourly, and my eyes widen.  
“Excuse me” I state, he points to my neck, and I quickly cover it up. JJ’s doesn’t flinch, and I want to punch him. “Fuck you both,” I remark, and I notice Pope picks up a cup and fills it with vodka before downing it quickly.  
“Geez, is fun Pope coming out” JJ laughs, clapping him on the back. Pope’s face contorts, and he shakes his head sucking in a deep breath.  
“I’m always fun,” Pope says, JJ laughs.  
“I mean, sure I’ll give it to you” JJ nods, and I shake my head at the pair.  
“Have you seen Sarah or John B?” I ask Pope, he looks around the crowd before shaking his head. He pours himself another shot, and quickly shoots it.  
“I’m gonna go try to find them,” I tell them, JJ nods. I look at Pope, kind of worried, he’s not usually a drinker.  
“We’ll be fine Kie,” JJ says, noticing my stare. I push through the crowd, deciding to go look inside first. A couple is making out against the door, their kisses making a disgusting smacking noise.  
“Excuse me” I state dryly, they don’t move, so I resort to pushing them. They both groan but quickly continue sucking each other's faces. I notice a group fo people in the kitchen yelling chug, but no Sarah or John B. I look around the empty living room, and just as I’m about to leave, I hear a small cry. I step forward, making sure I wasn’t hearing things. But the person sniffles, and I walk towards the couch, thinking maybe they’re behind it. I spot Sarah’s wedges first before I see that she’s crouched behind the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest.  
“Sarah?” I ask tentatively, she looks up, her mascara smudged under her eyes. “What happened?” I ask moving quickly to sit down beside her. She lets out another low sniffle, while she wipes under her eyes.  
“I talked to John B” She whimpers, her voice hoarse, like she’d been crying for a while.  
“Okay,” I say, she turns to me, and I can see the hurt in her eyes.  
“He didn't want to talk, he said I was pushing him and he… he said he needed a break” She cries, tears streaming down her red cheeks. “He broke up with me” She adds, her words choppy. I stare shocked, there was no way he broke up with her, why? She turns away, a sob slipping out of her lips. I pull her into my arms, so that her head falls onto my shoulder.  
“I’m so sorry” I mumble, still shocked. Her tears rock her body, as she sinks into my side.  
“What am I going to do Kie, I love him” Her voice sounds tiny and broken, which kind of breaks me too.  
“I’m here okay, I’m right here” I mumble, clutching her tighter to me.


	12. Revelation

Sarah scooped a huge chunk of cookie dough ice cream out of the container, plopping it directly into her mouth. She moans quietly, and I laugh in response. “Shut up” She mumbles over the mouth full of ice-cream. “I’m PMSing, and I just got dumped” She adds, her tongue darting out to clean up the dripping ice-cream.   
“You weren’t dumped, you guys are on a break” I reiterate, even though she thinks of it as the same thing.   
“On a break, what is this Friends” She utters, her eyes darting back to my laptop, which is playing the office quietly. “You know I should just end it fully” She mutters, spooning another mouthful of Ice-cream onto her spoon.   
“Sarah, don’t be petty” I mutter, she laughs   
“I should though, since he can’t answer a simple question and he needs a break! Why should I wait?” She exclaims. I grab a handful of popcorn and shove it into my mouth. To be honest I didn’t know what to say, if I told her to end it, I felt like I was betraying John B even though I haven’t talked to him about it. “What would you do?” She asks, and I try not to show how much I absolutely hated the question. I chew slowly, buying myself some time before I have to answer.   
“I don’t know, I mean I’d want to know what John B was thinking” I explain lightly, she nods, and scoffs loudly.   
“Fat chance at that, because he’s a child” She waves me off, I nod. I felt for her, how could I not, I just didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I had to talk to John B soon. My phone rings out loudly, and I dart towards it, answering quickly.   
“Hey, Kie” JJ’s voice booms around me.   
“Hey, what’s up?” I lean back onto my headboard. Sarah continues scooping ice-cream into her mouth, with a sour expression.   
“You free to talk?” He asks, and I immediately want to say yes, but my gaze is fixated on Sarah, who looks like she’s on the verge of tears again.   
“I’m with Sarah” I reply disappointed.   
“Shit ya, I knew that” He mutters sounding kind of flustered, it made me smile. “Could you sneak out tonight, when she falls asleep?” He asks, and I hated the rush I got from his words. Sarah turns to me, giving me a quizzical look, I mouth “JJ,” and as she nods.   
“Sure, I’ll text you” I reply. She’d be asleep, and honestly, I hasn’t seen him for two days and I missed him, which only made me more confused. I also felt bad because he was supposed to be staying with me, but I guess he has the Chateau all freed up since Sarah and John B are on a break.   
“Okay, see you tonight” He sounds like he’s smiling, which makes me feel kind of giddy.   
“Ya, bye” I end the call, trying to hide a smile that was threatening to break free. I grab another handful of Popcorn, as Sarah looks over me with a curious look. “What?” I ask, my mouthful, she sighs dramatically.   
“Nothing” she mutters then adds “What did JJ want?” I shift further into my mattress, picking at a loose thread on the comforter.   
“He wanted to see if I could hang out” I admit, feeling my cheeks burn.   
“Oh a booty call” She laughs, I chuckle along. “You could have gone” She adds, her tone softer. I look up and notice the tightness in her face.   
“No, I wanted to stay” I give her a reassuring smile. “Plus, I have to make sure you finally finish the Office, so we can restart it” I quip, turning the volume up on my laptop. She laughs and moves closer to me, letting her head fall onto my shoulder.   
“I love you Kie,” She says. Sarah’s cuddly and affectionate, but I know how she gets when she becomes close to someone. So I know she really means it.   
“I love you too” I reply.   
…  
Sarah’s been passed out for an hour now, so I decide to text JJ. He responded right away, which makes me smile. I quietly move to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I had been eating all day today, and I can feel the candy in my teeth. I quickly brush my teeth, and pull my hair out of the bun it’s been in all day. I hear my phone beep, and I rush over to it. JJ texted that he was out front. I write a quick note, just in case she wakes up and sees that I’m not there. My heart is beating loudly in my chest, as I make my way downstairs. I was nervous, for some unknown reason, which I hated. I spot the Van in the driveway, and I wonder if he told John B he was borrowing it.   
“Hey” He smiles as I hop into the front seat. He’s wearing sweatpants and his favorite pelican marina tank top.   
“Hey” I sound kind of breathless. I’m just wearing my long sleep shirt, and no pants   
“I just realized we have nowhere to go” Her chuckles lightly and I notice his cheeks tint pink.   
“Well, we do have the back of the van, remember” I point back, and he nods, a wolfish grin replacing his shy smile. I shift onto his lap, pulling him into a blazing kiss. His hands fall to my hips, and I vaguely feel the pressure of the steering wheel in my lower back. My hands start roaming, and JJ lets out a soft groan before pulling away. “What?” I ask, my eyes wide, he licks his lips and sucks in a breathe.  
“Could we maybe not do this in your driveway” He asks. A bubble of laughter explodes out of me, which makes him laugh as well.   
“You scared my dad come out?” I ask, still laughing loudly.   
“Yes, he scares me and I can admit that” He exclaims, a wide smile on his face. I let my hands fall to his shoulders, squeezing slightly. I lean in to peck his lips lightly, before I move off his lap, back into the passages seat.   
“Where to?” I ask buckling my seatbelt. He starts backing out of the driveway   
“I don’t know?” He responded.   
“Just go to the beach parking lot” I instruct, placing my feet up on the dashboard. He turns to me, a smirk on his face. “What?” I ask, laughing lightly.   
“Nothing” He turns back to the road. I felt myself flush, and curiosity spiked.   
“Tell me” I demand, he laughs and shakes his head. “JJ” I groan petulantly, which only makes him laugh harder. I shake my head and turn to look out the window. The trees flyby, the moon casting a silver light across them. I shift, putting on the radio, a soft song fills the van. I lean back into my seat, humming along quietly. I always loved driving at night, everything looked like it was sleeping. I turn to JJ, and notice he’s softly tapping the steering wheel, and biting his bottom lip. He runs his fingers through his hair, and lets out a small sigh, the sighs make me smile to myself. He turns towards me slowly, then back at the road, before his eyes swing back to mine again.   
“What?” He asks, which makes me let out a soft airy laugh.   
“Nothing” I demand, which makes him groan. We pull into the parking lot, JJ moving to out usual spot facing the water. He shuts off the engine, and turns to me.   
“Okay, before you distract me, I wanted to tell you that I talked to John B” He turns towards me, his eyes wide. I move my feet off the dash and shift to face him. I was honestly scared to find out, what if it was something terrible. How could I explain it to Sarah?   
“What did he say?” I ask.  
“He wouldn’t really say, he just told me he needed to think” JJ explains, and I stare at him confused. “Pope and I both asked, he seemed kind of weird and angry” JJ adds.   
“What the fuck is up with him?” I ask, he shrugs, and I notice he looks away from me, down at the car floor. “JJ?” I urge, he looks up at me with wide eyes.   
“What?” His voice is a mere whisper.   
“Are you telling me the truth, or just what John B told you to tell me?” I ask, crossing my hands over my chest. He sits up straighter, and shakes his head. “JJ” I groan   
“I’m serious, he didn't tell me anything. I just..” He pauses and runs his fingers through his hair. “I just think he freaked himself out” He explains finally.   
“How?” I ask   
“Well you know they just recently said I love you and well I think he’s freaked out that she’s gonna leave like his mom” His cheeks turn pink and he quickly looks away. JJ’s always been super attentive to us, but he definitely doesn’t like to show it.   
“You can actually have smart thoughts” I mock, and he groans, but a small smile grows on his face. “That’s probably why he’s acting so strange” I agree, pushing my curls from my face. “But he should talk to her, not freak her out with this stupid break” I exclaim, JJ nods.   
“You should talk to him, your the only one we ever listen to” JJ laughs lightly. His eyes move back to the ground, and I know he’s feeling off about the mom comments. I reach out grabbing his hand in mine, he looks up confused.   
“I am the smartest” I respond, his eyes roam over me, before landing back on my lips.   
“You are” He agrees, his voice quiet and serious. He squeezes my hand and moves his gaze up to meet my eyes. “Want to skinny dip?” He blurts, a mocking look in his eye. I push my curls away from my eyes, and nod simply. His eyes widen immensely, which makes me let out a small laugh.   
“Why not” I add, opening the door. I could hear the crash of the waves, and smell the salty breeze in the air. It was colder at night, but the warm days still hung thickly in the air. I quickly rush to the water, not looking back to see if JJ’s following. I pull off my shirt clumsily, throwing it down on the sand. There was no one here to worry about, so I quickly peeled off my underwear, and bra, placing them with my discarded sleep shirt. I take a deep, settling breathe before I run to the water. The water is cold against my toes, and the wind whips violently around me. I dive under, letting the cold water surround me. I jump up to the surface, the water salty on my lips. I finally turn back to see where JJ was, and I spot him still on the sand.   
“JJ, get your ass in here” I yell through chattering teeth. I watch as he rips off his shirt, and pulls down his sweatpants. He freezes again, standing naked in the moonlight. He shakes his hands out and lets out a loud whoop before he runs into the water. A bubble of laughter bursts out of me, as He bobs up, letting out a sharp yelp.   
“It’s cold,” He says swimming towards me. I meet him halfway, a wide happy smile on my face. He immediately wraps his arms around my waist, and I wrap my legs around his.   
“Baby” I mutter, though my lips were shivering, he grins. I folded my hands around his neck, pulling him tighter to my body. I let my hand run up into his wet hair, and he shuts his eyes letting out a soft hum. I place a kiss gently onto the corner of his mouth, the saltwater coating my lips. I pepper light kisses down his neck, the water lapping around us. His hand moves under my chin, as he brings my lips back up to his for a burning kiss. He tasted like the ocean, and it made me shiver against him. He pulls away, a small smile on his lips.   
“What?” I ask quietly  
“You brushed your teeth,” He remarks, and I stare at him confused. “You breathe is still minty” He explains. I shift against him, and groan lightly.   
“You're annoying” I mutter, which makes him laugh. “I had candy in my teeth, it wasn’t for you” I exclaim, glaring.   
“Sure” He nods, his voice full of amusement.   
“JJ” I complain, but he interrupts me with a dizzying kiss. I tighten my grip in his hair, and he lets out a soft moan against my lips. “It wasn’t for you” I state when we break apart.   
“Shut up and kiss me Kie” He demands, and I nod before pulling him back for another kiss. His hand slides up to my breast, gently running his fingers over my nipple, which makes heat erupt over me. I clutch my legs tighter around him, which makes him grunt out my name. He breaks away, his eyes blown, and dazed. “Fuck Kie, you make me feel so fucking crazy” he mumbles, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.   
“Isn’t that a good thing?” I ask, arching into him. He shuts his eyes and takes a small breath. When he opens his eyes, their dark and filled with something I can’t pinpoint. I lean my head back, my hair dipping delicately into the water. “You always make me feel so adventurous” I mumble, as JJ holds me steady. My hair is now fully submerged, so I move back up into JJ’s arms. His eyes are still dark, but they’re softer now. I keep one of my hands around his neck, but I let the other roam over his slick skin. “I feel so powerful around you JJ” I mumble quietly. My finger moving to trace his lips. My heart constricted in my chest, and I let out a shaky breath. I move my gaze up to meet his eyes, which are staring right back at me.   
“You're the first guy who’s made me feel sexy” I explain, the words slipping out of me. He tilts his head, slightly and I let my finger fall down his lips.   
“You’re the sexiest woman I have ever seen” He states, and again he sounds so sincere, and open it makes my chest explode. I grip his chin and capture his lips in a deep kiss. I felt my heart hum in my lips when we break apart, breathless. “When I’m wrapped up in you, I feel so… seen. Do you know what I mean?” I ask him, feeling my throat tighten.   
“I see you Kie, sometimes you’re the only thing I can see properly” He responds, his voice strong. His eyes are searching mine, and I again I feel like he can see right through me. “I sometimes think you’re the only one who can see me, or the me I want to be” He blurts, and my heart starts racing. This felt different, and it made me flush all over. I shut my eyes and lean my forehead against his. This felt more like a revelation than a sexy hookup, and I didn’t know what to do. All I really wanted was for him to kiss me, because I could understand everything when he kissed me.   
“Kiss me” I whisper, my voice sounding breathless. So he does, and all the confusion, and stress melts out of me.   
…  
A loud bang wakes me up, my heart races and my eyes survey my surroundings. I’m in the van, JJ’s limbs intertwined with mine. The loud bang sounds again, and I quickly shake JJ awake.   
“Kie” he mumbles, sounding partially annoyed.   
“Someone’s knocking” I scold, and he shoots up, his eyes wide. We fell asleep at the beach parking lot, so we had no idea who it could be. JJ grabs his shirt from the car floor, and rushes to pull on his sweatpants. He moves to the front seat, running a hand through his hair.   
“Morning” He opens the window, a cheeky smirk on his face.   
“You can’t park here overnight” The security guard responds in a flat tone. I grab my sleep shirt, and pull it on, rushing to the passenger seat.   
“Sorry, we’ll leave right away” JJ nods, his tone still jovial and light. I turn to smile apologetically and the security guards eyes widen immensely. I notice him blush and look away, I quickly pull my hair up to contain it. JJ turns to me, a cheeky smile still on his face.   
“Don’t let it happen again” The guy states, his voice low.   
“We won’t, scouts honor” JJ mocks, and I shove him lightly. “Thank you” He adds. The officer meets my gaze, and again he blushes before nodding curtly and walking away. JJ sighs loudly, turning to me. “It’s lucky you’re cute” JJ remarks smiling, I roll my eyes. As the panic of the situation lessens I notice the thick heat sticking to my body.   
“Fuck it’s hot” I groan rolling down my window. JJ starts the car, and I shift grabbing my phone. Missed call from Sarah, I quickly call her back.   
“Hey” She picks up on the first ring   
“Hey, I’m sorry. We got caught up” I remark, sighing as the air filters in through the window.   
“No, it’s fine. I just wanted to let you know your dad kind of walked in this morning” She explains, and I groan, panic dancing through me. “I told him you had to go help John B with something, and I was too lazy to get up” She adds  
“Did he buy it?” I ask   
“Ya, I had to sell it though” She laughs  
“Thank you, I owe you” I respond  
“Yes, and I want details” She commands, making me blush.   
“Yes anything, thank you again” I add   
“No problem, I’ll call you later, I have family shit” She groans dramatically making me laugh.   
“Bye” I smile hanging up. JJ turns to me with wide eyes, and I realize he never knew Sarah knows.   
“Sarah knows, and she covered for us with my dad” I explain quickly, his eyes widen   
“She knows, since when?” He looks puzzled.   
“A bit ago, she’s fine with it” I reassure, he nods simply.   
“Makes sense why she makes those faces at me” He mumbles making me laugh.   
“So am I dropping you off at your house?” He asks.   
“No, don’t want to run into my dad, just take me to the chateau” I pull my seatbelt over me.   
“But John B’s gonna see us” He explains  
“Just lie and say you picked me up” I shrug, my neck aching from the cramped sleeping position.   
“Smart” JJ points out, I nod. John B is on the front step when we pull in, and his face is stiff.   
“Hey” I step out of the car a wide smile on my face. He waves half-assed. JJ steps out, twirling the keys around his finger.   
“Just picked her lazy ass up,” JJ remarks, John B looks between us.   
“You were out all night,” John B remarks, his tone sour. I feel my heart start to race wildly, and my jaw drops slightly.   
“Well…” JJ starts but I can see he’s at a loss for words. “Fine, you caught us” He sighs, and I shake my head. There was no way he was going to tell John B right now. “We snuck out to go surfing last night  
“, and we ended up passing out in the van” JJ finishes, and I release the breathe I was holding. John B stands, his eyebrows knit together in confusion.   
“Why hide that?” He asks, and this time I step forward.   
“Well it’s been awkward with you because of Sarah, and we didn’t want that” I point out, his gaze moving to meet mine.   
“It’s really that awkward?” John B asks, and I nod vigorously.   
“Dude, you’re mopey” JJ adds, I shove him discreetly. “But that’s normal” JJ nods, and John B sighs loudly.   
“Jesus, this is all fucked” John B runs his fingers through his messy hair. “How is she?” He turns back to me.   
“Sad, confused” I admit, he nods. “You need to talk to her John B” I step forward, he nods again.   
“I will” He states, this time I nod. He’s so wrapped up, he doesn’t notice we’re not wearing bathing suits, thank god. I turn to JJ, who gives me a triumphant smile.   
“Nice one” I mouth before I run off to John B, who’s making his way back inside.


	13. Confused

“How are things with Ethan?” Pope asks, not looking up from his book. JJ and I are on the hammock, while John B and Pope sit right next to us in lawn chairs. I turn towards him, puffing out the smoke from the joint we were all smoking.   
“I think maybe that’s done,” I remark, my cheeks pink. John B and Pope both turn now eyes wide.   
“Why?” John B asks, I shrug and pass him the joint. “You don’t know why?” He utters, taking it from me.   
“Well, I guess we’re both done with it,” I say, keeping my eyes off JJ. I don’t know why I’m saying we’re done, maybe I’m sick of having to lie about Ethan.   
“Both, or you?” Pope chuckles.   
“Both, it was just sex and it was amicable” I explain, his smile is full of amusement. “Shut up” I flick a leaf at him, he chuckles.   
“Did you realize just sex is stupid?” Pope asks, his smile falling slightly. He was looking intently at me, and I felt my cheeks heat.   
“It’s not” I mumble, although I didn’t sound so sure. “Sex is fun, but then it ends” I sigh, playing with a small fallen leaf. I felt nervous and jittery. I didn't know what to say to Pope, not since that night with JJ. Was just sex stupid, did it always end with someone getting hurt? I freeze when I feel JJ’s thumb brush my thigh, lightly. My skin broke out into goosebumps, and I had to resist the urge to take his hand in mine. I hated myself right now, why was I thinking like that?! “Anyway, the real question here is when John B is going to talk to Sarah” I change the subject, also distracting myself from JJ’s fiery touch.   
“I tried, and she said she wanted to fully end things” John B states, his voice hard. They had talked, and by talked he meant he stammered and she got angry. Sarah didn't want to break up with him, but she told me it felt like there was no other option.   
“You haven’t told her, you just got scared” I huff and he waves me off.   
“Maybe it’s for the best Kie” He stares off at the water.   
“You're an idiot” I groan, making the boys laugh. My phone rings out loudly, startling me slightly. I answer it quickly when I see it’s Sarah calling.   
“Okay, please please come with me tonight” She exhales, her words rushing out.   
“What?” I ask  
“Please come with me tonight to the party, I need to get drunk and forget about John B” She explains further. She sounds kind of breathless, like she’d been running or something.   
“What are you doing?” I ask, and John B’s eyes turn to me, a curious look in his eyes.   
“I was just on the elliptical” She explains “Anyway don’t change the subject, please Kie” She exclaims.   
“Ugh, I mean, would you want to go as a group?” I ask, and John B’s eyebrows knit together.   
“Ohh” She stammers, and I shut my eyes. This whole situation was beyond stressful, and I didn’t know how to play it. I wanted to be around them both, but they were deflecting like magnets. “What does John B think about that?” She asks, her tone stiff. I don’t know if she’s annoyed or curious. I turn back to John B, and he’s taking another drag of the joint.   
“I haven’t asked,” I tell her   
“Well I mean I’m an adult, but make sure it’s okay with him” She quips.   
“Okay, I’ll ask right now,” I say. I pull the phone away from my ear “You okay if we all go tonight to a party including Sarah” I blurt out, he seems to freeze slightly.   
“No, I’m not a child” he huffs, and I refrain from rolling my eyes.   
“Okay Sarah it’s a go,” I tell her  
“Ohh, okay, well then we’ll meet there?” She asks   
“Ya, just text me, or do you need a ride?” I ask quickly   
“No, I can get a ride with my brother,” She says, I nod even though she can’t see me.   
“Kay, see you tonight then” I muse  
“Ya, bye Kie” She hangs up.   
“You sure you’ll be fine,” I ask placing my phone down on my chest.   
“What do you think will happen” He huffs, and I shrug.   
“Ya Kie they are both so mature” JJ comments, sarcasm lacing his words. John B chucks a can at him, but it hits me instead. JJ takes it from my hand and throws it back, it hits John B in the chest with a sharp clank. Pope and JJ burst out laughing, while John B hides a smile with a glare.   
…  
I dig my toes into the soft sand breathing in the salty ocean air. Bubble touches my toes, and I can hear the family behind me laughing loudly together. I turn, and the girl with caramel eyes is staring at my surfboard with a look of amazement. Her eyes slowly travel up to meet mine, her dropped lifting into a pleasant smile. She rushed over to her mom who was helping her brother pack together a messy looking sandcastle, her eyes never leaving mine. I turn my gaze back to the water, ready to let the waves distract me. I made an excuse to the boys that I needed to help my dad with something, so that I could go surfing by myself. Usually, we’d all go, but I needed to clear my head and get away from JJ’s alluring stare. My head was all twisted with stupid mushy thought, and I needed it to stop. I felt a pang hit my chest as my thoughts moved over JJ. I shook my head and started into the refreshing water. It was scorching out, the sun felt like it was pointing directly at me. I dunk under the water before I slide onto my surfboard, the water instantly cooling me down. I drew in a steadying breath before I started paddling out. The rhythm of my arms pulled me into a trance, only focusing on the water, and oncoming waves. When I’m far enough, I sit up, searching for a ridable wave. I run my finger over my surfboard, the fresh wax sliding onto my finger. Surfing had always been a getaway for me, a way for me to just be me. Whenever I was stressed or frustrated I’d go surfing, and it would always give me the clarity I needed. I duck dive under the water, as I notice an upcoming wave. I shift, and paddle back, waiting for the wave to scoop me under, so I can stand. I feel the adrenaline rush through me as my legs bend, and balance. The wind whipped my hair back and surged me forward as the wave started to turn into a small tunnel. I let myself fall, as the wave broke, becoming foray bubbles on the surface. I swim to my board, pulling myself up in one big huff. I caught wave after wave, surfing until my bones felt like jelly and my skin started to prune. The day seemed to morph into the evening in a blink of an eye. The waves calmed, and everything around me became quiet as orange coated the sky. I lay flat on my board, my eyes glued to the changing skyline. My heart is still thumping loudly, and I can feel the burn in my lungs, but I felt peaceful, happy. The orange sky burned bright red at the edges, like it was setting on fire. I turn to the water, my hand skimming the surface. I finally let myself think of something besides surfing and of course, his bright stupid smile burned behind my eyelids. I wanted him to be here, I wanted to watch the sky burn with him and it made me feel completely pathetic. What the fuck was going on with me. Why couldn’t it just be sex, why did I have to.. I couldn’t even say it, even in my mind, it was too hard to articulate. I sit up, my legs straddling the surfboard. I turn back to the shore and notice that most of the people are packed up or packing up for the day. The sun was setting, so I probably should head back too. I hesitated, my heart pounding for another reason. Was I suppose to tell him? Was I suppose to end it, go back to being friends, just Pogues? I didn’t know, and it made me anxious, so anxious a nauseous feeling stretched over me. I paddled to shore, my arms aching, and my head pounding. I shoved my shirt over my still wet bathing suit, the material instantly sticking to me. I’m about to grab my phone when I hear someone call my name, so I look up. I spot Ethan making his way over to me, an easy smile on his face. I smile, but honestly, I was exhausted and couldn't find it in me to have a conversation.   
“Hey,” I say once he’s in earshot. He stops in front of me, one of his hands moving to run through his hair.   
“Hey” He grins. I stand and pull my board up with me. His eyes roam over me, falling onto my wet chest. “Just coming in?” He asks, averting his eyes.   
“Ya, been out there all day,” I say, he nods.   
“Oh, nice” He nods, and I stand there awkwardly. “So you going to Freddie’s party tonight?” He blurts, his voice rising slightly.   
“Ya, we’re all going” I answer him, he nods. “I wanted to tell you, I called it off. Us to my friends I mean. I told them we just finished amicably” I ramble, he tilts his head, before he nods curtly. “Just so we didn't have to lie anymore, we can be friends, we are friends.” I laugh, he nods again.   
“That’s great, do you plan on telling them about JJ?” He asks, and I instantly feel defensive.   
“No, um, that might be over anyway” I explain, the word falling out of me. Was it going to end? Why would I say that, Jesus. “Maybe, ugh you know it’s complicated” I rectify, but the uneasiness of that statement stuck with me. It would have to end, would it be better to end it now?   
“Oh, okay, um well I’m glad we can go back to normal” He chuckles, I nod, and feel my cheeks flush.   
“Ya, I actually should go, I have to meet Sarah” I lie. I just needed to get out of this conversation.   
“Okay, see you tonight,” He says, I smile encouragingly and grab my bag before I start to my car. What was wrong with me lately, I had no idea what I was saying. I tie my board onto the rood of my car, and hop into my car, sighing loudly. What the fuck was going on!  
…  
Freddie’s driveway is packed with cars, so I have to park on the street. My bathing suit is still a bit damp, so my shirt has two wide see-through areas on it, but my hair is basically dry which is a plus. I have to zigzag through the cars and then the groups of loud drunk teenagers. I pull out my phone and send Sarah a message, the dots pop up immediately.   
“Out back,” She writes “By the pool” She adds quickly. I shove my phone back into my back pocket and start pushing past people towards the back door. I spot Sarah right away, she’s laughing loudly with Topper. She reaches out touching his shoulder lightly, one of her signature flirt moves.   
“Hey” I interrupt, they both turn, and Sarah’s smile widens as she pulls me into a very tight hug.   
“Kie, I’m so glad you’re here” She squeals delighted.   
“You already tipsy?” I laugh, she giggles and nods.   
“Toppers fault though, he makes the most delicious drink” She turns to him with a seductive smile. He blushes and runs a hand through his short blonde hair.   
“I can make you one Kie,” He says, coughing slightly.   
“No thanks, I’m good” I assure him, he nods.   
“Kie, come on, party” She wiggles her hips and winks, which makes me laugh lightly.   
“Someone needs to be sober Sarah” I explain, she shakes her head.   
“No, come on please, drink with me, have some fun” She whines, taking my hands in hers. To be honest I wanted to just let loose and not think for the night. Maybe a couple of drinks would keep the wild thoughts out of my head for a bit, or at least give me another distraction from them. “Kie” She smiles widely   
“Sure, okay ya” I laugh, she squeals again and turns to Topper.   
‘She’ll have one Top” She giggles, he nods. I watch as he walks towards the bar, stopping to greet a couple of people along the way.   
“What’s with that?” I ask her, as she sucks her drink through a straw.   
“What?” She asks innocently.   
“You're flirting with your ex-boyfriend,” I say, she laughs and shakes her head.   
“We’re friends” She explains, but I could see the flush on her cheeks. “It’s nothing” She adds. Suddenly I’m being lifted and spun, and I let out a small squawk of surprise. I turn and push the person once my feet land back on the ground, JJ laughs.   
“What the fuck” I manage, a bit dizzy.   
“Sorry couldn’t resist” He smiles, and that’s when I notice Pope and John B laughing along. “Where have you been all day?” He asks, his smile dropping slightly.   
“I told you, helping my dad” I lie again, he looks unconvinced.   
“That’s why your shirts wet, and your hair is curlier than it was this morning, which happens after you get it wet” He points out, and I stand there slightly shocked. “Just saying” He adds, stepping back a little bit.   
“Fine I was surfing” I admit, he nods.   
“You didn't want us there?” John B steps in, a smile on his face.   
“No, I needed a break from all the testosterone” I grin, and he nudges me lightly. That’s when Topper shows up, my drink In his hand. I take it from him “Thank you” I murmur, trying to gauge John B’s response.   
“Topper” JJ is the first to say something, an easy, but stiff smile on his face. “How is it going?” He asks, the humour in his voice. Topper looks over everyone before his gaze lands on JJ’s, a nervous look in his eyes.   
“Fine, you?” He asks, and I distract myself by taking a sip of the drink. It’s sugary and sour, but I can’t taste the alcohol.   
“What the fuck is this?” I ask, he turns to me a smile on his face.   
“fruit juice with vodka and Sour puss” He laughs, I nod taking another sip.   
“Top you want to go play Beer pong?” Sarah interjects, her words coming out a bit rushed. Her cheeks were pink, and I think it was from the alcohol running through her. John B’s face stiffens as his gaze locks onto Sarah.   
“Sure” He nods, kind of awkwardly. She nods turning to me with a wide smile, before taking Topper's hand.   
“Join us Kie” She chirps, I freeze. Fuck, this was getting stupid!   
“Ugh, In a bit, gonna drink this first,” I tell her, pointing to the drink. Her eyes move to John B’s and she looks at him with a rebellious look, one that he matches with a dark stare.   
“Kay” She says before pulling Topper towards the Beer pong table.   
“Since when are they, friends?” Pope asks once they leave.   
“I don’t know” I admit, sighing. John B look at me, a clear question in his eye, he’s asking “What now.” I don’t know, so instead, I started downing my very sweet, and sour drink.   
“Geez” Pope comments, I lick my lips, and wince slightly.   
“I’m gonna go get another drink,” I say, feeling the thud of my heartbeat in my cheeks. I start towards the bar, feeling the weight of the situation hit me. I knew John B wanted answers but I had none, I hardly had answers to my own questions. I mix a couple of drinks into my cup, trying to recreate the drink, but it’s completely different. I chug it anyway, just needing a new kind of buzz in my head. I grab a shot of vodka and quickly throw that back, the tingle starting low in my belly. I pour myself another one when I feel someone come up behind me.   
“Someone’s celebrating” It’s Ethan.   
“Just letting loose,” I remark sourly, taking the shot quickly.   
“No particular reason?” He laughs, his smile wide.   
“Nope” I laugh, grabbing my drink and starting back to the group.   
“Want to dance?” He asks, and I turn back, the memory of the dance playing over in my head.   
“I don’t think that’s the best idea” I admit, he chuckles but shrugs.   
“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” He says, and the words send a weird wave of nausea over me.   
“Never does” I whisper, and he squints, looking confused. “I’m, um no not right now,” I tell him moving back to the boys who are all staring intently at me. I freeze, the questions already forming in my head. I didn’t want to answer anything I just wanted to.. I don’t even know.   
“Shots” I call out to the boys, and Pope is the first to rush over, an amused look on his face. “Shots?” I ask again, he nods slowly. “Shots Ethan?” I ask, he looks confused but he follows us anyway. I pour us all shots, avoiding JJ’s curious looks.   
“To getting fucked up boys” I smile, clinking my shot against theirs, some of the liquid spills over my fingers. I quickly shoot it back, some over the spilt liquor runs down my neck and into my cleavage. “Shit,” I say wiping at my neck. Ethan reaches over with a napkin, slowly running it down my neck. “Thanks” I mumble, my cheeks burning, he nods. I catch JJ’s eyes, and I can see the confusion mixed with annoyance on his face. So instead of focusing on it, I take another shot. The liquid swirls inside of me, relating a drowsiness over my body. My skin was flushed and tingling, and my head started fogging over. I was tipsy, I could feel the alcohol in my blood, and it made me laugh lightly.   
“I’m gonna go dance,” I remark, Pope chuckles, but JJ’s still staring intently at me. My head spins and I reach out to steady myself, my hand grabbing hold of Ethan’s arm.   
“You okay?” He asks   
“Ya, just got dizzy” I smile, pushing past him. The music vibrated through me, and I could feel my body moving along with it. I loved to dance, usually by myself in my room, but right now I couldn’t care less. I spin around, the breeze moving under my shirt, making it balloon up exposing my stomach. I laughed, and it echoed through me, the tingle back in my fingers. I stop abruptly, noticing the boys stare on me, which only made me let out a loud giggle. “I’m spinning” I quip, a wide smile on my face. Pope shakes his head and gives me a small smile. John B just laughs turning away from me, and JJ’s eyes move slowly over me. I can feel my heavy heartbeat in my cheeks as his gaze latched onto mine. He tilts his head, and a genuine smile grows on his face, making my heart race. It’s that damn expression again, the one that makes me feel see-through, and exposed. I want to pull him to me and kiss the expression away, but I can’t because it would change everything. That familiar panic seizes me again, and I can feel the lighthearted spinning moment is long gone. I turn away from him, taking a deep, steadying breath, and run my fingers through my hair. I felt shaky and annoyed, and the alcohol wasn’t helping. I felt two hands grip my hips pulling me back, a squeal of surprise escapes my lips. When I turned around, I wasn’t met with one of the Pogues, but Rafe, Sarah’s brother. I pull away from his harsh grip, my head spinning slightly.   
“Kie” he mumbles, his eyes faded. I could tell he was wasted by the glaze over his eyes, and the wide unbothered smile.   
“What do you want?” I ask, as he steps forward, his smile morphing into something more seductive.   
“You look like you could use a partner” He slurs, and my face contorts with disgust.   
“Fuck off” I’m about to push past him, when he grips my waist again, this time much harder.   
“Don’t tease me Kie” He whispers, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. I know Rafe, and I know what he’s like when he’s completely obliterated. I keep my face straight when I turn to his smiling one.   
“Get off of me” I state, amusement fills his eyes and he lets out a low chuckle. He pulls me flush against his chest, the air roughly leaving my lungs. I can smell the alcohol on him, as his hand moves up my side. I push at him roughly, panic rising through me. His grip is solid, and he hardly moves when I thrash against him.   
“Come on Kie, one dance” He smiles down at me. His eyes are dark, and if I’m honest fear crawls up my spine. He’s moving us in circles, and the action is making me dizzy and irritated.   
“Kie” I hear JJ’s voice, and I crane my neck to look at him. He has a hard look on his face, and he’s silently asking if I need him. I push away, and he’s distracted enough by JJ that I actually slip through his grip.   
“Don’t ever touch me again” I spit, anger surging through me. I feel JJ come up next to me, his arm brushing against mine. Rafe looks between us, a harsh laugh escaping his lips.   
“Hey, I was just having some fun” He smiles at me, I roll my eyes. He turns to JJ now, his smile more sinister. “You know how fun she can be, right JJ” Rafe winks, and I stare at him confused. JJ steps forward, his body rigid, and tight with anger.   
“Why don’t you shut the fuck up Rafe,” JJ remarks, his tone low.   
“Touchy” Rafe laughs, reaching out to tap him on the shoulder, but JJ shifts quickly, dodging his hand. “She must be really fun if you’re getting this mad” Rafe snips, and in a blink of an eye JJ punched him, Rafe stumbles backwards, blood pouring from his nose. Rafe smears the blood across his face before jumping forward, arm locked to punch him back. Rafe’s arm bursts forward, but JJ ducks just before it connects with his jaw and tackles him into the hard concrete. Hands are flying, and people have now stopped to stare and cheer them on.  
“JJ” I yell, and he turns back, his eyes locking with mine. Realization crosses his features, and I can see he’s about to pull away, that is until Rafe’s fist connects with his face. I jump forward, panic seizing me, but someones holding me back. I thrash against them as Rafe punches again, crying out JJ’s name again and again. JJ grabs him by the neck, Rafe lets out a small strangled cry, and everyone goes quiet.   
“Don’t you ever fucking touch her again” JJ spits, blood dripping down his chin and neck. I manage to break out of whoever’s holding me, grip, so I run forward.   
“JJ” I call, he turns, and I reach out grabbing his shoulder. “Come on” I urge, my voice wobbly and uneven. He releases Rafe, who sucks in a breath, coughing loudly. I pull him up, my heart hammering wildly in my chest.   
“Fuck you Maybank” Rafe spits, blood staining his white teeth. JJ freezes, and so do I.   
“If you touch her again, or even think about her, trust me when I say it’ll be a lot worse than this” JJ declares, a snarl in his voice. I pull at him again, fearing that Rafe with say something again. He’s breathing hard, and his skin is burning as I pull him away from the crowd. Everyone seems to take the hint and moves back to whatever they were doing before.   
“Kie” Sarah pushes forward, her face twisted and her eyes wide. She looks at JJ, her face morphing into sadness. “What happened?” She asks, I notice Topper behind her.   
“Your fucking brother happened” JJ states angrily, I squeeze his hand. Sarah looks horrified, and I give her a reassuring smile.   
“He has just been a creep,” I say, not wanting to rehash the details.   
“I’m sorry” She steps forward and pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry JJ” She turns to him, and I can see the anger has melted slightly.   
“We don’t choose family” He responds quietly, and I feel my heart break again. I pull off my shirt, since I have a bathing suit on and JJ’s eyes widen.   
“Sit” I command, pointing to the ledge, and he sits. I lean over the bar and pour some water onto my shirt.   
“Kie, you don’t have to do that,” He says just as I bend down and start wiping the blood off his chin.   
“Shut up” I sigh.   
“What the fuck just happened?” Pope rushes in, his eyes wide. JJ’s face flushes, as I continue wiping his chin and jaw.   
“Rafe being Rafe,” I say, Pope sits down next to JJ, and claps him on the back.   
“Dude” He laughs, and JJ chuckles lightly.   
“Shit man are you okay?” John B asks, and I notice he’s trying to keep his eyes away from Sarah and Topper. “Fine” JJ nod before he winces slightly. “You need to ice your cheek or it’ll swell,” I say, he looks down at me, and nods. I wanted to thank him, properly but it felt like my mouth was full of sand. I felt incredibly guilty, and I could shake it. I’m about to pull away when he takes my hand in his squeezing slightly.   
“You okay?” He asks, his eyes intense. He was the one who got hurt and he’s asking me if I’m okay?!   
“I’m Fine” I try to smile but I know it looks awkward and forced. I stand and turn away from him, my head beginning to pound.   
“Kie” He whispers, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. I give him a small smile telling him we’ll talk later, alone, he nods.


	14. Spill Your Guts

I tiptoe down the hall, making sure not to wake my sleeping parents. My phone beeps loudly in the empty hall, and I freeze, waiting to see if it woke them up. I don’t hear anything so I rush quickly to my room, shutting the door quietly behind me. I check my phone, it’s a text from Sarah, apologizing for the fifth time to tonight. I throw my phone onto my bed and it lands with a swift thump before I head to the bathroom. I peel off my bathing suit and short, and turn on my shower. Maybe a shower will help clear my spinning head. I catch my reflection and freeze. The purple hickey on my collarbone catches my eye, it sticks out against my skin. The hot water starts fogging up the mirror, condensation drips down, over my reflection. I reach up, placing my finger gently against the spot, a tingle ripples over me. I peel my gaze away from my refection and move under the hot water. I let the hot water run over me, my ears clog, and only the soft hum of water fills my ears. I shut my eyes, and let the murmured sounds of my surroundings lull me. A loud clink against the glass, startles me, and sends me rushing backward, slamming into the shower wall. My heart is beating loudly, and I quickly wrap my arms around myself. JJ looks sheepish, while I try to calm my racing heart.   
“What the fuck” I open the shower door just an inch, enough so he could hear me.   
“Sorry I climbed in through the window” He points backward, and I stare at him wide-eyed.   
“You fucking scared me” I breathe, my heart finally starting to settle into a normal pace. He looks remorsefully at me, his cheeks pink, as his eyes begin roaming down my body. “JJ” I mumble, his gaze springs back up.   
“Sorry” he nods, and I can’t help the small laugh that escapes my lips. “You want company?” He asks, his tone low. I felt the all too familiar heat in my lower stomach. My eyes travel over him, landing on the dried blood under his chin.   
“Only because you need a shower” I exclaim, moving back into the hot shower. JJ peels off his clothes quickly before he slides in, shutting the door gently.   
“Jesus, Kie, this is too hot” he jumps away from the water, and I laugh lightly, turning the water temperature down, just a little bit. He ducks under the water, letting out a small sigh of relief. The water cascades down his body, matting his hair to his forehead, I reach up and push it away. He takes my wrist and pulls me flush against him with an airy laugh. He bends down and captures my lips, water falling over both of us. I wrap my arms around his neck, and melt further into him, my skin tingling. When we pull away, he has a small smile on his face, his eyes are squinted due to the water falling into them. I move my finger gently across his face landing on the cut sliced through his lip.   
“I didn’t say thank you” I mumble, as he shifts so that the water isn’t falling into his eyes.   
“You don’t have to” He replies, I shake my head.   
“I do” I whisper, running my finger along his bottom lip, gently. “Thank you” I add   
“Hey, seriously Kie you don’t need to thank me, what happened tonight shouldn’t have happened and it’s not on you” He states, his tone hard. “You shouldn’t have to go through that, ever” He exclaims. I let my hand fall to his shoulder, and I squeeze it.   
“It’s okay” I mumble, feeling my cheeks flush.   
“It’s not” He shakes his head, and I can tell he’s really bothered by this.   
“You were there JJ, nothing happened” I assure him, he sighs, tilting his head down.   
“What if I hadn’t been there,” He asks quietly.   
“I’m strong, and you were there for me” I smile, placing my fingers under his chin, and tilting his head back up. “You’re always there” I smile gratefully. I step up on my tiptoes and place a small kiss against his lips. “Now turn around,” I say, and he tilts his head confused.   
“I don’t think that’s how shower sex works” He mutters, I laugh and shove him. I bend down and grab my shampoo squirting some into the palm of my hand. Realization crosses his face, and he turns so his back is facing me. I lather it in,, the white suds expanding over his hair. I run my nails lightly across his scalp, and he leans back into me.   
“Okay turn towards me,” I say, pulling my hands away. He turns, some of the soap leaking down on his forehead. I reach up pushing the soap back into his hair, as well as running my fingers through the front of his hair, so I can cover everywhere.   
“You’re really thorough” He laughs  
“This is what you’re supposed to do” I mumble, tongue out in concentration. “Okay you can wash it out” I smile, he nods, stepping back into the spray. He runs his fingers through his hair, the soap splashes into the drain. He shakes out his hair before pushing it back and stepping out of the water.   
“My turn,” He says, so I hand him the shampoo. He pours a lot into his hand, and I turn so he can lather it into my hair. His fingers move gently through my curls, it’s actually really relaxing. “You have so much hair” He mumbles quietly, it makes me smile to myself. His fingers work their way up into my scalp, massaging gently. “Okay turn” He instructs, and I listen. He smiles at me amused as his fingers work through the front of my hair.   
“This is nice” I sigh, closing my eyes. His lips connect with mine, and I make a noise of surprise before I melt into the kiss. I could taste the shampoo on his lips, but it didn't bother me, now when his soapy hands were wandering over my naked body. “I have to wash it, I’m gonna get shampoo in my eyes” I break away, keeping my eyes closed. He leads me to the water, his hands firmly on my hips. I rinse the shampoo out, the sound of the water hitting the tile, echoes around us. “You can put conditioner in your hair, it’s gonna sit in for a bit” I instruct as I continue rinsing out my dense curls.   
“Which ones conditioner?” He asks  
“Green bottle” I reply. I finally open my eyes and spot JJ massaging Conditioner into his hair, a look of concentration on his face. I ring out my hair, and move out of the spray, he shifts so I can move beside him.   
“This is a lot” he comments, as I work the conditioner into the ends of my hair.   
“Why do you think I have such nice hair” I smile, he grins back.   
“You do have great hair” He relents, I nod. I bend down and pick up my face scrub, I can feel JJ, s hand smooth down my back gently.   
“Hey, no funny business,” I say, and he raises his eyebrows a soft laugh escaping his lips.   
“Funny business?” He says, I nod, scooping out some of my scrub, enough for both of us. “Why?” He whines, his hands moving back to my hips. I reach up, spreading the stuff onto his cheeks, he leans away a grossed out look on his face.   
“It’s a face scrub, you baby” I laugh, and he shifts forward. I spread an even layer onto his skin before moving to mine.   
“I want to” He says quickly, picking some of the scrub upon his finger. He spreads it gently, like he’s scared to push too hard and hurt me, it makes me smile. I reach up, and scrub gently at his nose and cheeks, working the scrub gently into his skin.   
“Is this suppose to be rough?” He asks, I nod in response. “Do you do this every time you shower?” He asks   
“No, only one a week or so” I mumble as he starts rubbing my cheeks gently.   
“Weird,” He says, I laugh.   
“Is this why you have such soft skin?” He asks, and I flush.   
“No, it’s shea butter, that’s after” I explain, he nods. I gently push him back into the water, so he can wash out his hair and mask. As his eyes are shut and he’s running his hands through his hair, I let my eyes roam over him. Starting at his long neck that stretches into his broad shoulders. I stop at the small scars scattered over his chest, some small, some long and wide. I reach out, tracing a long one down to his bellybutton. I stop, my eyes moving over the hard planes of his chest, the contracting muscles as he moves hands in and out of his hair. I follow the path of hair leading down to his pubic bone, my eyes running along his half-hard penis. I remembered girls commenting that JJ was well endowed. I always chalked it up to gossip or assumption rather than fact. But he is big, bigger than I expected, I would say bigger than average boys his age. It’s weird to think about other girls seeing it, amongst other things, it leaves a sour feeling inside of me. Not for the fact that he has a past, everyone does. More than it isn’t just mine, which is completely ridiculous considering he’s not mine. I feel a sudden pang of jealousy and possessiveness course through me, which so completely ridiculous, I’ve never been the jealous type. Was it weird that I thought of him as mine, that I thought of his penis as mine, but not in a nobody can look at him way, more of a I’m the only one who gets this part of him? God Kie, get a grip, that is completely insane!   
“Kie” JJ’s voice breaks through my ludicrous thoughts.   
“Ya,” I mumble, my gaze moving back up to meet his.   
“You okay?” He smiles, an amused look on his face.   
“Ya,” I nod, as he moves out from under the water, so I can step under. I let the water wash over me, keeping one of my hands flat against the wall, keeping me steady. I tilt my head up, the water splashing against my face, and falling down the front of me. Maybe I was feeling possessive over him because I’ve never been this intimate with anyone. I’ve never experimented with someone so much. That had to be it, right?! I was just feeling territorial over someone who has basically introduced me to sex, good sex. When I open my eyes, JJ’s staring at me with a wicked smirk.   
“What?” I huff, he looks me up and down, and I flush.   
“I can’t tell you” He states, and I give him a wide-eyed look.   
“Why?” I ask, he looks away from me his cheeks pink. He grans the body wash and hands it to me. “JJ” I urge, and he sighs.   
“You’ll freak out” He laughs, I shake my head pouring some body wash in my hand before I hand it to him.   
“No I won’t” I assure, he looks hesitant as I start lathering my arms and chest.   
“I was just thinking about how…” He pauses and blushes again   
“I won’t freak out, come on” I nudge him, he sighs   
“I just kind of feel lucky that I get to see you like this, that this is just between us” He mumbles, and my jaw almost drops. “Is that like weirdly possessive or something” he laughs, I shake my head.   
“I was just looking at your penis and I got mad that other girls got to see it” I blurt, the words flowing out of me. He looks slightly taken back, but then he bursts out laughing, and I stare at him shocked.   
“Fuck you” I push him, he shakes his head taking my hands in his.   
“How is it possible, sometimes I think you’re fucking with me” He grins, and I stare confused “We have the same thoughts, and it’s crazy because I..” He pauses, and I can feel my heart race.   
“What?” I ask, he licks his lips.   
“I think it’s crazy because It’s still a surprise to me that you like having sex with me” he explains, and I stare at him wide-eyed   
“Why is that surprising?” I huff, he runs his fingers through his wet hair.   
“It’s just, you know you’re Kie, you’re kind of out of my league, you’re smart” He explains, his cheeks turning pink again. “It’s not a big deal, I’m the local trash and you’re meant for bigger things” He states it so casually it makes my heart feel like it’s being squeezed. I quickly rinse myself off and step out fo the shower grabbing my towel. “Kie” He calls, shutting the water off. He steps out, and grabs the towel off the hand rack, it’s small and only sort of covers him. “What the fuck” he huffs as I storm out of the bathroom into my room. “Kie it’s not a big deal okay” He sounds less confused now, as he steps into the room.   
“Well it is to me” I turn to him, anger pouring out of me.   
“Why?” He asks, the confusion back on his face.   
“You think your trash and I’m so much above you?” I whisper yell, realizing my parents are down the hall, he sighs and runs his finger through his hair, a nervous tick of his.   
“I just think you’re meant for more” He explains, and I scoff, which makes him even more confused. “That’s a compliment” He adds, and I roll my eyes.   
“You’re so dumb. I am not above you okay, in any fucking way” I wave my hands around, and his face seems to freeze. “Just because your dad is trash doesn’t mean you are, and just because my family has money doesn’t make me more entitled to better things than you” I express, stepping closer to him. “You’re loyal, and kind despite all the fucked up shit you’ve been through, and that’s fucking amazing JJ, it’s a fucking miracle okay” I huff, and his eyes widen. “You kind of astound me JJ, sometimes I sit and think how the fuck did he turn out so good, so beautiful with what happened to him. So please stop telling me I’m better than you because I’m not” I take his hand in mine, squeezing lightly. He doesn’t say anything, his eyes locked onto mine. I pull my hand away, about to go to my closet when JJ pulls me roughly against his chest. He takes my face in his hands and he captures my lips in a bruising kiss. I wrap my arms around him, as he lifts me off the ground, the kiss makes my head spin. I can feel how fast his heart is beating, it thumps against my bare chest. We break apart both of us breathing hard. His lips are swollen and his eyes are blown, he looks just as wrecked as I feel. I lead him to the bed, crawling under the blankets first, he follows I turn so that my back is against his chest, as his arms envelop me, caging me against him. I pull off my towel and throw it, wanting to feel his skin against mine. He kisses my shoulder before he melts back into the pillow, and I melt back into him.  
“Thank you Kie” He mumbles against my skin, it sends waves of goosebumps over me. I intertwine out fingers, and pull his hand up to my lips, placing a soft kiss to his knuckles, before I wrap it tightly around me.   
…  
“Kie” Someone nudge me gently, my eyes flutter open, and Sarah comes into view. She’s dressed in the same thing she was wearing yesterday, and her makeup is smeared.   
“Sarah” I mumble, sleep lacing my voice.   
“Sorry to interrupt, I really need to talk” She states, and that’s when JJ’s hand draped across me registers. We were both naked and entangled. I shift back, and JJ moans, turning his head to face me. He licks his lips and lets out a soft snore.   
“JJ” I whisper, his eyelashes move slightly, but he doesn't budge. “JJ,” I say again, and his eyes open, a soft smile bursting onto his face. “Sarah’s here,” I say quickly, and he turns quickly, pulling the blanket off of me. I squeak and pull it back, as Sarah waves a small blush on her cheeks.   
“What the fuck” He sits up, and Sarah giggles.   
“I just really need to talk to Kie, so could you get dressed and leave” She huffs, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He turns to me, and I give him a small encouraging smile.   
“What time is it?” He yawns, scratching his eyes.   
“Seven,” Sarah answers, both of our eyes widen immensely “Sorry” She shrugs. JJ pulls one of the blankets with him, and runs to the bathroom to change. “So you had a fun night” She winks   
“It wasn’t like that” I blush, and I realize I’m telling the truth. Last night wasn’t just sex, it was something.. more.   
“You're both naked” She points out   
“Ya, never mind” I reply. I drag the blanket to the closet, and quickly pull on an oversized shirt and some shorts. JJ’s rushing out, his shirt tucked under his arm, and his hair disheveled.   
“I’m going” He sighs, and Sarah smiles happily. He turns to me, and smiles, I smile back leaning against my closet door. He’s about to move out of the window when he rushes back, pulling me into a deep kiss, one that made my toes curl. “Bye” He smiles before rushing back out the window.   
“Okay, I want to examine that but” Sarah squeals, and I turn towards her, my cheeks flushed. “I have something to tell you” She pats the bed for me to sit down.   
“Why do I have a bad feeling?” I laugh, sitting down. She seems jittery, as she cracks her knuckles and shakes out her hands. “Sarah” I urge, and she meets my gaze with wide eyes.   
“I slept with Topper last night” She blurts


	15. Last Hurrah

“You slept with Topper” I repeat, my jaw dropped in shock, and a bit of horror. She bites down on her bottom lip, and moves her head up and down in response. “You slept with Topper” This time it feels like I’m saying it more to myself.   
“Yes, now please stop saying that” She blurts, her tone frantic. I nod, but the words are on my lips again because I have no idea what else to say. I didn't even know how to feel about it, scratch that, I was definitely grossed out and confused. “You can say something else” She mutters, her eyes wide.   
“I don’t know what to say” I answer honestly, she nods again. I pull my knees up to my chest, as her lower lip begins to quiver.   
“You think I’m gross right, I mean I think I’m gross” She commented quickly. I could hear the spiral in her voice, the billions of thought coursing through her head right now. I reach out, and squeeze her knee gently, she looks up curiously. “I don’t think you're gross, I’m just confused” I assure her, she seems to relax slightly, but the tension is still tight in her shoulders.   
“I was drunk and lonely” She explains, pulling her legs under her so that she’s sitting on her feet. “I was also angry at John B and Topper was being so nice, and all I know is that I wanted to do it in that moment” She whispers, her eyes darting back down to the bed. “I wanted to so badly, and now I feel terrible, but I shouldn’t, or should I?” She asks quickly, her eyes pleading with mine.   
“You aren’t with John B so you don’t need to feel terrible, but..” I pause, and she looks like she might burst at the seams. “But, if you want to get back together with John B you need to be honest with him” I continue.   
“John B and I are done” She responded quickly, her tone sharp.   
“Okay” I nod  
“We are, he’s made it clear and I think I’m just feeling guilty because It hasn’t been that long and you know” She stammers, I nod along. I knew she was just saying this because she thinks John B isn’t willing to commit to her, and she wants to act like it doesn’t bother her, but there’s no way I’m telling her that. “You know I shouldn’t feel bad, I’m single and it was fun” She stands quickly, a smile growing on her face. “Maybe I need to be single and just have fun, like you, take sex and love into my own hands” She exclaims excitedly. I froze, I wanted to tell her it doesn’t work that it always ends with feelings, usually unrequited, but my mouth feels like it’s glued shut. Did last night change things between us, or was I his security blanket, someone who made him feel good. I wanted to make him feel good, but I also wanted... more. The thought made me cringe slightly, and clamp my hands shut tightly. I liked JJ, and I was pretty sure he didn't have the same feelings for me.   
“Kie” Sarahs voice breaks my JJ trance. My eyes spring up to meet hers, and I blink at her confused. “Coffee and beach?” She laughs, I nod, standing. I move to my closet to change, while Sarah pulls out her cell phone and jumps back onto my bed.   
“Oh, I forgot to ask” She starts, her eyes still glued to her phone. “What was that this morning with JJ” She looks up, and smirks. I turn away, acting like I’m rummaging through my closet.   
“Nothing, we just fell asleep” I reply lamely   
“That’s it?” I shift and pull out my bikini.   
“Ya, that’s it, like you said taking sex into my own hands” I laugh, but it sounded fake and too high pitched.   
“Oh my god, we’re both single and having fun, we can have a hot girl summer” She squeals, and I roll my eyes chuckling lightly. I felt my heart squeeze in my chest as last night burned inside my head, playing over behind my eyes.   
…  
“You sure,” I ask apprehensively as Sarah walks with determination towards the Chateau. We spent all day at the beach and now that the sun is setting she’s determined to tell John B that they can be friends even after everything.   
“Yes, we’re not fifteen” She groans, her hair flying behind her. The boys are sitting together drinking and laughing when Sarah rushes towards them. JJ’s the first to turn, his eyes locking onto mine. A soft smile grows on his face, and I can’t help the identical one that grows on mine. “We need to talk” Sarah states, her hands now on her hips. My gaze moves away from JJ toward John B, who looks a bit shocked and scared.   
“About?” He stammers, turning to face her, she paces from one foot to the other.   
“Our friendship” She explains, his eyebrows knit together. “I know we just broke up, but I’m mature enough and I hope you are that we can be friends” She continues, the braveness in her voice diminishing just the tiniest bit. He just stares, his mouth slightly open in shock, which urges her on. “Kie’s my friend and she’s obviously yours too, so it would be easier for all of us if we just got over this” She rambles on, her nervousness showing through.   
“Okay” John B responded, his voice squeaky and small.   
“Okay,” She repeats, sounding a bit skeptical.   
“Ya, I mean it makes sense” John B shrugs, his eyes bright, she nods. “No weirdness” He agrees, standing up and extending his hand to her. She stares down at his hand, her mouth agape.   
“That’s weird” Pope comments  
“Totally” JJ agrees, Sarah laughs loudly, and then she pulls him into a short hug. The shock is evident on John B’s face, but he hugs her back.   
“So, are you guys down for a party at Toppers?” She asks, shoving her hands into her pockets.   
“Kook Party” JJ groans, and Sarah hits him lightly with the back of her hand.   
“Topper isn’t that bad, but ya there will be Kooks there” Sarah sits down next to John B. “Everyone will be there” Sarah adds, squinting at JJ, who sighs placing his hands behind his head.   
“Ya, I don’t know” Pope murmurs, eyes on me.   
“Come on, he’s rich witch means good booze” She exclaims, a chuckle drops from my lips. I shove JJ over and plop down onto the hammock with him in a heap. JJ grabs my calf, and pulls me closer to him, and I shiver at the contact.   
“Good booze, I’m down” JJ nods in agreement, Sarah smiles widely, turning her gaze to me.   
“I don’t know, I’m kind of exhausted” I murmur, my cheeks flushed. I wasn’t exhausted I just needed some space from JJ to figure things out.   
“Kie” JJ shakes me lightly, I laugh. “You're coming” he adds, and I shake my head, which makes his eyebrow arch up in a challenge.   
“Don’t” I warn, already catching his hand inching towards me   
“You know I have to” He shrugs, I groan loudly, and brace myself for the light nudge that tips me off the hammock. The hammock pulls back quickly, and JJ falls off in the process, and I let out a loud bubbly laugh.   
“That’s what you get” I choke out still laughing loudly. He stands, laughing, along with Pope, John B, and Sarah. He crawls back onto the hammock a wide smile on his face, and pats the spot next to him.   
“You can’t do it again” I point at him  
“Fine woman, just get on” He groans “That’s what she said” He adds, laughing, and I roll my eyes.  
…  
“I hate you for forcing me to go” I whisper to Sarah, who links arms with me. She laughs and shrugs, skipping forward. I could feel JJ’s eyes on me, and I shivered, letting Sarah drag me towards the drinks.   
“Topper” She waves, letting go of my hand and rushing forward. They share a quick hug, and it kind of shocks me. I guess it really was just sex with them. I grab a warm beer, and take a long slug. I felt flushed and my brain was still whizzing, which wasn’t helping. I felt a hand on my back and I stiffened, before I smelt JJ’s familiar scent, and relaxed slightly.   
“You want to meet up tonight?” He whispers, grabbing a beer. His eyes don't meet mine, and I knew he was trying to act casual.   
“At mine?” I reply quietly, watching as John B laughs with Pope a couple of feet away.   
“Ya, if you want” I turn to him, he has a small smile on his face. He looks absolutely adorable right now, which wasn’t helping me with the whole space factor.   
“Ya, you’ll just have to be quiet, and sneak through my window” I lean in whispering, he nods and takes a small sip of his beer. His eyes rake lazily over me, sending a shiver up my spine “What?” I ask, my cheeks blazing.   
He leans in so close I can feel the heat coming off of him. “You look really sexy right now.” My stomach swirls, and I can feel the heat pooling inside of me. He said it so simply, it made me kind of dizzy.   
I take a sip of my drink before I answer to even myself out. “I’m wearing a baggy shirt and short.” He licks his lips, his eyes moving slowly over me again before landing back on my eyes. I felt the thickness in my throat, but I couldn’t look away from him, he was kind of enthralling.   
“You look sexy in anything” he responds, his voice even, no hesitation at all. “I’d prefer you naked, but” He adds quickly, and I roll my eyes, shoving his shoulder lightly. My heart was still beating wildly in my chest, so I took another sip of my beer, hoping it helps. I move my gaze over to Sarah who’s giggling at Topper, and he smiles widely back at her. I knew Topper still had feelings for Sarah, and I was pretty sure Sarah didn't reciprocate them, she was still in love with John B. I know this whole scene can’t end well, so I walk towards them.   
“I’m serious” He quips just as I step between them, turning to Sarah, who looks slightly shocked at my appearance.   
“Hey, I need you for a second” I smile, she nods, tucking some hair behind her ear. She looks over at Topper, giving him a small smile, he nods in response. I take her hand and pull her a couple of feet away from him, so he won’t be able to overhear our conversation.   
“Everything okay?” She asks, kind of breathlessly.   
“Are you planning on sleeping with Topper again” I ask, her face contorts with surprise and shock. Her cheeks burn, and she opens and closes her mouth a couple of times, almost like she doesn’t know how to answer. “I’m just concerned” I add, she sighs and runs her fingers through her hair.   
“I just want to have fun” She expresses, kind of defensively.   
“You should just know Topper still has feelings for you, and you and John B are still well it’s complicated” I try to explain, she looks away, her tongue darting out to drag along her bottom lip.   
“Topper knows it didn't mean anything” She responds, I can sense the tension of the situation, so I just nod.   
“Okay, just be careful” I smile, she turns back to me, and I can see her face soften.   
“Thank you” She answers, pulling me into a tight hug. I knew now wasn’t the time to push, I didn't want to push her away. She turns to start walking back, but she freezes and turns back quickly. “Would it be terrible for me to do it again?” She asks. My eyes move over to John B, who’s now watching JJ chug a beer while laughing. I wanted him to talk to her, to express himself, but I also knew he wouldn’t until he was ready.   
“Just think about it first” I smile, she nods giving me a gentle smile. She rushes back to Topper, who gives her a wide welcoming smile. I felt guilty, about John B, it felt like I was betraying him, but Sarah was also my friend and she was hurting. I walk back to the boys, downing my beer in the process.   
“Kie, watch” JJ chuckles, his eyes glossy and his smile wide. He hands Pope a beer, as the boys laugh loudly. I watch as JJ, runs a hand through his hair, takes a big breath, and does a very clumsy cartwheel. They all laugh as JJ takes the beer from Pope and chugs it.   
“You guys are dumb” I laugh, John B nudges me, his eyes bright. I notice his gaze move behind me, his smile dropping. I turn to follow his gaze, landing on Sarah and Topper, who is now standing close and whispering to each other. I look back at John B, his face is tight, and I can see the confusion on his face. “I’m sorry” I whisper to him, he looks away quickly, blinking at me.   
“Hey, she can do whoever she wants now” He grunts, taking a sip of his drink. He was obviously angry, and hurt, which made me feel worse. I lift my hand and squeeze his shoulder lightly, he seems to relax just a little.   
“Want me to kick his ass?” I ask, and he smiles, which makes my heart feel a little lighter.   
“No, you’d kill him” He responded, which made me laugh loudly.   
“Damn straight” I smile, leaning my head gently on his shoulder, he wraps his arm around me, gently squeezing me. I watch with a smile as JJ wraps Pope in his arms, swinging him with a loud laugh. Pope shoves him, and that’s when the play wrestling starts, I roll my eyes at the scene.   
“So I think JJ’s seeing someone” John B whispers, my eyes spring to his quickly. John B nodded, taking another small sip of his drink.   
“Isn't he just sleeping with someone?” I ask, feeling heat burst over me.   
“I think it’s more than that” John B answers, his eyes moving back to JJ and Pope.   
“Why do you say that, it’s JJ” I scoff, he shrugs  
“He seems different” I look back at the pair who are still wrestling and laughing. Did JJ seem different since we started having sex, I hadn’t noticed?   
“Different how?” I ask, a lump in my throat. John B looks back at me, squinting down at me.   
“Well first off he’s stopped flirting with every girl he sees, and he never brings anyone back anymore” He explains. I can’t help the giddiness that bursts inside of me. “It’s just a feeling, and you haven’t noticed anything?” He asks, I shake my head.   
“Guess I haven’t been paying attention” I lie, he nods.   
“Whoever it is, I want to meet her. Who would of thought JJ would settle down” He laughs, I feel my heart start beating faster.   
“You don’t know, maybe he’s just evolving,” I say, feeling kind of dizzy. John B gives me a “Come on” look, and chuckles lightly.  
“Maybe, but I really think it’s something else” He shrugs. I let my gaze travel over JJ who is now chatting animatedly with Pope and two girls I’ve never seen before. Could he have feelings for me? The thought sends a jolt of electricity over me, but it was met with anxiety and fear. What would that mean, for the Pogues? What if we did date but then we broke up, and it ruined our friendship. I couldn’t not have him in my life, that would be.. devastating. I couldn’t just ask him because if he rejected me well that would also be devastating and awkward. Maybe the best option was to end it, now before things changed. I couldn’t live without him, and even though I do have romantic feelings for him, strong romantic feelings. I’d rather us just be friends than risk losing him. The thought of having to end it, makes my stomach flip violently.   
…  
I stare at the “Talk tomorrow” text from Sarah, my concern high. She left with Topper about an hour into the party, didn't tell me where just said they were going to talk, which I didn't believe. I didn't want to judge Sarah, but this felt wrong, and I had a feeling it wasn’t going to end well. Although I couldn’t really say anything with the whole situation I got myself into because I was horny. I throw my phone onto my bed before I peel off my shirt and short and walk to my closet. I was tired and confused, and I hated how excited I was that JJ was coming over. I take off my bra and slip on one of my sleep shirts, crawling into bed. I knew he was sneaking away from John B right now, or making some excuse of meeting his secret conquest. I stare at my open window, a slight breeze making the curtains sway. I had to talk to him, tell him maybe it was time to end whatever this was. I couldn’t tell him the real reason, maybe I could just say I’m over it. The thought made me feel sick inside, but I knew I had to do something before I fell even more. I hear a small grunt just as JJ’s head pops through the window, a look of concentration plastered on his face. He tugs himself inside, dropping with a very skillful and light thud.   
“I’m getting better at that” He smiles, pushing his hair out of his face. He was smiling toothily at me, his most genuine smile I’ve come to learn. His smile drops “What?” I shift and shake my head in response. I guess my confusion was showing on my face. He toes off his shoes and moves toward the bed, sliding in next to me. “Kie” He urges, and I could feel my stomach sink. I turned to face him, my eyes moving gently over his soft features. His eyes were bright, and filled with concern. I always loved his eyes, it was the one way I could tell what he was feeling. I reach up, pressing my pointer finger under his eye, he doesn’t flinch. “You have beautiful eyes JJ Maybank” I breathe out, he doesn’t smile but something else fills his face, something I’ve never seen before. I let my finger drop, wrapping my arms around my knees.   
“What’s wrong Kie?” He whispers. I probably should have known he’d see right through me, he always has.   
“You’re my best friend” I blurt, and he looks even more confused. “Fuck that you’re my family, and I.. I can’t lose you” I try to explain, but it’s coming out jumbled and rushed.   
“You won’t lose me” he whispers, and the words send a sharp pain through me. I knew he meant them, just not like that. I bite down on my lip, my heart racing. Why was this so hard, why couldn’t I just say it, end it? He reaches out gently tucking a stray curl behind my ear. “You could never lose me Kie, never” he repeats, and I squeezed myself tighter. I shut my eyes and suck in a breath, but it’s short and it’s not near enough. My breathing became rapid, and I shut my eyes tighter, willing it to stop. I could hear a ringing in my ears, as everything inside me came crashing out. “Kie” I could hear JJ call faintly, but he sounded so far away, he felt so far away from me. My skin was on fire, and my heartbeat was so fast I felt it all over my body. My throat was burning as JJ called my name again, but I didn’t open my eyes I couldn’t. Then I felt his warm, strong hands on my cheeks, turning my head, but my eyes were still shut. “Kie, look at me” His voice finally rang through, sharp and clear. The only clear thing inside my head. I opened my eyes, and he was blurry, but he was still JJ. Beautiful broken JJ. He didn't look flustered, he looked strong, like he was trying to be strong for me. “Listen to me Kie, breathe,” he said, and suddenly I was aware of how rapid and uneven my breathing was. It made my heart race, and heat soak through every inch of my skin. But his eyes were on mine, grounding me, guiding me. I kept my focus on his sparkling eyes, they were filled with something I couldn’t place. He inched closer, his lips now touching one lightly, and his forehead rested against mine. It felt like he was breathing for me, like we were one person.   
“I’m okay” I finally squeak out, shutting my eyes again. His hand moved from my cheek and entangled into my hair, pulling me towards him and capturing my lips. His lips tasted sweet, like sour candies. I melt into him, letting his lips calm my racing heart.   
“You scared me” he breathes when we break apart. His eyes looked glossy, and I could see the worry embedded in them.   
“I’m sorry” I mumble  
“No, don’t be. I just.. I’m just glad you’re okay, fuck Kie, I’m so glad you’re okay” His voice cracks, and it sends a jolt through me.   
“I’m okay” I take his face in my hands “I’m okay now” I assure, he nods.   
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” He asks quietly. “Please” He adds, and I nod. This had to happen, I had to tell him. I couldn’t have one more night, this was already too excruciating.   
“I think” I pause, my heart beating wildly. “I think we should stop” The words burn, they actually burn. His face freezes, and I instantly wanted to take them back, I wanted to take his face and forget everything I just said, but I couldn’t. “I just think it’s time, John B’s suspicious and well..” I don't know what else to say, not when my heart was aching, and I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes.   
“Ya,” He coughs, shifting away from me. His eyes switched off, I could actually see them change, harden. “I mean it was bound to end sometime right” He smiles, and my heart aches fiercely.   
“Ya, it’s just better now, an easy cut” I reply, he nods licking his lips.   
“Okay” He stands, and I feel myself begin to panic, my brain spins.   
“Wait” I blurt, he turns, and I knew what I was about to say was going to be painful, but I couldn’t stop myself. “We could have tonight” I whisper.   
“Tonight” His words come out hard, and regret laces through me.   
“Never mind, sorry” I mumble, feeling completely pathetic.   
“No” He blurts, I look up confused. “I want tonight,” He says, and my heart swoons. “I mean I am already here” He smiles, I laugh and nod. He climbs back in, and I peel off my shirt. He hovers over me, his eyes moving over my naked body before he dips down and captures my lips with his. I ran my fingers through his hair pulling him flush against me, deepening the kiss. He tasted so good, and tonight was going to be the last time. He breaks away to peel off his shirt, and I make quick work of his shorts. His lips find mine in a bruising kiss, but it wasn’t rushed or sloppy, it was soft and completely breathtaking. I let my fingernails trail from his scalp over his shoulders and back, trying to memorize all the grooves. I wanted to remember this, I pull back, and he lets out a soft grunt, but my eyes move gently over his face. His face softens, and trials a path of small gentle kisses down my chest, sucking lightly. My skin is burning as I arch into him, his lips driving me crazy. When he places a gentle kiss to my hip bone, I let out a soft breathy moan. I grip his hair as his lips move lower, and the heat in my belly grows and tightens.   
“JJ” I moan loudly “Fuck” I breathe as my heart speeds up. I pull him away from me and drag him up to meet my lips in a very sloppy kiss. “I want you to be inside me” I whisper against his lips, he lets out a small grunt of approval. He lines up at my entrance, but I shift, and hook my leg over his hip, spinning us, so that I was now on top. He smiles up at me, and my heart contracts in my chest. I sink down onto him, and he lets out a quiet hiss that I cut off with a small kiss. His hands move to my hips, helping me set a slow pace.   
“Fuck Kie, you’re so beautiful” he whispers, and my body flushes. I look down at him, as I circle my hips gently, which makes him suck in a breathe. “Fuck baby” He grunts, and a pang of pleasure pulses through me. I tried not to read too much into the nickname, it shocked me the first time he used it but now I find myself waiting for it, it always urged me on. I place my hands flat on his chest, picking up the pace, both of our breathing comes out in short spurts. I could feel myself getting close. JJ meets my thrusts, sending him further inside of me. I tilt my head back and let out an embarrassingly loud moan, but I couldn’t care right now. Everything felt too good. JJ thrusts up, and blinding white pleasure shot through me, making me slump forward, and clutch tightly to the bedsheets. JJ finished with a small grunt, his breath rapid against my ear. I could feel his heart patter against mine, as I nuzzled into him. His hand traces lightly up and down my back, something he does almost every time after we’re done. With a huff, I slide off of him, my skin slick with sweat. Our breathing is the only noise that fills the room, we’re both trying to catch our breaths. I turned to face him, and he quickly follows.   
“That was one hell of a last hurrah” He chuckles, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. He reaches out to gently move some hair stuck to my sweaty forehead. “You really are beautiful,” he says, and I smile.   
“Ya, sure with my sweaty forehead” I laugh, he chuckles and pulls me against him.   
“I like your sweaty forehead” He kisses it gently, and It sends a jolt of electricity up my spine. I lean my head on his chest, listening to his strong steady heartbeat.   
“Stay tonight” I whisper, as he starts playing with one of my curls.   
“I was planning on it” he quips, and I smile, rolling my eyes. I let the sound of his heart lull me to sleep. “What do we do now?” he whispers just before I drift off.


	16. Back To The Start

JJ shifts under me, slowly slipping out of bed. It was still dark out maybe just before five in the morning. I watch as his silhouette moves across the room picking up his clothes, and pulling them on. It was dark enough that I didn't have to worry about him noticing I’m awake, I just watch quietly. He runs his fingers through his hair, letting out a soft huff. I notice his shoulders are tense, as he moves back to the bed, and I instinctively shut my eyes. The bed dips as I feel his lips connect with my forehead, the gesture makes my heart skip. The kiss is gentle, and the heat from his lips lingers. I hear him shuffle, and I open my eyes slowly. My heart felt like it was being squeezed tightly, it made it hard to breathe. I wanted to call him back to bed, to tell him that it was hard to sleep without him now, but I couldn’t. He looked back, but I didn't shut my eyes, and I don’t think he noticed, or he pretended not to. I watch as he slips out the window silently, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. The tears fell almost immediately, like my body was waiting for him to leave. I clutch my pillow tightly, burrowing my head so that the cries don’t wake my parent. It was a different kind of pain, a pain I’ve never experienced before. It felt like I was losing something vital, and now everything felt off-kilter. I hated myself in that moment, forever suggesting the just sex thing because it has changed everything. We had these moments together, real moments and now we were supposed to go back to before. I was supposed to watch him flirt effortlessly with all the tourons. I was supposed to act like it didn't physically pain me to see it. I’m not allowed to touch him like that anymore, and it feels wrong. We’re back to looks, and smiles, the memories being the only thing to remind us this ever fucking happened! How was I suppose to go back, after getting all that, how was I suppose to act like everything was okay?! I think the worst part was he was okay with it, he was okay with going back. It was stupid of me to think that maybe he was disappointed, It was just sex for him, maybe a nice ego boost. The weird part is that it was hard for me to be angry with him because I knew he didn't want to hurt me, he isn’t the type. But it does hurt, and it hurts that it doesn’t hurt him like It does me. I sit up and turn on my Tv, numbing my whirling mind. I knew there was no way I was going back to sleep, not feeling like this. I pull the duvet up to my mouth, letting out another soft cry.   
…  
“Bitch” Sarah rushes into my room, her hair up in a tight ponytail, and I notice she’s wearing workout clothes.  
“Did you run here?” I ask, she nods plopping down onto the bed. She looked sweaty, but she had a giant smile on her face.  
“I had really good sex last night” She blurts, and my eyes widen. “With Topper” She adds. I stare at her, and she lets out a loud giggle. “I know it’s weird but it’s better than some random” She huffs, moving under the blankets. I hadn’t moved all day, still watching the TV aimlessly. “Kie” She whines   
“Sorry, just processing,” I remark, she nods, turning her gaze to the TV. “Why?” I ask, she quickly turns back   
“Why what?” She asks   
“Why Topper?” I clarify, she looks confused.   
“I don’t know, he’s familiar” She explains her tone dwindling slightly. “It’s easy with him” She adds, and it was like I was waiting for her to admit that.   
“Easy isn’t always the best option” I reply quietly   
“Either is the hard way” She quips defensively. I shift, keeping my eyes on the screen. I was irritated, and I didn't even know who it was towards.   
“I just mean maybe you’re rushing things, you just ended things with John B” I express, an edge to my voice. I know I sounded judgmental, but it was rushing out without thought.   
“John B, ended it with me” She huffs   
“Doesn't mean it didn't hurt him, and us using Topper isn’t the nicest thing to do” I exclaim, and I can tell by her pinched face that I took it too far.   
“Topper and I understand the circumstances, I’m not using him” her voice is clipped, and I should apologize, tell her it’s not my place. But the blood is rushing through me too fast, and I could feel the heat in my veins.   
“He likes you and you know that so stop playing that card” I blurt, and she stands quickly, her cheeks flushed. I felt terrible, but again I couldn’t stop.   
“You're one to talk, you think lying to everyone about liking JJ is a good thing! You’re just upset because Topper likes me back” She huffs, her face beet red. The words hurt, it was like a punch to the gut. I could see by how her face falls that she regretted it, but she already said it. The truth that probably everyone knew was out. “Kie” She stammers   
“You should leave” I mumble, moving my eyes back to the TV. She stands there frozen, opening and closing her mouth a couple of times. “Go, please” I add, my heart racing. She listened this time, and shut the door behind her. It was obvious, I was the pathetic girl who fell for JJ Maybank. I felt a shudder run through me, so I pull the blanket tighter around me.   
…  
It’s been two days since Sarah and I fought, and neither of us has reached out. I was too exhausted and sad to explain my shitty attitude. What was I suppose to say, hey you’re right I like JJ and he doesn’t feel the same so I freaked out on you! Everything felt too weird to get back to normal. John B, Pope, and JJ have texted me multiple times, but I haven’t replied. I don’t think I could drink and forget about it all right now. I was sad, and it felt like I was too exhausted to move. It’s been two days and I’m a complete mess, a pathetic mess, what was I suppose to do. Not to mention It felt like JJ was pitying me, and he knew about how I felt. I don’t know what to do, so the best option is to stay in my room until I do. I’m about to doze off when my door bursts open, scaring the shit out of me. JJ, Pope, and John B burst in, hard looks on their faces.   
“What the fuck is this?” I ask, sitting up.   
“We could ask you the same thing” Pope mutters a disapproving look on his face.   
“I’m sick” I lie, they all give me the bullshit look. I sigh and run a hand through my very matted down curls. “What do you guys want?” I ask  
“Kie, we haven’t seen you in two days, which is kind of a record” John B exclaims, sitting down next to me. “And don’t say you’ve been busy, the cups in the room would beg to differ” He raises his eyebrow, which makes me roll my eyes.   
“I don’t know what you want me to say?” I mumble, my eyes moving to JJ, his eyes are soft and I can see the concern in them. “I’m fine” I turn away quickly.   
“Fine, then get up, we’re going surfing” John B nudges my thigh   
“I..” I start but he pushes me again.   
“Get up” He states, I glare at him, and he gives me a defiant look. I roll out of bed, and the boys let out a small chuckle.   
“I didn't realize how obsessed you guys were with me” I smirk, making them laugh loudly. I change into my bathing suit quickly, and pull my hair up into a bun. The boys sat on the bed, talking quietly to each other, as I packed a bag.  
“Do you guys want snacks?” I butt in, they all turn to me.   
“Kie, do you even need to ask?” JJ huffs, a wide smile on his face.   
“Go raid the fridge” I point out the door. He bounces up, rushing down the hallway, with all of us staring after him.   
“He’s going to eat everything before we leave” Pope groans, quickly rushing after him. I laugh as their voices echo through the house.   
“You can go to,” I tell John B, his eyes move over me slowly.   
“What’s going on Kie?” He asks, my eyebrows knit together.   
I shift from foot to foot, feeling my cheeks flush. “What do you mean?” He runs his fingers through his hair, and gives me that “Bullshit” look.   
“You know you can talk to me” He stands and moves towards me, a soft look on his face. Part of me wanted to blurt out everything and let him console me, but I was frozen in place.   
“I know, thank you” I smile, nudging him lightly. He takes my hand and squeezes it affectionately.   
“You guys ready to go” JJ’s voice breaks around us, causing us to spring apart.  
“Ya,” I cough, my cheeks burning for some reason. His eyes lock on mine, and I’m met with a hard stare, one I couldn’t decipher. I follow John B down the stairs, still sensing tension coming from JJ. Pope is popping grapes into his mouth, while reading the note mom left me on the fridge.   
“Your mom dots her eyes with hearts,” Pope says, his mouth full.   
“Ya, it’s her signature kind of” I smile, grabbing the six-pack of beers I keep hidden in the back of the fridge.   
“How do you hide these?” John B asks, grabbing the beers.   
“Have you seen how deep her fridge is” Pope comments,  
JJ laughs loudly. “That’s what she said” I scoff, but a small smile pops onto my face. I hand the boys my bag instructing them to load the car while I grab my board. I rush to the back shed, the sun causing the concrete to burn the bottom of my feet. I have to shimmy open the shed, tools clatter to the ground. I forgot how stuffed it was in here. Dad shoves all of his unused fathers day presents in here. Mainly tools, or outdoor things.   
“Kie” JJ’s calls, I turn quickly, bumping a piece of plywood with my hip.   
“Shit” I mumble as the plywood knocks a couple things to the ground. “JJ, what the fuck” I stammer, my heart racing.   
“Sorry, I just wanted to talk to you” He whispers, I shift forward, my cheeks burning. His familiar scent wafted over me, sending a shiver down my spine.   
“What’s up?” I ask, his proximity making me dizzy.   
“You haven’t returned any of my texts, and I was.. well I mean…” He’s stuttering nervously. “Are we okay?” He finishes, his cheeks pink. It seems like he thinks I’m mad at him, or maybe he’s nervous that things are changing because I have feelings for him.   
“I’ve just been out of it, but of course we’re okay” I smile, but it feels stiff. His eyes roam over me slowly, like he was searching my face for something. “I promise” I add, my hand instinctively reaching out for his. I freeze, and quickly pull it back, plastering a fake smile onto my face.   
“Are you okay? I know you said you’ve been out of it, but I want to make sure it’s nothing serious” He steps forward, and my skin burns. He’s so close to me I can feel the heat radiating off of him. The urge to connect our lips is so strong I have to clutch the table behind me.   
“I’m fine” I stumble, his face is unbearably soft. Why does he have to look at me like that?!   
“Kie” He whispers, I shake my head.   
“I’m fine, really, it’s just been a weird couple of days” I assure, moving to grab my surfboard. “Come on they’ll wonder what’s taking us so long” I push past him, the concrete hot again my feet.   
“Here, I’ll take it,” he says, I shake my head   
“I can do it” I exclaim, he sighs grabbing the board. “Hey” I blurt angrily.   
“You’re not wearing shoes idiot” He explains, his eyes wide. I groan and run towards the house to grab my shoes. I watch as JJ places my board on top of the van, securing it in place. How was I going to handle being around him, when all I could think about is his lips all over me!   
…  
I drag myself out of the water, exhausted, and elated that I finally feel a little bit better. I plop down onto the sand, next to our cooler, and my bag. The boys were competing to see who can catch the last wave of the day. I usually partake, but I was too tired, and I didn't really feel like it. I pull out a beer and take a large swig. JJ beats the other by an inch, catching the last wave. The boys boo, and JJ throws a middle finger back. I lean back on my palms watching as he easily rides the wave, always a natural in the water. John B and Pope paddle to shore, while I cheer JJ on with a loud whistle.   
“He always wins” Pope groans, sitting down next to me. I hand him a beer, and he smiles softly in return. JJ bounces out of the water, his hair dripping.   
“Face it, you guys are never gonna beat me” He smirks, shaking out his hair. I block the spray, glaring in his direction, he only smiles wider.   
“Shut it Maybank” I scold, he laughs and moves to the cooler, grabbing a drink. I watch as he twists the cap off, and gulps down the liquid. The sight is oddly intoxicating, so much so it made me flush and turn away.   
“So I heard something” John B points out, his eyes on me, I sip my beer. “And you don’t need to feel weird Kie, it’s just a question” He adds, and I stare at him confused. He turns to JJ, who gives him a small nod, which only makes my heart pound louder against my ribs.   
“Is Sarah sleeping with Topper?” He asks, I let out a sharp breath.   
“Who told you that?” I blurt, looking over all of them, they all stared down at the ground.   
“We saw her go into the house with him, so I assumed” John B explains, I bite down on my lip. “I was just curious” he adds, an irritated look on his face. He was jealous, and now he was mad that he even brought it up.   
“I’m sorry, I should have told you,” I say, his eyes spring back to mine. He was shocked, it was written all over his face. “It’s just sex” I add lamely, resisting the urge to look at JJ to see his reaction. I lean forward and squeeze his knee gently, reassuringly.   
“It’s fine, we’re broken up” He shrugs sipping his drink. I turn to Pope and JJ, who give me sympathetic looks in return.  
“Want to know a secret?” I whisper, he turns a curious look on his face. I knew I probably shouldn’t say this, it was childish, but I wanted him to feel better even for a second. “You’re bigger” I state quickly, and JJ and Pope burst out laughing. John B stares, a smirk on his face.   
“She told you that?” He asks   
“Yes and usually I wouldn’t conform to toxic masculinity but..” I shrug “thought you should know” I smile. JJ claps him roughly on the shoulder, while Pope whistles loudly.   
“John B” JJ cheers, making his cheek tint pink immediately. John B gives me a small thoughtful look, I smile and shrug in response.   
…  
“We could just stay here. Smoke, and watch a scary movie” I suggest, spread out on the chateau couch. John B runs around trying to find his clean button-up. Pope lifts my legs and plops down with a loud sigh.   
“I agree” He raises his hand, and I grin. John B stops and turns an annoyed look on his face.   
“We’re going okay, I don’t want to spend the night here..” He stumbles clearly annoyed by something. “We’re just going” He turns and continues looking for his shirts. I move to sit up, pulling my legs under me.   
“Check the dining room table” I suggest, he nods and surges forward.   
“He’s panicky since the whole Topper thing” Pope whispers to me, I nod.   
“You think a night of binge drinking going to help?” I ask skeptical, he raises his eyebrow gibing me the “Come on Kie” look.   
“Dude your shirt’s in the bathroom” JJ emerges from the hall in only a low hanging towel. Water droplets drip down his torso, bleeding into the towel. The sight is beyond tantalizing, and I can’t rip my eyes away from him. He reaches for a cup from the cupboard, his muscles rippling slightly. He cranes his neck as he fills the glass, his eyes landing on mine. I should look away, embarrassed, but his smirk only sends a wave of pleasure over me.   
“Dude you got it all wet” John B emerges from the hallway, waving his button-up wildly as if to dry it.   
“That's what she said” JJ laughs before he sips his water. John B nudges him roughly, which only makes him chuckle harder.   
“Go get dressed man, we have to go” John B instructs, JJ nods, placing the glass down on the counter. He walks around the table this time passing me. His hand brushes against me, and I can’t tell if it’s on purpose or an accident. I hate myself for reading so much into a stupid graze! I run my finger lightly over the grooves of the table, my cheeks flushed. All I wanted to do was follow him to the room and lock the door behind us, but for obvious reason I can’t. I press down into the wood, trying to focus on anything else. Anything, rather than JJ naked in the other room, so close to me.   
“Kie” Pope’s voice breaks me from my trance, my eyes spring up to meet his. “You okay?” He asks, I nod vigorously.   
“Just thinking about how long these two take to get ready” I joke, leaning back into the chair. Pope lets out a soft chuckle, but he still looks at me seriously. “I’m fine” I smile, he nods turning away from me.   
“Let’s go,” JJ says, as he shakes out his hair, and runs his fingers back through it. John B, follows behind him, a worried look on his face. I pat him on the shoulder, and he looks at me annoyed.   
“Calm down” I muse, and he sighs   
“I just need to let off some steam,” He remarks, and I try not to roll my eyes. I take his hand and squeeze it gently, which seems to relax him slightly.   
“You're allowed to be upset” I whisper, he licks his lips and shakes his head.   
“I’d rather get drunk” He replies, and I groan. “Please Kie” He lifts my hand up to his chest giving me a wide puppy-eyed look.   
“Hey, you can do what you want” I shrug   
“It’s always better when you approve” He exclaims which makes me laugh.   
“Fuck off” I shove him and continue towards the door.   
“Kie” He whines as JJ holds the door open for me.   
“I approve, Jesus John B, you’re obsessed with me” I turn and wink at him, he laughs loudly. I turn back and bump into a hard chest, JJ’s arms instinctively wrap around me.   
“Shit” I mumble breathlessly, JJ smiles down at me. “Sorry” I laugh, pushing away from him.   
His hand clutches my hip as he says “Watch your step Carrera” He drops his grip, and climbs into the van. I stare after him, feeling my heart thump loudly against my ribs.   
“You good Kie” John B asks, his eyebrows raised in question   
“Yup” I nod, shaking the heat off from JJ’s touch. Pope’s in the front seat so I take the seat next to JJ. He’s staring out the window, a still look on his face. I try not to focus on the urge to press my skin against his, instead I kept my gaze forward on the dangling ornament.   
…  
The Boneyard was packed with people either dancing or cheering on drinking games. I find myself searching for Sarah automatically, but I quickly stop myself. We haven’t talked since our fight. JJ walks past me, moving to where the keg is, a weird tension in his shoulders. I was about to go after him, see what was wrong when John B stepped in front of me with wide eyes.   
“Sarah’s with Topper” He whispers, and I move my gaze around the crowds of people. I spot Topper first, his blonde hair bright in the moonlight. He’s laughing loudly, as Sarah tosses a ball into the other player's cup. She’s wearing a bright red bikini top and denim cutoffs. She turns to Topper with a proud smile, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in for a quick peck. The kiss threw me, I thought it was just sex?! “They're together?” John B states, but I can hear the question in his voice. I turn back to him, my eyebrows knit together in confusion.   
“I didn't know” I reply, he looks skeptically at me. “I’m serious, I thought it was just sex” I add, he must recognize the shock on my face because he nods in response.   
“I guess she made her decision,” John B remarks sourly. I felt terrible for him, I couldn’t imagine.   
“Come on, let’s get a drink” I take his arm and pull him away from Topper and Sarah. Pope and JJ are chatting with two blonde girls with fake tans when we get to the keg. I hated the burn that coursed through me. I passed John B a beer and grabbed myself one as well. I watch as John B chugs the beer quickly, and I know how tonight’s going to pan out.   
“Shots?” He asks with a wide fake smile, I nod. I knew I shouldn’t be encouraging this, but he was hurting and I knew the need to drown it for the night. Tomorrow I’d help him move on, tonight we’d be destructive. “Guys, shots” John B interrupts their conversation with the blonde Tourons. JJ holds out a finger to the girls, who are staring at him with hungry looks.   
“Dude, is tonight gonna be fun?” JJ asks, and John B chuckles handing him the shot. JJ’s eyes move to me, grazing over the shot in my hand. “You're partaking tonight too?” He asks, a proud smirk on his face. I did say I was going to be destructive.   
“No mama Kie tonight Maybank” I wink before downing the shot quickly. His eyes have widened a little when I look at him again, and this time I smirk at him. The next shot, Pope takes with us, with a lot of peer pressure from JJ.   
“Pogues” JJ cheers before we down the burning liquor. The girls join soon after, giggling obnoxiously as JJ pours them some drinks. I tried not to glare, but the girls made it so hard. I swear at one point the girl whispered, with a bullhorn, that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.   
So I turn to John B, “Want to dance?” I ask. His cheeks flush, but he nods and takes my hand in his. At first, we’re just moving next to each other, laughing at John B’s dad moves, but then he pulls me against his chest. His arms move around me, as he spins me in slow circles.   
“Thanks for getting fucked up with me tonight” He leans down so I can hear him, I push some hair from my face.   
“What are friends for” I smile up at him, his face softens. I wanted to tell him it was a good distraction for me too, but I couldn’t, so instead, I leaned my head on his chest. He places his chin on the top of my head, not stilling out soft moments. I could see JJ, and my heart froze. He was leaning in close to one of the girls, a bright smile on his face. The sight made my stomach flip violently, and I quickly turned away.   
“You okay?” John B asks, probably because of my flushed face. I look up at him, and he looks down at me with concern.   
“You ask me that a lot” I laugh, this time he pushes the curl from my face gently.   
“What are friends for” He uses my line from earlier, and I smile. I lay my head back on John B’s chest, trying to get the sour taste of JJ flirting out of my mouth.


	17. Fucking Amazing

JJ sticks his hand out to help me into the boat, I hesitate for just a second before taking it. His hands are warm and calloused against mine, and I quickly pulled away once I stepped into the boat. Everything felt too much like I can’t even touch him without feeling a tingle, it was getting ridiculous. I place the cooler I brought down, and take a seat next to Pope, who’s staring into a book.   
“What are you reading?” I ask loudly over the wind, he turns, his eyes moving gently over my face.   
“It’s about scuba diving” He replies, I stare at him confused.   
“You don’t scuba dive,” I remark, and hear JJ chuckle to himself.   
“I like to understand it thought, gives me insight” He shrugs, his cheeks tinting pink.   
“Must be interesting in there” I tap his forehead, and he pushes me off with a huff, making me let out a small laugh. I turn towards John B who’s driving the boat, his hair flying back behind him.   
“I think you need a haircut” I yell, he turns, a confused look on his face. I stand and move slowly toward him, taking the small seat adjacent to him. “Your hair is getting too long, to the point where it looks dirty” I explain, he lets out a soft laugh and shake his head.   
“I’ll have you know, ladies love my long hair” He replies, I stop myself from saying Sarah’s name.   
“I’m a lady, and I hate it” I say instead  
“She’s right man, you look like a hippy, and not in a dope way” JJ adds in, pulling a joint out of his pocket. John B glares at him before turning his eyes to Pope for a verdict.   
“Definitely needs a trim” Pope agrees, and I smile triumphantly. JJ lights up the joint, taking a long drag, the smoke billowing around him. He licks his lips, leaning back on one of his palms, as he takes another small hit. I shift, feeling my cheeks burn as my heart rate quickens. He holds out the joint for me to take, a small knowing smile on his face. I hated that he knew me so well. I take the joint from him, placing it between my lips, as I shimmy out of my shorts. I take a drag, letting the smoke burn my throat before I blow it out. JJ’s eyes burn into mine, a wide smile on his relaxed face. I knew he liked when I smoked, it was a turn-on for him. Something he told me as he dragged me inside at a party to have very hot sex. I drag my eyes lazily over him, soaking in his lust-filled stare. I stand and pass the joint to John B, knowing Pope won’t want any.   
“Thanks” John B smiles brightly at me, I nod, moving to sit back down. We hit a wake coming from a passing boat, and I stumble unable to catch my step, I fall into JJ’s lap. I huff loudly, my eyes wide as his hands clutch gently at my hips, causing a tingle to simmer through me.   
“Sorry” I mumble breathless, my eyes glued to his. His eyes travel over my face slowly, and the air around us feels heavy. I run my hand from where it’s clutching his shoulder down his chest, relishing in the goosebumps that break out onto his skin.   
“Clumsy much” He smiles, and suddenly I remember Pope and John B. I stand so quickly I almost stumble again, my cheeks blazing. He smiles up at me, and I shove him lightly, moving to my spot next to Pope. I quickly pull off my tank top, and shove it into my bag, before I pull a beer out of the cooler. My skin was still burning and I couldn’t get the feeling of his hands on my hips out of my head. I look at him and find him staring back with a quizzical look, which confuses me more. He looked away quickly, and I felt a little better knowing her was nervous too. John B stops the engine, turning to pass the basically finished joint back to JJ, who glares.   
“Dude you’re lucky I have another one,” He remarks, and John B chuckles lightly to himself. I decide now’s the time to jump into the refreshing water, maybe it will help with the heat coursing through me.   
“Kie” John B calls just before I launch into the water, I turn to face him, confused. He walks towards me, his eyes glued to my butt, which confused me. “Your tag is sticking out” he explains, a pink tint to his cheeks. He reaches out and tucks the tag back into my bathing-suit bottoms, and immediately takes a step away.   
“Checking me out?” I joke, which makes him blush harder, while Pope and I laugh lightly. “I’m kidding, thanks” I shove him, and then I jump into the chilly water. The water fills my ears, erasing all other noises around me. I left myself float, using my arms to keep me under, in the emptiness of the water. My eyes open, and I’m met with murky, green water. As the burn in my lungs intensifies, I finally let myself swim to the surface, sucking in a sharp breath.   
“Jeez Kie, you were done there for a bit” Pope comments, still on the boat. I turn towards him, the sun shining directly into my eyes.   
“Why aren’t you in here?” I change the subject, lifting my hand to block the stream of sun.   
“I’m reading” He replies, and I scoop some water and send it flying in his direction. He lets out a loud huff, as he shakes off his book. JJ’s head pops up next to Pope, joint hanging between his lips.   
“Want another hit?” He asks, words sort of muffled. I swim towards the boat, as he drops his hand towards me, a joint between his fingers. I don’t reach for the joint, using my arms to keep me afloat. Instead, I tilt my head up, wrapping my lips around the joint, as JJ holds it steady for me. As I blow out the smoke, my eyes land on JJ, and a slow smile spreads across his lips. I push away from the boat, my cheeks burning from JJ’s stare. Why did he have to look at me like that!   
…  
The boneyard was packed with its usual people, and a couple new Tourons. I plop down on a log, my drink sloshing slightly. I wanted to be home in bed, but the boys were about ten feet away from me having the time of their lives. Pope was drunk dancing, while John B and JJ urged him on. It was an adorable sight, but I could feel my happiness slipping. I felt cold and irritated, and I couldn’t force it away like usual. I take a small sip of my beer, watching Pope drag JJ towards him, spinning them in circles. I wanted to join them, but something inside of me was yelling no, stay miserable. I drop my eyes to the sand, watching as a bug struggles to crawl up the log. I could feel my heart squeeze in my chest, making it hard to breathe. My eyes move back up to the boys, now their all dancing wildly, their loud laughs echoing over the thumping music. John B spins and his eyes connect with mine. He waves me over, his smile wide and inviting. I smile and shake my head, lifting my beer in response. His movements still and I notice his smile slips just a little bit. He turns back to the guys, and I move my gaze over to the crashing waves. Bubbles formed and broke on the sand.   
“Don’t feel like dancing” John B’s voice breaks my wave trance. I turn toward him, his cheeks are flushed and he has a small, soft smile on his face.   
“Don’t want to upstage Pope” I joke, he chuckles and sits down beside me. I move my eyes back to the waves, as John B shifts closer to me.   
“What’s wrong Kie?” He asks, the words slice through me.   
“I don’t know” I reply, my voice little. I feel his hand land on my lower back, a warm pressure. I turn to him, and his eyes are just as soft. “I’m just not in the mood I guess” I blow it off with a small laugh, my cheeks warm.   
“Kie” He insists, I sigh, feeling my throat tighten. “You know you can tell me” He leans towards me, and I can smell the beer on his lips.   
“Can I?” I blurt, his eyes widen and his eyebrows knit together.   
“Of course anything” He responded, I bite down on my lip. My heart was thumping loudly in my chest as my eyes moved towards Pope and JJ, who were still dancing wildly together.   
“I’m confused” I admit turning back to him, he still looks confused. “Have you ever wanted something so badly it scares you” I whisper.   
“Why can’t you have it?” He asks instead, which kind of scares me, does he know something? I turn away from him, back to the water, hoping it calms my frayed nerves. “Kie, why can’t you have it?” He asks again, and I shrug simply. He reaches out and pulls my face to meet his. The moment feels loaded suddenly, and I wanted to shift away, but I felt frozen in spot. His eyes move down to my lips, and it feels like he might lean in to kiss me. “You can have whatever you want if you want it badly enough” He responds, and I nod in response.   
…  
“Come on” I grip Pope’s shirt, helping him inside the Chateau. John B is helping JJ, both of them are drink off their asses. Pope almost trips, but I catch him, and he lets out a loud laugh followed with a burp.   
“Sorry” He chuckles, I shake my head, dropping him onto the pullout couch. “Wow,” He remarks, and I let out a small laugh. “You sleeping here tonight?” John B asks as he drops JJ off on the other side of the bed.   
“I don’t know” I shove my hands in my pockets.   
“Stay,” JJ remarks, his voice muffled by the pillow.   
“Ya, stay” John B laughs, his smile bright. I look away from him the weird moment from earlier popping into my head.   
“My parents are gonna kill me” I laugh, hoping the excuse sticks.   
“Sucky” Pope slurs, making me smile. I pull the blanket over both of them, and they let out a small cheer in unison.   
“I’ll drive you,” John B says, I nod because I really don’t want to walk.   
“Don’t choke” I tell the boys before walking to the car, they grunt in response almost asleep already. We sit in relative silence, the soft radio filling the space between us. I feel my eyes get heavy, as a loud yawn bursts through me.   
“I’m so ready to sleep” I comment, John B chuckles and nods. I lift my knees up, placing my feet on the dash.   
“I wanted to thank you Kie” John B blurts, I turn to face him confused. “I know you’ve been trying to keep the peace between Sarah and I and I wanted to thank you” He explains, I nod.   
“You don’t need to thank me” I reply, he turns to me a smile on his lips.   
“You're always so humble” He laughs   
“Well you know” I smirk, and he shakes his head. “So you okay then?” I ask, he sighs loudly.   
“I think I am, I mean maybe it just wasn’t meant to be” He turns to me, his eyes trailing slowly over my face.   
“Ya but you still love her right?” I muse, unable to really believe that he didn’t. Sarah and him seemed meant to be, in my opinion.   
“I’ll always love her, she was my first real girlfriend, but right now I think we just need to be friends you know” he shrugs, I nod.   
“Very mature” I smile, he blushes.   
“Maybe it’s time to try something else” He adds, and I sigh   
“Or be by yourself” I suggest   
“We’ll see,” he says making me chuckle lightly.   
“What about you, no more Ethan for sure?” He asks, his tone sounding slightly hopeful.   
“No, Ethan and I are done” I answer, feeling my stomach sink. It was better that JJ and I are done, for everybody.   
“Maybe it’s time for something new for you too?” He quips, and I shake my head.   
“No I don’t need the trouble,” I remark making him laugh.   
“We’ll see” He exclaims, and I shove him lightly.   
…  
“I’m so, so so sorry” Sarah cries, tears streaming down her face. I turn towards the boys who are staring intently, we were at the beach. I take her hand and pull her away from the prying eyes. “Kie” She whales, I finally stop.   
“It’s okay, I missed you” I pull her in for a tight hug, she hiccups.   
“Oh god, thank god! I’m so sorry I was such a bitch” She exclaims, I pull away, wiping under her eyes.   
“Hey, it’s okay I said some really mean things first” I admit, she shakes her head.   
“You were just being honest and your right I was being selfish and rude to both John B and Topper” She sniffles “I’m terrible” She adds   
“No you’re not, it’s okay to be confused” I squeeze her hand lightly, she sighs loudly.   
“I didn’t mean the JJ thing” She whispers, and I shrug.   
“It’s true though” I reply, she shakes her head vehemently.   
“It’s not, he likes you, I know it, it’s obvious” She rushes out, I shake my head and she sighs dramatically.   
“It’s okay Sarah” I smile, she groans and pulls me in for another tight hug. We walk back, her arm linked with mine, and the boys cheer loudly.   
“Shut up” I kick up some sand, they laugh.   
“No more fighting?” JJ remarks sarcastically I let go of Sarah and rush forward, shoving him onto the sand, making him laugh.   
“You're a dumb-ass,” I say as he pulls me down with him. His hands are rough and calloused and it made me shiver. I pull away quickly and wipe the sand from my shorts.   
“You love me” He smirks, and I groan even though my heart was racing. Sarah gives John B a small smile, and he returns it. “Can I ask something” Pope interjects, his eyes on Sarah, she nods. “Are you with Topper?” He asks, and my eyes widen. She turns back to John B, who doesn’t seem to look away, just as curious.   
“It’s fine we’re broken up,” John B tells her, his voice steady, normal.   
“We’re casual” She explains, her cheeks pink, he nods. “But I think it was mainly a rebound” She adds quickly, John B nods again.   
“I just want you to be happy Sarah,” He tells her, her eyes widen, and I’m even a little shocked.   
“Mature John B” JJ slings his arm around his shoulders, pulling him into an embrace, John B’s cheeks tint pink. John B turns to me a small loaded smile on his face, I turn away my cheeks burning. My eyes land back on JJ’s who tilts his head smiling softly at me. I could feel my heart thump against my ribcage, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his gentle smile. His smile made me dizzy, like my insides were spinning, and my head turned foggy.   
“Party tonight then?” Sarah jumps in, her voice enthusiastic. I turn to her quickly, hoping she didn’t notice my longing gaze. She widens her eyes and pouts, like she assumes I’ll argue. “Sure I’m in” I relent, and she lets out a small cheer turning back to the boys.   
…  
Sarah’s clutching my hand tightly, so tightly, my hand breaks out into pins and needles. I turn to her about to complain, when I notice her staring longingly at John B. I wondered then if that’s what I looked like, it made my stomach flip violently. I squeeze her hand back, and her gaze springs back to mine, her eyes wide and concerned.   
“You okay?” I ask, she nods, her eyes move away from mine, looking out towards the crowd of people. We were at Sam’s house party, a local halfbreed. Born a Pogue but his parents invested with a company and became one of the wealthiest families here. His house was bigger than Sarah’s which was hard, but it made her mansion look like a shack.   
“Fine” She finally says, her tone chipper. I feel an arm sling over my shoulder, pulling me to their side.   
“Ready to have fun?” JJ asks, a smirk prominent on his face. I shove him, but his cologne already wafts over me, making my insides flip. “Come on Kie, be nice” He complains, I glare but I can’t help the small smile that forms on my lips.   
“This place could fit like five thousand people in it” John B looks around in wonderment.   
“More like thirty, five hundred but ya” Pope responds, his eyes also moving around the giant house. John B rolls his eyes at Pope’s correction, but lets out a small chuckle.   
“This place could house a lot of homeless people” I criticize, hating the blatant show of classisms. “Imagine, needing all of this, he’s an only child for god sakes” I add, crossing my arms over my chest. John B, squeezes my shoulder gently, a kind smile on his face.   
“You know what I don’t hate though, the booze” JJ adds, as we get to the outdoor bar. I watch as he pours himself a glass of whiskey, and I scoff.   
“You don’t even like whiskey” I retort, he chuckles.   
“True, but this bottle costs about twenty, maybe twenty-five hundred dollars” He turns to Pope for reassurance and he nods. “So, let’s get drunk” He winks at me, downing the glass. He pours a couple more glasses handing them out, I stare at his outstretched hand, and shake my head. “Kie” He urges, I look up at him, my stare hard. “You know technically I’m the poor, so this, in turn, is helping out the poor” He explains, a proud smile on his face. I could feel myself about to laugh, but I held it back. He steps closer, a goofy look on his face.   
“JJ, that’s my dad’s whiskey” Sam comes rushing forward, a panicked look on his face. JJ turns to him, his smile strong.   
“Well he has good taste Sammy” JJ responded, and Sam groaned.   
“That’s a twenty-five hundred dollar whiskey JJ! You know more money that you’ll have in your life” Sam spits, and I felt anger spike through me. I take the bottle from JJ’s hand, and Sam’s eyes move to me confused. I tip the bottle back and take a long sip, the liquid burns my throat. I wipe the excess from the edge of my mouth and nod my head.   
“You would think for twenty-five hundred dollars it wouldn’t taste so shitty?” I comment, my face scrunched up in disgust. “I guess money can buy taste though, so question answered?” I laugh, pushing a curl from my face. “But I do know that money can’t buy everything” I look down at his pants before moving my eyes back up to meet his, he glares, and I hear a small chuckle behind me. I step towards him, holding the bottle out towards him, he looks at my outstretched hand confused. “Well take it” I giggle, he reaches out and just as his fingers are about to stretch over the neck of the bottle I let it slip from my hand. The bottle smashes between us, liquid splashing over my toes.   
“What the fuck Kie” Sam yells, and I fake shock letting out a small gasp.   
“Whoops, sorry it slipped” I smile brightly “You’d know about that, right Sam?” I ask, faking innocence. I push past him, the glass crunching under my sandals.   
“You’re gonna reimburse me Kie” Sam calls, I turn back to him a wide smile on my face.   
“Of course, but you said so yourself Sam, it’d gonna take a lifetime” I grin, before lifting my middle finger towards him. I turn away from him, moving past the hoards of people.   
“Kie you were amazing” Sarah grabs my hand, her voice filled with excitement. I still felt angry and unsatisfied.   
“He’s so mad” Pope laughs, as John B and his rush towards us, wide happy smiles on their faces. I notice JJ isn’t here, So I turn, bumping into Sarah. He’s still talking to Sam, a hard look on his face. I feel panicked, like maybe I started something that JJ’s gonna finish. But then JJ turns, his eyes connecting with mine, the hard look on his face falls and morphs into something softer. He turns back to Sam, but I can’t make out what he’s saying, only how irritated Sam looks. JJ reaches out, and pats Sam roughly on the shoulder, a smirk on his face. Then he pushes past him, towards us, his eyes back on mine. It suddenly felt hard to breathe, and I could feel my heartbeat in my cheeks.   
“What did he say?” John B asks him, as he stops in front of me.   
“He was just bullshitting” JJ laughs. I notice a smudge of grease on his cheek that I didn’t notice before. I have to squeeze my hand into a fist to keep from reaching out.  
“He looked fucking mad” Pope comments, JJ finally turns away from me, and I let out a small puff of air.   
“Hey, that was all Kie, you know how annoying she can be” JJ explains, and I scoff as he turns back to me amused.   
“You should be thanking me Maybank” I reply sharply. I’m expecting another sarcastic comment, but that soft look pops back up onto his face.   
“I will admit that what you did was fucking awesome,” He remarks, and I let out a small laugh. “Now can we drink?” He asks, and I sigh, rolling my eyes.


	18. I'm Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finished the chapter way earlier than I expected, so hope you guys enjoy it!!

“This is nice” Sarah chirps happily. I turn to her, and she stares off at the water, watching the boys paddle out. I got here late, so I’m currently waxing up my board. It’s been a week since she apologized and since she and John B worked things out. By worked things out I mean, a lot of longing looks and small smiles. Mostly on her part, but I’m sure John B is better at hiding it. Her eyes linger on John B as he sits back, his hands dipping into the water.   
“Watching John B?” I ask, she turns to me quickly her eyes wide. I shrug and turn back to my surfboard.   
“Is it that obvious?” She whispers as they might overhear. I look back at her, and I felt my heart clutch in my chest at her somber eyes.   
“It’s just because I’m with you all the time, also I’m sure it’s the same for him” I exclaim, her eyes widen immensely.   
“You think?” She asks, hope filling her voice. I let my eyes travel over to John B, who’s cheering wildly for Pope. He was scared of being with her, that much was obvious, but did that mean he was over her, I don’t think so.   
“I think he’s just scared” I admit turning back to her, she nods. “if you really want to get back together, then you need to fight for him,” I tell her as she digs her toes into the sand.   
“I want to, I just don’t know how to” She replies, her cheeks pink.   
“Just don’t give up on him” my eyes move to JJ who paddles next to John B. “They’re tough, but it’s mostly a front, to see who’s willing to stay” I explain quietly.   
“So he just needs to know I’ll stay?” She asks, I nod, moving my gaze back to my board. I shove the wax into my bag and stand up with my board.   
“I’m gonna go surf a little, you okay here?” I ask, as the wind pushes my hair over my face.   
“Ya, I’ll admire the view” She giggles, and I let out a small laugh in response. I walk to the water, the sand sinking under each step.   
“Finally” John B calls, a wide inviting smile on his face. I paddle out, the cool water helping with the scorching heat.   
“You got next,” JJ says as I slide up next to them. Pope is paddling out, trying an oncoming wave.   
“So you and Sarah are good right?” I ask John B, trying to sound nonchalant.   
“Ya,” He laughs, giving me a confused look.   
“Just curious if you know ex’s can be friends” I explain, trying to gauge his reaction. “You know without residual feelings” I add, he nods his eyes traveling over my face.   
“Why are you curious?” John B asks, a small smirk on his face.   
“You’re up” JJ interrupts, as Pope swims back to us.   
“Just curious” I reply before I start paddling out. The water is calm under me, but I keep my eyes peeled for any cresting waves in the distance. I feel the water swish under me before I spot the growing wave. I hear the boys cheer loudly, and it makes me smile. The cheering gets louder as the wave grows under me and I stand, knees bent. Their whistles only propel me forward, and for the first time in a while, I feel completely free. No thoughts burdening me, and I actually feel in control of myself. I bend lower entering a small tunnel wave, I laugh from giddiness. When I paddle back to the boys they all clap enthusiastically, which makes me roll my eyes, but smile.   
“You're close to beating JJ,” Pope says, and JJ scoffs, his eyes wide.   
“Hey, remember who taught you all” JJ points around us, I laugh, pushing a stray curl from my face.   
“The student becomes the master” I wink at him, he shakes his head smiling. I spot a wave beginning to rise, and I start paddling out quickly. The water is choppy, and the current is pulling me the opposite way but I push forward. I notice the water has turned darker, the sun sinking behind the clouds. I think there’s suppose to be a storm tonight, so we’ll probably head in after this wave.   
“Kie, it’s too big” I hear Pope call, worry lacing his words.   
“It’s fine” I yell back over the sound of the rushing water. I turn as the wave moves under my board, and I stand. I can feel the choppiness of the water under my feet, but I bend my knees a little more, steadying myself. This has to be one of the biggest waves I’ve ever ridden on, and it seems to be growing under me. The clouds above me darken and swell. I’m distracted so my footing slips, as the water splashes over me, but I quickly catch myself. I regain my footing and turn towards the boys, wanting to give them a reassuring thumbs-up. My board wiggles wildly under me, and before I have a chance to duck the wave breaks and pushes me into the water. I slam into my board before the current pulls me under, my body spinning uncontrollably. I wave my arms frantically, and finally, I start to move upwards towards the surface. I pop up onto the surface, sucking in a long breathe. I look around for my board, and spot it a couple feet away, but before I have the chance to swim towards it another wave breaks over me, pulling me back under. My lungs burn as the water gets sucked up into my nose. I try to push up, but the current rolls around me, pulling me down. Panic seizes my body, and I feel myself slipping further into the current. I keep waving my arms frantically, hoping for a break in the wave above me, praying actually. Finally, I move up, slowly too slowly as the air inside me dissipates. I feel an arm wrap around me tightly, and I could cry of happiness. Then we’re rocketing upwards towards the foamy surface. I gasp for air, the burn intensifying as we bob up. My curls fall into my face, and I feel too weak to pull them back, still trying to catch my breath.   
“Breathe Kie” JJ’s voice booms over me, as my he pushes my hair from my face. We’re a couple of feet away from the shore, and I can see the panic on his face. I move my exhausted arms to wrap around his neck, holding myself tightly against him.   
“Thank you” I breathe, my voice light. He doesn’t respond, his focus ahead of us, towards the shore. I feel the sand under my feet, and I sigh in relief. He stands, and I try to find my footing, but my legs feel like jelly. He lifts me, his arms under my knee and around my waist. “Kie, oh my god” I hear Sarah, she sounds distressed.   
“I’m fine” I sigh as I lean my head on JJ’s chest, shutting my eyes and sucking in a breathe. I feel him place me gently on the sand, and I quickly open my eyes.   
“Look at me” He moves his hands from under my knee to my chin, pulling my face in his direction. He looks over my face desperately, and something inside me clicks.  
“I’m okay” I assure, he doesn’t connect with my eyes instead he tilts my face to inspect my jaw and neck. I reach up, my fingers connecting with his, on my chin. He freezes, and finally looks me in the eye. “I’m okay,” I say again, and he releases a breathe, pulling his hand away quickly. I miss his warmth instantly.   
“Kie, we told you it was too big” Pope steps forward, and I nod pushing a curl stuck to my cheek. “You could have been really hurt” He adds, his tone softer now.   
“I know, it was stupid. I guess my ego got too big” I joke, but they all look at me with wide concerned eyes, except JJ, who’s looking out towards the water. “I’m fine” I stand, brushing the sand off my hands. My legs still feel like jelly, but I try to keep myself steady.   
“You’re gonna be dizzy Kie, you were under there for a while,” JJ says, his hand moving to grip my side, steadying me. “Trust me” He adds his eyes hard, I nod.   
“Kie, oh my god I got so scared” Sarah rushes forward, her eyes glossy as she pulls me in for a hug, I wince as she squeezes tightly.   
“Did you hurt your ribs?” JJ asks as he bends to inspect my sides.   
“I don’t think so” I mumble as Sarah pulls away   
“Sorry” She mumbles, I smile reassuringly at her.   
“Did you hit your board?” He asks, looking up at me.   
“Ya before I went down the first time” I admit, and he nods, his fingers ghosting over my side. Goosebumps break out on my skin.   
“They might bruise” he pulls away, and I wince at the loss of contact. “Sorry,” He notices, probably assume he pressed too hard.   
“Well let’s go get you some ice” Sarah exclaims, making me chuckle lightly.   
“And food,” I ask, she nods vigorously. I step forward, a wave of dizziness explodes in my head, and I reach out for JJ.   
“I got you,” He says, gently pulling me in.   
“Water too” I mumble, he laughs. “Wheres my board?” I ask, turning to him, he gives me an incredulous look. “It’s perfect J, you know how hard it is to break in a board” I groan, and he smiles rolling his eyes at me.   
“I’ll go get it” He turns towards the water and John B takes my hand, now holding me steady against him.   
“You don’t have to” I insist noting the rocky waves, he gives me that JJ look and rushes towards the water. Thankfully, my board washed up on the beach, so he doesn’t have to get into the water. He picks it up, and turns back, running back to us. “Thank you” I smile widely at him, he nods and winks at me. I want to move back into his embrace, but John B is already starting towards the van, as Sarah grabs my backpack.   
“You scared the shit out of me Kie” John B whispers, his arm moving to circle my waist. “Sorry” I smile up at him, his eyes travel over my face and I suddenly want to move away from him. The moment feeling loaded and awkward.  
…  
We decide to grab snacks and drinks and go back to the Chateau for a movie night. I wanted to thank JJ properly, but he wouldn’t even look at me, his eyes are glued the ground. John B stops at the corner store so we can grab some snacks.   
“You coming Kie?” Sarah asks, grabbing her bag. I pull my knees up to my chest and shake my head. “What do you want?” She asks  
“Blue Powerade and a bag of peanut M&M's,” I tell her, she nods and Pope, John B and her pile out.   
“You're not coming JJ?” Pope asks  
“Nah” He responds, his eyes not moving.   
“Same as Kie then?” Pope asks   
“Regular M&M’s,” I tell him, just as JJ says the same thing.   
“Got it” Pope shuts the door. I move my gaze out the window, watching as an elderly woman steps into a sports car, very slowly.   
“You’d think she’d break a hip” JJ comments, and I turn towards him quickly. He’s shifted, so now he’s staring out one of the windows.   
“Worth it” I reply, and he chuckles lowly. I run my hand up and down my calf, trying to get rid of the goosebumps still on my skin. He turns to me finally, his eyes filled with something I can’t quite decipher.   
“You still dizzy?” He asks, his voice quiet.   
“A little” I admit, but now I’m not sure it’s from the accident earlier. He licks his lips and I notice his gaze move to my lips, which makes me shiver. “Thank you” I blurt, my voice kind of shaky. His eyes spring up to meet mine, and he shrugs.   
“Not a big deal” He responded.   
“Well I could have drowned” I huff, and his cheeks turn pink.   
“You’re strong you probably didn't need my help” He turns back towards the window. I felt annoyance shoot through me, at his refusal to accept my thanks.   
“Fuck JJ, you are so annoying” I groan, and he raises his eyebrows, his gaze back on mine.   
“Okay” He laughs   
“Just admit you did something good, you helped” I move my hands wildly, his eyebrows knit together.   
“I’m confused are you mad or thankful?” He asks, and I roll my eyes.   
“I’m mad that you won’t admit you helped me and you won’t accept my thanks” I explain, my voice sharp. “It’s so hard for you to admit you’re a good human being” I huff, turning away from him, back out the window.   
“I..” He starts, but the door swings open and the rest of the sentence dies.   
“The guy behind the counter was cute Kie” Sarah turns to face me, a wide smile on her face.   
“Ya Bart is a real Casanova” I comment, she chuckles   
“No, a new guy, Dylan” She replies, I nod, keeping my eyes glued to the road outside.   
…  
John B lets out a soft snore, as I watch the credits roll. Everyone fell asleep before the movie ended, and it was just after midnight. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, so I started to move off the couch. Sarah shifts against me, her head falling against John B’s shoulder, and I freeze. I wince as I pull the blanket off of me, my ribs aching. When I stand, I almost land in the bowl of popcorn, but thankfully I catch myself and move around it. Sarah snuggles further into John B almost like she knows it’s him, even in her sleep. Pope falls into my seat, letting out a long satisfies sigh. I grab a discarded blanket from the ground before I make my way to the back porch. The moon hangs high in the sky, casting a bright silver light across the backyard. I sit down on the first stair, pulling the blanket tightly around me. The air was cool, not cold, but the light breeze did send goosebumps onto my arms. I reach back into my pocket, pulling out JJ’s lighter which I’ve been purposefully holding onto. He dropped it beside my bed one night he slept over, and I was going to give it back, but I always seemed to forget. I run my thumb across the J engraved in the metal, a pang shooting through me. I guess I liked having it with me, it was like a piece of him with me, always. Pathetic, I know. I clutch the cold lighter tightly in my hand and move my gaze back to the moon. I hear the screen door creak open, but I don’t look back, already knowing it’s JJ.   
“Did I wake sleeping beauty?” I ask, a chuckle on my lips. I keep my eyes on the glowing moon, as he sits down beside me, his warmth already soaking my side.   
“No, the stupid credits did” He mumbles, voice low and rumbly. I turn to him than a small smile morphing onto my face. He rubs at his eyes, a small yawn escaping his lips. I hated how adorable he looked when he was sleeping, okay I didn’t hate it! He turns his smile crooked, and sleep still evident in his face. “Can’t sleep?” He asks, dropping his hand between us, close to mine.   
“You know me, I’m a night owl. It’s still early” I shrug, but he doesn’t smile, his eyes just move casually over my face. “What?” I blurt, his eyebrows knit together, clearly confused.   
“What?” He asks, and I sigh, pushing my curls away from my face.   
“Why do you look at me like that?” I ask, my voice dropping lower. I notice his cheeks tint pink, and he quickly looks away from me.   
I”m about to backtrack, tell him I didn’t mean it like that when he says “How come you’re the only one who’s allowed to be worried?” I stare at his side profile, confused! He was worried, about what?   
“I.. what do you mean?” I ask him confused, he turns back to me, a harder look in his eyes now. I miss the unguarded one from earlier.   
“I’m your friend to Kie, I’m allowed to worry about you” He replies, his voice sharp.   
“You don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine” I insist and he scoffs   
“I’m fine” He repeats “you know if I had a quarter every time you said that I’d be a Kook by now” he exclaims, and I groan lightly.   
“I am fine JJ, what could possibly be wrong?” I ask, my voice sounding defensive even to my own ears.   
“I don’t know, but I do know somethings wrong, I can see it on your face” He huffs, and another sharp pang shoots through me. My heart was thumping, and I didn't know how to answer him. I turn away from his prying gaze, but his fingers move to my chin and pull my gaze back to his. “If you can be there for me when I need you then I can do the same” He explains, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. “Your problems are important okay, so don’t try to ignore them because you have some lame ass excuse about other things being more important! You are important” My stomach flips violently, and I can feel tears burning behind my eyes. His thumb lightly brushes my chin, before his fingers fall away, leaving me cold.   
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” I whisper “I just feel..” The word dies on my tongue and I drop my eyes, they land on our fingers inches apart. “Have you ever wanted something so badly it scares the shit out of you?” I ask, meeting his eyes. His eyes move quickly down to my eyes and back up, my heart jumps in response.   
“Yes” He answers, his voice rough and low. I shut my eyes and place my forehead gently against his.   
“I’m scared,” I say it so quietly I’m not sure he heard, but then he lets out a soft puff of air, and it sounds like he’s agreeing. My eyes open and meet his, his pupils are blown, and I can see the answer in them. He wanted this, he couldn’t look at me like that and not be thinking the same thing I am. I reach up, placing my hand gently on the side of his face, letting my thump run along his jaw. He inches forward, and my heart just about leaps out of my chest. Our lips brush together, and a tingle burns inside me.   
“I’m scared,” He says, and I sigh. He did want this just as badly as me, and I felt a bubble of excitement pop inside me, making me giggle against his lips. Then I hear “Kie” and the bubble burns away, and we spring so far apart, I hit the railing. We’re both staring at each other eyes wide and breathes rapid. Then the doors being opened and John B walks out, his eyes moving between us.   
“Hey,” he says, and I drop my gaze down to my lap. “What are you guys doing?” He asks, and my heart races wildly in my chest.   
“I was just gonna roll a joint” JJ replies quickly, which leaves me kind of dizzy.   
“Nice” John B moves between us, and I shift away, hoping my wildly beating heart slows soon. “Dude that movie sucked” John B exclaims, as I pull the blanket that fell off of me around my shoulders.   
“Ya that's why I fell asleep” JJ laughs, but it sounds squeaky and unsure.   
“What about you Kie, did you fall asleep?” John B asks, and my mouth suddenly goes dry.   
“No” I answer shortly before standing.   
“You good, where are you going?” John B asks, and I finally meet his curious eyes.   
“I’m actually wiped, so I’m gonna go sleep” I explain moving towards the door.   
“Kie” JJ’s voice booms just before I step inside, I freeze. “Take my room, you can’t sleep on the couch with your ribs” He explains, and I feel my throat tighten.   
“Thanks” I reply before I rush inside. JJ’s smell surrounds me as I tunnel under his sheets, ready to fall into a deep, hopefully, restful sleep. I pull his comforter up to my neck, shutting my eyes tightly, like that’ll keep the moment from earlier, from playing on a loop inside my head. Newsflash, it didn’t!


	19. Tidal Wave

I groan as a sharp pain shoots through my side. My eyes close again and I’m just about to fall back asleep when I shift and another intense pain explodes through me. I sit up quickly, my hand moving to my bruised ribs. The blanket falls off of me, and I quickly pull up my shirt. It was hard to see for myself, but I did catch some of the bright purple bruise that has formed. I groan and pull my hair up into a bun, before I make my way to the bathroom. It hurt to walk, and breathe, and a gross thought bloomed in my head. This is what JJ had to deal with all of the time, after his many “Accidents” I feel nauseous and clutch at the bathroom sink. Then last night bursts behind my eyelids, and I breathe in a calming breath. We were so close to kissing, his lips touched mine before John B interrupted. What did this mean? What happens now? Did it even mean anything, or was It just lust? The thought makes me let out a bitter laugh. What if it was just lust-filled, wouldn’t that make so much more sense. I felt the familiar hardening of my mind, like the reflex wall I built was springing up into action. I would just wait and see, and if he didn’t say anything then that would mean it was a mistake. I splash some cold water on my face and brush my teeth as best I could with my finger and some toothpaste. When I open the door I bump into a hard chest, which causes pain to burst through me.   
“Sorry,” John B says, his voice still filled with sleep.   
“It’s fine” I move away from the door so he can get into the bathroom. “Hey, how are you feeling?” He asks before he shuts the door to the bathroom, I turn to face him.   
“Fine, ya” the throb in my side begging to differ. “I’m gonna make some coffee, if you guys have it” I laugh, pointing to the kitchen.   
“I think we do from the last time you brought some over” he smiles, I nod. I walk slowly to the kitchen, trying to not focus on the throb of my ribs. Luckily there is coffee for me, which I’m eternally grateful for. I start brewing, and lean back against the counter, watching the coffee start to drip down the pot.   
“Coffee?” JJ’s asks, and I turn towards him quickly, wincing slightly. He notices of course, and his eyebrows crease with worry.   
“Ya,” I drop my gaze to the counter. I hear him step towards me, and I can feel my heart rate quicken.   
“How bad?” He asks quietly, and I can’t help but meet his gaze. His eyes are soft, and It makes me feel warm inside.   
“I’m okay” I assure, and he glares slightly, which makes me laugh lightly.   
“Morning” Sarah yawns as she walks into the kitchen, her hair wild around her head.   
“Morning” I turn to her, she looks between JJ and me.   
“Did I interrupt?” She asks, I shake my head.   
“No, just talking about coffee” I lie, and she nods, as she sits down on one of the half-broken lawn chairs.   
“What time did we pass out?” She laughs, as she ties her hair up.   
“You fell asleep pretty early” I nod turning back to the coffee pot, which has filled up. I reach up on my tiptoes to grab the mugs, and it feels like all the breathe has been sucked out of me. I feel JJ’s hand on my hip, steadying me as I fall back slightly. I keel forward, the pain kind of blinding.   
“Icepack Sarah” JJ commands, and I hear her run forward, the lawn chair scraping against the wood.   
“I’m fine” I try to pull away, but his grip is tight   
“Can you stop being so stubborn” He huffs. Sarah hands him the icepack and he lifts my shirt, his eye roam over my side. “Kie” He states, his voice on edge. His eyes move up to meet mine, and the look mirrors mine when I first saw how badly he was bruised that first day, when everything changed.   
“Shit Kie, that looks like it hurts” Sarah takes my hand in hers.   
“I didn't think it looked that bad” I explain, as JJ’s fingers ghost across the sensitive area.   
“Shit, you’re a badass” Sarah chuckles, and I suck in a sharp breath, as JJ rubs his thumb across the bruise.   
“Sorry” He mumbles as he stands, holding the icepack gently to my side. “You have to sit down” He orders, his tone firm. I nod, about to move away from his grasp, but he gently pulls me flush against his side, and starts helping me to the couch. He takes my hand in his as he helps me down on the couch, my fingers tingle.   
“I’ll go grab you another pillow” Sarah expresses before she runs off. JJ makes me lay down, and places the icepack against my side, tucking it into the blanket first.   
“Thank you,” I say, he looks up, and he looks angry. “You can’t be mad at me JJ” I comment, he scoffs and stands up. “Could you not scoff and talk like an adult” I stated angrily.   
“I will when you do” He replies, and my eyes widen   
“What does that mean?” I ask   
“You acting like this doesn’t matter, being careless with it, is childish Kie” he explains, his voice low.   
“Hey, I’m just acting like you” I muse, and his eyes burn into mine. I knew this wasn’t productive but I couldn’t help it, I was annoyed.   
“Kie” He exclaims.   
“I’m curious, is it because I’m a girl or am I more fragile?” I ask annoyed   
“No, it’s because I know how badly it hurts, and I don’t want you fucking it up more!” He responded “But you obviously know everything” He sneers and turns to walk away.   
“JJ” I shift up, and pain shoots through me “Fuck” I groan loudly, clutching my side. I hear his footsteps move back towards me.   
“I told you not to move to fast” He kneels next to me, his hand moving to my lower back, rubbing small soothing circles.   
“Ya well, maybe if you didn't run away from me” I sigh as the pain begins to subside. I turn to face him, his face close to mine.   
“You always have to be right” he groans, but the small smile on his lips gives him away.   
“I am always right” I reply, and he rolls his eyes. “I get that I should take it easy and you’re just being protective, but I really didn't expect it to get this bad” I explain gently, his smile softens.   
“I know” He nods “Now I know how you feel” He gulps and my stomach flips.   
“Ya, it’s not pleasant JJ” I shove him lightly, he chuckles but it sounds stuffy.   
“Sorry I took so long, I was filling John B in” Sarah interrupts, both of us turn to her and John B.   
“It’s fine I was just telling JJ that I could really use some waffles, you know for the pain” I smile wildly, and JJ chuckles. Sarah hands me the pillow and JJ helps me place it so that My head is elevated.   
“Waffles then?” John B asks, his eyes on mine, I nod.   
“Please” I add, and he smiles. John B moves towards me, and JJ stands moving away. He kneels down next to me a concerned look on his face. “You should have told me how bad it was this morning” He huffs, and I nod   
“Ya, but I need my badass rep” I explain, and he laughs placing his hand gently on my arm.   
“Waffles” He nods, his eyes moving to my lips, I nod turning away from him.   
“Extra maple syrup” I instruct, Sarah nods in response. That’s when Pope decides to wake up, he looks up from his spot on the floor, and I let out a small laugh.   
“Waffles?” He murmurs before he lets out a loud yawn.   
“Snooze you lose,” John B remarks, and Pope sits up quickly.   
“You haven’t left yet” he groans, and John B shrugs.   
“Dude I want waffles” Pope exclaims, making all of us laugh along. Pope stands and runs towards John B, who has already caught on and started running to the front door.   
“Boys” Sarah giggles, and I nod. “You coming JJ?” She asks, and I turn towards him. He had his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the wooden floor.   
“Nah, I need coffee before I can interact with anyone else” he explains turning to face her. “Plus I have to shower” He adds, and I try not to smile   
“Okay, well we’ll be quick, and I’ll grab you coffee on the way back” Sarah grins, I smile thankfully. “Love you” She calls as she rushes out the front door. JJ turns to me and I smile wildly at him.   
“Don’t be flattered I really do have to shower” He states, and I nod, my smile growing.   
“Sure” I nod, and he lets out a soft huff of air in response. “Keeping icing that and shut up” he points at me before he turns walking down the hall.   
“Have an amazing shower” I yell after him laughing.   
…  
“I’m really okay” I assure Sarah for the fiftieth time tonight. After a lot of convincing on my part, we decided to go to the boneyard for some drinks. The only reason I pushed so hard for it was because I didn’t want them to be stuck at the Chateau because of me.   
“Can I ask you something?” Sarah whispers  
“You just did” I reply, and she rolls her eyes smiling.   
“Do you think if I flirt with John B tonight, he’ll flirt back?” She asks, and I let my gaze move to John B who’s walking ahead of us with JJ and Pope.   
“I don’t know” I respond honestly. I knew he was trying to move on, so I wasn’t sure if he’d reciprocate it, but I knew there would always be something there with them. “But you could try” I add, noticing the drop of her smile.   
“But I don’t want to look like an idiot” She exclaims  
“You won't” I nudge her “Just start off light” I suggest, she nods. The boys turn back to us then, John B’s eyes found mine, he smiles.   
“Drinks?” He asks  
“Ya I could use a couple” I reply, and he chuckles in response.   
“I’ll come with,” Sarah says, he turns to her and nods before his eyes move back to mine.   
“Get me two bro” JJ pats him on the shoulder, and John B rolls his eyes.   
“Pope” Someone calls, we all turn and spot Sabrina walking towards us. She had her hair down in tight curls, and she was wearing a lilac sundress.   
“Hey” Pope responds, sounding kind of stiff and unprepared.   
“I haven’t seen you in a while, I missed you” She laughs, reaching out to place her small hand on his arm, gently.   
“Ya, I’ve been busy” Pope stumbles, clearly uncomfortable.   
“So, you want to catch up, get a drink?” She asks, biting her bottom lip. I step forward and grab Pope’s hand, he turns towards me confused.   
“You promised me a drink” I interrupt, giving him a small innocent smile, Pope nods, confusion still stuck on his face.   
“Oh” Sabrina looks between us, an angry pinched look on her face. “So this is a thing?” She asks, her tone sharp.   
“I don’t know what you mean Bree” I lean my head on Pope’s shoulder, sighing happily, she glares.   
“See you around” She states before she rushes off, kicking sand up behind her.   
“I’m confused” Pope mumbles   
“I was saving you remember” I explain, taking a small step away from him, he looks slightly flustered. “Unless you didn't want me to” I add apologetically, he shakes his head.   
“No, thank you” he smiles, I nod. Everyone is staring at me with a weird look.   
“What?” I ask, they look away quickly and I pull my sweater tighter around me. Sarah places her hand on John B’s shoulder and whispers something to him.   
“We’re gonna go get the drinks” Sarah explains, taking John B’s hand and pulling him forward.   
“Well, that didn't take long” Pope comments, as soon as their out of earshot.   
“I don’t know he told me he wasn’t interested” I add, moving to sit down on the log, my side aching slightly.   
“He did?” JJ asks, his eyebrows knitted together.   
“Ya, he said that he didn't think it was their time” I run my hands up and down my calf. Pope plops down next to me letting out a small huff. “You don’t think so?” I ask, he shrugs   
“I think he’s just hurt, putting on an act” He explains, I nod.   
“Ya, I told him there would always be something there, I mean it’s Sarah and John B” I laugh, JJ cards his fingers through his hair, shifting.   
“What do you think JJ?” Pope asks, and JJ turns to him quickly with a weird look.   
“I don’t know” He mumbles, his voice stiff. He was definitely acting weird.   
“You don’t know?” Pope laughs, he nods “Since when you know everything, or you at least have an opinion” Pope expresses, and JJ seems to freeze.   
“It’s none of my business” He argues, and Pope’s eyes widen “I’m gonna go check on the drinks” He adds quickly before he basically runs off. Pope and I stare after him, completely confused at what just happened. “What’s up his ass?” Pope huffs, I shrug.   
“Maybe he’s just annoyed of all the drama” I suggest, Pope nods lightly.   
“Aren't we all” Pope whispers just before he turns to me “Do you think there’s something up with JJ lately, like he’s been acting different” Pope explains, worry evident in his eyes. I feel myself flush, as vivid images of us together float through me.   
“Different how?” I ask, he sighs scratching his chin.   
“Distant I guess” He elaborates. “Maybe it’s nothing” He adds quickly just as JJ, John B, and Sarah make their way towards us with drinks in their hands. I can’t help but feel guilty, JJ was being distant with Pope, because of what we were doing. John B hands me a beer, and I smile up at him gratefully. I notice Sarah gaze over at us, a dopey look on her face. John B sits down beside me, his thigh pressed against mine.   
“Nice night” John B mumbles, and I let out a small chuckle.   
“Nice night, really?” I ask before I sip my beer.   
“Shut up” He nudges me lightly. I notice JJ’s gaze move between us, a weird, stiff look on his face.   
“Have you noticed anything different with JJ?” I whisper, John B raises his eyebrows and looks over at him. JJ quickly looks away, taking a step towards Pope.   
“Not really” John B mutters in response “He’s JJ” He adds, and I nod. “Why, what have you noticed” He leans closer to me, his face close to mine.   
“Nothing” I blurt, my cheeks burning.   
“Nothing, so why did you ask me?” He laughs lightly, licking his lips.   
“It was stupid, just asking” I stammer, sipping my beer, he nods.   
“I have noticed how nice you look tonight though” he states, and I freeze, beer bottle against my lips. Was he flirting with me? “I look like shit” I laugh, feeling my cheeks burn.   
“You never look like shit Kie, it’s like impossible” He smiles widely, I shift feeling my heart hammer in my chest. I was completely confused, and I didn't know how to respond.   
“Well, thanks” I reply, looking away from his too observant eyes. Sarah gives me a look like “What do I do” and I shrug.   
“How are things with Sarah?” I blurt, turning back to him, he sighs, running his fingers through his thick hair.   
“Fine, it’s nice to be civil” he quips, and I nod.   
“She looks pretty tonight, right” I shove him with my shoulder, and he lets out a small huff of air.   
“Ya, I guess” He nods squinting his eyes at me. “I didn’t really notice” his eyes lock onto mine, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. Why was he acting so intense?!   
“Topper” Sarah greets, and both of us turn towards her. Topper leans in kissing Sarah’s cheek, I cringe. She pulls back quickly, her eyes wide and frantic. “What are you doing here?” She asks  
“I’m with some friends” He gives her a weird look, and she nods pushing some hair from her face. I notice John B staring with wide intrigued eyes. Sarah turns to me with pleading eyes, and I kind of panic.   
“Hey, want to go for a walk?” I ask John B, he turns to me confused “You know by the water, just because?” I add, he chuckles.   
“Sure, I’m down” He nods, I take his hand and pull him away from Topper and Sarah.   
“Don’t you just love the water?” I ask as the waves crash loudly in front of us  
“Ya it’s alright I guess” He laughs, and I notice he hasn’t let go of my hand, so I pull it away, placing it in my jacket pocket. “Remember when JJ taught us how to surf?” He adds softly, I smile and nod. “And you would always say how we needed to appreciate the waves” He adds with a small chuckle.   
“Hey” I shove him “We do need to appreciate the earth in every way possible” I exclaim, he nods biting down on his lower lip.   
“You were always so smart” he replies  
“Was as in past tense?” I ask, and he laughs   
“You're the smartest person I know” he responded, his tone becoming intense again.   
“I know” I smirk, but he doesn’t smile back instead he stops walking, his eyes blaring into mine.   
“You remember when I told you I had a crush on you” His voice is soft among the loud waves.   
“Vaguely, like a long time ago right?” I laugh, but it sounds kind of like a cough.   
“Ya” He looks down at the sand “Except things have been feeling different lately” his gaze moves back up to mine, and I freeze. “I know it’s weird and honestly I don’t know how to explain it” He mumbles, and I shake my head.   
“John B” I whisper as a sort of warning, and he steps closer. I want to move back, or run but I can’t move. His eyes were too soft for this moment, and I didn't know what to do.   
“I know it’s confusing, I’m confusing” He exclaims, his hand reaching out for mine. “But I just want to try something” He whispers, and finally I feel like I can move or speak, but it happens so quickly that I’m back to shock and frozen in place. His lips are on mine, and his hand moves to the base of my neck holding me steady. He tasted like beer and peppermint. Irritation flooded me, and I placed my hands on his chest and shoved him back roughly. His eyes are wide and he’s breathing rapidly, trying to catch his breath I guess.   
“What the hell” I spit out, feeling my heart race. I was so confused I didn't even know how to feel or what to say to him, so instead, I ran as fast as possible.   
“Kie” I hear him call but I don’t stop. I keep running even when my side is aching and my head starts pounding loudly inside my skull. John B kissed me, and I hated the guilt that was starting to swarm inside of me. JJ popped into my head, and It felt like a wave hit me again, shoving me under the cool unrelenting water. I was gasping for air. Then Sarah and guilt broke inside of me filling me up until it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe.


	20. News To Me

A soft knock sounds at my door, but I make no effort to answer it, only moving deeper under my covers. It’s been three days since John B kissed me, and I can’t get out of bed. The knock sounds again, and I feel anxiety erupt inside of me. I couldn’t handle talking to anyone right now, not even my parents who have been checking in on me every couple of hours when they’re home. I hear the door creak open, and I shut my eyes, lying as still as possible. I expect my mom, she usually says goodnight and turns off my lamp. Dad usually just peaks his head in.  
“Kie” JJ’s voice booms in the silent room. My eyes bounce open and I stare at the wall in shock. Why is he here? “Kie, I know you’re awake because you’re not snoring” He adds, but I still don’t move. I needed him to leave, I couldn’t tell him anything.  
“Please leave” I state, my voice hoarse, He steps forward, the bed dipping under him.  
“What the fuck is going on?” He asks, his voice hard.  
“Nothing, just go,” I say, my voice getting louder.  
“I’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck happened that night at the boneyard, you ran off and John B didn't tell us anything” He exclaims, and I’m grateful that he didn't. I was worried he had when Sarah stopped calling me yesterday.  
“Nothing happened, I’m fine” I sit up, pulling the blanket with me. He had grease smeared on his face so I know he came here straight after work. His face was hard, but his eyes looked worried and it only made me feel worse.  
“Kie” He starts, but I quickly interrupt him with a loud sigh  
“Nothing happened okay, so leave me alone!” I state, turning away from him, my arms crossed. I needed him to leave before the tears building in my eyes fell.  
“You’re a terrible liar Kie.” He replies, and I turn back to him, glaring. “You wouldn’t be pushing this hard if nothing happened and I’m not leaving till you tell me what happened” He exclaims, his voice firm.  
“I don’t want you here” I state, and he just gives me a defiant look “JJ, leave” I add, my voice ice cold.  
“What’s wrong?” He asks again, and I feel my heart start to pound in my chest, and my throat tightened.  
“Leave” I breathe, but the room was starting to spin, and I felt the pounding in my cheeks. He needed to leave before I had this panic attack, he couldn’t see me like this. “Please” I sound scared even to myself, and I notice JJ’s face slacken as he looks over me with concern. “Get out, please” I add, but it’s airy and not convincing. I stand on my wobbly legs, hoping it steadies me, it doesn’t. My breathing was rapid, and my head was pounding so hard I started to feel dizzy.  
“I can’t breathe okay so I need you to leave, I need you to leave” I explain frantically. JJ stands, his eyes mirroring my panic. He moves around the bed and stands in front of me.  
“You're okay” He assures and I shake my head.  
“I’m, I’m not, and I can’t breathe” I stumble back, my chest burning. Everything was blurry and It felt like I couldn’t take a full breathe, my panic triples. Then I feel his hands land on my hips, pulling me towards him. I shut my eyes tightly, as the sound of the blood whooshing through my veins booms through my head. The kiss replayed vividly behind my closed eyelids, and I let out a small gasp, as guilt ground itself inside of me, imbedding itself inside my skin. Every scary thought was racing through me and I didn't know how to stop it, it just seemed to intensify. Then I felt JJ’s hands shift against me, as he pulled me into a tight hug.  
“Breath Kie” He whispered in my ear, and it sounded so clear so steady. I hug him back tightly, moving my hands so that they wrap around his neck, holding him against me. His hard chest against mine seemed to ground me back into reality. Helping with the fogginess inside my head. Then I squeezed my eyes tighter as another wave of guilt poured over me. His hands moved up to my cheeks, holding my face firmly in his hands. “Look at me” he states, and my eyes open automatically. His eyes were intense and firm. I tried to take a breath, but it still felt choppy and short. “You're okay, I promise. Just focus on me okay, look at me Kie” He explains, his thumb tracing over my lower lip. My heartbeat finally felt normal, like it wasn’t going to beat out of my chest, which helped when I tried to take another full breath. I run my fingers up the back of his neck, entangling them with his soft locks. I let out a small sigh of relief as the ground around me stopped spinning. I lean forward, placing my forehead against his. I felt like crying, the tears burned behind my eyes.  
“I’m sorry” I whisper, my heart aching as I play with a strand of his fluffy hair.  
“Don’t apologize, never apologize about that?” he remarks strongly, I nod. “I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier, I tried but it was too late and you were already asleep, I should have tried harder” He exclaims, and my heart stumble in my chest. I had heard him knock on my window each night, but I couldn’t deal with it, I couldn’t look at him so I pretended to be asleep.  
“No, I knew you were there I was just..” I let the sentence fall.  
“I should have tried harder” He states and I shake my head against his.  
“You're too good” I mumble, pulling away from him, but he doesn’t let me. “You deserve better” I mumble, and he shakes his head.  
“You’re better, you're the best I could do Kie don’t you get that yet,” He remarks, and I try to pull away again, but he holds me firmly. “You said you’re not better than me, remember? He asks, I nod “Well the same goes for you Kie, I am not too good for you” he adds, and I huff, my heart aching.  
“Except that I fuck things up, I don’t want to fuck you up, you don't deserve that JJ” I finally pull away, pulling my cardigan tighter against me. “You’ve had enough fucked up in your life” I add quietly.  
“What do you fuck up, I don’t understand?” He questioned, and I push some curls that have fallen into my face behind my ear.  
“Nothing, could you just please go” I mumble, feeling myself start to tear up.  
“Kie if you don’t want to be with me like that, if it was only ever sex then I’ll leave and we can go back to being just friends” He steps closer, and his familiar scent wafts over me. “But if you feel like I do, then we can figure It out together” He adds, and my heart starts racing.  
“How do you feel?” I stammer, my cheeks burning.  
“I can’t stop thinking about you, and trust me I understand how corny that sounds but it’s true Kie. Every time you’re in the same room as me all I can focus on is you, and it drives me crazy because for the first time in my life I want to hold someone's hand and do all that stupid shit I see couples do, and I want it with you” he laughs, and all I can do is stare at him with shock. “It’s not just sex for me, it hasn’t been for a long time and I know that you might not feel the same and this might embarrass the shit out of me but I want more than just sex, I want a lot more than just sex” He reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers. My heart was pounding again but this time it made me excited and not scared.  
“So you like want to be my boyfriend,” I ask, my voice wobbling. He chuckles lowly, licking his lips before he answers  
“Yes I want to be your boyfriend Kie” a bubble of excited laughter pops out of me, and he smiles widely at me. “Tell me what you want Kie,” he says, stepping closer to me. His body heat sinks into me, making goosebumps break out onto my skin.  
“I want you JJ” I whisper and before I can say anything else his lips are on mine. He tastes like juicy fruit gum, and It makes me giggle.  
“What?” He pulls away breathless, I shake my head and move my hands so that they wrap around his neck pulling him closer to me.  
“You taste like Juicy Fruit” I giggle, and he grins shaking his head lightly.  
“So I’m kissing you and you’re focused on how I taste like Juicy Fruit?” He laughs, I smile widely up at him.  
“Juicy fruit is good” I assure, and he glares lightly, a small smile on his face.  
“I think I have a pack in the car” He points to the door before he pulls away a smirk on his face.  
“Shut up” I pull him back, both of us stumbling back a little. “I want you, not the juicy fruit” I mumble, my lips against his, he sighs dramatically making me laugh  
“You sure cause I can get you the gum” He responds, and I roll my eyes before I turn us and push him back onto my bed. His smirk slips and it's replaced with shock, as I stand above him, a wicked look on my face.  
“Are you gonna keep talking about the gum or are you gonna prove to me how much you want me Maybank?” I ask before I peel off my shirt revealing my naked chest. His eyes move slowly down my body, as he lets out a soft sigh. I crawl up his body, placing soft kisses along his hard chest.  
“I missed this” He mumbles, his voice hoarse, I look up at him through my lashes.  
“Oh I can tell” I smirk, and he grins “I know how fond you are of seeing me naked” I sit up so I’m now straddling him.  
“Obviously, but that’s not what I’m talking about” He reaches up and runs his thumb across my jaw. “I missed seeing you like this” He explains, and I stare down at him confused. “Horny?” I laugh  
“No inhibitions” He answers “it’s this look you get, like you’re completely free to be you, it’s hard to explain” he adds. My heart hammered in my chest and I felt fondness well in my chest. I knew what he meant because it’s the look I saw in him, and it made my stomach flip and my skin burn. I lean down and place a gentle kiss on his lips. His hands move down my sides sending waves of electricity through me, he stops suddenly and pulls away.  
“How’s your side?” He asks, craning his neck to look at my side, it makes me giggle. “The bruise is almost gone” he states, his fingers moving gently over it, I nod.  
“Not so nice seeing me in pain huh” I quirk my eyebrow, he sighs, a softer look on his face.  
“I’m sorry,” He says, and I shake my head “I’m serious” He states “I’m sorry I put you through that” I move a start piece of hair that fell into his eye.  
“I wasn’t angry at you JJ, I was angry that it was happening” I explain, and he nods  
“I know, because when you got hurt, I was so mad, it was like rage and it wasn’t at you it was at the fucking ocean which I know sounds so fucking crazy” He laughs, and I smile down at him. “But I knew that I never wanted to see you in pain again, and I’d do anything to make sure nothing hurt you, even uncontrollable things” he grins, and I feel warmth radiate over me.  
“I’m never gonna let anything hurt you either, I promise” I respond, his smile drops a more serious look taking over his face. He leans up, taking my face in his hand and capturing my lips in a dizzying kiss. I moan into the kiss, moving my hand to card through his hair. Suddenly I remember where we are and I pull away, leaving us both breathless.  
“My parents” I stand quickly, rushing to the door to lock it.  
“They're asleep” He replies “They didn’t let me in, I know where your spare is” He explains, and I turn to him wide-eyed.  
“How?” I ask, his grin widens  
“I’ll never tell” He winks and I rush back to the bed, jumping back onto him, he groans.  
“Shut up and kiss me” I exclaim, brushing my hair over my shoulder  
“Yes ma’am” He smirks before he connects our lips. He flips us quickly, and I let out a small gasp of surprise. He breaks the kiss, and I’m about to complain when his lips connect with my neck and I arch into him. He moves his lips down my neck, leaving a trail of wet open-mouthed kisses. He trails down my body, stopping at the apex of my thigh.  
“Now this I missed” He expresses, making me laugh “I missed you old friend” He smiles, and I shove him with my knee which makes him chuckle.  
“Don’t tease me Maybank you know how impatient I get” I lean up on my elbows, locking my eyes with his.  
“As you wish” He grins wickedly before he drops down between my legs.  
…  
I run my finger up and down JJ’s chest, relishing In the soft hum that escapes his lips. I could tell he was about to fall asleep by the way his fingers fell slack in my curls. I place a soft kiss to his shoulder, and he mumbles incoherently in response, making me smile widely in the dark. I couldn’t stop smiling, and it made my heart stutter in my chest. I’m so happy in this moment, it’s like a weight off my shoulders, and I can finally breathe. He always makes it easy to breathe. I shift closer to him, soaking up the warmth radiating off him. Suddenly John B popped into my head, and I felt the pressure fall back onto my chest. How was I suppose to tell JJ that the kiss meant nothing now, what if he didn’t believe me? I clutch tighter to him like it’ll help ease the tension in me. I didn't even know why John B kissed me, what I did to make him think I wanted him to. The thought makes me sick with guilt, and I’m about to pull away, when JJ’s hand encircles me, pulling me flush against his side. He had to know I wanted this to how could he not when he made me this fucking happy. I’d talk to John B tomorrow and straighten everything up, make it clear where I stand, where I always stood. Then I’d tell JJ, he deserved to know even if it meant nothing. JJ shifts and leans down placing a soft kiss to my forehead. “Stop thinking so much” He mumbles against my skin, like he knew my anxiety was keeping me up.  
“I don’t think too much” I respond, the wide smile back on my face  
“You definitely do, but that’s why I’m here to help with that” He turns, his arm falling casually over my hip. I lift my finger to touch his lips gently, he puckers his lips playfully.  
“How are you planning to help?” I whisper, tracing my finger down his neck.  
“I have ways to distract you from your overzealous mind” He responded.  
I laugh quietly “Overzealous,” I say impressed.  
“Hyper?” He asks, and I pull his lips to mine.  
“Overzealous works babe” I mumble against his lips, and he lets out a gentle sigh  
“I like you calling me that” He quips  
“Babe?” I ask, his hand comes up to caress my cheek.  
“Ya, I’ve never been called babe” He explains  
“Not even by all your tourons” I joke, kissing his thumb  
“No, I never stayed long enough” He explains, his voice timid. “Sometimes I hate myself for that” He adds, and I sigh lightly.  
“You can change, you have,” I say, squeezing his shoulder.  
“I’d never do that to you Kie, to be honest, your probably the first girl that I’ve ever been scared will leave before I do, and I’m not saying you’ll leave I’m just saying I’m so in this, I know I’m not leaving” He rushes out, and I smile my heart races.  
“That makes two of us, babe” I smirk before I peck his lips.  
“Music to my ears, babe” He encircles my waist and pulls me on top of him, I let out a loud laugh.  
“JJ” I cough, laughing.  
“Sorry, am I hurting you, babe?” He asks, and I slap his arm with my free hand, trying not to laugh too loudly.  
“Come on Babe I’m tired” I joke, and he grins widely, placing me back onto the mattress. I reach up and push back the hair that falls into his face.  
“I’m really in this too JJ” I whisper, the words weighted between us. He leans forward placing his forehead against mine, and takes a small breath.  
…  
I wake up to the sound of shuffling. I turn over, blinking the sleep from my eyes and spot JJ picking his clothes off the floor. He looks frantic, as he pulls on his shirt.  
“Hey” I mumble before I let out a soft yawn, he turns to me, his worry morphing into a smile.  
“Morning” he smiles leaning forward to peck my lips gently, it makes me smile.  
“What’s wrong?” I ask, he shakes his head  
“I’m late for work” He replies, as I sit up, pulling the blanket with me.  
“How late?” I ask, he runs his fingers through his hair a small grin on his face.  
“Late, my boss is gonna fucking flip,” He remarks, the worry back on his face, I nod.  
“We’ll talk later?” He asks  
“Ya” I smile, he nods. He’s about to rush out the door when he turns back pulling me into a short kiss that makes my stomach turn.  
“Bye” He smiles before he zooms out of the room. I stare after him with a wide bright smile on my face. I couldn’t believe I got to kiss him whenever I wanted, I got to do a lot of things to him whenever I wanted. The thought made heat creep up my spine, and I let out a small huff of air. It quickly dissipates when John B burns in my head. I had to talk to him as soon as possible. Get everything straightened out before going to JJ about the kiss. I stand and run to my closet, quickly throwing on a tank-top and a pair of shorts. I brush my teeth while I throw my hair up into a messy bun. I send John B a text asking if he’s home, he responds he is right away. I feel anxious when he responds like this might fuck everything up. Not just with JJ and me but with John B and me. We’re friends, Pogues for life I don’t want that to be all screwed up by one confused kiss on his part. The drive to the Chateau is just me panicking and overthinking on what to say and how to let him down. Maybe I won’t even have to. Maybe he knows it was all just a mistake and he’s completely regretting right now. I pull into the Chateau and shut off my car. The house seems so calm, none of the other Pogues there, filling it with noise. I clutch the steering wheel tightly, taking a deep breath before I work up the nerve to go inside. I knock twice at the door already feeling the waves of awkwardness settle in the air. I was knocking for fucks sake. He pulls the door open, and instinctively I step back, my heart racing. He looks slightly disheveled, his hair messy, and his clothes rumpled.  
“Hey, so we should probably talk,” I say, my voice squeaky even to my own ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who's commenting and leaving Kudos it means so so much to me! I'm beyond happy that you all are enjoying the story thus far. More to come, thanks again, everyone!!!❤️❤️


	21. Seeing Red

“You want to come in?” He opens the door wider, leaving enough space for me to squeeze by without touching him. I walk towards the coffee table, my brain beginning to race again. What was I supposed to say? How was I suppose to say it? What if this ruined our friendship forever? I turn to face him, and he gives me a small sheepish smile.   
“I don’t know what to say here” I mumble, wringing my hands. He lets out a soft sigh, running his finger through his messy hair. I notice he doesn’t seem nervous, more confused which in a way calms me down. Maybe him being nervous would make everything more awkward.   
“I know I freaked you out with the kiss Kie” he starts, as he moves to sit down on the couch, it squeaks under his weight. “And I don’t know how to explain it, to be honest” He looks up at me with squinted eyes the sun pouring through the curtain-less windows. I shift from foot to foot, playing with the ring on my finger.  
“I think I should explain something,” I say, and he nods, waiting for me to continue. “I love you John B, you’re my best friend and I know you and the rest of the Pogues are gonna be in my life forever, or I hope at least, but” I pause, as his face hardens just a little bit. I felt a pang of sympathy course through me. “But, I don’t feel that way about you” I finish, the words causing some of the pressure to fall off of me. He seems kind of frozen, or maybe he’s just processing what I just said, which makes me start to ramble. “It’s not you at all, it’s just not there and I’m sorry if I in any way made you think..”  
“Kie” he interrupts and I stop mid-sentence, waiting for him to continue. “It’s okay I get it” He mumbles, he stands and runs his finger through his hair again, a nervous habit of his. So he’s okay with it?   
“I’m sorry,” I say again, he laughs lightly, and it makes me freeze in place.   
“You don’t have to be sorry, it was all just in the moment you know” He smiles widely at me and I nod relieved. “You're pretty and I.. well I don't know but it’s fine I completely agree that our friendship is more important” He agrees and I let out a small huff of air.   
“So we’re okay?” I ask, he moves towards me and then he’s pulling me into a hug, which is different but nice. I hug him back tightly, thrilled that we could just go back to being us. I couldn’t imagine my life without any of the Pogues.   
“We’re good” He assures, and I chuckle. “No Pogue on Pogue macking right?” He chuckles, and my heart thumps loudly against my ribs. JJ and I haven’t discussed telling Pope and John B, so I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want mine and JJ’s relationship to affect our friendships, and I’m scared that for John B it will. I tuck the strand of hair that fell out of my bun behind my ear and smile up at him.   
“So I should go back to work, and I’ll see you tonight,” he says, and I nod in response. We walk out together, but neither of us says anything, and it’s starting to feel awkward again.   
“Hey Kie” he calls, just as I open my car door, I turn towards him. He’s squinting in my direction, his hand on his door handle. “I’m glad we talked” He finishes  
“Me too, Pogues forever right” I smile brightly back at him, he grins.   
“Pogues forever” he winks, making me chuckle lightly. I watch as he jumps into the car, the van starting up with a loud rumble. He waves as he passes me, and I watch the van disappear down the road.  
…  
“I just feel like maybe we made some progress yesterday, like he was jealous of Topper, which means something right?” Sarah says as she straightens her already straight hair. We were hanging out before meeting the boys at the Chateau. “He seemed jealous right?” She adds, and I can’t help the guilt that seeps through me. I haven’t told her about John B kissing me for two reasons, the first being it didn’t mean anything, and second is that I think she might think it did and blame me for it. I don’t think bringing it up will do any good for any of us, but it still sucked.   
“Sorry I didn't really notice” I mumble, pulling my knees up to my chest. She turns to me a small smile on her face, and her eyebrow quirked.   
“You okay?” She asks, I nod immediately “Kie” She warns  
“I’m fine, just a little out of it” I sit up straighter, she nods slowly, as if she was deciding whether or not to believe me.   
“Is it JJ?” She asks, turning to face me fully. I can’t help the small blush that burns my cheeks, which makes her smile widen immensely. “Spill” She instructs, I sigh and bury my head in my lap, which makes her giggle loudly. “Kie, I need details” She jumps onto the bed, making me laugh quietly. I really wanted to tell someone and Sarah knew more than most.   
“He told me he wanted to be with me,” I tell her, my words muffled, Sarah squeals loudly, and I shift back up into a sitting position. “I know” I smile wildly, she takes my hand and shakes it wildly.   
“Kie, that is so amazing!” She grins, and I blush “Does it mean you two are like together, together?” She whispers like someone might overhear. The swarm of doubt fogs my brain, and I hesitate. He does want to be with me right, like in public, around everyone? I shift, and bite down on my lip. “Kie?” Sarah tilts her head.   
“He says he does” I answer, stiffly. Why was I suddenly so paranoid, like it was all some cruel joke?   
“And you don’t believe him?” She squints, confused.   
“No, I don’t know, I guess it just seems..” I don't finish the sentence, feeling beyond pathetic. I knew my worth, and I was pretty confident but something about being with JJ made me feel a new kind of vulnerable, and it scared me.   
“Hey, it’s obvious JJ likes you” She moves closer, taking my hand in hers.   
“Ya” I nod   
“Kie” She starts, but I shake my head   
“No, I know really, he’s honest if nothing else, so he means it” I smile, and she nods giving me another reassuring smile.   
“Now come on, help me get my man” She hops off the bed energetically, and I swallow back the lump in my throat nodding in agreement.   
…  
I follow Sarah to the back of the Chateau, my heart hammering in my chest. I didn't know how to act in front of JJ now, where we suppose to talk first before we told everyone? Not to mention I still haven’t told him about John B, what if that changes everything. I was going to tell him earlier, but he had to stay late at work, and it’s not the kind of thing you text. Would it change everything, he’d understand... right. He had to know that It meant nothing, there’s no way it could have. I feel my cheeks burn, as my heart sped up again, this time making it sort of hard to breathe.   
“Kie” Sarah calls, and I notice I’ve fallen back quite a bit so I rush forward, the boys coming into view. “Boys” Sarah cheers, and they all turn. My eyes immediately fall to JJ, who’s laying on the hammock with a beer in hand. His eyes find mine, and a warm smile blooms on his face, which helps calm the panic from seconds ago. I feel a wide smile stretch across my face, and I can’t seem to care, not when he’s looking at me like that. Sarah takes my hand and drags me forward, but my eyes don’t leave JJ, and I’m surprised no one has noticed.   
“I need a beer” Sarah huffs, and I finally move my gaze off JJ and meet hers, except she’s staring at John B.   
“Me too” I agree, moving to sit in the empty seat next to Pope, so Sarah has to sit with John B on the broken-down couch. Pope hands me a beer, and I smile gratefully at him.   
“So, who’s down for the boneyard tonight?” Sarah asks before sipping her beer. I hear JJ groan, and It makes me smile. Usually, he’s so eager to go, mostly to see Tourons and get drunk off his ass.   
“I’m too exhausted” He mumbles, and I let my gaze travel back to his, he’s staring back at me. “Long shift” He smiles, and I let out a small chuckle. His eyes roam over me slowly, and I feel heat creep up my neck. I wanted to kiss him so badly, I had to dig my shoes into the ground.   
“Boring” John B says, and the bubble pops, I quickly look away from JJ. “Come on Kie, tell him” John B smiles, and I shrug.   
“We’re always at the boneyard” I sigh, sinking further into my chair.   
“I agree” Pope butts in and I clink my glass with his.   
“Come on guys there’s nothing else to do?” Sarah gives me wide eyes, which confused me. Why does she have to be at the boneyard to flirt with John B?   
“How about Kie gives me a massage and then maybe I’ll go” JJ negotiates, and I scoff, trying to keep the smile off my face.   
“You wish Maybank” I wink, and his grin widens.   
“I do” he replies lightly, but it still sends heat to my core.   
“Come on Kie, please” Sarah pouts in my direction. I wanted to say no, to just stay here and relax, but guilt seemed to force the word “Fine” out of my mouth before I even realized. She lets out a loud squeal of delight, while John B’s gaze moves to catch mine. He smiles lightly, his eyes moving over my face, I quickly look away, feeling my face flush. Why was I acting like this, everything was normal again, it should be like nothing happened.   
“I’m gonna go get another beer” I stand, needing some space. I feel the familiar panic seize me, fogging my brain with thousands of thoughts. I clutch the counter tightly, sucking in a shape that breathe through my nose. Why did this feel so wrong? I feel my throat tighten, and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping it stops the stupid thoughts bouncing around in my head. Why did I feel so guilty, it’s not like I wanted to kiss him. It just felt like this deeper thing, like I’d been leading him on. I had noticed his flirting. Why didn't I say something sooner? I tuck a stray curl behind my ear and exhale slowly through my nose.   
“We have to stop meeting like this?” JJ’s voice rings out behind me, his tone is playful. My eyes spring open, and my heart hammers against my ribs. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks after a minute of silence. I feel his hand land on my lower back as he moves around me, it sends a tingle down my spine. I pull away from him, pushing my hair from my face, and I plaster a smile on my face.   
“I’m fine, just grabbing a beer” I laugh, but it sounds too bouncy. His eyes move over my face slowly, and I can tell he doesn’t believe me. I quickly move to the fridge to grab a beer, hoping he just drops the subject.   
“Kie” he urges, and I sigh lightly before I twist off the cap on my beer and take a small sip.   
“Nothings wrong Geez, does something always have to be wrong?” I ask, my tone clipped and harsher than I intended. He licks his lips and leans forward on the counter, and I notice his muscle bulge slightly. Why did he have to look so good all the time?!   
“I know somethings wrong Kie, I can tell” He murmurs lowly, and my stomach twists tightly. I should tell him now, but suddenly my tongue feels like sand in my mouth. He pushes away from the counter, and makes his way slowly towards me. I back up against the fridge, willing myself to say something anything. “Is it us?” He asks, and I can see the hurt behind his hard eyes, which only makes me feel worse.   
“No, of course not” I reply quickly, his face softens. “I..” I hesitate, the words sticking to the roof of my mouth. He shifts closer, his hand coming up to rest on my cheek. I lean into his soft touch, my body relaxing slightly.   
“You can tell me Kie, I want to know” he urges me, his tone soft and comforting. “I want to know everything” He adds, and my heart squeezes, making it hard to take a breath.   
“Do you?” I whisper, catching his eyes. His eyes are so soft it’s almost unbearable.   
“Yes, I want you to be able to tell me anything if you’re upset about something I want to know, so I can help. Even if you don’t know why you’re upset that’s okay, I’ll be your punching bag..” He grins “You don't have to be my punching bag,” I say smiling  
“It’d be an honor to be your punching bag, as long as you make it up to me after” He winks and I laugh, the kind that just drops out of you.   
“See, I made you smile” He pecks my lips, but it’s long enough to fog my brain. I grab his chin and pull him in for a longer kiss. He chuckles against my lips, which only urges me on. I run my fingers through his soft hair, relishing in the soft moan it elicits.   
“I need to tell you something” I rush out after we break apart. He opens his eyes slowly, blinking a couple of times before he gives me a single nod in response. “And… I understand if you think it’s weird or even if you get mad” I ramble, my cheeks burning, he squints confused.   
“Guys?” Someone interrupts, and JJ jumps away from me, running a hand through his mused hair. Thankfully it’s just Sarah.   
“Sorry, they’re just wondering what’s taking so long, we’re gonna leave soon” Sarah blushes.   
“We’re coming” I reply, my voice wobbly, she nods and slowly retreat back outside. “We should go?” I say, my nerve gone. I start walking to the door, but JJ quickly reaches for my hand, and I turn back to face him.   
“Aren't you gonna finish telling me what you were telling me” He raises his eyebrow clearly confused.   
“I’ll tell you at the boneyard, we can sneak off” I assure, he looks over me like he’s deciding whether or not it’s something serious.   
“Are you okay?” He asks, I nod vigorously. “I’m okay, I promise at the boneyard,” I say squeezing his hand, he relents and nods.   
…  
The boneyard, as per usual, is packed with wasted teenagers, and trash. I could feel JJ’s eyes on me the entire ride, and I could practically feel his concerned thoughts. I needed to pull him aside as soon as possible.   
“Oooh drinks” Sarah giggles, she was lightly buzzed from the beers she had on the ride here. “Why is there never any mixers at these things, like come on I don’t always want a warm beer” She complains, linking her arm with John B, who seems beyond confused at the interaction.   
“So she’s definitely trying to get him back?” Pope whispers to JJ and me.   
“You think it’s working?” JJ asks as Sarah drags John B to the dinks.   
“I don’t know” I answer  
“I thought you were sure?” Pope asks  
“Ya, I mean I hope they get back together I just think he’s kind of stuck on the idea of not being with her” I explain, sand crunching under my sandals.   
“I think he needs our help” Pope mumble, and I notice John B’s pleading eyes in our direction.   
“He’s fine,” I say, Pope gives me a weird look.   
“You two fishing or something?” Pope laughs, I shake my head   
“No, why?” I ask, my tone sharp.   
“You always come to JB’s rescue” Pope shrugs, and another sharp pain shoots through me. “It’s not a bad thing, it’s just facts Kie” Pope nudges me, and I feel my cheeks flush.   
“Well I think he’s fine on his own this time” I muse annoyed, Pope chuckles while JJ looks at me confused before his eyes dart back to John B’s. Sarah and John B make their way back towards us, drinks in hand. Sarah giggles loudly, her cheeks flushed from the alcohol.   
“You two look cute” Sarah points at JJ and I who are only a couple of inches apart. I feel Pope eye us, and John B quirks his eyebrow.   
“I know I’m cute Sarah, you don’t have to drag Kie into it” JJ winks, and Sarah laughs snorts, and I can tell that she’s slightly more than tipsy now.   
“How many drinks now Sarah?” I ask, she shrugs.   
“I’m a fun drunk so who cares” She responds, her voice bounces around us. “Plus I’d still think you two were cute even if I wasn’t” She hiccups smiling widely at me, I give her wide eyes that she doesn’t seem to understand, given her drunken state.   
“Hey, you want to come with me to get some water?” I ask, she shakes her head leaning her body against John B.   
“I know something” She tries to whisper, but it’s just a raspy version of her regular voice.   
“Sarah,” I say, and she laughs and tilts her head at me.   
“Come on Kie, you know you’re excited” She grins, and my jaw drops.   
“Sarah lets drop it okay” JJ interjects, his voice hard.   
“You're excited too right, trust me she’s told me all about how excited you get” She laughs, and I feel my heart rate quicken. Pope’s eyes widen and I feel my cheeks burn. “She’s told me that you live up to all the rumors” She adds, and I glare at her and her eyes widen like she just realized what she said. “I..” She stammers sheepishly.   
“Wait” Pope mutters, and I turn to him. “You two are sleeping together?” He asks, his face twisted with confusion.   
“I.. um” I start but I don’t know what to say, that’s when JJ takes my hand and squeezes it gently.   
“We were gonna tell you…not like this, but” He looks pointedly at Sarah who is staring at the sand.  
“You two are sleeping together?” It’s John B who asks now, his eyes on me.   
“We were just sleeping together, you know for fun, but things changed” I explain, and his face hardens.   
“We’re together now” JJ adds, and I nod. John B looks between us angrily.   
“When did this start and what the fuck?” Pope asks  
“A couple of months ago” JJ explains “And it started as just you know sex then Kie ended it and I realized I had feelings for her, and she felt the same” he smiles down at me, and I can’t help but smile back. I didn't care suddenly that Sarah spilled our secret, not with him smiling at me like that. “We were going to tell you guys, but it just happened yesterday, and we hadn’t really talked about it” JJ turns back to the Pope and John B.   
“So when we thought Kie was with Ethan it was really you?” Pope asks, and JJ nods. “And you’re the best he’s ever had?” He turns to me  
“Ya” I nod, he sighs, scratching his chin.   
“I mean it’s weird but If you guys are happy” Pope then shoves JJ “And next time you tell me dude what the fuck?” He adds making JJ laugh.   
“We should have said something earlier, we just didn't want things to be weird” I explain, and he nods. I pull Pope into a tight short hug to thank him for being so understanding.   
“JB?” JJ urges, and all of us turn back to him. He’s staring between us, his face hard.   
“So you can be with him?” He turns to me and I feel my skin prickle.   
“John B” I stammer, but he lets out a small bitter laugh.   
“I don’t understand, you didn't say anything even after the kiss” He states, and I freeze.   
“What kiss?” JJ asks, and I can’t turn to look at him.   
“I kissed her, she didn't tell you?” John B answers, his tone amused but angry.   
“You said the kiss didn't mean anything” I finally find my voice, I was angry.   
“I lied” He spits, and I shake my head.   
“That’s not fair okay” I express, and he laughs again.   
“When?” JJ asks, his voice emotionless.   
“I was going to tell you, it’s what I started to tell you in the kitchen” I try to explain, he looks so confused.   
“When?” He asks again.   
“It was at the last Boneyard party when I left without telling anyone” I answer, and I can see the realization that it was before he confessed his feelings, cross his face.   
“Why didn't you tell me?” He asks, and I feel tears well up in my eyes.   
“I.. I was confused..” I blurt and his eyes harden   
“Confused?” He repeats and I shake my head.   
“Not about that, not about us JJ” I stressed, feeling myself panic.   
“Then what?” He asks  
“Just confused okay, I didn’t know why he kissed me. And then I got scared that you’d get mad and.. I don’t know okay I’m sorry” I rush out, but his face doesn’t change.   
“What about you?” JJ turns to John B, who’s staring back at him.   
“I like her that’s why I kissed her JJ and I think you know that” He responds, and my eyes widen.   
“You never told me you liked her now,” JJ says, his voice hoarse.   
“Ya but you knew about when we were younger, and..” He stops, his eyes moving to Pope, who looks completely blown away. “You knew there was something” He finishes.   
“JJ” I reach for him and take his chin in my hand pulling his to face to mine.   
“It was nothing, and I was going to tell you” I whisper, my eyes begging him to believe me. “It was nothing” I repeat, but he doesn’t look like he believes me.   
“You would have told me right away if it was nothing…I think you’re confused and I can’t wait around for you to end up picking him” He states, and the seriousness in his voice breaks my heart. He pulls away from me and It actually hurts this time, my heart hurts. “We’re fine now, we’re all fine” JJ turns to John B “You got what you wanted” He declared, his tone ice-cold. He was leaving and I couldn’t find the words to make him stay. I watch as he pushes past John B, making his way towards the parking lot.   
“I’m gonna go with him” Pope squeezes my shoulder but I can’t tear my eyes away from JJ’s retreating figure. He left, he’s done, we’re done.   
“Kie” John B prods gently.   
“Don’t” I feel tears run down my cheeks, and I quickly wipe them away but they keep falling. I finally notice Sarah who’s staring between us with a sort of broken look. “Sarah” I start, and she turns me, her sadness morphing into anger.   
“You should have told me” Is all she says before she turns and leaves, my stomach plummets. I’m alone, and I can’t catch my breath. I turn and glare at John B, he looks softly back at me but all I feel is anger. I turn and leave, needing to get home before I turn into a puddle of tears here on this fucking beach!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait everybody. I've been dealing with some mental health issues, and a block in inspiration, but alas it's here. I know you probably hate me for this chapter, but it had to be done. I'll try to get the next chapter up pretty soon, so you don't have to wait too long. Thank you all for the kudos and comments, it means a lot. ❤️❤️


	22. Break Me

When I get home, my eyes are burning and there’s a hollow ache in my chest. I’m confused and angry. Tears swell in my eyes again, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. What could I say to change things, it felt like nothing would work. Nothing ever seemed to work. I lay my head on my pillow slowly, pulling the pillow JJ slept on against my chest. It still smelt like him, and that made the hollow ache worsen. Why did this feel so final? It felt like this was it, there’s no coming back. The hard look in his eye is burned behind my eyes, taunting me. He was serious, he’s done. I could see it in him. The thought sends a wave of sadness through me, and I let out a small sob. He looked so broken and it was because of me. I tighten my grip on the pillow and let myself sob. I let the sobs burst over me, and create a loud thrum in my temples. He wasn’t coming back this time, and who knew If things would ever be the same, with any of us.   
…  
I threw myself into work, it was the only thing that let me drown out all my JJ thoughts. My dad could tell something was wrong, but I assured him I was fine, I was always fine. I put on a bright wide smile and no one seems to notice that I was screaming inside. Except JJ he always seemed to notice when my thoughts became too much for me to handle. After everything happened I kept replaying that day when he came over to check on me, how he stayed there with me through my panic attack. He soothed me. I noticed that he was the only one worried enough to come check on me, even though I had just ended the sex and things were weird. He came to see if I was okay. When I think about that fact I feel a sharp searing pain in my side. I felt weirdly hollow without him, yet everything around me kept moving. I couldn’t just sit in bed all day, the world was moving on without me. I place two plates of food down, smile my bright fake smile. “Enjoy” The couple smiles back up at me. I turn and the smile slips off my face as easily as it popped up.   
“You're off now” Dad comments as I come back around the counter.   
“I said I’d stay till closing” I express, piling the baskets together.   
“We don’t need you, you can go” He presses   
“I’m okay to stay” I prod, not wanting to go back into bed where my thoughts consumed me.   
“Kiara, what’s wrong?” He asks, placing the dishtowel over his shoulder.   
“Nothing, I just need the extra cash” I lie easily.   
“Well Pope’s here to see you, and you’re off so you can go” His voice is hard, no room for arguing.   
“Pope’s here?” I look around the restaurant but I can’t see him.   
“He’s waiting outside, said it was urgent” Dad explains his absence. “Go” He points to the door, and I nod. I take off my apron and put in dad’s extended hand. I grab my bag from under the counter and pull my hair out of the bun I put it in at the start of my shift.   
“Table seven just got their food,” I tell him, he nods. I walk slowly, my heart racing. What was urgent, was it JJ, was something wrong. As soon as the thought crosses my head I rush outside urgently. I spot Pope leaning against the side of the restaurant, his eyes moving over the parking lot. He turns suddenly, like he sensed I was there, his eyes land on mine.   
“Kie” he pushes off the wall and stands straighter.   
“Hey” I mumble, feeling awkward. “What’s wrong?” I ask worried  
“Everything” He responds, and I nod “How are you?” He asks, and I feel myself laugh bitterly.   
“Fine,” I say, and he gives me that signature bullshit look “I’m tired” I admit, and he nods.   
“Wanna walk?” He asks  
“Sure” I agree and we start towards the beach. We’re both quiet for a while, waiting for the other to say something. I didn’t know what to say to him. Sorry for wreaking the Pogues, I didn’t mean to.   
“You know I don’t blame you right” He finally speaks, I tighten my grip on my bag.   
“Why not?” I ask  
“Because it wasn’t your fault Kie” his voice matter-of-fact. “But I didn’t tell JJ and I guess I led John B on” I mutter, feeling my cheeks burn.   
“Kie” He stops walking, sand kicks up behind him. I turn to face him, and his eyes are serious. “John B he thinks he likes you, but we all know it’s just John B, he kind of like everything” He muses, and I sigh.   
“I don’t know why he thought I liked him back Pope, What did I say or do?” I ask   
“JB’s a romantic, he thinks a single touch is a sign, why do you think him and Sarah got together so fast” He laughs, but I’m too pent up to laugh. “Kie come on” He nudges me  
“I just feel like I ruined everything” I explain, the words sour on my tongue, like I shouldn’t admit it.   
“Can I ask you something?” The serious look back on his face, I nod. “Do you have any feelings for John B, no judgment just aa question” He puts his hands up in surrender.   
“No I don’t have feelings for John B, I never have” I reply quickly. “I know you guys think I’ve always protected him but it’s not because I have some long crush on him it’s because I wasn’t there when his dad…” I pause, my voice cracking “I just wanted to make it up, plus he was the guy who brought me in so it was like I owed him that you know” I explain, he nods.   
“I thought so” He responds, and I stare at him confused. “You know I always denied what you and JJ had because I thought maybe.. you know all of us had a thing for you Kie” He blushes and I feel guilt swarm through me like a swarm of bee’s.   
“Pope” I start, but he shakes his head.   
“No, it’s fine seriously I’m not confessing my feelings I’m just saying I denied seeing the way you guys were together because of stupid hormones but I see it, I’ve always seen it” He expresses, and I feel tears in my eyes.   
“I’m sorry” I wipe under my eyes.   
“Don’t say sorry, really he deserves to have someone like you love him” he smiles, and my heart beats loudly at the word love.   
“It doesn’t matter now, he’s done” The words hurt to say.   
“Kie you can’t possibly think he’s done” Pope quirks his eyebrow, and I shrug.   
“I don’t know what to do” I admit  
“You have to tell him how you feel, just lay it all out there” he suggests  
“What if he won’t listen” I ask  
“Do you want to be with him?” He asks, I nod “Then make him listen” He states simply. I push some curls behind my ear, shifting from foot to foot.   
“How is he?” I stammer, my cheeks hot.   
“He’s being JJ, you know how much he hates any sympathy” he answers. I felt my heart tug at his words. “Actually, it’s part of the reason I wanted to talk” He adds, and I stare confused.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask, feeling panicked.   
“JJ’s spiraling, he’s drinking and staying out all night, and it just reminds me of when things were bad with his.. dad” He coughs slightly “I don’t know what to do about it” He adds.   
“How bad?” I ask   
“He’s not acting like himself, he’s acting like.. like nothing matters” he asserted, his eyes filled with concern. I stare off towards the water, my stomach tight and uncomfortable.   
“What do we do?” I ask, turning back to him.   
“We all need to talk to him, and that means you and John B talking” He looks dubious, like I’m going to refuse.  
“Okay, is he home?” I ask Pope nods in response.   
…  
I knock on the Chateau door, revealing in the deja vu of this situation. I turn back to Pope in the car, he gives me a thumbs up. I was nervous when Pope said he was going to stay in the car, but I understand why. I turn back when I hear the door creak open. John B looks disheveled like he just woke up, and it’s 8 o’clock. His eyes widen, and he wraps his arms around himself.   
“Hey” I start, my voice stiff  
“Hey” He responds, his cheeks pink.   
“Can we talk?” I ask, shoving my hands into my pockets. He looks like he’s debating, and it irritates me. We’ve been friends forever and this is how he’s acting. Just as I’m about to say something, I’d probably regret he opens the door and ushers me in. I take a deep breath before I step into the very messy Chateau. I move to the couch, needing to sit down. I rub my sweaty palms up and down my thighs, trying to find the right thing to say.   
“Did you have something to say?” He muses. I look up and see him leaning against the door, an irritated look on his face.   
“You have no right to be mad at me John B” I exclaim, angry swelling inside of me. He exhales through his nose and shakes his head slowly. “Can you tell me why your mad, like give me actual reasons” I stand and take a couple steps towards him.   
“You know why I’m mad Kie” He pushes away from the wall. I bite down on my lip and take a steadying breath.   
“No I don’t, I don’t understand how I lead you on, we’re friends you’re my best friend John B and I thought that was all it was for you to” I exclaim, he runs his fingers through his messy hair and lets out a loud sigh.   
“I don’t know okay. I don’t know when it changed, or I should say when it started again” He shrugs, the irritating morphing into sadness.  
“Can I ask you something?” I blurt, he turns to me a confused look on his face.   
“Sure” he shrugs.   
“When you look at me, do you feel… it’s like your heart is being squeezed?” I try to explain, his expression stays frozen in place, so I continue “Do you get breathless and tingly?” I feel my heart thrum as JJ pops into my head. “Is it like for the first time in your life you’re completely seen, and heard and valued, for just being you?” I feel tears burn my eyes, but I quickly blink them away.   
“is that what it’s like with you and JJ?” He asks, his voice quiet. I tuck some hair behind my ear, as my cheeks flush wildly.   
“You haven’t answered my question” I divert the subject, hating how hard my heart is beating. He moves past me, towards the couch. He sits down with a soft huff, dropping his head into his hands.   
“I’m sorry” His words are muffled and low. “I… I guess I just got confused” he looks up at me, and I can see the regret in his features. “You know you were the first girl I ever had a crush on” He leans back, his eyes moving away from mine.   
“I didn't” I mumble, moving to sit down beside him.   
“Well you were, part of it was that you were like the only girl I knew” he explains   
“Thanks” I laugh, he turns to me, a smile on his face.   
“I said part of it..” He laughs “You’re also the kindest person I’ve ever met, you help everyone even if they don't deserve it. Plus you’re very attractive” I let out a small laugh, and he follows. “The point is you always make me feel better, and maybe…” he pauses, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. “Maybe, I got things confused because you were the only person who made me feel better after Sarah” He finishes, I reach out to take his hand in mine, squeezing.   
“I’m sorry, I know how shitty and confusing this can all be” He nods curtly, his eyes moving over my face.   
“I kind of did it to myself” He shrugs “I should be the one apologizing Kie, I fucked things up with you and JJ” He stands and runs a hand through his hair.   
“It’s okay” I assure, sitting up, he shakes his head.   
“No, I was terrible” He insisted. “And I knew…” He pauses, his eyes wide.   
“What?” I urge  
“I knew how he felt about you” He finishes, and I raise an eyebrow. “He’s always had a thing for you, not that he’s ever admitted it, but I can see the way he looks at you” he explains, and I feel the familiar thrum of excitement whenever JJ’s brought up, but it's quickly quenched when I remember why I’m here.   
“Pope says JJ isn’t doing well” I blurt, he looks confused.   
“You two haven’t talked?” He asks, I shake my head.   
“He hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts” I hate how tight my throat feels. “But we need to talk to him, all of us” I add, standing up. I move past him towards the door, he doesn’t follow me. “Pope’s waiting In the car” I explain, he looks beyond confused.   
“We have to go fix this, Pogues for life remember” I announce, and he lets out a low laugh. Pope catches my gaze as we make our way to my car, and I give him a thumbs-up, and he smiles widely.   
“All good,” He asks as John B hops into the backseat.   
“All good” John B repeats, as I start the car.   
“Where is he?” I turn to Pope  
“I’ll text him” Pope pulls out his phone, and sends a quick text. His eyes move rapidly around the phone, as we all wait for JJ’s response. “He’s at the boneyard, and he’s definitely drunk” Pope looks back up at me, a worried look on his face.   
“Fucking boneyard” I groan as I pull out of the driveway.   
…  
The sun Is low on the horizon when we get there, it casts an orange glow over the boneyard. Pope squeezes my shoulder reassuringly as we walk toward the drunk teens, where JJ will most likely be. I let my eyes travel over the crowd of people, but I don’t see the familiar mop of blonde hair. I feel panic rise in my throat, as we pass more and more people.  
“Kie” John B grabs my arm, I turn to face him quickly.   
“What?” I ask, my heart racing. His features morphed into something along the lines of pity, which only confused me more. “What?” I ask again, this time louder. I notice his eyes move past my head, and I quickly follow his gaze. When I spot JJ’s familiar blonde hair, I feel a smile grow on my face. He’s here, he’s okay. That’s when I notice who he’s with. My stomach tightens as Veronica leans her head on his shoulder, her smile widening. He was sandwiched between Veronica Sanders and Jessie Peters. He has his arms around both of the girls, his head back against the bark of the tree. He looks dazed, his smile wobbly but bright, and his eyes are shut.   
“We don’t have to do it now” John B interrupts my train of thought, I turn to him and shake my head.   
“We do, he needs us. It’s not about me” I mutter, feeling the sharp pain shoot across my chest. I take a deep breath to steady my nerves, square my shoulders and march towards him. I don’t look back to see if the boys are following me, I couldn’t afford to lose my nerve. He doesn’t notice me approaching, his eyes are still shut as he laughs loudly. I stop in front of them, Veronica’s eyes turn to slits as she glares at me.   
“JJ” My voice is stronger than I expected. He doesn’t open his eyes right away, a softer smile on his face now. “JJ,” I say again, his head springs up and his eyes open. The surprised look on his face is quickly replaced with his signature indifference.   
“Look it’s the love birds” He slurs, and that’s when I notice John B is beside me, Pope’s also there.   
“JJ, can we talk?” I ask, stepping away from John B, and closer to him. His gaze latches to mine, and I feel the air leave my body. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks, and seeing him now like this, made my heart hurt.   
“Sure, what’s up?” He asks, a smirk on his face. I felt my cheeks burn, but I kept my face stony. Veronica scooted closer to him, placing her perfectly manicured hand on his chest.   
“Alone” I reiterate, hating how unreadable his face is.   
“Why, Ronnie and Jess are cool” he laughs, and my stomach turns   
“JJ” Pope steps forward, and I’m grateful for his interference. “Come on man” he urges, and JJ shrugs.   
“Hey, I’m just chilling, you know me” He laughs, Jessie laughs along with him. “But like I said Pope my man we can talk right here” he adds, his eyes moving back to mine.   
“You want to spill all your shit right here, right now?” John B steps forward, his voice hard. JJ turns to him, the indifference morphing into anger.   
“I have nothing to spill John B, but enlighten me please” He exclaims clearly annoyed.   
“You know what I’m talking about JJ, you’re here acting like a complete dick because what, Kie hurt you?” John B steps closer, anger rolling off of him. I take his arm and pull him back, not wanting things to escalate. JJ’s move to where my hand is on John B’s, a twisted look on his face, I quickly drop my hand.   
“It’s not like that, and if you’d let me explain” I huff, he looks away, picking up his beer.   
“I don’t need you to explain Kie” he chuckles, and I hate how cold his voice is. “It was just sex right” he winks. I didn't recognize the person in front of me, and it was my fault. He stands then, and my eyes drop to his exposed chest. There were new bruises scattered over his ribs, and It made me nauseous. He had gone back to his dad’s, he had nowhere else to go. He also had a wide gash on his arm, that made my stomach turn violently.   
“I love you” I blurt, the words tumbling out of me before I could process them. His eyes spring to mine, and I can see the shock on his face. “I love you, and I know you’re angry and probably hurt but it was never like that with John B, it’s not like what we have” I needed him to understand that he was important to me, that he meant everything. I stepped closer to him, and he seemed frozen in spot. “I’m sorry that I haven’t shown you how much you mean to me because you always make me feel so protected, and safe” I reach for him, and he doesn’t move away. I run my hand across his cheek gently, noticing a small bruise on his cheekbone. “But that’s going to change, I promise. I’m going to do whatever it takes for you to understand that you’re important, that you make my life better because you do. You are the only person who sees me and I see you JJ Maybank. I see right through this, whatever this is.” His eyes move down to my lips, and I feel goosebumps break out onto my skin. “You just need to let me love you” I whisper, tears springing in my eyes. He reaches for me, his hand gently caressing my cheek, I lean into his touch. I feel hope burst inside of me, this was it, things were going to okay, better than okay. Then he pulls away, and it’s like I’m doused in ice water.   
“I can’t” He mutters quietly, and my heart feels like it’s being twisted. “It’s too late, I’m me and you’re you, we can’t change each other” He explains stepping further away from me. I wanted to scream that I didn't want to change him, but he continues. “I’ll never be your prince charming Kie, I can’t okay I’m destined for this” He waves his hands wildly around him. “This is what I want and..” His voice cracks “And I don’t want you” He finishes. He turns and Veronica pushes past me following him as he rushes away. I’m left standing there, staring after him, pathetically. He didn't want me, it wasn’t that he was sad or angry, he just didn't want me anymore.   
“Kie” Pope starts, but I shake my head, holding back the sobs that threaten to take over.   
“I’m okay” I assure him, but I’m not, not even close. “I’m okay” I repeat but this time the dam breaks and I feel tears soak my shirt. “I’m okay” I fall to the sand, my heart burning inside my chest. He left me, he’s gone. I feel arms wrap around me, holding me tightly against their chest. I grab onto his shirt, burrowing my face into their chest. The sobs wrack me, like rough waves against the side of a boat. My throat burns and it feels like I’ll never be able to catch my breath. He took it with him, and he left me alone.


	23. That's On Me

I crack open one of my eyes as I feel the bed dip beside me, and let out a small squeak. Sarah doesn’t notice that I’m awake so she grabs the tv remote and turns on the tv. We haven’t talked since that night John B told everyone we’d kissed, so I was beyond surprised to see her. She’s still wearing her pyjamas, her hair is up in a messy bun, so I assume she came straight out of bed. I felt tears spring to my eyes, so I quickly shut them. I assume Pope and John B talked to her, and told her everything.   
“I know you’re awake” She blurts, and my eyes spring open. Her eyes are glued to the TV, her arms crossed over her chest.   
“How?” I ask, my voice hoarse.  
“I could just tell” She shrugs. I sit up slowly and lean back against the headboard.   
“What are you watching?” I ask  
“I don’t know it was the first channel I landed on” She replies. We watch quietly for a couple of minutes, the only noise coming from the TV. Then suddenly I felt her eyes on me, but I kept my gaze on the tv. I wanted her to get mad, it would be more familiar than this weird silence.   
“You can say whatever it is you want to say, I probably deserve it” I whisper, feeling my heart twist.   
“I was mad, really mad” She starts, and I focus on the crooked painting on my wall. “honestly I was more embarrassed than man, but I was still mad” She adds, her voice numb.   
“Embarrassed?” I ask finally turning to her. Her eyes were glossy, and it brought another bought of guilt over me.   
“Ya, here I was broadcasting my plan on getting him back and he was pinning after you. I was hurt, and annoyed. And I couldn’t believe you didn’t tell me even after I kept going on and on about how he was flirting and bullshit” Her voice is slowly rising but I don’t blame her. “You looked me in the eye and encouraged me and you knew he liked you Kie, why did you do that?” Her bottom lip trembles, and I feel tears burn my eyes.   
“I truly didn't think he liked me, I thought he was confused, and just kissed me because he was angry about you and Topper” I admit, she looks away from me, back at the TV. “I was scared that you’d never talk me again and that’s no excuse because you deserved to know, and I kept it from you selfishly” I wipe the stray tear away quickly. “He was confused and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or stupid because I know he will always have feeling for you, and that wins over some stupid confused kiss. But I need you to know I am so sorry, I never want you to feel embarrassed because of me, because you’re amazing, and I love you” I rush out, feeling the need to clutch to out friendship with everything I have left. If I lost Sarah too, I’d never forgive myself. Her head lulls to face me, and tears fall gently down her cheeks.   
“I know, and I love you” She nods, wiping under her eyes. I quickly rush forward and pull her into a very tight hug.   
“I’m so sorry” I mumble against her hair  
“It’s okay, seriously I don’t blame you” Her response is muffled. “You should, I’m terrible” I cry, clutching her tighter. She pulls away, her eyes wide and glossy.   
“You are not terrible Kie, seriously it wasn’t your fault he kissed you” She wipes under my eye, but the tears keep falling. “Kie” her eyes are wide with worry. “I’m so sorry about JJ” She mumbles, and a small sob escapes my lips. She pulls me into another hug, holding me tightly against her.   
“He said he didn’t want me anymore” I cry, hating how completely pathetic I feel and sound. “I.. I don’t know what to do” I hiccup, as we break apart. I push some curls that stuck to my face behind my ear, trying to take some calming breaths.   
“I don’t know either, but I do know that you are amazing and he’s a dumb-ass” She states as I pull my pillow to my chest. “I’m serious, he really going to regret this, he already does guaranteed.” She exclaims, and a quickly wipes under my eyes.   
“Ya” I nod, her face falls, and I can see the pity in her eyes.  
“Pope told me…” She pauses, and I wait for her to continue. “He told me that you told him..” She doesn’t finish, but I know what she’s trying to say.   
“I do love him” I answer her, she nods slowly, and I turn away from her pity-filled eyes. Everyone knew, and it coated me in embarrassment.   
“Don’t you think maybe he just got scared?” She asks  
“No, he said it plain and simple Sarah, I can’t read into it because I want him to love me back” I exclaim sliding off the bed. “But it’s not reading into things if it’s true” She tries. I grab my robe off my desk chair and pull it around me.   
“No Sarah” I turn to her, eyes wide “He doesn’t love me, and I have to accept that” I tell her, again I notice the concern in her eyes and it makes me feel worse. “Sorry.. sorry I didn't mean to get mad, I just need to move on,” I tell her, she nods.   
“No, I know! I’m just worried, and I feel terrible for you” She stands, and I shake my head.   
“I”m fine,” I tell her moving to my bathroom. That was a complete lie, this was the first time I’d gotten out of bed for three days, but I didn't need her looking at me like that. “I just need to move on” I smile, but she doesn’t look convinced. “I’m serious and that means going out and drinking,” I tell her as I place some toothpaste on my toothbrush.   
“You want to go out?” She asks, her tone dubious   
“Ya” I mumble mouth full of toothpaste.   
“Kie, we can just stay in, and watch a movie” her tone is soft, like if she pushes I’ll break.   
“No, come on I just want to have fun, I promise not to do anything crazy” I smile, she sighs but smiles. “Yes” I laugh, and she groans before she laughs along.   
“One night of fun, but then we talk” She instructs, her finger pointed in my direction.   
“Yeah” I reply. I felt something shut inside of me, like I turned the faucet off inside of me.   
…  
I felt my heartbeat wildly In my chest as we made out way down the crowded beach. I was nervous, and I absolutely hated it. I was scared of seeing JJ here, worse, seeing him with someone. I shook my head, hoping it shakes the thought away. I grabbed Sarah’s hand, feeling the panic rise inside of me. She turns, her eyes wide with concern. The look of pity was unbearable, so much so it made me smile widely, like nothing was wrong. She smiles back albeit a bit apprehensively but she still smiles. Finally we get to the drinks, and I instinctively reach for anything available. I quickly down a shot of vodka, the cheap kind that tastes like hand sanitizer. I pour another one, Sarah pours herself some beer from the keg. The liquid burns my throat, and sends heat straight to my cheeks. I needed to feel good, even for a second, just to feel good for one second.   
“Shots” I hear Pope’s voice boom behind me, I down another before I turn to face him.   
“Yup, want one?” I ask, smiling.   
“You sure that’s a good idea?” He asks, and I felt the deep hole sink further, expanding.   
“Ya, I’m having some fun Pope” I express, turning away from the look in his eyes too. I mix a bunch of different alcohol together with some fruit punch. The liquid is so sweet it hurts my teeth, but it’s strong and I know it’ll do the trick.   
“Can I try?” John B suddenly appears. I nod and hand him the drink. He takes a small sip, his face immediately twisting, I chuckle.   
“It’s good, but shit” He hands it back, and I nod taking another small sip.   
“You want one?” I ask, and his eyes move over me slowly, and I wait for the concern to set it, similar to Pope and Sarah’s.   
“Hell ya” He quips instead, and a small laugh escapes my lips. I quickly make his drink, as Pope and Sarah stare at us in disbelief. I don’t know if Sarah’s glare was because of my recklessness or John B himself, either way, I tried not to focus on it too much. I feel the alcohol start to settle and expand inside of me. The heat moving to each corner of my body, sinking into my skin.   
I love this song” I exclaim, recognizing the loud bass moving around us.   
“What, are you sure this song was made after 2010” John B laughs, I nod, swaying my hip slightly.   
“Sue me I’m a sell out for Doja Cat” I muse, and he grins widely. I down the rest of my sickly sweet drink, and turn to the three of them.   
“Anyone want to dance?” I ask, already taking a step backwards.   
“Uh, I don’t dance” Pope chuckles, I glare before I turn to Sarah.   
“I’m not drunk enough” she waves me off   
“JB?” I extend my hand expectantly. He looks down at my hand, a pensive look on his face. “Don’t leave me hanging bud” I remark, and he sighs before he takes my hand. “Yay” I smile happily. I drag him to where everyone was dancing wildly. I take his other hand and spin us, he lets out a loud chuckle.   
“This feels good” I lean into him, so he can hear me over the loud music.   
“You deserve some good” He responded, and I felt my heart squeeze, as I smiled happily up at him. We were spinning in messy circles, laughing loudly. The sweet drink had made me tipsy and fun. I felt light, the heaviness inside of me finally easing. I knew it was temporary, tomorrow morning I’d feel the heaviness deep inside of me. I pushed that thought away and focus on this moment right now, with one of my best friends. I almost trip, and I feel John B catch me, his arm around my waist steadying me.   
“Sorry” I giggle breathless, he face is so close to mine, so take a step back.   
“You're always such a clutz when you’re drunk” he comments, an easy smile on his face.   
“Hey, I am the best drunk” I exclaim, loudly, waving my hands wildly.   
“Ya” He agrees and I smile dopily at him. The song slows, and everyone around us starts pairing off.   
“Who plays this kind of music at a party” I point out. His smile drops slightly, and I think maybe I said something wrong, until he extends his hand in my direction.   
“Want to dance?” He asks, and I stare down at his outstretched hand. “Like we use to, you know friends” He adds noticing my hesitation.   
“Ya, like old times” I smile taking his hand. He pulls me against him, one of his hands moving to encircle my waist.   
“Were the only ones waltzing” I laugh, he nods   
“Oh you want to grind instead?” He mocks, and a laugh escapes my lips.   
“You wish” I mumble, leaning my head on his shoulder, lightly. He spins us in slow circles, I relax into him.   
“I’m sorry Kie” He whispers, and I shut my eyes tightly. He sounded so sincere, it made me feel dizzy. I loved that he could show concern without it feeling so suffocating. I knew they all cared about me, but Sarah looked at me like I lost a limb and Pope was acting strange with me, like I wasn’t one of his best friends. John B let me act out, and he helped by doing it with me.   
“I know” I reply, opening my eyes so I can look up at him. I don’t see pity in his eyes instead I see understanding. He knew what it was like to lose someone you cared about so much. He knew that I just needed one night, one stupid night.   
“Want another drink?” He asks. The question is so strange considering our earlier revelations that it makes me laugh.   
“Yes” I laugh, and a wide grin bursts onto his face.   
“Coming up” he lets go of my waist. I watch as he makes his way to the drinks, pushing past couples grinding against each other. I laugh quietly to myself, as my eyes drift over the large crowd. I feel my eyes lurch when they land on him. His hair is mused, and sticking up in every direction like always. He had a small bruise on his cheek that was slowly fading to a yellowish colour. He looked dazed, and sweaty like he’d been dancing, and running around, probably a mirror to how I looked. Our gaze interlocks, and he’s staring back at me. His ocean eyes bright and hard at the same time. I guess they really were a reflection of him, he was so bright to everyone a shining humorous light, but he was hard and untouchable. He looked angry, and I knew then that he had seen John B and I, he had been watching the whole time. I felt like someone dumped ice water over me. My previous state of wonderment and happiness long gone. He was standing ten feet away from me, but it might as well have been one hundred. I felt the familiar guilt at what he might have been thinking, but then it was replaced with white-hot anger. I’m angry! I’m angry that he thought he could look at me like that even after everything he did. I’m mad that he looked so broken when he’s the one who broke me. I’m mad that even though he broke my heart all I want is to go over to him, and kiss that frown off of his beautiful face.   
“Here you go” John B’s voice breaks my gaze, as I turn to look at him. He must notice the look on my face because he turns to where I was just looking, his eyes connecting with JJ.   
“You okay?” He asks, turning back to face me.   
“Ya” I grab the drink from his outstretched hand, and take a long sip. The liquid is sweeter than I remember, but I keep chugging letting the liquid warm me from the inside. I glance back at JJ, but he isn’t looking towards me anymore, instead I notice Pope is with him now. JJ drapes his arm around Pope, pulling him in, and I turn away.   
“Hey, you okay?” I notice Sarah’s now beside me.   
“Ya, fine. I’m bound to see him right?” I laugh, but it sounds strange even to me. “Hopefully things can go back to normal, soon” I push past them, away from the crowd and JJ.  
“Kie” Sarah prods, her tone soft   
“Sarah, you promised me one night” I exclaim, downing the rest of my drink.   
“I’m just worried” She rushes forward, matching my fast pace.   
“Ya well you don’t need to be okay, I’m fine! I just want to have fun” I tell her, stopping at one of the logs, and sitting down.   
“Fun” She repeats, I nod   
“Yes” I smile widely, she sighs gently.   
“One night of fun” She agrees.   
…  
The tequila floated through me, making my limbs light, like I was filled with helium. I run my fingers through my curls, spinning in slow circles, feeling the beat of the music. I feel a pair of arms wrap around my middle, pulling me against their chest. I giggle and wiggle my hips.   
“You’re so sexy Kie” Liam’s whispers in my ear.   
“I know” I smile, and crane my neck to meet his eyes. “But it’s always nice to hear” I grin, and he nuzzles his face in my neck. Liam squeezed me a bit too tightly, his arms too bulky, they don’t fit around me like they should, but I push the thought away. Instead, I focus on the warm buzz in my cheeks, and the tingling on my skin.   
“You want to go somewhere more private?” He asks, his words slurring together. I felt that pit inside my stomach grow, as I took a step away from his warm body. This was the turning point, where I either make some lame excuse or I let Liam grunt over me. The thought sent a small wave of nausea through me. I’d been at this same moment with Liam all week. Every night he asks if I want to go somewhere more private after some heavy making out, and I make some excuse about needing to find Sarah or John B. I don’t know why I keep making out with him, I guess it just helps keep me distracted. He pulls me in again, his mouth brushing mine slowly. “Come one Kie” He smiles, and I try not to roll my eyes, instead I let him pull me in for sloppy kiss. He tasted like warm beer, and salt, it made my stomach roll. I push his chest lightly, and we break apart.   
“Not tonight” I try to smile, but his cologne is mixing with his sweat and it’s starting to make me feel sick. I hear him groan lowly, as I push past a couple making out, making my way towards Sarah. I sway as I walk, the alcohol still pumping through me.   
“Hey” She says once she spots me. She’s sitting on a log with Pope, a drink in her hand.   
“Hey” I nod, plopping down next to Pope. I could feel her disapproving gaze on me, but I just shut my eyes and took a steadying breath.   
“How’s Liam?” She asks, and I dig my nails into my skin.   
“Fine” I reply quietly.   
“You two are getting close” She comments  
“Close?” I turn to face her. Pope keeps his eyes straight ahead, clearly uncomfortable.   
“Ya, I mean you’ve been making out with him for like a week straight, doesn’t that mean anything?” She asks, her eyes wide.   
“It’s fun” I explain, my voice stiff.   
“Fun” she huffs, turning away from me. “Don’t you think it’s a bit irresponsible?” She asks   
“No, actually I don’t” I stand, swaying on my feet, but I quickly steady myself. “It’s funny how all of you can do whatever and I’m the responsible one taking care of it all, but when the tables turn I have to hear about it every day. Jesus, can’t you guys just be my friends and not try to control me?” I ask, her eyes become glossy and I can tell she’s holding back tears.   
“I am being a friend, we’re worried. You’ve been acting like nothing matters ever since..” She pauses, her face pink.   
“Since when, since JJ rejected me, you can say it” I yell, my voice raw, she stands then her drink sloshing over.   
“All I’m saying Kie, is that we’re worried because you’re drinking and doing other things” her words are sharp, and I can feel the hole inside of me widen, sinking me further into myself.   
“You think I’m being a slut?” I ask, she gasps   
“No, I think you’re doing reckless things because you’re hurt” She replies, but the look in her eyes says it all. She was right anyway, I was being a slut.   
“Well Sarah if it bothers you so much you don’t have to be here, you can drop me it should be easy for you right” I exclaim, the words falling out of me before I even realize what I’m saying. Her mouth drops open, and her hard stare is replaced with something much softer, sadness. I wanted to take it back, tell her it was just because I was upset, but I couldn’t form the words. Part of me wanted her to hate me, the dark part of me. I couldn’t take the way she’d been looking at me the past two weeks. I couldn’t take her disappointed looks, like she knew I was broken and couldn’t be fixed.   
“Ya maybe I should” She says, and I felt my stomach tighten as a sharp pain shot through me. “Guys” Pope stands, but Sarah doesn’t flinch, her eyes are hard and I knew then that she wouldn’t forgive me, not this time.   
“Ya you should” I nod, the words burning my lips. Something inside of me was pushing the words out, forcing her out.“Fine, you have fun with whatever this is” She scoffs, and I wrap my arms around myself. She throws her drink into the sand before she rushes off towards the parking lot.   
“Kie” Pope’s voice is soft, but cold.   
“What?” My voice is wobbly and uneven. He doesn’t respond, he just stares, his eyes travelling over me.   
“Hey, I just saw Sarah, she looked pissed” John B stops between us, he looked confused.   
“Ya, that’s on me” I mumble before I start towards the drinks.


	24. Rabbit Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!!Trigger Warning!!!   
> Mentions of sexual assault, and rape.   
> Please don't read if this could trigger you, your mental health is way more important!!

I woke up with an intense headache, the kind that feels like someone’s hammering away at your temples. I slowly open my eyes, and instantly regret it. The blinds were open, and the sun only intensified the pounding in my head. I shift so that I can turn away from the window, and my body collides with something hard, I freeze. My eyes spring open, and I’m met with a naked chest. I feel something inside of me crack, as I move my gaze up to see who it is. Liam’s still sound asleep, his black hair such a stark contrast against his pale skin. I sit up, the sheets sliding off of my naked body. I was naked in his bed. I quickly grab the sheet and pull it tightly around me, simultaneously pulling it off of his naked body. I let out a small groan, and then I’m falling out of the small bed. I land with a dull thud, the carpet cushioning my fall. I stand quickly, hoping it didn’t wake him. Thankfully it didn’t, he’s still sound asleep, his small snores blowing the strand of hair from his face. I couldn’t help but notice that JJ would have woken up, he was such a light sleeper, probably because of his childhood. My hands start shaking as I bend down to pick up my discarded clothing. I slept with him, and I don’t even remember it. Everything was so blurry, like a dark grain warped the whole night. I get dressed as fast as humanly possible, needing to get the fuck out of his house. I grab my phone and bag and tiptoe out of his room. I don’t even remember how to get out. I take a steadying breath before I start down the long hallway. One of the doors in the hallway creaks open, and I freeze. I recognize him instantly. Jeremy Sanders, one of Liam’s best friends. He’s rubbing the sleep from his eye, as he lets out a loud yawn. He moves to the door across from him, his hand moving to the knob, and a small, hopeful part of me thinks he won’t turn and notice me. Fuck hope, because he does turn, his eyes widening with surprise.   
“Kie?” He questions, and I can feel my heart speed.   
“Hey” I mumble, my cheeks burning.   
“You looking for the front door?” He laughs, and I nod.   
“I’ll show you” He smiles, and I nod again, not trusting my voice. I follow Jeremy down the hall, and past the small, very dirty kitchen.   
“So you and Liam?” He asks, and I groan quietly to myself.   
“There's no Liam and me, it was just one night” I explain, and again I feel the shame inside of me build. How could I not remember anything!   
“Oh, cool” He chuckles “You know he likes you right?” He asks like it might change my response.   
“He doesn’t know me enough to like me” I reply, as we make out way to the small set of stairs leading to the front door.   
“Here ya are” He points to the door, I nod and move past him. “See you around” He muses, and I can hear the smirk in his voice, it makes me nauseous. I shut the door behind me, and suddenly the nauseous builds, and I bend over into the bushes and vomit. Tears burn my eyes, and I can’t stop them before they fall this time. I couldn’t imagine what I looked like right now, and the thought made my skin crawl. I rush off out of Liam’s driveway, hating the blush burning my cheeks. A vivid flash of Liam on top of me burns behind my eyes and I freeze. I blink away the image, instead focusing on the road ahead of me. The walk was long, and I had my shoes in my arms, not caring to put them on. My feet hurt under the hot concrete, but I didn’t mind it, it was the only thing I could feel.   
“Kiara” my mom calls as soon as I walk into the house, I don’t listen and start up the stairs. “Kiara” She calls again, this time from behind me. I stop and turn to face her. Her eyes were puffy, and I could see the all too familiar concern etched onto her features. “Where have you been?” Her voice was wobbly.   
“I was just at John B’s” I lie, my voice raw, like I hadn’t used it in weeks, in a way I hadn’t.   
“I called John B, he didn’t know where you were” She sounds angry now, her eyes hardening.   
“I was out mom” I explain, her eyes widen and her jaw drops slightly.   
“Out?” She asks, I nod. Her eyes move over me, taking in my crumpled clothing, smeared makeup, and dirty feet. “What’s going on with you?” She asks  
“Nothing” I reply harshly  
“Nothing?” She asks I nod “Kiara you’re not acting like yourself, and you’re staying out all night without permission!” She exclaims. I just stare at her, waiting for the punishment so I could go wash the smell of Liam off of me, it was starting to make me sick. “Did something happened. Do you need to talk?” She whispers, her voice so worried.   
“No, I was just with a guy having fun,” I tell her, the words causing a dull ache in my chest, and I feel my stomach tighten violently. Her face twists with disgust. I wasn’t surprised, I knew how disgusting I must look at this moment. All I felt was disgust and shame.   
“I don’t even know who you are” She exclaims, I nod. “You are grounded, you’re not to leave your room” She points upstairs, her face hard and cold. I nod, continuing up the stairs. I walk straight to my bathroom, turning on the hot water. I peel off my clothes and shove them into my hamper. I turn to my mirror and instantly regret it. I didn’t recognize her either, the girl staring back at me, she was a stranger. My hair was wild and knotted, my mascara was flaking down my face and my lipstick smudged. I notice a hickey on my collarbone, and nausea mixed with confusion swims through me. I couldn’t remember anything, but there was evidence of him on me, and It made the hole inside of me burst open, finally sucking me in.   
…  
Mom and dad decided that I should still be able to work, so basically I’m confined to my room and The Wreck. So that’s where I am, The Wreck, waiting on annoying tourists before they leave for the summer. I could feel the change, not just in the weather, which was finally cooling down, but in the atmosphere. If you lived here long enough you could feel the seasons change, as the tourons start packing up ready to go back to their regular lives. I place down the cheque, with a nod before I move back to the kitchen.   
“Terrible service” The girl whispers, or tries to. I couldn’t blame her, the first thing you learn about waitressing is always do everything with a big fat smile, which I haven’t been able to do lately. I watch as the couple places the cheque down, gathers their belongings, and move quickly out of the restaurant.   
“Kiara” Dad’s voice rings out behind me, I turn. “That’s your last table” he instructs, and I simply nod in response. I could feel his eyes on my back as I moved to pick up the cheque, with no tip. I knew he was confused, just like mom, but I couldn’t give them any answers. I just couldn’t feel anything right now. I hand dad the cash and move past him to the backroom to grab my bag.   
“Straight home” He yells after me, I nod in response. They had taken my car away, so I had to walk home, which I didn’t really mind now that the heatwave was over. The sun was starting to set, which made an orange glow glisten against the water. I pull the strap of my bag higher on my shoulder, staring at the waves break against the sand. I didn’t want to go home, it was too quiet. It gave me too much time to think. The image of Liam huffing on top of me is the only thing I remember from that night, and it’s playing on a loop in my head. It comes with a weird sense of panic and fear, which only makes me feel sick enough to throw up. I take off my shoes and place my feet in the still-warm sand. I move towards the water, dropping my bag behind me. The water splashes against my bare calves, sending goosebumps across my skin. I step further in, so the water, laps at the top of my thighs. The water was cool, and the smell of salt hung heavy in the air. I pull out my hair from the tight bun it’s been in all day, my curls fall around me. I suck in a big breath before I drop under the salty water. My body starts floating up, but I swing my arms in small circles to keep me under. The soft hum of the ocean always relaxed me, and the burn in my lungs kept me from thinking about anything, especially Liam. I felt something inside of me crack open, as a wave of emotion ripped through me. I let out a loud scream, the water filling my mouth. The air leaked out of me, intensifying the burn in my lungs, but I kept myself under. This felt like the only place I could scream and yell because no one could possibly hear my cries. I suck in accidentally, causing water to shoot down my throat. I bob up, and a loud gasp rips through me, I start coughing loudly. I try to catch my breath, my eyes sting with tears, and my heart thumps quickly in my chest. Finally, I catch my breath, the pain in my lungs easing. I run my fingers through my curls, moving them away from my face. I turn and walk out of the water, leaving my pain for the ocean. I squeeze the water from my hair before I start wringing out my shirt and shorts.   
“Kie” I look up and see John B making his way towards me. His hair whips around in the breeze, and I notice he’s just wearing his board shorts. “Hey” He stops right in front of me, his eyes moving down to inspect my wet clothing.   
“Hey” I nod  
“You went swimming?” He asks a small smile on his face.   
“Ya” I reply, and he nods. I pick up my bag and start towards the pavement, so I can start walking home.   
“I’ve been calling you all day” He states  
“I was working, sorry” I explained lamely.   
“Kie” His voice is hard, but I keep walking. Then I feel his hand connect with my wrist as he spins me, so I’m facing him.   
“What?” I rip my hand away quickly the thought of being touched lately made me queasy.   
“You’re not doing this with me” He states, his face serious.   
“I’m not doing anything” I reply angrily   
“Ya that’s right, you’re not doing anything!” He yells, and I freeze. “You can’t pick up the phone, not once” His eyes look frantic. I shrug and look down at the sand, hating myself a little more. “Hey” He lifts my face to meet his “I love you man, so stop all of this stupid shit” He exclaims, I quickly pull away from him. “I can’t” I yell back, and I can feel the blood rushing through my veins. “I have no answers for you John B okay, I don’t know what the fuck is going on, and I know all of you think I’ve changed and I can only imagine what you guys think of me.” I spit, the words burning my tongue. They should think those things about me, I think bitterly.   
“Kie, we love you that’s it” He replies, stepping closer to me.   
“Why?” I laugh bitterly “I’m a fucking asshole now, and I don’t care so why should you?” I muse, his eyes soften and I groan “No, don’t feel sorry for me okay I chose this, it’s my fault so you guys don’t have to look at me like I’m a victim” I stammer  
“Kie shut up” He states “You’re acting so dumb of course we care and we don’t pity you we’re worried for our friend who’s always protected us” He explains, and I feel tears bubble in my eyes, making him slightly blurry. “You’re allowed to feel like shit, you’re even allowed to act out but don’t push us away, that’s not allowed” I turn away from him as the tears fall. I feel him wrap his arms around me, tightly, and it only makes the tears fall faster. “We love you, and you haven’t fucked anything up” He whispers   
“You guys should hate me” I clarify “I’ve been so terrible, and I can’t seem to stop myself” I whisper, the words ringing too true.   
“There's nothing you could do that would make us hate you” He exclaims, and I shake my head. Liam’s face pops into my head suddenly, and fear crawls up my spine.   
“Get off” I yell, pulling away from John B. My heart was pounding as I kept repeating the words “Get off” Fear curled it’s way inside of me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.   
“Kie” John B sounds panicked but I shut my eyes tightly and sink to the sand. A vivid image of Liam above me while I whimper get off me, trying but failing to push him off burns behind my eyes. I gasp loudly at the feeling of hands wrapped around my neck. “Kie” John B yells again, and I open my eyes, tears making my vision blurry.   
“I’m okay” I croak, but the tears kept falling as the realization sinks inside of me. It was obvious now, so painfully obvious.   
“What happened?” He sinks down beside me, his face twisted with fear.   
“I..” I couldn’t say the words, it felt like I was going to vomit. Luckily John B’s phone rings out, and he digs inside of his pocket to grab it.   
“it’s Sarah” He states, seeming hesitant to pick it up  
“It could be important, I’m okay” I encourage, he sighs and I give him another encouraging nod.   
“Hey” He answers the phone, his eyes dropping to the sand. I wrap my arms around myself, as the wind whips my wet clothes. “What?” He exclaims, and I stare at him confused. “No, no.” He stands up and I follow quickly “Ya I’ll be right there, I don’t know, stall him, I’m coming now” He’s yelling now, and I start to feel panicked.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask as soon he hangs up the phone. He runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a loud sigh.   
“I have to go” Is all he says, and I shake my head vigorously.   
“John B what’s going on?” I ask   
“It’s JJ” he explains, “I guess he got into a fight or… I don’t know but I have to go” He rushes, I nod and pick up my bag.   
“I’ll come to” I rush forward to catch up with him.   
“You sure?’ He asks   
“I don’t want him getting hurt, no matter what’s happened between us” I answer, he nods and we run to his van. I’ve never seen John B drive so fast, thank god it was only a couple blocks away. We park and jump out, both of us running towards the throngs of people.   
“Sarah” John B calls, pushing past a group of girls. I spot her a couple feet away, so I grab John B’s hand and run towards her. She looks frantic, and then her eyes land on me and I see her panic double.   
“What’s going on?” I ask breathless, she looks like she’s on the verge of tears.   
“He’s fighting, and it’s bad” her words are rushed and frantic, “He won’t stop” she cries, and that’s when I notice the crowd of people. I don’t wait for John B, I just run, my heart racing out of my chest. I push past the crowd that’s gathered and that’s when I see who he’s fighting with, Liam. I freeze, fear gluing me the sand. JJ has him by the throat, pushed up against a tree. Liam’s trying to speak but it’s just huffs of air instead. Someone pulls JJ back, probably trying to stop the fight, but JJ rips his arm away, a crazed look in his eye, and that’s when Liam’s fist connects with his jaw, I gasp.   
“JJ” I yell over the cheers, and gasps, he turns, his eye already swollen. Liam’s about to punch him again, and something inside of me lurches forward. I rush between them, expecting Liam’s hand to collide with some part of me, but it doesn’t.   
“What the fuck” I spit at him, if JJ looked bad it was nothing compared to Liam’s swollen and bloody face.   
“He started it” Liam barks, blood dripping from his lip, I turn back to JJ who has his hands on his knees as he catches his breath.   
“JJ?” I ask, feeling my heart squeeze as he looks up at me. Did he know that Liam and I had done something, was he angry.   
“Why don’t you tell her Liam” He spits instead, and I feel my heartbreak. He was angry, he hated me and he didn’t even know the truth.   
“She was there Maybank” Liam smirks, and I cower away from him as pictures of that night burst in my head. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, it was like his hands were on my neck again, holding me down. That’s when JJ lunges forward, a snarl ripped from his throat as he laid a loud right hook to Liam’s face. Liam stumbles back, but JJ doesn’t waste any time, he takes him by the collar of his shirt shoving him so hard again the tree, that you can almost hear a crack. He digs his fingers under his jaw, pressing harder, Liam lets out a loud groan. I couldn’t let JJ get in trouble over Liam.   
“JJ, stop, you’ll kill him” I rush forward!  
He turns to face me “He deserves it” He states, a softer look in his eye. Did he know, how could he possibly know.   
“She wanted me” Liam squeaks his bloody lip curled up into a smirk, JJ must have loosened his grip. He turns back to him, and I swear he’s going to kill him if I don’t do something. “JJ don’t!” I yell as he slams his head roughly against the tree, Liam goes crosseyed for a second before he lets out a sadistic laugh. I place my hand on his arm, and I can feel him shaking under my fingers. “He’s not worth it, please” I beg, my voice cracking with emotion. He can’t do this for me, not because of Liam. Liam’s face is red and I can tell he can’t breathe. JJ’s eyes brim with tears.“Please” I reach out to touch his cheek gently, he blinks away the tears and gives me a tentative nod.   
JJ drops his voice so low it’s like a growl. “If you ever touch her again, or even look at her again… I will kill you, she won’t be able to talk me out of it next time” He states, before he drops his grip. Liam drops to the sand, gasping for air. “Don’t try it with someone else because all of the girls in this town are going to find out that you’re a scumbag rapist” he whispers the last part, but it still sends a pang of fear down my spine. Liam’s still choking as JJ stands, wiping the dirt off his shorts. I stare down at Liam, breathless and gasping for air, anger blooms inside of me. I step towards him, and JJ pauses, watching me apprehensively.   
I drop down beside him, his eyes widen but he doesn’t flinch “You’re gonna rot in jail” I spit. I stand on shaky legs, my heart pounding so loudly I think it might explode. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, and it made me dizzy. JJ reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers, and I turn my focus to him. His eyes are soft and encouraging. He pulls my hand to his chest, and I let him pull me away from Liam, and the crowd. I catch Sarah’s eye and she looks like she’s been crying, John B’s beside her wide-eyed. I expect us to stop, but JJ walks right past them. It looks like he’s going to the parking lot.   
“JJ” I mumble, wanting to talk to both of them before I go, but he doesn’t respond. “JJ,” I say again this time I stop walking, and he’s forced to stop too. “I.. I don’t know what to say” I mumble suddenly feeling extremely nervous. He turns to me, and I can’t explain the look in his eyes, it’s something I’ve never seen in him before. He drops my hand gently, and I instantly feel cold, but then he takes my face in his hands. It feels like he’s going to kiss me, and It hits me then how much I’ve missed his lips. He doesn’t kiss me though, he just leans in and places his forehead against mine. Tears start streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably like all the built-up anger and pain is finally coming out. He wipes away my tears with his thumbs, his. Breathing syncing with mine.   
“I’m so sorry Kie” His voice cracks, which only makes me cry harder. “I.. fuck I should have been there I shouldn’t have let it happen” He pulls away, turning his body away from me.   
“It’s not your fault” I whimper, I can see how tense his body is. I step forward and place my hand between his shoulder blades. His heart thrums against my fingertips, naturally I lean into him.   
“Are you okay?” He turns to face me, his eyes moving gently over my face. I knew I couldn’t lie to him, he’d see right through me, and I didn’t want to lie to him. I wanted him to comfort me, and make me feel better, he was the only one who could. “No…” I start but then I hear Sarah call my name, and I instinctively move away from JJ.  
“Kie” Sarah stops right in front of me, her glossy eyes studying my face. “I’m so sorry” her lower lip starts to quiver.   
“It’s okay” I whisper, feeling my cheeks burn. She pulls me into a very tight hug, her blonde hair swinging into my face.   
“It’s not, are you okay?” She hiccups, tears cascading down her pink cheeks.   
“Sarah, give her a minute” John B steps up, his eyes on JJ now. Sarah takes a small step away from me, wiping under her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.   
“I… I have to go home” I state randomly, remembering my dad’s words from earlier.   
“I can take you” Sarah replies quickly.   
“You sure you don’t want to come to the Chateau tonight?” John B asks  
“I’m grounded” I gulp, my skin crawling   
“I can take you” JJ steps towards me his eyes gentle. I’m about to agree when I see John B give him a sharp look, JJ nods curtly.   
“I’ll take her, and I’ll stay the night” Sarah steps in. I want to insist that JJ takes me, because all I want is for him to hold me, but then his words from that night crash into me, and I realize John B and Sarah are protecting me. They knew I’d fall into his arms and he still wouldn’t love me.   
“I don’t know if my parents will let you stay the night” I say instead, my heart aching   
“I’ll tell them I got into a fight with my parents” She suggests, I nod and she takes my hand carefully.   
“Tomorrow the chateau,” John B tells me before he pulls me into a short hug.   
…  
Sarah explained that she made me come over to hers after work because she had gotten into a terrible fight with her parents, to my parents. She insisted it would blow over when my parents got concerned, but they ended up caving pretty easily. I think they were happy to see me with Sarah rather than the boys.   
“Kiara, a second please” Mom smiled and I nodded for Sarah to meet me upstairs. “You understand that you can’t condone her fighting with her parents like this” Mom whispers, I nod simply “Okay, just make sure she talks to them tomorrow” She reaches out for me, and I pull away feeling queasy again, she drops her hand. “Anyway, goodnight” She smiles, and I feel tears well in my eyes, watching her turn away from me.   
“Mom” I stammer, she turns back to me her eyebrow raised in question. “I’m sorry” I whisper hoarsely, she squints confused. “I know I’ve been so terrible lately, I.. I’m just sorry” I explain, and her face softens.   
“We’re just worried that’s all, but if you want to talk about anything..” She suggests   
“No, I mean I just, it’s just stuff in my head it’s not you guys okay, you guys are great” I express, she smiles widely and nods in response. “Night, love you” I smile   
“Love you sweetheart” She responds gently before she starts up the stairs.   
…  
Sarah’s under the covers when I walk in, the blanket pulled up to her chin. I smile lightly before I walk to my closet to change. I change quickly, pulling on one of my sleep shirts, that just so happened to be one I stole from JJ a while ago. I lift the shirt to my nose and take a small sniff, but his scent doesn’t linger, mom must have washed it. I crawl in beside Sarah, and I can feel all of her unspoken thoughts push up against me.   
“You can ask,” I tell her as I shut the lights off.   
“Tomorrow okay, you should rest” She whispers, and I feel a tear leak down my cheek. I didn’t want to discuss everything tonight, and I was so happy that she understood that.   
“Thank you” I reply just as quietly   
“Anytime babe” I can hear the smile in her voice, it makes me smile. I shift closer to her, and she wraps her arms around me. She drifts off pretty quickly, her soft breathing replaced with loud snores, it’s actually comforting. I can’t sleep,, every time I shut my eyes it’s like I’m back in that room, with his hands on my throat. I sit up breathing hard, trying to catch my breath. My eyes burned with unshed tears, as I pulled my knees to my chest, rocking myself back and forth. I couldn’t put what he did to me into words, it felt like too big of a word to use, too real. My throat burns as I tried to keep the scream, and sobs from escaping. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think, and the worst part was I couldn’t remember all of it, just ugly bits and pieces. My phone buzzes against my wooden table, and the light illuminates my darkroom. I reach for it, about to shut it off when I see a text from JJ, and freeze. My heart hammered and soared at the same time. I open the message, and I almost cry from happiness. “Outside your window,” he wrote. I slide out of bed, and move to my window, opening it in a rush. He’s staring up, his phone shining on his face.   
“Hey” I call  
“Hey” He responds, and I smile lightly “Can you come down?” He asks “Or I can come up?” He offers. I turn to Sarah, who’s still snoring away.   
“I’ll come down,” I tell him, he nods. I shut the window quietly and grab my sweater from my chair. I could hear my parents TV, which meant they were most likely asleep by now. He’s turned away from me, his hand stuck in his hair, as I make my way towards him.   
“Hey,” I say again, he turns.   
“Hey” He repeats “Sorry did I wake you?” He whispers  
“No” I answer, he nods. We both go quiet, our eyes darting away from each other. “I just needed to check on you” he finally explains, I move my gaze back to his.   
“I’m okay” The words fly out before I can stop them, like autopilot. He tilts his head and his face twists with disbelief. “I’m as okay as I can be” I reiterate.   
“I don’t believe you” He whispers stepping closer to me. “It’s okay, not to be okay.. it’s okay to fall apart” He reaches out and brushes a curl from my face.   
“I.. I don’t even fully remember the night JJ, it’s all blurry” I grit out, shutting my eyes tightly. “All I can remember is him…” I choke on the words, my skin burning. “Him on top of me, holding me down” I croak out, not recognizing my voice. I feel him take my face in his hands again, wiping at the tears I didn't even realize had been let loose.   
“I’m sorry” He whispers and I shake my head in his hands. “I’m here, you can cry, you can scream you can do whatever you need, I’m right here” He states, and I don’t know why but that’s all the reassurance I need, and I let out the sob I’ve been holding in for weeks. He places my head on his chest as he cradled me against him, letting me sob into his chest. “No ones going to hurt you again” He whispers into my hair, and I tighten my grip on him, holding myself firmly against him. I didn't care if he didn't love me like I love him, I needed him to help me, I needed him to make me feel better because he was the only one who could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for your amazing comments and support. I can't tell you guys how much it means to me.   
> ❤️Love you all


	25. Find The Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning, mention of sexual assault/Rape!

Mom called us down for breakfast, which was new, but I decide to not fight it, she could use a break. Sarah started an easy conversation with mom, it’s actually one of her strengths. She knows how to present herself as responsible and civil, it comes in handy a lot. I stare down at my pancakes, feeling my stomach protest. I was still queasy, like my stomach was being twisted into tight knots. I wondered when it’d go away, how long would it take for me to not think about it. I know it just happened, but for some reason, it felt like it was never going away. I pull my knees up to my chest and start poking at my now soggy pancake. My hand started shaking suddenly as Liams cologne filled my senses. I look around panicked, was it just me who could smell it. I turn to Sarah and she’s still smiling widely as my mom and her discuss some funny story that I haven’t been paying attention to. I shut my eyes tightly, willing it to go away. “You’re okay” JJ’s voice echoes in my head. I let out a shaky breath, slowly opening my eyes. I was okay, I was here, not there. My throat burned as I tried to blink away the forming tears in my eyes. “I’m okay” I lip to myself, breathing a small sigh of relief. I started cutting my pancake, hoping it would distract me, plus I hadn’t eaten in two days. The syrup drips off my fork, landing on my lower lip. I was pleasantly surprised that it didn’t make me nauseous, actually the more I ate the hungrier I got.   
“Hungry?” Mom smiles as I grab three steaming pancakes, and plop them onto my plate.   
“Starving” I nod, she seems relieved and it makes my heart ache lightly.   
“So have you talked to your parents?” Mom turns to Sarah, who’s chewing slowly her eyes moving to me.   
“We’re actually planning to go now, I mean if it’s okay that I go with her,” I say, my mouth full.   
“Um… I don’t know when do you work today?” Mom asks  
“I’m off today” I reply, she nods taking a small bite of her omelet.   
“Okay I’ll let you have today, but if you’re not back by nine tonight, then you won’t be leaving the house until you leave for college, got it!” Her eyes are hard, but I can see her small smile it sends a wave of guilt over me.   
“I promise” I nod, she nods back. “Thank you” I smile, her eyes soften and she reaches for my hand, I let her.   
“Nine” She instructs, squeezing my hand   
“Nine” I smile turning to Sarah, who has a matching smile. After breakfast, we go upstairs so I can change, and text the boys that we’re coming over.   
“John B said they’re home so we’re good” Sarah calls from the bathroom, as I pull a tank top over my head.   
“okay” I call back. I move to stand in front of my mirror, my eyes move slowly over my body. I’m wearing my favorite tank top with a big sun on it, and some comfy cotton shorts, basically a Kiara Carrera original, but something was wrong. I pull at the bottoms of my shorts, suddenly noticing how short they look. I spin so I can see the back, and my heart thumps loudly. My eyes land on my cleavage, and I try to pull the tank top up, but it keeps falling down. I felt so exposed, like one wrong move and I’d be left completely naked, the thought sent a shiver down my spine. I rush over to my closet and pull on a black crewneck, and I take off my shorts replacing them with my very old leggings. Sarah’s on the bed when I come out of the closet, her eyes slowly rake over my body, taking in my full coverage outfit.   
“You won’t be hot?” She asks, I shake my head, and she nods slowly. “You ready?” She stands grabbing her bag. I move to my desk and grab my backpack, and phone.   
“Ready” I smile, and follow her out of my room, shutting the door behind us.   
…  
I felt nervous to see JJ again after last night, no one knew he came over. I wrap my arms around myself as we make out way to the back of the Chateau, Sarah leading the way. What would John B say about everything, and Pope he wasn’t even there, he’d have so many questions. Would they all want me to explain what I do remember from that night?! All the possible questions started ricocheting around in my head, creating a very strong headache. “We’re here” Sarah calls, and I notice all three of them are sitting close together, their gazes moving towards us now.   
“Hey” John B sits back in his chair, his eyes on me  
“Hey” I try to smile, but I knew it looked forced. I plop down in one of the lawn chairs, all of their eyes on me. I tuck one of my curls behind my ear and drops my eyes to the ground.   
“How are you guys?” John B asks, his voice tight and uncomfortable, I sigh and look back up at all three of my best friends.   
“Should we get this over with then?” I ask, and John B raises his eyebrow confused. “Go ahead ask” I encourage, and he sighs running his fingers through his hair.   
“They told me everything” Pope blurts suddenly, his cheeks pink  
“I excepted that” I nod at him, he sighs in relief. “Do you guys have any questions?” I ask looking over at Sarah, who’ staring at her lap.   
“I.. we just.. um” John B leans forward, his elbows on his knees as he looks me in the eyes. “If you want to you can tell us” he states calmly.   
“What do you guys know?” I ask, feeling my cheeks burn as I look over at JJ, who’s staring off in another direction, his face hard. “What did Liam say” I croak, my voice raw.   
“It doesn’t matter” John B states “He’s a liar” He adds, but I shake my head.   
“Please JJ, tell me,” I ask, he turns to face me.   
“I overheard him talking to his friends” He starts, his voice hoarse, like he hadn’t spoken in a while. “He said that you were wasted but you were begging him…” he pauses his face twisting slightly “He said that you begged him to have sex, and he said some other stuff” he mutters quickly, as he runs his hand over his face.   
“What other stuff?” I ask   
“Why does it matter Kie, he’s disgusting okay he said disgusting stuff” He yells, his face twisted with anger and repulsion.   
“JJ” Sarah scolds, but I give her a small nod, letting her know I don’t mind. JJ stands and runs his hands roughly through his hair.   
“I need to know okay, I don’t know why but I do” I try to explain, he turns away from me, and again I can see how tense he is.   
“He was just bragging about the stuff you guys did, he said you..” His voice cracks and he turns to face me. “You were down for anything” he finishes, his voice ice cold. Goosebumps rose on my arms, and I instinctively pulled my sweater over my knees, like it could swallow me whole.   
“I.. I don’t remember a lot” I stammer, staring down at the ashes in the empty sire pit.   
“Kie, you don’t have to explain anything” Sarah leans over, placing her hand on my knee, I flinch a little, and she pulls back.   
“I want you guys to know” I whisper, my heart racing. “I don’t remember a lot, at first I didn’t remember anything and I thought we had just had sex.” I explain “Um then it was just one memory, like a flash of that night, of him…, but then it just sort of fell into place and I remembered that…” I choke on my words, tears burning my eyes.   
“Kie” Sarah coos, and I look up, tears falling from my eyes. My eyes land on JJ, he’s staring back, his face calm and encouraging.   
“I remembered that I didn’t want to have sex with him, I didn't want him like that and tried to stop him… I did, I tried” I cry. “I tried to push him off and I told him to get off me, but he didn’t listen, and I was so drunk.. and…” I’m sobbing now, but the words keep falling out without control, like all the pieces are finally clicking into place. “And he didn’t listen and then I stopped fighting… I did stop” I wipe under my eyes roughly, hiccuping. The night was suddenly crystal clear, and I needed to say it now or I’d forget again. “because he wasn’t listening so I just stopped and waited for it to be over, and then after it was done I couldn’t move, I couldn’t pick myself up, and I fell asleep... I fell asleep next to him because I couldn’t move not because I wanted him..” I explain “I didn’t want it, I didn't want it” I yell, my throat burning. “Then I forgot, I woke up and I forgot everything he had done to me, said to me..” I gasp for air, and I can feel his hands again. “Now I remember, I remember everything, and I can’t forget it, I can’t stop feeling his hands on my neck and his body on top of me, like a fucking anchor. I didn’t know okay, and now I do and I don’t... I don’t know what to do” I stand on shaky legs, my head spinning. “What do I do now?” I ask  
“You know what to do now” JJ speaks, and I sniffle.   
“It won’t matter, his dad will just get him out of it” I reply shakily.   
“It does matter, you matter and what he did to you matters” He exclaims, stepping towards me.   
“JJ” I whisper “Don’t JJ me Kie, you can’t let him get away with this, you have to hold him accountable” he’s standing right in front of me now, his eyes blaring into mine.   
“I’m not letting him get away with anything” I step away angrily “Trust me I know what he did, but news flash JJ I was drunk and I wore a skirt, which in the eyes of the fucking law means I was asking for it” I yell, and I can hear Sarah’s small but sharp intake of breath. I turn away from them, my heart hammering away like a thunderstorm. They were all silent, and it made shame swarm inside of me.   
“You didn’t ask for it, it wasn’t your fault” JJ states, and my chest aches.   
“I know that” I reply harshly, that’s when I feel him take my hand in his, gently.   
“Look at me” he whispers, his fingers moving to my chin. His touch is gentle, like he’s making sure it’s okay. He pulls my face up to meet his, and I’m shocked to see how serious he looks. “It wasn’t your fault, there is no way you could have stopped him, you did everything you could. This was all him” He states again, and I flinch   
“I know that JJ” I respond angrily, the familiar sting of tears in my eyes.   
“Kie” he takes my face in his hands “You didn’t do anything wrong,” He says again, and this time I shake my head.   
“I was drunk” I whisper “I was alone… and I’d been leading him on..” The words send a wave of repulsion over me. “I was thinking about sleeping with him JJ to make you jealous or to get over you I don’t know but I was thinking about it” I’m crying again.   
“I show too much skin, and… I…” I cough, gasping for air, he holds my face tightly. “I could have fought harder, I just gave up. It feels like I did it to myself” I finally admit. I’m expecting him to pull away, or to look at me with disgust, and hatred. I hated myself for what I had been doing lately, what lead me here right now.   
“You were drunk, and he took advantage of that, of you Kie” He starts, his thumb brushing away the tears. “You were alone, and that’s on us, we left you alone, that’s on us Kie” a sob shakes my body, but he steadies me. “You were trying to make me jealous, and that’s on me, because I let you down so many times, that’s on me” His voice shakes, and it makes me want to pull him into a hug. “You could have worn anything that night, a fucking parka even and it wouldn’t have changed him, that’s not on you, that’s on him. He’s the one who did this, not you, he violated you in a way no one should ever be violated. He made sure you were drunk, he did this, not you!” His voice is demanding, and I find myself nodding along. “You fought as hard as you could” I shake my head this time and drop my eyes. “Kie, look at me” He orders, and I do. “You fought as hard as you could, you didn’t give up, you fucking survived, you got through it you’re here right now because you’re strong, so don’t ever blame yourself for giving up because that’s the furthest thing from the truth” He expresses, and I give him a small nod. “This is not your fault, you didn’t do it to yourself, this happened to you” I nod again.   
“I tried” I state quietly, he nods.   
“You couldn’t have prevented it” He affirms. “And no judge or law can take that away” he adds. “You’re the strongest person I know Kie” Sarah states, and JJ drops his hands, so I can turn to her. “and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, I should have been.” She asserts  
“No, it’s okay I was such a bitch” I wipe my eyes.   
“We all should have been there” Pope steps up, and I notice his eyes are glossy. “And I’ll support whatever you choose, but this fucking douchebag needs to rot in prison” He growls. John B pushes past Pope and JJ before he pulls me into a big hug, tears staining his cheeks.   
“I’m so sorry” He whispers, I hug him back tightly, breathing in his familiar scent.   
“I know” I reply softly   
“I love you” He pulls away, and I reach up to wipe his eyes, and he lets out a small huff of air that sounds like a small laugh.   
“Love you too dumb-ass” I smile back  
“I love you too” Sarah rushes forward, her small arms wrapping around me tightly.   
“Anyone else?” I laugh, and then we’re all hugging, it’s one big fucked up bear hug.   
…  
“Mom, dad” I call, dropping my bag onto the front bench.   
“The kitchen” Mom responds. It was eight-thirty, thirty minutes before curfew. Mom and dad are sitting at the counter sharing a piece of cake when I walk in. “You’re early” Mom turns to face me, her smile soft.   
“Didn’t want to jinx it” I smile back, she lets out a small airy laugh. I move to the other side of the counter, grabbing myself a water from the fridge. I notice both of their smiles are kind of like matching puzzle pieces, it makes me smile. She leans into him, as he takes a big chunk of the cake, her eyes wide and humorous.   
“How was it with the boys hun?” She nudges him, her eyes moving to me.   
“Cause any trouble?” Dad asks grimly, I shake my head, placing my glass on the countertop.   
“I actually…” I feel the pressure build inside of me, so I take a small breath. I knew I needed to tell them, they’d help me with all of the police stuff. I knew that I had to report him, he shouldn’t be able to do this again. “I need to tell you guys something?” I spit out, both of their smiles falter.   
“Okay” mom nods, leaning forward, the humor gone from her eyes.   
“I also need you guys to listen to all of it, please don’t interrupt” I prelude, and they both nod. I place my hands flat down onto the cold counter, hoping it helps to keep me steady. “That night, that I stayed out and didn’t tell you where I was, well I wanted to explain what happened and why I’ve been so… distant” I mumble, my cheeks burning. My heart was racing I was surprised they couldn’t hear it. “I… I..” The words are lodged in my throat, and then mom reached for my hand, giving me a small, reassuring squeeze. “I was raped that night, by Liam Maxfield” Mom’s hand goes slack. They both look frozen, their eyes wide, and their jaws dropped slightly. “I was drinking, and I guess he got me back to his place, and.. ya” I add awkwardly.   
“You.. you were” Mom’s lower lip trembles, and I can see the tears in her eyes.   
“I plan to report him” I reply, even though that’s not what she asked.   
“Kiara” Mom stands, and I notice how pale she looks like all the life has been sucked out of her. “Kiara” She repeats as she moves around the counter. I open my arms and she pulls me into another tight hug.   
“I know” I mumble against her chest. Her heart was racing, and it brought tears to my eyes.   
“… oh my sweet baby, my baby” She cries harder “Are you okay, I mean physically?” She pulls back, her eyes traveling over me “My baby” She repeats, as she places a soft kiss to my cheek. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this, and we’re going to make sure he’s Locked up forever” She states, her face hardening. I turn to face dad, and he’s still frozen in place, his eyes glued to the counter. “Mike” Mom calls, and his eyes snap up towards us.   
“I..I” he mumbles, as tears cascade down his cheeks. I rush over to him, and pull him into me, holding him tightly.   
“I don’t know what to say” He cries, and I nod. I’ve never seen my dad cry before, and the sight sends a deep ache through me.   
“You don’t have to say anything, just hug me” I reply, and he tightens his grip.   
“I love you” He whispers against my hair. I feel mom come up behind me, and she wraps her arms around both of us.   
…  
After a couple hours of mom and dad, keeping me glued to their side as we discuss our next step, in regards to reporting him, they finally let me go to bed. I knew they didn’t know what to say to make me feel better, but all they have to do is love me and they do love me, so much. I could see the guilt in their eyes when they realized how absent I’ve been, they thought I was rebelling, how could they think it was actually this, no parent wants to think that. I burrow under the covers, my body exhausted. I shut my eyes expecting to easily drift to sleep, but of course, it’s not that easy. I keep tossing and turning, my mind moving a mile a minute. I could feel how tired I was, my eyes were drooping but every time I tried to drift off it’s like an alarm rings in my head. I turn to stare at my phone, a part of me longing to call JJ. I know I’d fall asleep if he held me, but I can’t just text him that. “He doesn’t love you like that” I scream at myself. I turn away from my phone, my stomach twisting tightly with longing. I turn to my side, staring at the empty side of my bed. I reach out, running my fingers over the pillow, which I still haven’t washed. It still smelt like him, and it helped me when all I wanted was for him to be here, to rock me to sleep. I pull the pillow to my chest, inhaling the slowly fading sent. My heart ached, a slow agonizing ache that seemed to build. I knew it was pathetic, everything inside of me was screaming to let It go, but I couldn’t. My phone rings out in the quiet room, I turn quickly to grab it, thinking it could be something important.   
“I’m outside” JJ texted, and I froze. He was outside, he was here. I slide off my bed and move to my window. “JJ” I whisper yell, spotting him   
“Hey” He replies a small smile on his face. “I just wanted to make sure your okay” He adds, and my heart explodes with emotion.   
“You want to come up?” I ask, praying he says yes. I probably shouldn’t have asked. I should have told him I was fine and made some lame excuse that I was really tired, but I couldn’t.   
“Ya,” He nods. I watch him climb the tree that leads to my window almost effortlessly, like he’s done it so many times before, he has. I step back so he can climb in without knocking into me.   
“Hey” I smile nervously, he pushes his hair from his face.   
“Hey” He smiles back “You look tired” He steps closer, his eyes filled with concern.   
“Thanks” I muse sarcastically.   
“You look gorgeous, but tired” He reiterates, and I hate how much my heart skips at his words.   
“I am” I respond. He reaches out, running his finger gently under my eye, leaving tingles in his wake.   
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” He asks, but he sounds like he already knows the answer.   
“I can’t get my mind to shut up” Something about the way he looks at me, makes me want to tell him the truth, always.   
“Come on” he takes my hand and leads me to my bed. He climbs in next to me, slowly peeling off his dirty t-shirt, so he’s left shirtless. He pulls me into his side and gently presses my head down onto his chest. His skin is soft against my cheek, and I can hear the strong beat of his heart. He starts running his fingers through my hair, his touch tender. I feel my eyes start to drop, like heavy anchors.   
“Thank you” I mutter, my words barely above a whisper.   
“Anytime” he leans down and places a small kiss on my forehead. I let him lull me to sleep with his soft touch.


	26. Caution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter, the next will be a lot longer, promise.   
> Also thank you all for all of your support, it means the world to me!!  
> Luv ya all😊❤️

I stare down at the blank sheets of paper, they seem to glare back at me. Taunting me with their blankness, dramatic, but true. I shift slightly, so I can pull my legs up onto my chair. My bum was starting to feel numb from sitting in the same spot too long, three hours to be exact. Three hours I’ve been sitting here staring at these damn blank pages. I was supposed to write my victim impact statement, but my mind was empty. I cant come up with enough words to string a fucking sentence together, let alone a paragraph! I drop my head onto my desk and groan loudly. This should be easy, just write what happened that night, and how it affected me, but I can’t. It’s like all my literary skills have flown out the window. I lift my head, and pick up my pen, hovering over the page. “Just write it down” I whisper to myself, but nothing. I drop the pen and push back my chair, deciding to leave it for the night. I had three days till court, so I had three days to finish this fucking thing. Everything happened so fast after I told my parents. They had me see a lawyer the next day, and now we have a court date, which seemed so beyond crazy to me. It felt like bigger now, like I had blown it up, and I know deep down that, that’s not true but sometimes the thought grows inside of me. There’s a knock on my door, interrupting my burgeoning thoughts.   
“Come in” I answer. Mom pops her head in, a wide smile on her face.   
“You have some guests, is it okay if I let them in?” She asks gently. She’s been making sure to check with me every time someone comes over, it’s sweet.   
“Sure mom” I nod, she opens the door fully now, and I see Sarah, John B, Pope, and JJ behind her. They all pile into my room, all of them smiling politely as they pass her. “Hey” I laugh, as John B jumps onto my bed with a loud groan. Mom catches my eye and gives me a gentle smile and nod, like she’s saying I’m here if you need me, I nod back. “So, you busy?” John B asks, I turn back to him with a lifted eyebrow and he laughs. “You want to go surfing?” He reiterates. I turn to Sarah, who sits down beside him, her cheeks pink. I have to remember to ask her how things are going there.   
“Ugh, sure, I could use a break” I agree  
“From what?” JJ asks, I turn to him.   
“Nothing, from sitting here” I lie, but I know he doesn’t buy it. I stand and move to my closet quickly.   
“Hey, can I borrow a board?” I hear Sarah asks as I’m changing into my bathing suit.   
“You're gonna surf?” I ask   
“Practice right” She laughs, I nod even though she can’t see me.   
“Ya of course,” I tell her, as I come out of my closet. I notice JJ’s eyes on me, and I feel myself shiver and I quickly turn away. I’ve been trying to avoid prolonged eye contact with him lately, it just confuses me more, and I hate how pathetic it sounds but when he looks at me like that I know I’d do anything for him. “You just need to help me get it from the garage” I turn to Sarah.   
“I can get it” JJ volunteers quickly  
“Ya, It’s just on one of the racks” I keep my eyes on Sarah “Just pick whichever you want” I add. She looks between JJ and me with a weird look, but she smiles widely and nods in response. I watch her take JJ’s hand as she pulls him out of the room, I’m thankful for the tiny bit of space.   
“You okay?” John B asks once their out of the room   
“Ya”  
“Kie, that sounds like bullshit” Pope interjects, as I grab my beach towel and bag.   
“I just want everything to feel normal again, can we do that for one day?” I ask them, their faces soften immediately.   
“So that means I shouldn’t let you catch more waves than me?” John B asks, I turn and glare, but I can’t help the small smile on my face.   
“You wish that was true” I shove him, and Pope chuckles. I start downstairs to tell my mom I was going to hang out with the boys and Sarah for a but.   
“We’re equal at least,” John B asks behind me   
“No” Pope answers making me laugh quietly.   
“Fuck that” John B mutters, as I spot mom on the living room couch.   
“Hey.. so is it okay if I go surfing for a bit?” I plop down beside her. She mutes the TV, turning her attention to me.   
“Ya, of course” She smiles reaching out to caress my cheek gently. “Just text me if you guys are doing anything after okay” her face becomes serious, and that pit inside of me opens.   
“Of course, we’ll probably just go to the chateau if anything” I muse gently, she nods and I stand.   
“Kiara” She calls as I turn away, I crane my neck to look back at her. “Did you finish…” She stalls like she doesn’t know what to call it   
“Ya, almost” I lie quickly, she smiles.   
“Okay, have fun then, and all of you be safe” She points at John B and Pope, who nod promptly. We make out way to the garage, and I can hear Sarah, she sounds like she’s whispering so I freeze, my hand on the doorknob.   
“You can’t do that without saying anything JJ, it just hurts her more” is all I make out before I feel John B push past me, into the garage.   
“Of course you picked the pink one” John B laughs. I stare at the pair curiously, my stomach clenches tightly as the words replay in my head. Did she know about JJ coming over every night to help me sleep, did he tell her? I feel my cheeks burn brightly, as the feeling of embarrassment sweeps me. Was he asking her for advice on how to tell me we should stop, so I don’t get the wrong idea? I could feel my heart rate speed immediately, and my body felt oddly hot.   
“Kie” Sarah places her hand on my arm slowly. My gaze springs to hers, and I can see the worry in them.   
“Sorry, just dazed out” I laugh, pushing some hair from my face, she nods retracting her hand. “We got everything?” I ask quickly, moving to open the garage door. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed by both of them, and that realization only made my body burn more.   
…  
“That’s bullshit” Pope states, as John B, JJ, and Sarah loud loudly. He looks completely taken back by the fact that Sarah Danielson asked about him at a party, its classic Pope. I dig my toes into the sand, letting my eyes fall to the crashing waves. We had just spent two hours in them, chasing them, and all I wanted to do was go right back in. I hadn’t been surfing in a while before this, and I missed it. I forgot how cathartic it is to just be one with the water, letting it wash away the outside. I needed that more than ever now, to forget everything. I wanted to join in on the conversation with Pope, to tease him about his obvious crush but it felt like my lips were glued shut. I couldn’t string a sentence together, and it only made me feel more deflated than before. I watched as the four of them keeled over with laughter, their faces bright and happy. It should make me feel better, but it only made me angry and bitter, which in turn made me feel guilty as hell. I tug my knees tighter to my chest, resting my chin between them. I finally let my eyes fall to JJ’s smiling face, and it sends a sharp pain through me. His smile was big, but his eyes weren’t as bright. I knew he was thinking about something because his eyes weren’t matching his actions. His eyes catch mine, I should turn away, but even his gaze makes me feel a little better. Then the conversation from earlier popped into my head, and I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment so I quickly turned my eyes down to the sand.   
“Weren’t you friends with her Kie?” Sarah asks  
“Who?” I look up, avoiding JJ.   
“Sarah, weren’t you guys friends?” She asks again  
“In the fifth grade ya for like a week” I try to smile but It doesn’t show. “But she’s nice I know that because she always helps me with the trash after the beach cleanups” I add, noting their concerned eyes.   
“So she’s an environmentalist?” Pope asks   
“Ya” I nod, and he smiles, his cheeks turning pink. “You should know how to talk to her then” I laugh, and he nods his blush darkening.   
“She’s cute too” Sarah coos, I nod in agreement.   
“Total hottie” I add, and John B chuckles lightly.   
“You want me to put in a good word?” Pope jokes and I shove him with my sandy foot.   
“Actually sure, she’s definitely my type” I muse quietly, and I notice Sarah’s jaw slacken slightly. “Don’t worry I won’t steal your girl, even though I totally could” I wink, and JJ laughs, which makes me blush.   
“Wait I can’t tell if you’re serious” Sarah laughs. I suddenly remember that I never came out as bisexual to Sarah.   
“No, I mean not about Sarah that would be a total dick move to Pope, but I am bisexual” I explain, her eyes widen.   
“Why haven’t you told me?” She asks, I shrug. “Did you guys know?” Sarah turns to the guys  
“We all witnessed her first kiss with a girl” John B replies “Also the first people she came out to” He looks proud and it makes me smile. I remember how nervous I was, to fully come out, like it would somehow change things, or how they thought of me. They had seen me kiss Daniella but I told them it was a dare and shit, not that they bought it.   
“Good times” JJ remarks, and I throw some sand at him.   
"Gross,” I say, and he shrugs at me with a wide smile.   
“Why didn’t I know?” Sarah whines, her eyes comically wide.   
“I figured you already knew for some reason,” I tell her, she sighs.   
“Well shit, congrats I guess, a little late” She laughs, It makes me smile.   
“Thanks”   
“Have you ever had sex with a girl?” She whispers loudly  
“Sarah” I chuckle “Sorry” She blushes “Later” She mouths, and I laugh.   
“Anyway, Sarah’s super sweet you should go for it” I turn to Pope, he’s looking down at his feet. “Plus she’s into you so.,” I add, and he reaches over to shove me, but I dodge his arm. My phone rings loudly, scaring us all.   
“Hello” I answer   
“It’s mom, just checking in” I mouth mom to them before I move a couple of feet away from them.   
“Ya, I was just gonna call, we just finished at the beach, we’re probably gonna go to the chateau,” I tell her, kicking some sand with my feet. “Oh okay, you’re coming home though right?” She asks, her tone squeaky.   
“Ya, I promise” I reply “You okay?” I add   
“I’m great, your dad just came home, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay”   
“Okay,” I nod, knowing that’s she just really worried. “Thanks for checking in”   
“No problem baby, I’ll see you tonight”   
“Okay, see you tonight,” I say before I hang up. I stare at mom’s picture, tears burning my eyes. She’d always be worried now, constantly checking in to make sure I’m okay. I knew she felt guilty for everything even though none of it had anything to do with her. She loved me so much, that it was kind of second nature to feel guilty when something terrible happens. Like how guilty I felt that my parents were constantly worried and stressed because of me. I drop my phone and turn to the water, my heart hammering away in my chest. I needed space just for a second I needed to clear my head. I walk slowly into the water, the water colder than earlier because the sun was already setting. I could imagine they were all starting, worried, like everyone in my life. Everyone was worried for me or about me, it was all just concern and fear and it made me queasy. I’m waist-deep now, the cool water sending goosebumps over my skin. I just needed a second to myself where nothing mattered, where no one is worried or scared. I take a big breath before I drop under, letting the water take over. I open my eyes, but everything is dark and blurry, kind of like a blank state of mind. I feel my lungs burn, and it makes me smile, because all I could think of was the burning in my chest. The water in my ears made it so I could only hear the soft hum of the ocean, like a lullaby. I was okay under the water, nothing outside mattered only the air in my lungs. The air in my lungs is the only thing that I could focus on, how much I had left, when I’d need more. It was all so simple that it made my smile widen and I let out a small laugh, the water bubbling around me. I push myself up, the burn in my lungs intensifying. I take a giant breathe as soon as I emerged from the water, my smile still wide. I push my hair out of my eyes, and let out a small bubbly laugh, that echoes loudly around me. I lift my arms, the laugh growing. I couldn’t stop myself, it just kept coming out. My eyes got blurry as tears started falling down my cheeks because of how hard I was laughing. I turn to the shore, and sure enough, all of them are watching with wide eyes.   
“I’m fine” I grin, starting to walk out of the water. I notice JJ is standing, a hard look on his face. “I just needed a swim” I grab my towel and wrap it tightly around me. JJ looks me up and down, the serious look on his face doesn’t change. His eyes land on mine, and I can see the question in them, the fear, it makes me laugh again. “I’m fine” I repeat in a nonchalant tone. His face softens as he nods in agreement, like he was finally accepting it. Then he turns grabs his bag and starts walking towards the street. I turn to John B, and he shrugs looking just as confused.   
“JJ” I call, but he doesn’t turn and I find myself running towards him, my feet having a mind of their own. “JJ” I yell again, this time from right behind him. “Hey, stop walking away from me” I grab his arm and pull him back. His eyes are glossy and sharp when he turns to face me, and it hits me like a punch to the gut. “I was just swimming” I spit out, my heart racing.   
“Sure” He responds coldly.   
“Fuck you JJ” I yell automatically, like the words have been poised on my tongue. He looks like I’ve just slapped him, but I don’t care, my heart is racing too fast and I’m angry. “You have no right to judge me, none! So stop with all the concerned looks I’m fine” He nods, but his eyes are still hard,   
“You keep saying that” He mumbles in response and I scoff.   
“What do you want me to say JJ, that I’m hurt or that I sometimes feel nothing? I’m trying to be fine, I’m trying with everything inside of me to be fine and you’re not helping!” I’m yelling but I don’t care.   
“You don’t have to be fine all the time for us Kie, that’s not what we want!” He responds, and I let out a bitter laugh.   
“No, I just get those looks, the ones that only make me feel more isolated and alone” I don’t tell him that he’s the only one that doesn’t look at me like I'm a broken toy, it’s not the point. “And I definitely don’t need your pity, so stop doing me favors okay I’m a big girl I can handle your rejection, it’s not like I haven’t before” I blurt, my voice dropping. His eyes move over my face, and I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I don’t melt like I always do, not this time. Then he turns to walk away again, and my heart hurts so badly. “Walk away, it’s what you do best” I scream, and he freezes in place. He rushes back to me, his face unbearably soft.   
“I’m not running away from you Kie, not anymore” His hands grab the sides of my face, holding my stare with his. Was this the moment that I melted into his embrace, and I let him show me that he’s changed, that he loves me like I love him. A sharp pain inside my chest brings me back to reality, the reality where he doesn’t love me like I love him and he never will. So I step out of his embrace, my face held no emotion.   
“I don’t believe you, and anyway you were right JJ, we could never work that way, we don’t make sense” Every word was painful, like a hot iron ripping through me, but I didn’t flinch. I knew he was only saying this because I was vulnerable and he was JJ, nurturing at heart. He didn't want me to be in pain anymore, but I couldn’t let him pity love me, no matter how much I needed him. So this was better, this was easier for both of us. An out for him, and the semblance that I wasn’t completely, indescribably in love with him. His face drops, and I feel tears prick my eyes for the hundredth time this week. “Friends always” I add, not able to cope with the idea of never having him in my life again. I wasn’t that strong. I turn away from him, so he couldn’t notice the glossiness in my eyes.   
“Sarah, could you drive me home?” I ask, my voice stronger than I expected, she stands quickly. The drive home is quiet, Sarah doesn’t ask any questions, understanding my incapability to answer them right now.   
“You can go back, I’m probably gonna watch a movie with my parents” I lie when she pulls into my driveway.   
“Kie” she calls when I open the door, I turn to face her. “I want to stay” She states, and I feel the air leave my lungs.   
“You do?” I croak  
“Yeah, I really do”   
“The boys need the car back” I chuckle  
“They can walk” She assures smiling widely.   
“Okay”   
…  
We were watching the office with steaming hot chocolates in our hand, courtesy of my mom, both of us silent. I lean into her, letting her warmth soak into my side. I needed her tonight, more than I even knew.   
“Why did you do it?” She asks, his voice so quiet I don’t know if she’s talking to me. I turn slightly, and her eyes meet mine, filled with curiosity and sadness.   
“He doesn’t love me like I love him” I’ve never admitted that out loud, and it sounds even more pathetic than in my head.   
“Kie” she starts but I shake my head.   
“Please don’t, it’s okay” my voice is shaky “I just want to be here with you” I add turning back to the TV. She doesn’t say anything, just lifts her arm so she can sling It around my shoulders and pull me closer.   
“I love you” she states, and the words bring tears to my eyes.   
“I love you” I drop my head to her shoulder. I felt so broken inside, but having her here with me, it made a sprig of happiness pop up inside of me. I needed her here with me and she knew that because she loves me.


	27. Fusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all of your support, it's so amazing!!

Vulnerability is often thought of as a weakness. You drop your guard and you’re left defenseless or in my case violated. That night I had been drinking, maybe too much but does that mean I was asking for it? Does it mean I wanted to be riddled with nightmares and emotional scars that might never heal? Does It mean I deserved to feel disgusting and shameful? Part of me agreed with the stigma that if you drink too much you’re putting it out there, you’re leaving yourself defenseless in a world where the urges of men are more important. I’ve been programmed to believe that it was my fault I was stupid to think a man could resist my sloppy demeanor, and instead see it as an invitation to get what he wants. I had feelings of shame and hatred towards myself, and a shameful part of me wondered why I had drank so much. Why had I worn a skirt, or a shirt so revealing? Why hadn’t I seen it coming? Why hadn’t I expected as much, since I had been leading him on? Why did I expect to be respected and taken care of by someone I considered a friend, or at the very least a decent human being. I was ashamed because I believed that I had been leading him on, but I did not consent to what he did that night. Liam Maxfield took advantage of my vulnerability. He used the fact that I was drunk as an excuse to do what he wanted, as an invitation to my body because we had kissed the previous night. He used the fact that he was a friend to his advantage, too take advantage of me. He took away my Innocence and hope. He opened my eyes to what the world around me really is. He entered my body without consent and without my consciousness. I will forever look behind my shoulder, I will forever be scared to walk by myself at night. I will forever be traumatized by Liams actions. I will forever feel dizzy when I smell his cologne. I will forever remember his hands around my neck and how hard it was to breathe. I’ll always remember the sound of my gasps and his grunts. This will follow me forever, just lurking behind every new hello or friendly face. This is now my life, and there’s no reversing time to change it, no matter how much I want to. It’s simple really, but at the same time, it’s vastly complicated. Liam Maxfield raped me, and the next day while I was having flashbacks, and struggling to cope, he was bragging about it to his friends…  
I couldn’t read the rest it was too hard, fuck it was harder to write it. I struggled because I didn't know if any of it mattered in the end. My word against his, and his word was pretty powerful. But then I wrote and it kept spilling out of me, lie a leaky faucet. I’m trying to see that this mattered in a bigger sense, that it’s not just me, but every girl after me, or before me. This was for everyone who much like me didn't want to come forward. It’s something you’ll never understand until you’re standing at the gate, waiting for your decision. Waiting to see if you're strong enough to retell it, to put it all out there in this shitty justice system. But it isn’t about strength it’s about support and love. Luckily I have so much support, and love, that I got to tell my story because of it. I know now that I needed to do this, these words need to be heard. The report held all the details that have been burning inside my head since it happened. It depicted everything, it also held all the pain I feel. I poured myself into it, because this was my chance to tell my story for anyone who was listening and needed strength for their own. This is for every person who’s been violated and told that it’s their fault, or that it never happened at all. I believe you.   
…  
“Probation?” Sarah scoffs, her hand tightening on the paper she was holding. “He got six months of community service?” She huffs, her voice cold.   
“I know” I reply quietly, she turns to face John B and Pope, JJ was at work.   
“How?” Her voice sounds wobbly and uneven.   
“It’s his first offense, and his dad’s a lawyer” I explain, she places the paper down and turns to me her eyes glossy.   
“You deserved better,” She remarks gently.   
“I did” I nod, she pulls me into a hug, her body shaking. I squeeze her back, relishing in the warmth she brought me. “I’m still glad I said something” I whisper against her hair   
“Ya me too” she whispers back.   
“Are you okay?” John B asks, Now he’s holding the piece of paper.   
“No, but I did everything I could and at least I got to tell my side” I admit, he nods a smile on his face.   
“You saved someone Kie, because he would have done it again and at least now everyone here knows” Pope steps forward, I nod.   
“I wanted to say thank you, to all of you” I start   
“Kie, you don't have to” Sarah comments   
“I do because I appreciate you guys and all your support” I smile at all three of them. “So thank you guys”   
“We love you, and we know you’d do the same” John B states, and then we’re all hugging, and it makes me laugh happily.  
“I do have one issue” Sarah steps away from us, her eyes watery  
“What?”   
“You and JJ” She raises her eyebrows, and I feel my cheeks flush.   
“There's no JJ and me okay, everything is going back to normal” I express feeling the familiar tug in my chest.   
“That’s the problem Kie” She explains, and now I’m confused. “You two need to stop being so fucking stupid” I let out a small huff at the insult and John B chuckles.   
“She’s right, you two are so oblivious” Pope adds, and I stare between them shocked.   
“I’m not oblivious, there’s just…” I didn't even know how to finish that sentence. “JJ doesn’t love me like that, and before you guys give me that look It’s fine okay, it’s the truth and I understand that,” I explain  
“But he does” John B states   
“No he doesn’t not really, he’s just a really good person but it’s different” I express, trying to get them to understand. “Can we drop it please, it’s over” I shake out my hands, feeling my heart thud loudly against my ribcage?  
“You’re too stubborn Kie” Pope exclaims, and I glare lightly. I don’t want to hear how much they think JJ loves me, it only makes things harder. It was excruciating to walk away from him that night, it felt like my heart was being ripped away from me, but I don’t think I’ll be able to recover if I let him in again and he leaves because he realizes it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough.   
…  
Dinner with my parents is quiet, I can feel their thoughts bouncing around between us. I knew they’re disappointed with the sentencing, they wanted more, we all did. I shift and the chair squeaks loudly in the quiet room.   
“We should get that fixed” Mom comments with a small soft smile. “I was thinking about getting new ones actually, what do you guys think?”   
“I guess we have had these since before Kiara” Dad nods, his face stony. “Sounds like a good idea”   
“We could pick them out together Kie, what do you think?” Her smile widens slightly, and I hate how awkward this conversation feels.   
“Can we maybe talk about what you guys are actually thinking about?” I blurt, and mom’s smile dims immensely.   
“Kiara” Dad starts, his tone somber   
“No dad, it’s okay to talk about it, I know you’re both disappointed” I place my fork down gently.   
“Not in you” Mom jumps in, her eyes wide with worry.   
“I know”   
“We’re not disappointed, we’re just processing” Dad muses  
“It’s just a lot to take in and I’m sure it’s one hundred percent worse on you sweetie” Mom reaches for my hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.   
“Well I’m disappointed” I state and their eyes widen. “I’m livid that he just got community service”   
“Honey, we’re so sorry” Her lip wobbles   
“You don’t have to be because even though I’m angry I’m also relieved that it’s finally over. I’m so grateful for you guys and how you’ve handles all of this with me. You’ve been pretty much perfect, and you know how much I hate that word” I laugh. Mom’s eyes fill with tears. “The point is I know it’s disappointing and unfair but at least it’s out there and people know that..” I feel emotion swell inside of me   
“Honey, if anyone's perfect here it’s you. You are so strong, stronger than both of us. We’re just upset that it didn’t go better because you deserve so much better. We could never be disappointed in you Kiara, you’ve been amazingly strong. You’re right, you put it out there so everyone can see and that can be the scariest thing anyone can do, but you did it not just for yourself but for every woman and man who’s been through the same thing. You are so brave and we are beyond proud of you, so proud I can’t even find the words to explain it” She smiles a water smile, and I feel my tears fall down my cheeks.   
“I couldn’t have done it without you guys” I wipe away my stray tears and suck in a steadying breathe through my nose.   
“We love you so much” Dad states, his tone wobbly, it makes me smile.   
“I love you guys”   
…  
I end up sneaking off to the beach, to watch the sunset by myself. It was nice to just sit there and not have to think about what everyone else is thinking about. I dig my toes into the sand, while I shut my eyes and inhale the salty air. I was waiting for the inevitable anxiety and fear when Liam popped into my head, but surprisingly it didn’t come. I felt relieved, like I can finally flip the chapter to something better. I knew that this wouldn’t last, I’d have days where I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed because the flashbacks are so bad. I knew I’d always keep pepper-spray in my purse just in case. I also knew I’d never drink alone again. I still had nightmares, that made me wake drenched in sweat, shaking. That’s why it was so hard for me to sleep lately, but today right now I felt relieved and it made me smile. I could finally breathe without the suffocating pressure on my chest. It made tears spring to my eyes, the good tears that came from bursts of happiness or laughter. I let out a small bubbly laugh, it seems to echo around the empty, quickly darkening beach. The sun was low, the orange glow fading into the water. I stand, the breeze blew my hair wildly around my face.   
“Six months community service” I hear behind me, I instantly recognize JJ’s voice, so I keep my gaze on the water. “Were you going to tell me?” He sounds closer now.   
“You know anyway” I reply  
“Were you going to tell me?” He repeats.   
“You know I was” I state before I push my zip-up off my shoulders, it lands in the sand by my feet. I was wearing a tank top, so the wind sent goosebumps across my arms. I kicked off my shoes and I started towards the inviting water. I knew he wouldn’t follow me, he just stood there watching. The waters cold, but I march forward. Saltwater splashes up with even movement, spraying my face. I dive into the cool water, blacking out the world one more time. This time I didn’t feel the crushing weight of everything out there instead I felt free and happy. The hum of the ocean brought a smile to my face. I float up to the surface and notice the sun is gone leaving the moon in its wake. I turn finally to the shore and spot JJ. He’s staring back, a small smile playing at his lips. I swim back, keeping my eyes connected with his. The sand coats my feet, and the wind sends a chill down my spine as I walk towards him.   
“You fucking hurt me” I blurt, a sharp pain in my chest. "I can’t sleep without you, do you get it, you engraved yourself into me, and then you left me alone” I wrap my arms around myself, as his eyes gently roam over me.   
“I was scared, I’m still fucking scared Kie” He replies as he runs his hands roughly through his hair. “Everyone who was supposed to love me they didn’t, they left, and if they stayed it was to tell me how much they hated that I was alive” I felt tears brim my eyes but I refrained from pulling him in. I needed to hear this, I needed him to explain. “I use to think you’d leave me too, and I’d be destroyed but then I realized you wouldn’t leave me, you’re too good to do that,” His voice cracks slightly “Everything my dad said stuck, it’s like little bubbles that pop up randomly in my head Kie, and I can’t explain it or stop it. And it feels so real, like it’s the only thing in front of me. Like I’m stuck here, and his life will be mine, it has to be mine it’s genetics. Then It was that I didn’t deserve you, you’re too good, too beautiful to be mine. I couldn’t make you happy, and I’d just weigh you down, and let you drown with me. Because I was drowning, in my past and the fact that I thought I didn’t have a future, I couldn’t! Part of me was selfish enough to do it too because you’re so fucking breathtaking and beautiful. You make me feel like I can breathe, like everything in my past never happened” Tears fall down his cheeks  
“JJ” I finally reach for him. I wipe his cheeks with my thumbs, and he shakes his head.   
“I felt so worthless my whole life Kie, like all I was ever meant for was the junkyard like my dad, but with you... fuck you make me feel like I’m worth something more, like I deserve something more.”   
“You do, you deserve so much” I cry, and he smiles a watery smile.   
“That night when you told me you loved me, I didn't say it back because I was scared and I didn't want you to drown with me, I couldn’t do that to you no matter how good you make me feel…. Do you understand?” He asks, as he intertwines our fingers.   
“I do, but JJ..” I start   
“No I know Kie, I know I deserve happiness too and I know you’re strong and I can’t bring you down with me. I know that I can make someone happy and that I can be better for myself and you. I know this because of you. Because if I could get you to love me well then fuck I can do anything can’t I?” He smiles, and I feel tears fall down my cheeks. “I love you so fucking much Kiara Carrera, I love you because of how much you love the environment and how no matter what you’re always kind. I love how strong you are and brave. I love you because you made me see that I’m worth loving, that I’m worth something.” He leans his forehead against mine. “I love you, and I’m so sorry for hurting you that night, I didn’t realize I was being selfish and immature. I know that it’s going to be hard and we’ll have to work on it every day, that I’m going to have to work hard to rewire my brain. I know that I need to open up and be there for you more because you deserve to be taken care of too, and some days we’ll both be so tired of it all, but I also know we’re meant to be together Kie. You and me, we’re kind of inevitable” He whispers, and I let out a small sob.   
“I love you do fucking much JJ Maybank” I hiccup, as I wrap my arms around his neck pulling me tightly against me. He wraps his arms around my middle, lifting me off the ground so he can spin us in a small circle.   
“Kiara loves me back” He yells making laugh jovially. I move my hands to the sides of his face, running my thumbs gently across his cheeks.   
“I do love you, and now you’re stuck with me. There is no backing out now Maybank” I whisper against his lips, he smiles.   
“I don’t want to back out, ever.”  
…  
JJ gave me his hoodie because I was freezing and my jacket was filled with wet sand. We were on our way to the chateau to meet Pope, John B, and Sarah. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face, it would have made me from a week ago gag, but I couldn’t help myself. Things are finally fitting together and starting to make sense. I knew things with JJ were going to be hard, he had deep scars and I had new ones, but like he said we're meant to be.   
“Finally where have you guys been?” Sarah yells from the lawn chair beside the small bonfire. I can see all of their eyes move down to our hands, their jaws going slack. “No” she mumbles making me laugh.   
“Yes, I finally got the girl” JJ winks, and my cheeks flush   
“About time” Pope comments from the hammock, his arms behind his head.   
“Rome wasn’t built in a day” JJ muses, and everyone lets out a small chuckle.   
“Okay well I need details and Kie why’s your hair wet?” Sarah leans forward as JJ and I sit down.   
“I went swimming” I laugh, and she looks confused which only makes me laugh harder.   
“Basically JJ groveled and I accepted” I wink at him, and he winks back a smirk playing at his lips.   
“Awhh, cute except you have a lot of making up to do” she points at JJ, who gives her a military salute.   
“So like you guys are an actual couple now?” John B asks, his eyes darting between us.   
“Ya, Kie’s my girl” JJ nods, and I try not to melt at his use of words.   
“Eww you two are gross” Pope comments and JJ chucks a small pebble at him. “Kidding” He adds quickly making me laugh.   
“I think it’s awesome” Sarah grins at me, and I smile widely in response.   
“So does this mean I have to stop ogling JJ shirtless?” Pope asks, Sarah lets out a loud laugh.   
“No feel free” I respond, and he nods smiling in my direction. “Okay, I need a beer” I stand and start towards the Chateau. I hum lightly to myself as I pull out the six-pack from the fridge.   
“I think this is kind of our place,” JJ says from behind me, I turn to face him with a smile.   
“Ya don’t tell John B” I laugh, and he moves towards me, his hands landing on my hips.   
“Ya, I don’t think he’d be too happy about it” He nods in agreement.   
“What he doesn’t know thought” I grin before I lean forward and capture his lips. His lips were firm against mine, as his tongue darts against mine. I could feel the swirl of desire inside of me, as his hands moved to entangle into my hair, holding me steady against him. He tasted like JJ and that taste I couldn’t describe. He pushes me back against the fridge and I drop the six-pack, it lands with a loud thud. I clutch his shoulders tightly as my head spins wildly.   
“Fuck I missed you” He mumbles against my lips   
“I missed you fucking me” my voice was low and filled with need.   
“Kie” He moans, and I grin before I drop a kiss to his jaw. “Room now” He instructs and I nod with hooded eyes. We rush to the room, quickly shutting the door behind us. I knew they’d hate us for doing this and end up teasing us relentlessly but I didn’t care. How could I when JJ’s lips were all over me, and my heart was beating out of my chest. He lays me down on the bed, his lips moving to pepper kisses on my neck.   
“Shirt” I breathe, lifting his shirt, he pulls away and quickly pulls it off. I run my fingers over his chest, relishing in the soft hum that escapes his lips. I shift up and let him peel the hoodie off of me. I wasn’t wearing a bra, so I was left mostly naked under him. He drops a small kiss on my collarbone and I shiver.   
“What do you want baby?” He asks, and my skin burns with lust.   
“I want you inside of me JJ” I croak, my fingers playing with the waistband of his shorts. He quickly undresses while I peel off my shorts and underwear, a soft throb low in my belly. He captures my lips in a soft kiss, that makes my dad spin and fog up.   
“I love you” He mumbles against my lips, it sends goosebumps over me.   
“I love you” I caress his cheek, as he gently thrusts into me. I gasp at the feel of him inside of me, he still, waiting for me to get used to the feeling. I dig my nails into his arm and give him a small encouraging nod. The pleasure intensifies as he reaches between us, it makes me moan loudly.   
“Fuck” I breathe out, hooking my legs around him. “JJ, right there” I moan, as the feeling builds inside of me. This feels different from before, more intense. It’s always been amazing with JJ, he knows my body and what I like, but this feels like we’re fused together. It’s an indescribable feeling to be with someone you love and who loves you back just as much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next chapter will be the final chapter of this story. I'm hoping to conclude this story in a way that shows the growth of each character. Thank you all for supporting me and this story and for reading!!! Though this story is coming to an end I do have multiple books and I'm planning on starting another one that I hope you guys will like. Thank you all!!


	28. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like the last chapter. I tried to wrap everything up as nicely as I could.. so enjoy.😊

A loud scream rips through me, pulling me out of my dream, or I guess I should say nightmare. My body is covered in sweat, and I can feel my hands shaking like a leaf. I pull my knees up to my chest, tears burning my eyes as the room spun around me, making me dizzy. I feel his hands then, a warm pleasant pressure on my knee and lower back. It grounded me, but everything around me still blurred together, and my heart was still beating too fast, filling my ears. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to steady my breathing, but the pressure on my chest was too strong, it was hard to catch my breath. It was pure unadulterated panic bursting inside of me.   
“Kie” His voice is soothing almost like a lullaby. “I’m right here” his hand moves to cup my cheek gently.   
“I can’t breathe” I choke out, my words sounding squashed and deformed. He takes my chin, and pulls my face into his, placing his lips gently against mine. The kiss was slow and urging, like he was breathing for me. I lift my hand so that they wrap around his neck, pulling him into my embrace. When we broke apart, I could finally take a full breath, it made happy tears spring to my eyes. I still kept my eyes shut, too scared that the room will be spinning. I cling to JJ, keeping my hands firmly around his neck, holding him as close as humanly possible. His hand rubs soothing circles on my bare back, it makes a soft hum escape my lips.   
“Can you open your eyes?” He asks warmly, encouraging rather than demanding. I open them slowly, and I’m met with his gentle gaze. The room isn’t spinning anymore and my heartbeat isn’t the only thing I can hear, so I release a small breath of relief.   
“I’m okay,” I say more to myself than JJ, but he nods anyway. His hand cups my cheek, as an adorably soft look blooms on his face. “It was a nightmare” I explain  
“I know” He nods, his thumb brushing my lip. “I’m sorry” He leans in placing a small affectionate kiss on my forehead.   
“Do you get them, about your dad?” I blurt, my curiosity getting the best of me. He pulls back, his eyes searching mine. I’m about to apologize and take it back, but then a small goofy smile breaks out on his face. “What?” I ask confused   
“You amaze me” He breathes, and I feel my breath hitch. “You just had a nightmare and a panic attack and you’re worried about me?” He explains, and I shrug pushing the curls that have fallen into my face. He lifts my chin so that my gaze meets his. “I love you” the sentiment makes a warm feeling seep through me.   
“I love you” I reply, a smile on my face. He caresses my cheek, his gaze moving to inspect my face. I could tell he was worried, it was written in the creases by his eyes. “You make it better” I state, and he pauses, his fingers freezing on my cheek. “You’re the only one who can talk me down, and make me feel better” I clarify, my voice a whisper. “I just want to be that for you too” I add, and his face falls slightly. “You make me feel better every day Kie, just by looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes.” He responds quickly, I roll my eyes at how cheesy it sounds but I smile anyway. “You’ve helped me more times than I can count, with my dad, and everything he’s brought on me! So don’t ever think you don’t or you haven’t!” He exclaims, I nod and lean my forehead against his. “I do get them” He whispers, his tone small, and scared. I feel my stomach twist tightly, so I reach up to run my hand across his cheek. “But when you’re there it’s not so bad, it’s like you’re my own dream catcher” He sounds amused, but I feel my heart burst with happiness.   
“So you’d call me your dream girl” I quip pulling back slightly, a wide smile on my face. His face becomes serious again, and his thumb brushes my cheek, moving down my jaw, and neck slowly, sending a shiver down my spine.   
“More like in my wildest dreams girl” He muses, his voice a whisper. I just stare at him, my heart hammering wildly in my chest as butterflies swarmed through me. He leans in slowly, his eyes moving from my eyes down to my lips and back up in one quick motion. Then his warm lips are on mine, and I feel like I can breathe again. Everything clicked into place when he was around, like he made everything steady and clear. He pulls back before I can deepen the kiss, I almost let out a disappointed grunt, but then he’s tucking me back under the covers, so gently it makes my heart spin ferociously. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me so that my back was flush against his chest. His arm circled my waist, while his fingers moved to caress the skin of mat stomach. He didn’t move up, just kept them there, like he needed to feel my skin against his. “You can go back to sleep, I’m here” he whispers against my ear, it brings tears to my eyes. He always knew what I needed even before I did. I take his hand and intertwine out fingers, placing a gentle kiss on the back of his hand. I fell asleep in his arms, the panic from earlier ebbing away slowly.   
…  
We were all at the beach, soaking up the quick fading summer air. The boys were chasing each other, laughing loudly as they tackled one another into the warm sand. I lean back on my palms, craning my head up to face the glowing sun. It was the perfect temperature outside, like the sun has finally decided to give us a break before it goes the other way and flings us into the colder seasons. Even though the day had started so roughly, It felt good again, and a big part of that was because of JJ. I turn to watch the boys wrestle, my eyes landing on JJ’s mop of blonde hair. He shifts under Pope, his smile wide and infectious. It was seeing him like this, so carefree and happy, that made my heart soar and thump loudly in my chest. It made my fear for him lessen as hope for the future blossomed inside of me. Our future together. The thought made a goofy smile pop onto my face, but I couldn’t care less. He was right we were meant to be together, it was inevitable really.  
“So John B and I talked” Sarah interrupts my traveling thoughts.   
“You did?” I ask, turning to face her, she nods, her face still up towards the sun. “Are you gonna give me details?” I laugh  
“He said that he needed time, to just be by himself” She turns her face unreadable, “He told me that he just needs to know himself first before he can jump back into a relationship of any kind.”   
“Sarah that sucks I’m sorry” I reach for her, but she shakes her head.   
“I get it, I mean all I do is jump from relationship to relationship, I don’t even know who I am if I’m not with someone” She sits up and pushes some hair from her face. “Like you, you can be independent, and not depend on anyone to make you happy, but now you have JJ, and you two are kind of perfect for each other” She giggles “but you’re still independently strong which makes your relationship even better” She waves her hands trying to explain with vigor.   
“Okay” I nod, and she laughs   
“I think it’s good for us to be friends and then who knows we’ll see” She blushes.   
“I think that’s great because I know who you are and you’re pretty fucking awesome,” I tell her, and her face softens.   
“Thank you” She whispers   
“For?”   
“Being there for me through all this stupid shit, for never giving up on us” She reaches for my hand and intertwines out fingers. “You’re the best thing for me Kie, and I love you” Her eyes are glossy and I can feel tears spring to mine.   
“You helped me to Sarah, I can’t imagine my life without you because I love you so much” I reply, and she lets out a small watery laugh which I mirror. Then we’re hugging tightly, our watery laughs echoing off each other.   
“What’s going on here?” John B breaks us from our bubble.   
“Girl talk,” I tell him, leaning back on my palms. That's when Pope and JJ come rushing towards us, falling onto the blanket, all limbs.   
“Geez” Sarah pushes them a fond smile on her face.   
“Sorry to interrupt girl time but Kie get your boyfriend off of me!” Pope asserts, his voice muffled by JJ’s arm. “I’m not getting involved” I laugh  
“Kie” Pope whines while JJ laughs maniacally.   
“She’s mine now bro which means she’s automatically on my side” JJ comments, a grin on his face.   
“First off I’m my own person J second I never said I was on your side” I lean forward and wrap my arms around JJ’s neck pulling him back into me. JJ releases Pope and falls back with a small grunt.   
“Kie” JJ groans, but I can hear the smile in his voice. I tighten my grip.   
“Sorry can’t hear you over my muscles” I whisper loudly, making the group laugh.   
“I guess she’s on my side” Pope snarks, his cheeks pink.   
“I’m on my own side you dumb-asses” I shift and nudge Pope with my foot hard enough that he bumps into John B’s side. JJ flips us, making me loosen my grip on his neck, and soon he has me in a similar position.   
“This is war Kie” Pope raises his eyebrow, and I try to wiggle from JJ’s grip.   
“This isn’t fair” I laugh as JJ hand move to a ticklish spot.   
“Free for all?” John B asks, and I can’t see but I know that the boys nod in agreement because suddenly JJ lets me go, and the boys lunge towards me. We’re all limbs and sand, and a nostalgic feeling swarms through me.   
“Truce” I call laughing while pushing Pope’s solid body off of me.   
“Fine” John B agrees sounding breathless. I sit up, a laugh bubbling out of me, their laughter echoes along. JJ shifts so that he’s now beside me, his body pressed against mine, the small action brings a smile to my face.   
“You guys are so stupid” I laugh dusting the sand off my legs, JJ winks at me and I shove him gently.   
“You love us though,” John B remarks, and I nod because It’s true I love my boys!   
…  
We’re all walking towards the van, JJ and Sarah rush ahead, both of them impatient as John B, Pope and I take our time. I’m sandwiched between them, and I suddenly feel the need to acknowledge my best friends for everything.   
“Hey, not to be too sappy and shit but I love you guys” I reach my arms out to wrap around both of their middles.   
“Awhhh Kie” John B ruffles my hair, I nudge him laughing   
“Are you dying?” Pope asks, and I glare lightly at him   
“No, Jesus Pope” I laugh, and he shrugs “Last time I show my appreciation” I remove my hands from around them, and they both laugh. Before I know it I’m being picked up by both of them John B has my arms and Pope has my legs. “Guys” I squeak laughing   
“We love you too kie” John B smiles down at me, I try to wiggle free, but to no avail   
“That why we have to do it” Pope shrugs and I know already that there gonna throw me into the sand pile a couple of feet ahead.   
“Guys no” I state but my laughter kind of ruins the authority of it. Then I’m being tossed, and I land softly in the huge pile of sand left by the kids from earlier. I shuffle up, sand flying into my nose and eyes.   
“I take back my previous statement. I hate you both” I smile despite myself, and they both grin widely at me.   
“No you love us” John B shakes his head a mischievous glint in his eye  
“No more” I put my hand up, he tries to play innocent but he’s darting for me and I barrel the other way trying to avoid his grasp. “JB” I laugh yell as I continue running down towards the water, my stomach cramping. Then Pope joins and I groan trying to dodge his quick hands while avoiding John B.   
“We will catch you Kie” Pope yells, as I continue to surge forward, running as fast as the sand will let me.   
“Hey, I didn’t get the invite” JJ yells, making us all freeze.   
“J’s on my team” I call quickly, as J and Sarah rush towards us   
“No teams Kie” Pope smirks, and I sigh   
“J don’t” I step back as his smile grows wider   
“What do you mean?” He asks innocently, I sigh   
“Guys I’m tired” I place my hands on my knees and suck in a big breath  
“Ya leave her” Sarah complains for me, that's when I see John B slink towards her   
“Run,” I tell her, she catches on quickly and bolts it down towards the water, sand kicking up behind her. John B runs after her, and I can’t help but smile at the pair. Then I’m being picked up again this time by JJ, he heaves me over his shoulder.   
“I win” JJ yells   
“No, put me down” I try to slide down him, but he holds me firmly. Then Pope tackles us both to the sand with a loud victory laugh.   
“Not fair” JJ laughs,   
“Says you, you pull shit like that all the time” Pope complains, making me giggle.   
“I’m a fair winner” JJ informs, and finally I wiggle out of his hold as Pope and JJ argue over what’s fair.   
“You both lose” I quip before I take off down the beach, towards Sarah and John B, Who are still dodging each other.   
“Kie” They both yell, making me laugh. Then we’re all huddled together, laughing so hard our stomachs cramp and tears stream down our faces. This was home, me, my boys and Sarah!   
…  
-Ten years Later-  
I’m already awake when I hear the door creak open, and two pairs of feet shuffle towards the bed, a small smile forms on my face. I keep my eyes shut as the bed dips by my feet, and giggles erupt.   
“Shush Sam you’ll wake them” I hear Jasper whisper, it makes my smile grow.   
“Not dada” Jasper counters, as the bed dips again, meaning they were both safely on the bed. I feel them crawl up behind me, and I drop the smile pretending to be deep in sleep.  
“On three” Sam directs, I assume Jasper nods in agreement. “One… two… three” then they’re both jumping wildly on the bed their laughter filling the once quiet room. I crane my neck towards them, both of them catch my eye, and their laughter booms louder.   
“What a wake-up call” I muse, reaching up to grab Jasper, whose giggles become short bursts of hiccups. I bring him down to my side and start peppering kisses all over his chubby face.   
“Momma, momma” He coos, and it warms my heart  
“Hey” Sam starts but I reach for his hand and pull him down to my chest to start peppering kisses on his face too.   
“Now that’s a wake-up call” I explain, squeezing them both, they grin up at me.   
“Not for dad” Sam points out, and we all turn to a still JJ, his hand draped over his eyes. I knew he was awake, he’s always awake, he just likes to eventually scare them, it always works.   
“Ya dada’s still sleeping” I nod, trying not to smile. “Look Jas” I lift him so he can peer over me to JJ.   
“Dada” he nods his curl falling into his eye, I push it back gently. Sam looks at me with wide eyes, as if to ask what he should do.  
“Maybe he needs kisses?” I raise my eyebrow, and Jasper claps his hands excitedly.   
“Ya” Sam grins, moving out of my grasp towards JJ side of the bed. I move Jasper around me so he can follow his brother. Jasper crawls up on his chest, a giggle bursting from his lips.   
“Mom” Sam whines “You need to give him kisses too” He explains his attitude, I sit up, pushing some curls from my face.   
“Dada needs my kisses” I ask, my hand on my chest in question, they both nod vigorously. I crawl over to them pulling Sam onto my lap so we can both lean over JJ, who’s now trying not to smile openly, but I still catch the slight upturn of his lip.   
“On three” Sam whispers, I nod looking over at Jasper, who wobbles slightly on JJ’s lap. JJ’s hand slowly moves to touch Jaspers thigh, holding him steady, so naturally the boys don’t notice. “One.. two.. three” Sam yells and then we’re all peppering kisses to JJ’s face, Jasper mostly drooling.   
“Hey” JJ calls, moving his hand, a wide smile growing on his face.   
“Wake up Dada” Jasper coos and I can’t help but laugh lightly.   
“I’m awake” He muses as we continue with the wild kisses, making him laugh. “What a wake up call” JJ winks at me, and I smile in return   
“It worked mom” Sam smiles, I reach over to cradle his cheek gently nodding in response.   
“Oh this was mom’s idea” JJ asks a twinkle in his eye  
“Momma” Jasper nods, pointing his chubby finger in my direction, I fake a small gasp.   
“My own son” I lift Jasper, who’s giggling loudly. JJ shifts up leaning against the bed frame. JJ reaches for Sam, pulling him onto his lap, Sam grins widely his eyes bright and happy. “Momma’s kisses always wake you dad” Sam nuzzles into JJ’s neck his eyes on me.   
“Yes they do” He winks and It still makes my heart flutter. I lean forward and place a soft kiss to his lips, sighing contently.   
“Eww” Sam yells, making us both laugh   
“Hey, you said so yourself. I need Momma’s kisses” He shakes Sam gently, and a smile identical to JJ’s pops onto his face. “Momma kiss” Jaspers hands move to my lips and I place a kiss to his hand. Jasper moves his hand down to rest on my now protruding tummy, and the action makes emotion swell inside of me. “Baby” he coos, and I nod kissing his cheek again, he giggles.   
“Did we find out if it’s a sister or brother?” Sam asks, his head still against JJ’s, both of them staring at me expectantly. They looked almost identical, except for Sam’s caramel skin tone and darker, curlier hair they were the same person. Sam was JJ’s mini-me.   
“The doctors calling later” I smile at Sam before I lift Jasper higher on my hip and start moving out of bed.   
“When?” JJ asks as I shuffle on my slippers.   
“I think around noon” I say smiling goofily at Jasper. “How about waffles, I think baby wants waffles” I turn to the boys. JJ’s now playing with Sam’s curls, while Sam plays with JJ’s shark tooth necklace.   
“Well if baby wants them then of course” JJ smiles, and I grin. He holds Sam firmly before standing also. “Let's go make momma waffles” he places Sam down at his feet moving towards Jasper and me. “You want to make Waffles Jas?” He coos taking him from my hands with a wide smile.   
“Ya dada, we make waffles” Jasper nods, and JJ places a gentle kiss to his forehead, inhaling his baby scent while he still can. Jasper will be three this month pushing him out of the baby age into the toddler scene. It’s scary how fast they grow up, it feels like yesterday we were new parents with Sam, sleep-deprived and scared out of our minds. Now he’s five turning six, with wit to battle both JJ and me.   
“Well momma will go shower then” I say, JJ nods looking up at me. He steps closer, ducking his head to capture my lips in a deeper kiss than earlier. His free hand moves down to my bump, his fingers stretching over it.   
“Dad” Sam whines pulling at his leg.   
“He gets his impatience from you” JJ muses against my lips, I giggle. Then he drops a quick kiss to my tummy before turning to leave the room. I watch the three of them with a fond smile, my heart squeezing tightly as Sam reaches up for JJ’s hand. I move to the bathroom, rubbing a small circles against my belly. I pull my hair up deciding against washing it, it takes too long to dry and I’ve become even more impatient with this pregnancy. I look down at my engorged belly with a small smile. This pregnancy like all of the others was a welcomed surprise. I found out in John B and Sarah’s bedroom bathroom, after crying about how much my boobs hurt. JJ had tried that morning, but I felt swollen and at the time I thought I was getting my period, little did I know I wouldn’t be getting it for nine-months. Sarah suggested I try a test after my second meltdown of the day while JJ and John B took the kids fishing. Sarah and John B were off and on again until after college, when they finally deiced enough was enough and got married. They had Bailey a year after I had Sam. Baileys Sarah’s mini-me down to his dirty blonde hair and big brown eyes he was his mothers son, and John B didn’t mind at all. They only had Bailey, and I don’t think they plan on having more, at least that’s what Sarah told me when I asked. So that's how I found out about this surprise. I told JJ right when he got back, and I mean right as he got out of the truck, mid-story about what Bailey and Sam did in the mud. He was excited, said it was about time, which of course made my heart explode. He was the best dad, everything his father wasn’t, and more. Sam, Jasper, and baby are the luckiest kids in the world, and they know it. Sam doesn’t just take after his father looks-wise, he’s his copy with the sharp tongue and quick thinking, although he does have more sense than JJ did at that age, because of me. He loves his dad, idolized him, and it makes JJ so happy to be something his son can look up to, something he never had. I have a feeling the baby’s gonna take after JJ more than me, his genes are strong. Both my kids have inherited JJ’s seafoam eyes which I of course love, but Jasper does have some of me in him. The shape of his lips and the shade of his skin are all me, which makes him a perfect mix of both of us. I guess we’ll wait and see. I change into one of JJ’s shirts that lays like a dress on me after my shower, knowing I’ll probably have to change again after feeding Jasper. I hear JJ singing when I get into the kitchen, he’s pouring batter into the waffle iron that we got him for father’s day because he now loves appliances more than anything. He looks up hearing my footsteps a grin on his face.   
“Only Bob Marley” He winks, making me chuckle as Jasper flings himself onto my leg.   
“What else?” I quip lifting Jasper into my arms. “Did dada give you some milk?” I ask Jasper, he points to the sippy-cup on the table.   
“Dada did” JJ says as I move past him towards the kitchen table where the milk sits.   
“Good dada” I smile, handing Jasper the cup.   
“Dad, can I flip it?” Sam asks, and I move my eyes to where he sits on the counter next to JJ, his eyes wide with wonder.   
“Did you think I was gonna do all the work” JJ jokes, and Sam grins happily. He shows him how to turn the handle, and Sam’s face switches into concentration mode. His tongue sticking out exactly like his dad. I sit down with Jasper, reaching over to grab a strawberry.   
“Strawberry” Jasper points out, some milk dripping down his chin   
“Yes baby, do you want some?” I wipe his chin  
“No thank you Momma” he replies, and I kiss his cheek.   
“Good job bud” JJ places a soft kiss to the top of Sam’s head appreciatively.   
“Thanks dad” Sam blushes, making my heart melt.   
“Sam did you make your bed?” I ask, placing Jasper down so he can run over to JJ.   
“Um..” He says in response   
“Ya um… can you please go make it before breakfast” I quirk my eyebrow at him, he nods and JJ helps him off the counter. He runs out of the kitchen, and Jasper quickly follows at half the speed.   
“Watch your brother Sam” JJ orders lightly after them. I stand and move towards JJ who’s plating the steaming waffle, his tongue out in concentration.   
“I didn’t get a proper kiss” I muse, leaning my hip against the counter, my arms crossed.   
“No?” JJ asks his eyes moving slowly from the waffle to me.   
“I’m getting a bit restless J, can you help me out?” I tilt my head with a small smile on my lips. His lips turn up into his signature smirk, as his arms dart out to snake around my waist pulling me against him.   
“I think I can do that” He nods capturing my lips in a desperate kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him firm against me. He tasted like mint, so I know he brushed his teeth with the kids, which only made more heat pool inside of me. Whenever JJ does anything that involved our two boys I melt into a needy puddle.   
“Fuck Kie” he whispers against my lips as I push myself into him.   
“Well we didn’t get any privacy this morning” I tell him, kissing the corner of his mouth.   
“You want me to lock them in the room?” He asks making me laugh loudly, he smiles, and pecks my lips lightly. “I love you” He whispers, and again my heart flutters.   
“I love you J” I lean my head against his, breathing him in.   
“Did you ask me to fix my bed just so you and Dad can make out?” Sam asks, and both JJ and I turn to him and Jasper.   
“Who taught you what making out is?” I huff  
“Dad”   
“JJ” I scold trying not to laugh, he shrugs.   
“He asked why me and you kiss so much, I just taught him the proper vernacular” he shrugs, and I shake my head, dropping my hands from around his neck.   
“No I did not ask you to clean the bed so me and Dad can make out” I tell Sam and he raises his eyebrows not believing me. “That he inherited from you” I shove JJ gently, he chuckles.   
“That’s why you love us” He pulls Sam against his leg, and Sam nods up at me, and I smile. I bend to Sam’s height, my stomach making it slightly harder to so I hold the countertop.   
“You didn’t give me a kiss today” I tell him with a sad look, his eyes widen and he rushes into my arms.   
“I’m sorry momma” He puckers his lips and drops a small peck to my lips. I wrap my arms around him, holding my boy against me. He smells like the sunscreen I put on him yesterday.   
“It's okay as long as you promise to give me a kiss every day from now on” I run my fingers through his soft curls.   
“I promise” He smiles   
“I’m holding you to that even when your fifteen” I instruct, he nods and I drop a couple of kisses to his soft cheeks. “Can you help me set the table?” I ask him  
“I’ll do it, you rest” he responds quickly his eyes wide with worry, it makes me melt.   
“Thank you, baby” I kiss his forehead before standing up on shaky legs. He rushes to the cupboards to grab the plates, Jasper still on his tail.   
“He’s so grown up already” I groan leaning my head on JJ’s shoulder “He’s not gonna want to kiss me in a couple of years” “Ya it’s lame to kiss your mom” He nudges me and I shove him back “I’m kidding mostly” He laughs “We have Jasper and baby boo when Sam gets too old to love us”   
“Ya, but then they’ll grow too” I whine   
“Then we’ll have each other, for when we’re all wrinkly and shit” he says and my stomach clenches tightly with affection.   
“If I don’t leave you for a younger man” I cup his cheek gently, he grimaces. “Kidding, I’ll love you forever JJ Maybank” I peck his lips.   
“You better” he grunts and I roll my eyes playfully.   
“All done” Sam instructs, we both turn to the table. He even brought out Jaspers favorite paw patrol plate, because he’s my little angel.   
“Perfect” I clap my hands together. JJ places the waffles on the table as we all sit down.   
“Thank you for breakfast Dada” Jasper grins up at JJ. JJ’s eyes soften as he picks him up to place a soft kiss on his son's cheek. He places Jasper back between us, a fond smile on his face.   
“Thank you for helping Sam” JJ reaches out to ruffle Sam’s hair, Sam shrugs trying to act nonchalant even though I could see the pink tint in his cheeks.   
“Thank you my boys for breakfast it looks amazing” I blow kisses to all of them “Baby says thank you too” I run my hand over my belly. We all dig in, Jasper uses his tiny hands to rip apart the now cooled down waffle, syrup getting all over him. Sam starts telling us about how Bailey and him got the same teacher, which isn’t surprising considering how small the outer banks is, but it’s still sweet. The phone rings out loudly, and we all freeze and turn to look at it on the countertop. JJ stands and swipes it off the counter answering it quickly.   
“Hello” he runs a hand through his messy hair his eyes on me. “Yes this is her husband” so it is the doctor, my heart thumps loudly in my chest. “Okay thank you for calling we appreciate it” JJ smiles, but he doesn’t let anything show on his face. He hangs it up, and my eyes widen.   
“Dad?” Sam asks, he turns to him his smile widening before returning to meet my curious eyes.   
“Looks like the Maybanks are adding a girl to the family” He claps his hands excitedly, and my eyes immediately start to water. It’s a girl, there’s a baby girl growing inside of me. I look down at my tummy, as the boys cheer loudly. JJ takes Jasper who looks happy  
“The baby in momma’s tummy is a girl” JJ explains to him, Jasper turns to me, his eyes on my belly with a wide smile.   
“My sister” He smiles, and I nod tears now rolling down my cheeks.   
“Kie” JJ slides in beside me, his face happy. “We’re having a baby girl” he cups my cheek and I nod still a bit shocked.   
“We’re having a girl” I smile as he pulls me into a soft kiss. I feel Sam crawl into my lap, as JJ and I break apart.   
“I’m gonna have a sister” Sam cups my stomach, and my heart warms at the sight. “I’ll teach her how to fish like you guys showed me” He looks up at me, I nod “Jas we can teach her how to swim on the tire swing” He points outside, Jasper nods enthusiastically.   
“I’m a big brother now” Jasper places his hand on my tummy too, and I can’t stop the tears from falling at how beautiful my boys are.   
“What do you think Kie Dada's girl?” He asks a wide smile on his face.   
“Probably yes” I shove him, and he laughs. I drop kisses down to Jasper and Sam’s head, relishing in all the love.   
“Will she look like momma?” Sam asks  
“Hopefully” JJ responds and I laugh lightly.   
“You’re pretty momma” Jasper places his hand on my cheek, I kiss his fingers.   
“Thank you my beautiful boy” I say, and he giggles dropping back onto JJ. “You two are gonna be the best big brothers” I lift Sam’s face to meet him and place a small kiss between his eyebrows. “I promise I will be” Sam nods, and I nod  
“I know you will because you’re so good with Jas, baby” I caress his cheek, he smiles.  
“Jas our present” Sam looks at Jasper with wide eyes, Jasper nods. They both crawl off of us, Sam takes Jaspers hand and they run in the direction of their rooms.   
“I don’t know,” JJ says when I turn to him. He leans in and kisses me again, his hand on my belly. “I’m so glad it’s a girl,” He says   
“I know J, you’ve been saying that since we found out I was pregnant” I laugh, he shrugs.   
“Sue me I want a girl that looks like you” He shrugs and my heart tugs in my chest.   
“She could look like you, look at both our boys,” I say  
“I know I have strong genes” he winks, and I sigh “But I know she’s gonna look like you” He tells me.   
“We’ll see” I remark as the boys come rushing back in. Sam crawls back on my lap, careful around my belly. While Jasper crawls onto JJ with a small amount of effort.   
“So Jas and I wanted to thank you Momma” Sam blushes   
“For?” I ask   
“For building our baby sister” he explains, and I look down at my son with awe.   
“I helped” JJ butts in  
“Ya, yours is coming dad” Sam mumbles waving him off, I laugh. He pulls out a big piece of paper and hands it to me. The boys drew all of us sitting on the couch, with a small baby in my arms.   
“I love it” I coo turning it to JJ, who smiles just as fondly as me.   
“Jas did the squiggles” He points out the random lines of colors across the page, I nod. I turn to Jasper, who’s smiling up at me.   
“I love the squiggles Jas” I coo, kissing his head  
“Thank you” He giggles cutely, I turn to Sam and he gives me a small shrug that reminds me so much of JJ when I first met him so long ago.   
“This means so much to me, Sam, thank you so much” I lift his chin so his eyes meet mine “You’re so thoughtful to plan this for me, I love it, and I love you so so so so so much” I pepper kisses across his face with each so, he giggles.   
“What about me momma” Jasper moves towards me, a stern look on his face.   
“I love you so so so so so much” I repeat kissing his small face.   
“I love all my boys so so so so so much” I bring them all into a tight hug, JJ’s arms going around all of us easily.   
“And girl” Sam adds,   
“And girl” I nod  
…  
After the boys are in bed, JJ and I lay cuddled in bed watching old episodes of the office, still our favorite. My head is on his chest, as he plays with one of my stray curls, twirling it between his fingers.   
“Thank you J” I blurt my fingers drumming on his chest, he freezes   
“For?” He asks quietly   
“For giving me my boys and for loving me” I sit up, his hand falls from around me.   
“I should thank you for that Kie, you gave me the family I never had, you made me worth loving” He reaches to cup my cheek gently, his eyes glossy.   
“You were always worth loving” I state, and he leans in to place a soft kiss against my lips.  
“You’re the only one who ever loved me right Kie, you know that right. You’re the only person who I’ve ever loved and will ever love” He mumbles against my lips, it sends a shiver through me.   
“You’re the only person I’ve loved and will ever love to J” I agree, he sighs against my lips.   
“God I never thought I’d be this happy” he pulls away a pained look on his face. “I never expected to love my life so much” His hand moves to my bare thigh. “But I love it, all of it. You, those boys and I’m gonna love my daughter.” He lifts my shirt and place his hand flat against it, she kicks and JJ’s eyebrows shoot up as both of us laugh with happiness.   
“We love you too, so much. Those boys worship you and she will too. You’re showing them how they should be treated, you’re loving them and caring for them and they’ll never go without because of you J” I’m crying but I need to tell him how much I appreciate him, how much he means to us. “They’ll never know what it’s like to not be loved” I lean my head against his, breathing him in. “You mean so much to us, and… god now more than ever I see you and I’m so fucking grateful. Grateful for how you turned out despite what you went through. So grateful for how you treat our children, you're so kind and understanding. I’m just so grateful for you JJ Maybank” I breathe out, my heart racing.   
“Hey” He catches my dropped gaze, his eyes intense “You saved me Kiara Carrara, you and your stubbornness. You taught me what love was, you showed me what it’s like to be loved and to love” I sniffle and nod.   
“It’s Maybank,” I say, and he looks confused. “You called me Kiara Carrara, it’s Kiara Maybank” I say, yes I took his last name despite the ownership of it all. I debated whether I wanted to be the woman who took her husbands name, to give in to social norms and stereotypical types of marriage but then I realized I wouldn’t be taking his name for any of those reasons. I’d be a Maybank to show him and everyone else how wrong they were, that my JJ is a force to be reckoned with. Plus it was nice being someone’s, to share a name with the man you love despite the stupid narrative of it all.   
“Sorry Mrs Maybank” He grins pulling me into a deep his that I feel all the way through my body. “The boys are in bed and we have the room all to ourselves Mrs Maybank, what shall we do?” He asks playfully.   
“I can think of a few things Mr Maybank” I grin pulling him back to my lips. Fuck I was so in love with JJ Maybank!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, it's done! I just wanted to thank every single one of you who has read this story, commented, and left kudos, you guys are amazing. This story means a lot to me and knowing how many of you enjoyed it makes it all worth it. I'm sad it's over but I am thinking of some new ideas so stay tuned I guess.   
> Thank you guys endlessly ❤️❤️


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